crederer Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 My gut tells me her ignoring the elephant and getting upset with you for leaving the room was some sort of passive aggressive power play move she was trying to pull. Basically in a sense, telling you that the affair should no longer be a big deal at this point in the relationship and she was frustrated with the fact that it still obviously bothers you.
experiencethedevine Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 These few sentences you expressed here speak VOLUMES. You're deflecting. By saying "I wasn't upset about her affair. I wasn't upset with the show," what you're really saying is "I'm upset. I'm upset with my wife. I'm upset that she cheated. I'm upset that she fails to acknowledge it in these awkward situations. I'm upset because I'm still hurt. I'm not over it. I have not forgiven her. The ignoring isn't working. And I hate that her solution has been ignoring what SHE did to our marriage". Don't play games with her. Tell her exactly how you feel, but also take her feelings into consideration. What she did was wrong, yes. BUT you can't punish her for the rest of her life for the mistakes she made. You either work on truly forgiving her, or you're going to have to let her go. Those are your only two options because by bringing it up, even when a similar scenario plays out in a TV show, what you're doing is making her feel guilty. She will only be able to handle so much. There will come a point where she is no longer able to take the heat. This is by no means to down-play what it has done to you. All I am saying is - don't play the "do you REALLY not know what is bothering me" game. It isn't worth it. Communicate openly and HONESTLY in the most sensitive way you can to minimize anyone's feelings getting hurt. Best of luck. Shrewd, canny, and the best advice I have seen being offered to date. Very, very sound advice. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 (edited) This is so hard because forever there will be something that will trigger one person or the other. Unless you cloister yourself in the mountains somewhere without any form of internet or tv or media or books - it is always there. And even then you have your mind. My xmom said once "I could be on a cloud and there would still be triggers". It is so interesting how pre-affair something like that you probably wouldn't give a second thought but now that it is a major part of our lives, it's relevant. I know there are times that it's the same for us. A movie, a song (especially music that was popular during that time or even artists we all shared together, passing the church, going near a restaurant we all frequented together, etc. - even if you avoid those things and go to a new restaurant it doesn't stop a song at that place from being played. I guess, for me, i just try to immediately bring my mind back into the present - a technique that is hard but can be done - because the present is really all we have. And the thing is, even if my husband and I chose to walk away and divorce (which I guess is always a possibility) those things would still be triggers no matter what. It really does suck. Edited November 29, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 1
Zenstudent Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 A few thoughts of mine. Are you absolutely sure that you both recognize there being an elephant in the room? And if you do, are you sure that the elephant represents the same thing to both of you? I ask this because I can identify with the situation, not the "do you really... part", but the lack of desire to discuss things. My take is that you think the elephant represents her affair, and she thinks it represents you not getting over it. So basically, you're not on the same page. You think she's wrong in not discussing the affair, and she thinks you're weird because you're not over it yet. Unfortunately I see only way of untying the knot. You can't expect her to bring up something that brings her unpleasant feelings by doing so (you may expect her to, but she's not likely to do it of her own will). You need to adress this elephant of yours, in order to get over it, so she can rid of her elephant as well. I would try to get rid of passive/agressive communication and develop skills in direct communication. This is the only thing you can control besides letting her go, and at the same time, you'll force her hand, so she can't hide behind silence. If it doesn't apply to you, it's OK by me, I projected a lot in this post :-)
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 What a miserable situation. Is it really just about acknowledging the affair? It was a super long time ago for her and she clearly wants you to get over it... And you haven't.. How do you resolve that?
Author Betrayed&Stayed Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 A few thoughts of mine. Are you absolutely sure that you both recognize there being an elephant in the room? And if you do, are you sure that the elephant represents the same thing to both of you? I ask this because I can identify with the situation, not the "do you really... part", but the lack of desire to discuss things. My take is that you think the elephant represents her affair, and she thinks it represents you not getting over it. So basically, you're not on the same page. You think she's wrong in not discussing the affair, and she thinks you're weird because you're not over it yet. Unfortunately I see only way of untying the knot. You can't expect her to bring up something that brings her unpleasant feelings by doing so (you may expect her to, but she's not likely to do it of her own will). You need to adress this elephant of yours, in order to get over it, so she can rid of her elephant as well. I would try to get rid of passive/agressive communication and develop skills in direct communication. This is the only thing you can control besides letting her go, and at the same time, you'll force her hand, so she can't hide behind silence. If it doesn't apply to you, it's OK by me, I projected a lot in this post :-) Good points. Yes, we both saw the Elephant, and we both saw it a little differently. This is good segue into my further thoughts on this post. I hope this brings some clarity to those that are bringing up the "lack of communication" and/or passive/aggressive angle. This was not a trigger that was only recognized by me. The elephant was there and she saw it. There was no mistaking it by either one of us. I have many triggers that are mine and mine alone; this is not the case here. I didn't have to say anything initially because she knew why. Me saying anything would just be speaking to the obvious. Afterwards I did not say anything directly for two reasons: (1) She didn't give me the chance to speak first, (2) I wanted to know what her thoughts were on what just occurred. (BTW - The time lapse was 15 minutes, not an hour as suggested earlier in this thread.) As a betrayed husband I have an accute BS detector. When she inquired why I left my BS meter red-lined. And I was right; she knew exactly why I left. My "you really don't know?" was not passive/aggressive. I was calling her out on lying to me. Also, I wanted to know what she thought of the situation without me influencing her response. Once we cleared this up, we commenced to have a very good and calm discussion for about 30 minutes. I'm thankful that we are at the point that we can have discussions and resolve our conflicts. To be clear, we did have a direct and clear discussion on this and came up with a way to handle it in the future. We have very good communication skills, the only problem is she is more resistant than me to engage in the more sensitive topics. 1
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