Is he really gone?

[Courtishoping]

Hello everyone, my name is Courtney. I have never posted on anything like this so please bare with me. The reason I have decided to post here is because I feel like I am annoying my family and best friend.

 

 

My four year relationship from age 17-21 has just ended. We were together over 4 years. I truly never thought I would be with anyone else. We started dating our senior year in high school til just a month ago. The first years were great. We got along so well. I had comfort issues and he didn't. He allowed me to come out of my shell and be the funny Courtney I love being. We were so close to each others families, where I would just go sit with his mom and watch TV. Yes in these first 3 years not everything was perfect, I admit. I caught him talking to another girl a few months in but It was nothing so awful so I forgave him and we moved on. I mean there was nothing that horrid that sticks out from the first 3 years in our relationship. We bought jet skis, we have our phone plan together, we have so much its sick.

 

 

Well in this last year I was diagnosed with a rare brain disease called Chiari malformation in October 2012. It took a huge toll on me. I literally hid from everyone and everything. That is when our problems arose. I remember around Chirstmas time 2012 and my college graduate we were constantly fighting over who knows what. We were just budding heads and not getting along. Christmas 2012 he bought me a ring, not a promise ring but a beautiful ring showing me he loves me. We were fine until a few weeks later. I started making new friends because he was doing an intership with a police department and he was constantly busy. It was a family friend not just a random person. Well she liked one of another family friends of mine and she wanted to visit him at college. I said okay! I told my boyfriend that I was doing that, I ddidnt even ask. He wasn't happy and he decided he needed a break from me. I called him and begged him no, he said just stop. That happened on a Friday. I wake up the next morning to pictures of him and girls. I was mad so I called him and he said stop bugging him. So I did until he texted me on Thursday saying he wants to talk. I said well no I am going to visit X with Y and I will talk to you after. We talked that Sunday and we both confessed with loved each other and never want this again. Fast Forward, April 2013 I had brain surgery. He was there by mu side as much as he could. He comforted me and made sure I was okay. We always said I love you and made sure we would said good night. Fast Forward to the summer. He graduated with his policing degree in May. He was so lucky he got a job right away! We were both so excited. Well in all reality it was hard on me. He worked every night til 10 and weekends we worked 6/ 2 A.M. He only took off one weekend to go camping with me, which we had a great time! BUT I deciced to try and make more friends because I was so lonely. So I began hanging out with my best friend and some guys. I always told my boyfriend where I was at and who I was with. He claimed he didn't care because he couldn't be there. But sometimes when he could see me I would blow him off for these new "friends". I just felt like he shoulda asked me to make plans now because I had other friends. What a mistake. We were constantly fighting on this and I was becoming mean. I would yell at him for no reason. I would take it out on him. I decided I couldn't handle it and asked him to take a break. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted in life and I wasn't sure I could handle being with a police officer. I think I broke his heart but he said okay. I contacted him everyday. I told him I loved him and I was sorry. We stopped this game and I dropped those friends. Since then we still weren't getting along 100%. It felt like neither of us wanted to try it. But we would still have good and bad days. One days he told me he needed his space. I couldn't handle that , I went over there and admitted I changed and I love him. he said okay and we agreed that if anything thing like this happened again, we would end it.

 

 

We had plans to go see his sister for Halloween and I was not looking forward to it. I like his sister that's not it. I was nervous about people drinking and me being uncomfortable. Well I went with a bad attitude and we had an awful night. He was drunk, his sisters boyfriend was all oneme. I asked my boyfriend to tell him to stop but he was so drunk he didn't even realize. When we got back I was like give me my keys I am leaving. He told me " I ****ing love you but if you leave I am done". So I sat there and thought about it and I was like I love him and I am not leaving. I went up to him, starting kissing him, and it lead to having sex. We agreed to cuddle and I went to bed. The next morning I wasn't very nice. I was upset at myself on how I acted the night before, I wish I just let loose. He was drunk that night, which I asked him not to do. We didn't talk much all that day. When we left, we didn't talk in the car much other than me saying I don't know what to do anymore. He had his car at mhy place so when he left, he gave me a kiss and hug and said " I don't want to make a decision right now, l love you".

 

 

One hour later he texted me and said he is done. He said he can not do this anymore. I called him crying saying are you breaking up with me? he told me yes and I was like please no. Click. That night I was so mad I just blew it off.

 

 

I then that next Friday had a anexity attack and showed up at his house pounding on the door and calling him 10 times. I wanted him to know I am sorry and I love him. He texted me and said 'stop".

 

 

Then the next sunday I left him a letter in his car, 4 pages saying I don't want to give up on 4 years and that I love him. That's when he texted me saying we aren't happy and this is the closure he is giving me. He told me to move on.

 

 

The next Monday I sent time a video of the jet skis and saying but we have kids. Nothing.

 

 

Finally I decided this past Friday after a month he has to talk to my face. I knocked on the door and his mom answered and shut the door in my face. 5 minutes later he comes out and said I hope you wouldn't do this. I told him how sorry I am that I changed. I am sorry I got mad at stupid stuff but I love him. He told me he still has feeling and this isn't easy for him either but he will not do this ever again.

 

 

Tell me why I can not accept this? I love hm and I know he did or does love me. Why cant I just accept that he doesn't love me anymore? Please help.

[TylerDurdenn]

We can't accept it because we think that the person who used to love you is still that person, they are not, they have changed.

 

You miss the old him, like I miss my old girlfriend but they ain't coming back.

 

People grow and change and accepting that a person who you love has changed into someone different is extremely difficult.

 

We are in the same position, join me on a months NC?