tink_10050 Posted October 26, 2013 Posted October 26, 2013 My situation seems so ridiculous to me that I find it hard to even post it. My bf told me that though he loves the physical side or our relationship, he needs to be able to be honest to others (kids and church) and be able to say that we are not having sex out of marriage. He supposedly wasn't breaking up, just cutting out the sex. He says he is working seven days a week to get caught up and is busy and tired. It's been two months. He calls me all the time but makes no real effort to see me. He offers me the use of property (cars, house). He took our kids on a day trip. He calls late on weekends. He wants me to stop by his work (making me make the effort). He calls me and tells me the fun things he is doing without me. When someone tells you they don't want to be physical anymore and then you don't see them for a month, it means you are breaking up. Why would you call all the time? I feel betrayed, hurt, sad, angry...and stupid. I haven't been to church since we broke up because I can't face my peers who know about this and advocated for it. Although maybe they did me a favor by forcing him to make a commitment.
Author tink_10050 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) I did NC and now my ex is calling a lot. I think he may be trying to "be friends" and keep me on a string. At first I was really happy because I made it through the NC and now he is calling. He isn't asking to see me. How do I avoid his phone calls without being rude? Edited October 27, 2013 by tink_10050
Author tink_10050 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 My ex broke up with me, and now has started calling me. I'm trying to avoid answering without being rude.... I have been not answering and calling back a few days later but now he is calling a lot. Would it be rude to not return some of his calls? I'm worried that this is turning into a friends with strings situation.
Art_Critic Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Block him... simple... oh.. I know.. you can't.. you can either through your phone or cell provider and if you really can't then let him go to voicemail forever and don't listen to the voicemails, delete them, he will use you for sex.
Author tink_10050 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 He broke up because he thinks we should abstain from sex. But maybe in some sneaky way he will get around to that.
Author tink_10050 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 My intention was to tell him to leave me alone, stop calling, texting, e-mailing. Instead I lost my pride and told him (over a text) I was having a hard time moving forward. He said he was sorry but needed to make this change. So, I thought that was my opportunity to tell him to leave me alone. I tried I texted him back and tried to say the classic "I'm fine with it!" Here is what I sent. "You wanted the break up, so I'm fine with it. It's good that you give me some space." What is that!!! Now I'm cringing because I'm afraid he won't talk to me again. Yet, I've had a few days without phone calls and I feel a little better. He hasn't contacted me for three days. What am I supposed to do now?
Philosoraptor Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Hopefully he doesn't contact you again. Continued contact just breeds false hope and stops you from moving on and healing. You're supposed to take care of yourself, fill your life with happiness, and start to move on... that's what you are supposed to do now.
radiodarcy Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Your attempt at no contact wasn't terrible at all. You said it would be good that he gives you some space and he's respecting that by not contacting you. Trust me you don't want him contacting you now. It's only going to give you false hope and make you feel even worse. I know the prospect of never hearing from him is scary, but that's essentially what no contact is. Learning to let go and get used to the idea that he is no longer a part of your life. What you have to do now, is keep going. Allow yourself to feel the loss and the pain, but accept it as part of the process of moving on. I have to ask: when you decided to go NC, were you doing so with the intention of getting him back? Or getting over him?
Author tink_10050 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 I did it for both reasons. To get him back and to stop the pain.
radiodarcy Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I was reading through an earlier thread you posted: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/435561-ridiculous-relationship-situation#post5300315 I'm not sure why you would want him back - - it sounds like he's been sending you a lot of mixed signals. Isn't that causing you a lot of pain and confulsion as well? In this case NC may be the lesser of two evils. It seems like whenever he contacts you it's just rubbing salt in the wound.
BC1980 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Everyone has sent some texts they regret after a breakup. It's really best to just go NC because it saves you from this type of situation. You'll just keep saying regrettable things. You shouldn't have to analyze this so much. NC will protect you.
Author tink_10050 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 I'm new to this so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep on with the first thread or start a new one with this. My question is... If you want your ex back you should go no contact until the ex starts contacting you. What happens if they contact you all the time but not to get back together? Are you supposed to tell them to contact you only if they want to get back together, or do they just know that.
radiodarcy Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I'm new to this so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep on with the first thread or start a new one with this. My question is... If you want your ex back you should go no contact until the ex starts contacting you. What happens if they contact you all the time but not to get back together? Are you supposed to tell them to contact you only if they want to get back together, or do they just know that. you can start as many threads as you want. But sometimes it helps to give a background of the relationship. Generally speaking, on Loveshack - - at least - - it's not recommended that you go no contact to get an ex back. It's recommended that you use it to get over the person. That being said, if you do want him back, the only contact it's advised you respond to is something along the lines of: I'm really sorry, I made a mistake in breaking up with you. We need to sit down and talk things out. Any other contact whether it's - - "hi", "I miss you", etc, is what we call "breadcrumbs" and is meaningless. If your ex is the one who spelled it out that he doesn't want you be with you, then - - if he changes his mind - - he needs to just as clearly state that he wants you back.
Author tink_10050 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Okay, that helps. My ex basically wants to go back to being friends. I wasn't sure about what to do but this clarify's a lot!!! "breadcrumbs" is the perfect expression. He was sending me stupid texts and calling about mundane things. Because he "misses me!"
radiodarcy Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Yeah - - you definitely can't go back to friends. I made the mistake of doing that with an ex and all he would do was string me along and then go silent The breadcrumbs are just that - - he's starving you for attention so you'll take whatever crumbs he throws you. You're definitely too good for that. Keep being strong and posting here for support. It definitely helps!
Author tink_10050 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Have you posted your story on the web site where I could read it?
radiodarcy Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 lol - - talk about practicing what i preach! I haven't actually posted it in its entirety but in a nutshell here it is: Met this guy via online dating. He seemed really genuine and gave me all kinds of wonderful compliments; telling me how badly he wanted to meet me, how special I am, etc. We set up a time to meet, then he cancelled at the last minute due to work. So we tried setting up another time to meet. The day we were supposed to, I sent him a text to confirm, no word. I called, still no word. This went on all day, no response (that should have been my first red flag :/) I never heard from him that day. I finally wrote him an email telling him how hurt and confused I was. He emailed me back the next day, very apologetic, saying he had been sick (funny he didnt seem too sick to text me the day before about how he couldn't wait to meet me). At any rate, he was so sincere I forgave him. Then he gets better a few weeks later and says he has to go to a conference for work. He's there for a week, comes back. Then goes silent for five days. Again I email him asking him what's up? He comes back and says he lost his cell. At that point the writing on the wall is too obvious to ignore. But he apologizes profusely and I let it go. Until, he disappears again. This time for a week. But then I knew I needed to go NC. Eventually he came back with yet another apologetic email saying how sorry he is and that he's been busy with work blah blah blah. I respond and tell him unless we meet I'm going to assume he's not serious about getting to know me. He responds says he understands and that he doesn't want to lose me. No word since and that was nearly two weeks ago. So yeah - - this done. Fyi - - the whole thing lasted five weeks. The other ex (the one I referred to as wanting to stay friends), it was a friends with benefits thing not really a relationship. Although I begged and pleaded for one. He never said "no" but he never said "yes" either. Eventually he dumped me, which is when I found LS and went NC. That whole situation with him lasted 2.5 years. He dumped me three years ago. I've heard from him off and on. He has a new girlfriend and a baby. 1
Haydn Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 If he wants you back now Tink then its up to him to do all the heavy lifting now. NC is to help you. AS i have learnt to great cost before i did it properly. Its does work. To make you better. If he wants you then he has to beg now. Dont play games with your own emotions it will blow up in your face and he will be in a very strong position to take liberties with you. Take care. I'm new to this so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep on with the first thread or start a new one with this. My question is... If you want your ex back you should go no contact until the ex starts contacting you. What happens if they contact you all the time but not to get back together? Are you supposed to tell them to contact you only if they want to get back together, or do they just know that.
Author tink_10050 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 This is so true and you couldn't have told me this at a better time with the holidays coming up. Yeah, the ball has to be in his stupid court. 2
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