confuso Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Hi all, I hope you don't mind me barging in for some much-needed advice... I'll try and keep a long story relatively short. Bit of background: I met a girl towards the beginning of the year, and saw her a few times...but she seemed to be putting me in the friend box so I stopped seeing her...nothing was said, we just sort of drifted. I try not to mix friendships and relationships, and I didn't feel like being strung along. I had a bunch of stuff going on in my life at the time too, to be fair I didn't really talk to many people for a while. I was wondering how she was doing recently so I dropped her a text and she suggested going out for a drink on the Saturday (a big deal as I'd always seen her at hers, as she has a kid). In the meantime she'd been periodically liking things on my Facebook which I had noticed also. She turns up all dolled up, we had a great time and she was all over me in no time. We kissed, and in the week arranged to make dinner at her house the following Saturday. I ended up spending the whole weekend with her, and again she seemed to be crazy about me. I didn't see her for over a week then as she was ill as was her son, but I saw her after work for a couple of hours the following Tuesday - again, all was great...I got a text shortly after I left her basically asking for assurance that I'm actually interested in her and not just trying to play her - which I gave her. I rang her the next day and we ended up being on the phone all night. She'd already invited me to a party with her friends on the Saturday by this point. It's worth mentioning here that her ex strung her along for several years promising to marry her and then at the last minute, two days before they were due to, turned around and said he didn't want to. This was about a year ago they broke up. Thursday night I get a message saying "I miss you"; she wanted me to come over and stay the night...my gut instinct was to give it a bit of distance until the Saturday but I did go and see her, and everything was great. The following night out of the blue I get a long-winded text saying that she doesn't feel a spark, a relationship with her is not the right choice, she doesn't want to hurt me and all those kind of things, and something's stopping her falling in love (what? It's only been three weeks!) and she hopes things can change in the future. Big WTF moment and in contradiction to all her previous behaviour. So I rang her and she was almost in tears, and we talked for an hour, I asked her if she was just scared, and maybe we should take things a bit slower...and she agreed - and to come to the party tomorrow and meet her friends. So I did...and was much more guarded this time, but before long she was all over me again and it was like nothing had changed. Got on great with all her friends, I had a quick word with her best friend about the situation and she said don't worry about it, she texts me all the time and says she's met this great guy but she's scared. So I thought - brilliant. I should have just left it on a high note, but I made the mistake of staying at hers again...on the Sunday she was much more distant with me, not touchy-feely like usual and it was very disconcerting. Before I left I offered to take her to see a film she wanted to see on the Friday, and she said she had a very busy week (true) and thought she would be too tired. I figured she wouldn't be too tired if Brad Pitt were asking, so I left shortly afterwards and told her to call me in the week; she said she would, and asked me to text her to let me know I'd got home. I did so (although more curtly than usual) and she text me straight back, and I just left it be - by this point I figured that was the end of it, for whatever reason. Then on Wednesday night she texts me asking how my week is going, and put a kiss on the end of it, then she didn't respond to me until the following afternoon...which she has never done before - and she was online on Whatsapp hours after I responded to her. So again I left it...the game playing spidey sense tingling...and again she texts me on Friday...I said I'd ring her on the Saturday, which I did and we spoke for about 10 minutes. She was off to the Christmas market with her son so she sent me some pictures and told me about her evening etc and we exchanged a couple of messages...then the next day I see she'd put up a bunch of pictures on Facebook and that she'd gone with her son and some guy she'd neglected to mention to me, but tagged in the post. Which I found both disrespectful and deceitful. I thought long and hard about it, figured all the signs added up to "she's playing me for a fool" then deleted her, blocked her from Whatsapp and cut all contact...with no intention of making any again unless I got an explanation. Since then (Sunday just gone) I've heard nothing. It's all just such a mind****. She wanted me to show her that I was genuinely interested in her, and then what she got that assurance...she turns around and messes with ME. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually not being played and there's something else going on here. Which is probably madness, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Philosoraptor Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 You're both playing games, and you're even playing games with yourself. If you get your head out of "the chase" mode, you'd see that this woman is nuts and you're not well grounded either when it comes to her. Yes, cutting her off was the right choice. 1
Delilah1623 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 She needs validation from men. When you're not around she's getting it from some other guy.
Author confuso Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I'm glad to hear I did do the right thing. It's quite frustrating because when things were good, they were really good. I wondered if I had some part to play in allowing "too much too soon", but surely if someone is into you as much as she was or seemed to be, then that's her issue and not mine if it makes her run away. It's not like I was planning our future or anything! I've never experienced anything like this before which is why I'm so baffled by it. No doubt she's now rationalising that I'm "just like all the others" and telling her friends I'm an arsehole. She seemed to have reinvented history in her head before by saying I asked her out for a drink, I held her hand and I kissed her when actually she did the first two of those things. That was odd. If it was just "being scared", I was prepared to work with that...and I knew that all along anyway. She told me after her ex it was six months before she could even hug a man, and I believe her when she says I'm the only guy she's slept with since then. But playing me...no, I won't put up with that.
mrs rubble Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Did you find out who the guy was? Or just assume and block and delete? Be a shame if it's her cousin or BIL or something! 1
aussietigerwolf Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Did you find out who the guy was? Or just assume and block and delete? Be a shame if it's her cousin or BIL or something! interesting point...
Eggplant Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 You two were moving too quickly. When you try to rush intimacy, either party may choke. Sounds as though she choked. It was too much, too fast.
Author confuso Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Did you find out who the guy was? Or just assume and block and delete? Be a shame if it's her cousin or BIL or something! Well...in the end despite what everyone was telling me (here, and friends), I just had this niggling feeling I couldn't shake that I was wrong, so I rang her lastnight. Turns out she was very upset all week and thought I was messing with her, not the other way around. And the guy was just her friend from work. It's amazing how 2+2 can equal 5...so now I feel really terrible about the whole thing! I went to see her lastnight and stayed the night (no, nothing happened - and her invitation to stay over), and she was as affectionate as ever even though she was upset with me. We're going out on Saturday. So I think we're good...although have certainly set things back a bit. I hope we can get past that. And yes, we did take things too fast! This whole experience has certainly taught me a lot. I'll be using questions instead of the silent treatment in future if I'm concerned about something... Thank you all. 1
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