sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 xmas with my 'ex' or apart? Hey all I split with my ex 17 days ago.. It was due to me not following through on closing the distance in ldr. We met saturday just gone and basically it was quite emotional for both of us..we are going to start a fresh relationship once i get a job and have moved (she wont believe it until i do it because of the past and to be fair ive said it a few times and not followed through) I am looking like mad right now, but wont voluntarily make myself unemployed..it make take a couple of months to get something with the job market as it is, but- given one more chance im doing it So-we agreed we are still single until i move, but that we will definitely be together if i do it :- fair enough. However, on saturday she hinted that she wants to spend time with me over xmas, and said she hasnt told family etc that we have split..only her colleagues know because she got upset at work. We are meeting for lunch in 10 days (i am going to her area to hunt work, free papers, job centre etc) Given how things nearly got intimate last time i figured lunch in public is better, and dont want things over complicated until properly together. But aside from that, i think it best if the next time we are together is when im local to her... Partly to give her space to be SURE she still wants me- we talk every day right now, so im hardly giving her time to think... and she needs to be sure as im leaving a safe job. And partly so we can truly have a fresh start Does this make sense? or am i being stupid? I really want her to be sure she wants me with no doubts, which means giving her space, but- dont want to do anything that pushes her away either (such as xmas apart) ...plus i think id find it very hard being with her but not WITH her.
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 You're having a baby with this woman. Why is any of this a question? Spend Christmas together 1
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 You're having a baby with this woman. Why is any of this a question? Spend Christmas together looks like we arent, it looks like it was a chemical.
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Oh. So now what? If you can't or won't fix the distance, ending this sooner rather than later would be best
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Oh. So now what? If you can't or won't fix the distance, ending this sooner rather than later would be best We met saturday and are both gutted no pregnancy even if it was unplanned In a nutshell, im looking for jobs, but she is skeptical about me carrying it through (given the past its understandable)... but i will. We are going to start afresh when i have a new job...100%, new start etc But even though she is saying 'no new relationship until you actually have done it' she wants xmas together... I feel that if she is insisting no new start until i find work - xmas together is a bad move..
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I feel that if she is insisting no new start until i find work - xmas together is a bad move.. She's looking for behavior changes -- you coming to her action -- that will help her believe that you are serious about finding the job closer to her so you can have a relationship. It's a test. Don't fail. When you are at her place, log on her computer & send in at least one job application. So she can see you do it. Ask her to help you with the job search. I found my husband's currrent job. You should also look for jobs for her. If you find one, suggest that she apply because her moving to you also solves your problem. If she takes a stand that only you should get a new job, you really have to decide how bad you want the relationship.
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 She's looking for behavior changes -- you coming to her action -- that will help her believe that you are serious about finding the job closer to her so you can have a relationship. It's a test. Don't fail. When you are at her place, log on her computer & send in at least one job application. So she can see you do it. Ask her to help you with the job search. I found my husband's currrent job. You should also look for jobs for her. If you find one, suggest that she apply because her moving to you also solves your problem. If she takes a stand that only you should get a new job, you really have to decide how bad you want the relationship. She has always been upfront about not leaving her job ever.. Originally we were going to commute, after god knows how long looking at every possible place in between us to live and working out the costs we came to the conclusion the only affordable way was one travelling most the distance.. i actually tried the commute (travelling both ways with an early start) and its a killer. Its me leaving my job, or we truly are finished And yes i know the 'no relationship until you move' is a test, we had a proper heart to heart saturday, she said she loves me, loves being with me, wants to be with me and live with me.. but that im unreliable.. and she finds it hard to believe ill leave my job, and will believe it when i do it. Ive decided to do it- she is more important than my job..losing her has made me realise that. I just think its odd wanting xmas together while not wanting to be back together..maybee its me
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 And yes i know the 'no relationship until you move' is a test, we had a proper heart to heart saturday, she said she loves me, loves being with me, wants to be with me and live with me.. I just think its odd wanting xmas together while not wanting to be back together..maybee its me You misunderstand me. The Christmas thing is a test Not getting back together until you move is an ultimatium. If she is making you give up your job & she's not even willing to consider giving up hers -- that to me doesn't bode well for marriage. She's too selfish & inflexible.
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 You misunderstand me. The Christmas thing is a test Not getting back together until you move is an ultimatium. If she is making you give up your job & she's not even willing to consider giving up hers -- that to me doesn't bode well for marriage. She's too selfish & inflexible. Hmm but when we looked at commuting, it didnt work and it looked like we would have to split over distance (ages ago) i stepped forward and said id have to look for work, so the onus is on me really..
Simon Phoenix Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I'd say no to spending Christmas with her. That's something that couples do. You aren't a couple right now.
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 I'd say no to spending Christmas with her. That's something that couples do. You aren't a couple right now. Thats how i see it, but she thinks as we are gonna try again when i have a job, we should have xmas together I personally would find all of it hard... sleeping on sofa, visiting her family etc etc but i thought maybee i was being unreasonable... thanks
Simon Phoenix Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Thats how i see it, but she thinks as we are gonna try again when i have a job, we should have xmas together I personally would find all of it hard... sleeping on sofa, visiting her family etc etc but i thought maybee i was being unreasonable... thanks This isn't the last Christmas in human history. There will be another and if you get together by then, you can spend it. She is already demanding you quit your job and move to be with her, she doesn't get to demand how you spend your holiday when you aren't dating.
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 This isn't the last Christmas in human history. There will be another and if you get together by then, you can spend it. She is already demanding you quit your job and move to be with her, she doesn't get to demand how you spend your holiday when you aren't dating. i know, on the one hand i dont want to do anything to sour things and on the other hand, i could set myself to be a doormat here..and i dont think showing zero spine is a good way to go. she hasnt demanded i move jobs btw, its just the alternative is split up
Simon Phoenix Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 i know, on the one hand i dont want to do anything to sour things and on the other hand, i could set myself to be a doormat here..and i dont think showing zero spine is a good way to go. she hasnt demanded i move jobs btw, its just the alternative is split up I've read your threads, she has flat refused to look for a job near you. So yeah, it's not like she's being negotiable. Unless she makes money hand over fist and can support you if worse comes to worst, she's not really being fair with her demands. If you make close to equal salary, you both should be open to relocating. But no to Christmas -- broken-up couples don't spend Christmas together. That's just weird.
Author sun1972 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 I've read your threads, she has flat refused to look for a job near you. So yeah, it's not like she's being negotiable. Unless she makes money hand over fist and can support you if worse comes to worst, she's not really being fair with her demands. If you make close to equal salary, you both should be open to relocating. But no to Christmas -- broken-up couples don't spend Christmas together. That's just weird. I make about 8k dollars more a year... so it is fairly equal salaries I dont think shes being unfair though... she was honest from the start, im the one who offered then backed out of it... i didnt WANT to leave my job, but didnt wanna lose her... anyway i tend to agree on xmas, and was planning to visit family for that week and a bit, but i do admit i worry about her deciding we r off over something as daft as xmas i think its because she hasnt told her family we have split... and maybee doesnt want to, i dont know... thanks for all the feedback, it helps to hear neutral viewpoints
Simon Phoenix Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I make about 8k dollars more a year... so it is fairly equal salaries I dont think shes being unfair though... she was honest from the start, im the one who offered then backed out of it... i didnt WANT to leave my job, but didnt wanna lose her... anyway i tend to agree on xmas, and was planning to visit family for that week and a bit, but i do admit i worry about her deciding we r off over something as daft as xmas i think its because she hasnt told her family we have split... and maybee doesnt want to, i dont know... thanks for all the feedback, it helps to hear neutral viewpoints So if it came down to her moving or breaking up with you, she'd end it with you? That's not a reciprocal relationship. That would annoy me personally. But honestly, if she's unreasonable to the point where you wanting to visit your family instead of her WHILE YOU ARE BROKEN UP for Christmas is a breaking point to her reconciling, then I'm really not sure how serious she is about it. There's a difference between being accomodating and being a doormat. I think your instinct to not go is the correct one.
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