Great relationship very bad hurtful end: Is it good to clear the air.

[John Leaming]

My ex and I broke up six months ago (first time) initiated by her, and three months ago (second time sort of) initiated by me (forced hand). She gave a whole list of reasons (most just little things that she hadn't told me at the time but were really not that big of a deal) but the one that stuck in my mind was "I had too many problems!". Please note my mum had died a year before and I was still dealing with the fallout from that. On top of this I was on a special diet prescribed by my doctor and that was difficult to stick to. I also now have a stupid chronic hand injury from climbing too hard that will require surgery. I was a little down about it all. On top of this I was finishing my PhD. So I had a lot on my plate. I will admit that the two or three weeks leading up to this I had become a bit distant myself (just a lull after three years?/taking for granted what you have) but when I realised what had happened I tried to make it up to her but by this point she wasn't really into it and was out partying with her new friends from work. Classic communication problem..The thing is it was a very good relationship for three years. We were very close and she had stood by me and been a good friend through losing my mum. I don't have a bad word to say regarding anything accept the way she dealt with the break up which to put bluntly was a total mess. Its a shame after such a good relationship. She came back 6/7 weeks after we broke up (I hadn't contacted her and she just decided to turn up at my flat. I had been at a party and she was asleep on my couch!) So very dramatic saying she wanted another chance and she was upset and also that she had slept with someone else after the breakup, a one night stand. A few weeks later we were "dating again", all was getting better and then after three weeks she started being distant again. For two weeks she was a nightmare. She started claiming that she was a lost and stupid 24 year old with no direction, and all that **** (basically quarter life crisis). In the back of my mind I always thought there was someone else and had my suspicions who it was. I never mentioned his name although I said I think she left me for someone else. She said it wasn't like that. In the end I broke it off with her saying I couldn't take it any more but really she had already checked out again before me saying that. Two months later I see she went to Italy with the guy I had my suspicions about. I don't know if they are just friends (I think they were before but maybe it became more). It didn't end with fights, in fact it was quite a loving ending, but I was very hurt by all this crap. I was hurt by what she said and the way she treated me and perhaps she was lying too. I don't know. She still seems to care about me, has sent messages that I ignored. I don't know whether I should meet to clear the air with her and explain that she hurt me and why and ask about whether she lied. or cut her out for good. I am 31/32 and have a lot more experience than she does, shes 24 and I was her first at just about everything. I can understand that at that age I was also a twat and did more stupid things than I do now. But still. I miss her in my life but at the same time she hurt me too much. If I just disappear she will not know that I knew about this guy or that she hurt me with what she said. I don't know. Obviously I am holding onto unsaid things that are stopping me moving forward. But talking to her about them is also hard but necessary if I am to clear the air. I am off to Vietnam for three weeks to clear my head. It has been about 3 months of almost no contact. This is still simplifying it all but any thoughts would be much appreciated. A very good relationship but bad hurtful end. Is it good to clear the air with someone that you genuinely cared for and that cared for you at some point even if they hurt you. I think immaturity is a factor in all of this too. Thanks for reading! this is my first post EVER on the internet.

[d0nnivain]

You call it "clearing the air" I call it a search for closure. You won't get the closure you seek. There are no words that will make the pain subside or make you understand why she did what she did or why the relationship ended. Getting together to rehash this has more potential to make it worse, not better.

 

I'm sorry about your mom. I hope your surgery goes well. Good luck with your PhD

[nevergoodenough]

My ex and I broke up six months ago (first time) initiated by her, and three months ago (second time sort of) initiated by me (forced hand). She gave a whole list of reasons (most just little things that she hadn't told me at the time but were really not that big of a deal) but the one that stuck in my mind was "I had too many problems!". Please note my mum had died a year before and I was still dealing with the fallout from that. On top of this I was on a special diet prescribed by my doctor and that was difficult to stick to. I also now have a stupid chronic hand injury from climbing too hard that will require surgery. I was a little down about it all. On top of this I was finishing my PhD. So I had a lot on my plate. I will admit that the two or three weeks leading up to this I had become a bit distant myself (just a lull after three years?/taking for granted what you have) but when I realised what had happened I tried to make it up to her but by this point she wasn't really into it and was out partying with her new friends from work. Classic communication problem..The thing is it was a very good relationship for three years. We were very close and she had stood by me and been a good friend through losing my mum. I don't have a bad word to say regarding anything accept the way she dealt with the break up which to put bluntly was a total mess. Its a shame after such a good relationship. She came back 6/7 weeks after we broke up (I hadn't contacted her and she just decided to turn up at my flat. I had been at a party and she was asleep on my couch!) So very dramatic saying she wanted another chance and she was upset and also that she had slept with someone else after the breakup, a one night stand. A few weeks later we were "dating again", all was getting better and then after three weeks she started being distant again. For two weeks she was a nightmare. She started claiming that she was a lost and stupid 24 year old with no direction, and all that **** (basically quarter life crisis). In the back of my mind I always thought there was someone else and had my suspicions who it was. I never mentioned his name although I said I think she left me for someone else. She said it wasn't like that. In the end I broke it off with her saying I couldn't take it any more but really she had already checked out again before me saying that. Two months later I see she went to Italy with the guy I had my suspicions about. I don't know if they are just friends (I think they were before but maybe it became more). It didn't end with fights, in fact it was quite a loving ending, but I was very hurt by all this crap. I was hurt by what she said and the way she treated me and perhaps she was lying too. I don't know. She still seems to care about me, has sent messages that I ignored. I don't know whether I should meet to clear the air with her and explain that she hurt me and why and ask about whether she lied. or cut her out for good. I am 31/32 and have a lot more experience than she does, shes 24 and I was her first at just about everything. I can understand that at that age I was also a twat and did more stupid things than I do now. But still. I miss her in my life but at the same time she hurt me too much. If I just disappear she will not know that I knew about this guy or that she hurt me with what she said. I don't know. Obviously I am holding onto unsaid things that are stopping me moving forward. But talking to her about them is also hard but necessary if I am to clear the air. I am off to Vietnam for three weeks to clear my head. It has been about 3 months of almost no contact. This is still simplifying it all but any thoughts would be much appreciated. A very good relationship but bad hurtful end. Is it good to clear the air with someone that you genuinely cared for and that cared for you at some point even if they hurt you. I think immaturity is a factor in all of this too. Thanks for reading! this is my first post EVER on the internet.

 

What would be the point of meeting up with her only to accuse her of cheating on you? If you do that, she def isn't going to want you back. Sometimes its hard to just accept that something could actually be wrong with us, so it becomes easier to imagine she had someone else. It's very possible that your relationship was just too stressful for her, maybe that's why she ended it. No point in re hashing any of the things that you went through to her or accusing her of things, it won't get you anywhere. If you want her in your life, just keep doing what you have been doing. Leave her be and she will come back when she is ready.

[Acacia98]

Sorry about your mom's passing.

I don't think you have to meet with your ex-girlfriend to get closure. Closure is already within reach: You suspected she cheated and it turns out you're right. That is really all you need to know. If she hasn't been honest with you about the reason she broke up with you all this time, there's no reason for her to start being honest now. I have a feeling that, if you made the effort to meet with her and asked her about the cheating, she would deny it. And where would that leave you? Probably angry and frustrated and back where you started, right? Anyway, it's ultimately up to you. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[John Leaming]

Thanks for your thoughts. Its also bad because we had planned to go away to Italy together! It is actually the worst break up of my life. Her behaviour contradicts everything I thought I knew about her. I suppose I am just in two minds about everything which makes it harder to move on. Because I ignored her messages about giving her stuff back when I found this out, she got annoyed and said I wish we could be civil at least. I just said I need more time...Maybe that is the answer. I will also send her stuff back in the post with no message.