How can the first meeting not be just an information exchange?

November 27, 2013

I have a dilemma that I would prefer never to repeat ever again.

Twice now I have met up with girls online, one was for a quick bite to eat, and the other was for a beer.

Both times it seemed that we got along fine online. But when I meet up with them in person, it just turns into an information exchange. We just talk about ourselves such as our jobs, and hobbies, and mundane things like that which gets bland really fast. Then when the outing or date or whatever you want to call it is over, I don't know how to end it besides a hug and goodbye.

What we are lacking are real discussions about how we feel about things, what makes each other click. How we feel about relationships and each other. What are we doing here. Without talking about meaningful things, I just feel like I am blabbing a bunch of factoids about my life and not really connecting with a girl. And I don't know how to be intimate or formulate that chemistry and rapport, that leads to a relationship.

How do I avoid this with women??

On another note, lately I am not sure if meeting one-on-one with girls online is even a productive activity. You may seem like you have a lot in common online, but may not click when you meet in real life. You can generally tell if you can click with someone in a matter of minutes, and if you don't click with someone during that outing, you are still stuck with them for an extended period and can't escape without making it awkward. The bottom line seems to be that people generally know if they are right for each other in a matter of minutes of meeting in person, and that rapport usually cannot be authentically established online.

November 27, 2013

OLD sucks

I never feel any chemistry on the first meet up. It feels really fake and forced.

November 27, 2013

Well...that sounds like a really boring time.

The point of going on a date is not to talk about these things or exchange just these "facts" about your life don't let that be your focus, they're merely conversation starters...they're generic questions that hopefully lead to a more open and relaxed conversation, something that makes you feel connected with the other person if the connection is there.

You should ask her questions to find common ground, to get a gauge of her personality to see if there is compatibility and interact with her in a way that opens up doors to seeing if there's anything that clicks between you two, personality/interest wise etc.

Try to keep yourself from just blabbing away on one topic too much especially if you're not getting any feedback, and don't stick to these generic questions of "getting to know somebody"...talk about something else, be creative, maybe something you're interested in or passionate about...an experience you had, and then ask her questions about herself if she doesn't chime in.

If there's chemistry it's going to be apparent pretty quickly once things start to get flowing...unfortunately it really seems like a lot of people have a hard time opening up or getting a conversation flowing and that I guess just takes practice.

Personally I just go out there, not really thinking about it...don't even really look at it as a "date", I'm just meeting someone.

But I don't really have a hard time engaging in conversation with someone, and I don't stick to the generic things...it's normal if I don't find out their profession or what not...I don't have a standard way of doing things and If I've met them online I've already had conversations with them over the phone and such...I don't understand how people just set up these dates based on the profile and then head out...for myself I'm going to try to gauge some compatibility before doing that as I don't want to be in a situation where I don't even want to be there.

November 27, 2013

I don't like to waste a lot of time online building fantasies so I meet up with them ASAP.

I generally suggest meeting up within 3 emails. Then it's an hour for a drink or coffee and it tells me more than weeks of emailing.....Guys seem to be very receptive to meeting up quickly.

November 27, 2013

have to admit i did it the opposite way to those ways recommended here on my last first date, we chatted for about a month on msn, phone, emails etc (i was reluctant to meet anyone)

when we did meet it felt like more was at stake than a normal first date.. she was visibly shaking when i walked out to the carpark to meet her

But we hit it off instantly.. and the chemistry was there

November 27, 2013

I don't like to waste a lot of time online building fantasies so I meet up with them ASAP.

I generally suggest meeting up within 3 emails. Then it's an hour for a drink or coffee and it tells me more than weeks of emailing.....Guys seem to be very receptive to meeting up quickly.

Doesn't have to get sexual or even highly romantic, I'm not sure if that's where those conversations are going every time for you, but you can definitely just get to know someone and hit a stride with them without it feeling like there's some grand expectation to live up to. If that's an issue then just avoid that subject matter and steer the conversation back on track, I do it myself with women who are trying to "hook" me with certain conversation.

I'm also not implying you should spend ages getting to know someone, but at least spend some time doing so IMO.

Personally without meeting them nothing is set in stone...doesn't mean I won't be excited or anticipate it...but that's part of the fun, sometimes it doesn't work out and you just have a normal lackluster experience and other times you really hit it off...I mean that's life (to me), but most of the time because I've filtered out the ones I didn't have a strong feeling about it's typically a positive outcome. I'm pretty selective when it comes to that because I feel like I can determine what is going to work for me.

And that's the thing, a lot of people have these really grand expectations of OLD...like it's some quick "get rich" scheme or "quick diet" plan, like you're going to send 3 messages, get a reply back and get exactly what you wanted and were looking for....I went into it with very low expectations and was never left feeling disappointed. But I think this is often why people do, they have these unrealistic expectations about OLD and think it's going to do the work for them.

At any rate, I won't go into detail what works for me and how I am with OLD but it's been a very positive thing for me but I feel like I have control over the outcome...I don't really place my expectations on someone else without doing my part, I hold myself accountable for my influence in the situation and my success in the romantic arena in general.

November 27, 2013

So ninja if I was a random woman on OKC and I asked you to meet up within 3 emails, you would say no?

I need to readjust my view of OLD. Right now it's like this endless conveyor belt of men that all seem the same :/

November 27, 2013

So ninja if I was a random woman on OKC and I asked you to meet up within 3 emails, you would say no?

Honestly yeah, chances are high that I would say no.

I need to readjust my view of OLD. Right now it's like this endless conveyor belt of men that all seem the same :/

Well you can't really blame them...after all, they're doing the same thing you are, meeting quickly without any kind of gauge to compatibility...it's just a roll of the dice in that case.

There are many people who believe dating is a numbers game, IMO that's not the case.

My belief is people have more control over things than they realize, they just don't have the self-awareness to realize their mistakes or how they present themselves and how their behavior is interpreted by the opposite sex. And if they do, they often refuse to change it for whatever reason.

They also don't take responsibility for their decisions, especially the bad ones...and neglect the fact that they knew better but went along with it anyway to gives things a "chance".

Most people tend to blame external factors for their failures instead of themselves. And that's why they tend to repeat the same mistakes.

Keep in mind I'm trying to stay on topic and addressing the general forum and not just singling you out necessarily...just in general saying it like it is.

November 27, 2013

So ninja if I was a random woman on OKC and I asked you to meet up within 3 emails, you would say no?

I need to readjust my view of OLD. Right now it's like this endless conveyor belt of men that all seem the same :/

I have to admit id say no as well, i dont think you need to know everything about a person before you meet them, or chat for months etc

But im fussy about who i meet and 3 messages would not be enough for me.

November 27, 2013

Addressing ninja's post:

Say that instead of meeting within 3 emails, I emailed with them for a month. I would still get no chemistry on meeting, only now I have wasted a month. Unless you are saying that I am more likely to have chemistry if I correspond with someone for longer....which I don't beleive is true. Sure I would end up meeting up with less men because I would weed some out during the correspondence process...but I would still end up meeting the same subset of ones that I'm meeting with my approach...leading to the same outcome.

November 27, 2013

Addressing ninja's post:

Say that instead of meeting within 3 emails, I emailed with them for a month. I would still get no chemistry on meeting, only now I have wasted a month. Unless you are saying that I am more likely to have chemistry if I correspond with someone for longer....which I don't beleive is true. Sure I would end up meeting up with less men because I would weed some out during the correspondence process...but I would still end up meeting the same subset of ones that I'm meeting with my approach...leading to the same outcome.

Well you might have to find the "sweet spot" for yourself where you've felt you met someone well enough to determine compatibility....personally in OLD I'm in no rush, I'm not in a hurry to hit it off with someone right away...I'm anticipating the long-haul...anything less than that is just "lucky". I spend the time necessary for my own needs.

I'd also rather get to know someone by communicating with them first in that way rather than just multi-date a bunch of women trying to get to know them all at the same time, then play straws and see who draws the longest one if there's any kind of conflict or confusion...I'm not going to invest in all these "dates" while trying to get to know someone...so unless you're looking for something casual I don't know how anyone would really focus in that way on one person, but that's designed based on my own awareness of myself and what I need to establish compatibility.

You can't take things to extremes when making comparisons because there's always a balance and you can't also blame your success or lack of just based off the time you've spend talking to people...that's obviously not all there is to it, if you're experiencing a pattern then you've got to look at what you're doing and your methods to question whether you're going about it the best way...and you keep making adjustments until you figure it out, rather than just keep going around in circles.

And like I said a lot of that comes with self-awareness and even self-control to stick to your standards or expectations. After all, you can't blame anyone but yourself in the end...failure here and there and that's reasonable, but a consistent pattern and there's something you're not doing right or seeing.

November 27, 2013

YEah, and unfortunately, women don't...they say things like, "Oh, I want to wait a little longer, get to know you before I meet you"

Great, she wants to get to know me BEFORE she gets to know me...real nice! LOL

Of course, I have had seen dating profiles from women complaining about the men trying to be just pen-pals to them and that's it....so I ZONE in on those ladies...because they have no issue with meeting faster. LOL

I don't like to waste a lot of time online building fantasies so I meet up with them ASAP.

I generally suggest meeting up within 3 emails. Then it's an hour for a drink or coffee and it tells me more than weeks of emailing.....Guys seem to be very receptive to meeting up quickly.

November 27, 2013

Say that instead of meeting within 3 emails, I emailed with them for a month. I would still get no chemistry on meeting, only now I have wasted a month. Unless you are saying that I am more likely to have chemistry if I correspond with someone for longer....which I don't beleive is true. Sure I would end up meeting up with less men because I would weed some out during the correspondence process...but I would still end up meeting the same subset of ones that I'm meeting with my approach...leading to the same outcome.

Isn't online correspondence much faster, easier and cheaper than meeting in person? Shouldn't the weight of the selection process be online? Maybe you think you've done enough pre-meeting compatibility checks in 3 emails, I'd want to correspond a bit longer than that. It doesn't seem like a lot of "wasted" time to send some emails. Nothing stops you from corresponding with lots of guys at a time?

November 27, 2013

Isn't online correspondence much faster, easier and cheaper than meeting in person? Shouldn't the weight of the selection process be online? Maybe you think you've done enough pre-meeting compatibility checks in 3 emails, I'd want to correspond a bit longer than that. It doesn't seem like a lot of "wasted" time to send some emails. Nothing stops you from corresponding with lots of guys at a time?

I have to disagree, I think it's silly to "get to know someone BEFORE getting to know someone".

November 27, 2013

Isn't online correspondence much faster, easier and cheaper than meeting in person? Shouldn't the weight of the selection process be online? Maybe you think you've done enough pre-meeting compatibility checks in 3 emails, I'd want to correspond a bit longer than that. It doesn't seem like a lot of "wasted" time to send some emails. Nothing stops you from corresponding with lots of guys at a time?

All you get from messaging is the tiniest hints. If they're good with words they will control the impression they make. I think you can eliminate a lot of people from a few messages or a phone call, but you can't know if that elusive, overwhelming chemistry exists until you actually meet.

I had this one woman that I would've bet a thousands bucks that we'd end up having a relationship based on several weeks or a month's worth of messaging and pics. Expectations had been elevated for us both, and we even talked about how much we hoped it worked out. But when she walked into that restaurant, I knew it was a no-go before she even sat down at the table! This stuff is so intuitive that it defies explanation. We talked awhile, disappointment being palpable as we ate a salad and said our goodbyes... we both knew without it even having to be said. I sent her a nice text shortly after thanking her for meeting, and she sent one back. It was simply understood.

November 27, 2013

Feeling sad fo yew....!!!

Seems like u were having first online date with her. You shouldn't be much formal wid her. On ur first date if u'll b havin dat kinda boring conversation u surely gotta lose your date. Just try to be much casual to her. Just tell her your adventurous moments nad try to get closer to her. Hold her hands and express your feelings for her.

How do i knw all about things? Coz i have visited so many dating sites nd i found a good one for myself dat can help u too , to don't get ur first be so messy n ol dat... !! :laugh:

November 27, 2013

Isn't online correspondence much faster, easier and cheaper than meeting in person? Shouldn't the weight of the selection process be online? Maybe you think you've done enough pre-meeting compatibility checks in 3 emails, I'd want to correspond a bit longer than that. It doesn't seem like a lot of "wasted" time to send some emails. Nothing stops you from corresponding with lots of guys at a time?

It is faster, easier, and cheaper. But like I said in the OP, it is less effective because you may not click in real life.

I am finding that going to single events (like the Stir Events through Match, or any activity that involves a lot of singles) is far more effective. You get a genuine feel for a person right there, and know whether it will work out.

That's why I am starting to be extremely reluctant of having long winded conversations with women online which will most probably fail when we meet in real life. And back the OP, I am not sure if it is because of something wrong I am doing or there is something more subtle and unconscious going on that is turning these first dates into boring information exchanges.

November 27, 2013

And back the OP, I am not sure if it is because of something wrong I am doing or there is something more subtle and unconscious going on that is turning these first dates into boring information exchanges.

Conducting a first date like an interview equals... boring information exchange. Change the format and do a fun activity, or if it must be a drink/coffee date then change the communication style drastically. Ask truly open-ended questions and to get her talking about how she feels. Make her think on her feet so to speak. Keep it challenging, exciting, reach deep and avoid surface level topics. Make body language work for you, touch, and make sure to spend plenty of time looking directly into her eyes. If you get to the point of her pouring her heart out with you holding her hand and staring into her eyes... wouldn't that be better?

November 28, 2013

I don't like to waste a lot of time online building fantasies so I meet up with them ASAP.

I generally suggest meeting up within 3 emails. Then it's an hour for a drink or coffee and it tells me more than weeks of emailing.....Guys seem to be very receptive to meeting up quickly.

I'm with you ES, the sooner you meet up the better. No more than 3-5 emails. I'm looking for a date, not a pen pal.

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How can the first meeting not be just an information exchange?

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