NC just makes me remember the bad times.

[Silver Fox]

I've read that for some people NC helps them have time to forget the anger and the bad feelings and remember the things you cared about. I'm only going into day 4 of NC from a 2 1/2 year relationship. But this is the longest we've gone without some kind of sign.

 

Seven months into the start of our relationship I discovered that my girlfriend wasn't the girl I'd fallen in love with. That seven months had been full of lies and deceptions and infidelities. I was devastated. I had been separated for 2 years from my wife of 15 years and making divorce arrangements, so I was already a little beaten up. At any other time in my life I would have thrown her out. I was weak and still in love with her good qualities. I also saw myself saving her from going back to a life she was far better than.

 

It was difficult for me to deal with but over time I could rid myself of the pain and humiliation. Unfortunately she turned out to have alcohol problems as well.

I know I'm painting a bleak picture here, but this is an intelligent beautiful caring human being. She had problems and I was willing to help, but she was in denial and would go days without issue. We were living together and at times when she went out partying with her girlfriends she would stay out.

 

If not for past experience that would not have been an issue.

I don't believe she cheated on me anymore, but the doubt and suspicion was never far away. When she drank she was not in control and showed poor judgement. I am considerably older than she is, and I'm sure it was a drag to have your dad watching. Also I know her deepest darkest secrets and that probably keeps her uncomfortable.

 

I know this doesn't sound like the grounds for a good relationship but we do love each other, it just all got messed up along the way.

We have been on again off again the last couple of months. We've talked about taking time and trying NC but one of us always misses the other and we're back together.

 

Last Thursday night she was with a girlfriend. I know she feels like she's "reporting " to me, but I try to relax and just tell her to have a good time as she usually texts anyway. I was determined not too bug her, but after 7 hours of nothing I decided to call. I tried her three times over a two hour period until about 2:30 in in the morning. She said before going out she'd text "Hi" later and thats all it would have taken. She says she resented having to contact me ( even though she was texting me every couple of hours from work that afternoon. In the past she hasn't taken calls but texted because she didn't want me to hear how drunk she was or the club music. She didn't reply until 7:00am.

Was she with a guy? Maybe. Just loaded with her girlfriend? Probably. But she knew what I'd think and what I'd go through. And she let me.

 

She was supposed to come over for the weekend that Friday afternoon but I was angry so it didn't happen. We texted and argued. I gave her space on Saturday. We texted a little. she told me her plans with her family for Sunday. I didn't text. Neither did she. And thats how our NC started. I posted a photo on Facebook later that day and she almost immediately "liked it" I thought , that sucks if she watches everytime I'm on FB, she'll know what I'm doing. Rather than block her. I deactivated the account. If I reacivate at some point all friends including her will still be there.

 

Thank you if you've read this far.

Because we didn't initiate NC, it just happened, I think this will be like a contest to her now normally we can't let it go long. We are best friends we miss being together. I think she will be better off than I will. For one thing, she can't go anywhere without attention and men trying to get her number. She has her girlfriends and family. i don't have family here and all of my friends are married. The one time she may break NC is if she's out drinking with the girls.

This weekend is going to be hard for me. Even harder if she doesnt text me.

If she does and I don't reply, she'll be insulted. We didn't end on a fight, we just said goodnight. If she's drinking and angry, she could say, "I'm sure there's someone here who wants to talk to me" Which of course will cut me like a knife.

 

Sorry this is so long. It's the first time I've written it out or told anyone ( and I've left out a lot ). I can't discuss it with friends. I couldn't even go into details with a therapist I saw to help me get over the jealousy and insecurity because it was too humiliating and I didn't want him to see me as some loser or have a bad opinion of her if he met her.

 

When we are together the things that are great about her help me overcome the other ( until she does something to remind me of it ) But with NC, I'm just pissed and wishing I kicked her out in the street 7 months into the relationship. I wouldn't have gone through the hell I have or the hell I'm going through now

Edited November 27, 2013 by Silver Fox
typo

[Silver Fox]

Is there no one up to chat about this?

[fixing]

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I think you need to run as far away from this woman. She's a cheater, and its true what they say, believe me, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

She also has a drinking problem that she's not addressing. She likes to make you jealous.

There is so much wrong in this relationship. Seriously, you should stay no contact and get OVER her asap.

You will find a much better match. Maybe your still not over your ex wife? And thats why your clinging onto hope with this new girlfriend because you dont want to be alone again?

[notthathard]

Sorry this is so long. It's the first time I've written it out or told anyone

 

No problem man, people do read this stuff and enjoy helping people when they are in these situations.

 

The relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster. You sensed it at the start, but you kept it going.

 

I'd say give this a month without speaking you'll begin to see the real her in your eyes. Although you wont get over her in a month it will shed some light on whether you would even want this type of woman in your life anymore.

 

Your only on day 4, get out there in the world and do the things you would/or wanted to do if she was not around.

[Silver Fox]

No I'm definitely over the ex wife. She poisoned the well..

There are more details then I care to write about this that would make her look even worse, but there are also a lot that would make her look good. It's not black and white. She was great to my kids but my ex was terrible to her.

She'd like a child with someone who hasn't experienced it either, but I think I have done a lot of good for her and that a lot of her partying was to cover her disappointment at where her career isn't. And she had to get wasted to deal with some of the choices she made. She does't sleep well. I think in the beginning it was because when with me she couldn't put herself to sleep with wine and weed, Stop doing that after it becomes a habit and I'm sure it's tough.

 

I think she also has post traumatic stress. She was taken off the street when she was 3 I believe and then returned in 23 hours with no explanation. She couldn't talk about what happened but was cross eyed after that and had to have multiple surgeries years later. It pretty much ****ed up her adolescence.

I've tried to encourage her to get counselling but I don't think she wants to know what happened.

 

You wouldn't know any of these if you met her. She's charming, pretty, sexy and very funny. Women like her unless there's jealousy and of course men all want to....

That can get pretty tiresome after a while. She never demonstrates enjoying it, but how could you not?

[Silver Fox]

It's still early on day four and I feel like I/m losing my mind. I have no idea how she's doing ( I know that was the idea ) I just don't want to think that this is being easy for her.

We just did this naturally, but she must think it's really for the best to be able to do this. I don't want her to suffer like I am. I'd just like to think she misses me.

Weekend is coming. I'm just pacing the house. ( work is non existent at the moment )

Yester day I got out of my bathrobe for the first time in 4 days and went and got a haircut and stopped by the tanning salon for a little colour. I felt better till it got dark, I was up till 4:00AM. I'm going out for a bit. but tonight looks like another bad time in the making.

Thursday night will be club night. OH boy.

Sorry guys and girls. Need someone to bore with this.....

[Silver Fox]

She broke the NC and I would have ignored it but she was super upset and accusing me of things that made me so angry I was getting chest pains. A girlfriend of hers who I saw briefly was leaving the country and told me she was going to introduce me to my next girlfriend. This was 2 1/2 years ago and we got along like a house on fire. The girl wasn't done with me yet so she was a bit jealous of how things took off between us,

I heard one thing she had told my new girlfriend which floored me.

She told my girlfriend that she was worried that her period was late and she might be pregnant, She told her the condom broke and she was going through the agonizing wait to be able to take a test. This of course made my new girlfriend very nervous and comfortable. Here's the kicker. It never happened. I've never broken a condom in my life and would never come inside someone without being convinced of protection..

My girlfriend has hung on to this story, because why would the girl tell it. BECAUSE SHE'S JEALOUS of how fast I fell for the other girl and is trying to introduce unsurety.

 

Today she was decribing in grahic detail the kind of sex she knows I like. Why would anyone do that to a friend. She also told her about two instances where we supposedly had sex when we didn't. If she really is her friend why do this. So girlfriend braks 4 days of NC and tears into me and I'm furious. The two incidents of sex I wouold be in my right to have had because mt girlfriend hadn't starting going out. I'd admit it if it were true because I did no wrong, but it's not true.A couple of days later my girl went off on her secretive Escort tour for 4 days. I wouldn;t discover those for almost 8 months.

So we fought about something that never happened cause by an exgirlfriend ( although never my girlfriend ) told some lies which my girlfriend chooses to believe. Why would she say that? Jealousy.

[Silver Fox]

I now wish I could delete this thread entirely. In pain I sent it to my girlfriend.

I started it in that terrible time of NC and despite the fact that I needed someone to talk to I feel like I've shared things far too personal and issues that are easy to judge without knowing the two people.

If I had written when the problem occurred I might have got some good advice then.

 

If I could travel back in time and give myself some advice it would be this.

If you are strong enough and you still love this woman, then accept her back and never speak of it again. Never use it in a fight or use cruel words meant to punish her. I had the choice, say goodbye or not. In my case I should have because I couldn't get over it and it haunted me constantly. It is unfair to continually punish someone for something they did after forgiving them. Assuming because they lied before they are going to lie again will never give either of you a moments peace.

 

I know if she could go back in time she wouldn't have waited so long to determine if I was the one. Or never found herself in that position in the first place.

 

If I could, I would take back all the hurtful things I said because I wanted her to feel the pain I felt.

 

I still love her, but I don't know that we can undo whats done.

I was asked to forget some things. Can we forget the way we feel now and go back to feeling the way we did about each other when we first met?

 

Thanks for listening.