heart12 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Was dating a girl for 2 months- we did the whole "no label" thing because she has a fear of commitment and warned me of it. She's in her early twenties. Once it felt like a real relationship she started running and freaking out. We saw each other day time activity 2 weeks ago and while I pulled back, she kept putting my arm around her. Last thing that happened was we kissed and I said was that bad? She said I don't know maybe... and I said it didn't feel bad to which she responded "I know that's the problem." She goes back and forth between not wanting relationship but then when she's with me it makes her want it. Then it's we should be like normal friends. Then she'll call me 2 am that she had been planning to come over after a party but couldn't because she wasn't feeling well. So I went no contact for 2 weeks and msg her to go for drinks one night this week. She responded that she is super busy still this week but we can go for coffee? Now I know she's busy but she's still going out this weekend etc... How bad is coffee?
crederer Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Coffee is fine. However, she obviously has issues with commitment and are you okay with that? That's the main question.
Author heart12 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Yes I am okay with it and willing to accept what that comes with. Isn't her saying no to drinks and yes to coffee kind of like "lets be friends." I know she is conflicted between what she says she wants (to be alone) and being with me because she met me and doesn't really want to let me go in case she decides she wants a relationship. I just don't know if going for 'coffee' sends the wrong message on my part. One day she was freaking out that all she wanted was to call me every morning and night and think of me all the time and that scared her and made her want to run and the next day she really did run. Now when we hang out we end up acting relationshipy but then she realizes it and freaks out again and pulls away and says like she doesn't want it. I don't get why she is seeing me at all really.
Author heart12 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Any opinions on her agreeing to coffee over drinks? Has anyone had this before? Coffee on 1st date is one thing but once you've dated for a while (then small break).... it's different.
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I think this woman has no idea what the heck she wants. Until she figures that out you are going to be spinning your wheel & banging your head. If you are OK with this kind of push pull nonsense, have coffee with her. But understand it's not going to get better or clearer until she wants it to. Right now you are not making her chose. My advice tell her You like her but you are not going to sit here while she dithers. Tell her you would like to date her with all that entails: time together, labels, physical intimacy etc. If she wants that, you're all in. If she doesn't want that you will bow gracefully no hard feelings. If she doesn't know what she wants, you're walking away to give her time & space but the ball's in her court & when she's ready she has to come to you but there are no guarentees that you will be free. 1
Author heart12 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 I don't want to move on yet... I would be happy to have fun and go for drinks and let what happens happen. The thing is when she said she was too busy with school etc.. this week for drinks but we could go for coffee, that was like her saying "lets be friends" and not people who hook up right? Coffee isn't really a date? 1
felicity1 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Was dating a girl for 2 months- we did the whole "no label" thing because she has a fear of commitment and warned me of it. She's in her early twenties. /QUOTE] It's only been two months and early twenties is still fairly young to be committed. Perhaps she wants to keep her options open, which means she may not be totally into you and is waiting for someone more her style?? Perhaps she has suffered some kind of childhood emotional trauma which makes her romantic feelings towards you threatening for her?-hence the "fear".
Author heart12 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Was dating a girl for 2 months- we did the whole "no label" thing because she has a fear of commitment and warned me of it. She's in her early twenties. /QUOTE] It's only been two months and early twenties is still fairly young to be committed. Perhaps she wants to keep her options open, which means she may not be totally into you and is waiting for someone more her style?? Perhaps she has suffered some kind of childhood emotional trauma which makes her romantic feelings towards you threatening for her?-hence the "fear". From the beginning she said to me she didn't want to be serious but is afraid we would be come that way and if she did want that it would be with me. Then it progressed and became a relationship until.... She's been bothered before by how much she misses me when I leave in the morning (if she slept over) and all that. She doesn't initiate now (nor do I) but anytime I msg her she answers within seconds.
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 maybe she just wanted a clear head for studying & thought she could use a caffeine jolt
felicity1 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 From the beginning she said to me she didn't want to be serious but is afraid we would be come that way and if she did want that it would be with me. Then it progressed and became a relationship until.... She's been bothered before by how much she misses me when I leave in the morning (if she slept over) and all that. She doesn't initiate now (nor do I) but anytime I msg her she answers within seconds. She could be afraid of rejection. If she really likes you and you are an understanding patient person, you may be able to help her face whatever it is that she's afraid of or help her work out why she is afraid-she may not really know herself(sounds like this).
Author heart12 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Felicity - I think I am the perfect guy to work through it with her (even my ex told me so) but at this point she is making it hard and the whole no drinks but we can do coffee makes it seem like she doesn't want a date but we can go as 'friends' for coffee. I just find coffee at this point to be so friendly as opposed to date like.
Author heart12 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 So you guys aren't concerned that her only willing to go for coffee means she wants to be friends. If that's the case I shouldn't even go for coffee!
fixing Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Tell her your allergic to coffee, and that you need to go to the cinema to watch the latest film and its paramount that she attend with you! 1
felicity1 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Hey Heart12, just meet up with her for the coffee. You like her so it's better to go and keep up the contact than not go at all. It's established she has some kind of relationship anxiety, so you can't push her to do more than what she can cope with. Move at her pace, be gentle. Be careful not to impose on her as this will worsen her anxiety and scare her off. Be tactful and sensitive, as a therapist would be.
Iguanna Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Perhaps she wants to keep her options open, which means she may not be totally into you and is waiting for someone more her style?? Perhaps she has suffered some kind of childhood emotional trauma which makes her romantic feelings towards you threatening for her?-hence the "fear". I love it when people try to justify the reason for sluttiness (I know, not even a word). Sometimes women who sleep with many men just like to sleep with many men. Doesn't have to be a reason for it.
Author heart12 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Hey Heart12, just meet up with her for the coffee. You like her so it's better to go and keep up the contact than not go at all. It's established she has some kind of relationship anxiety, so you can't push her to do more than what she can cope with. Move at her pace, be gentle. Be careful not to impose on her as this will worsen her anxiety and scare her off. Be tactful and sensitive, as a therapist would be. I get that but it's just weird to go from her calling me every night and chasing to all of a sudden no more. Her being freaked that it's a real relationship and saying we should be friends but then when we're together in no way does she act like we're friends.
matt29 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I had exactly the same problem, we'd been talking for about 8 weeks and had been on 4 dates but she kept giving me mixed signals. She told me she liked me but wasn't sure if she was looking for something. I felt like I was being stringed along so I sat her down over a drink and told her straight out, you either show me that your interested and we'll take it to the next step by seeing each other more often, meeting each others friends etc etc and see where it leads or we become friends from this point. I was just honest and said to her if you don't want a relationship then I'll continue to date other woman until I find someone that is on the same page. I told her that I liked her and I hoped it would lead somewhere but I was cool to stay friends if that what she really wanted. Since then it has been great! Looks like she'll be my girlfriend very soon. I've met her friends and family and she's met mine. She was scared to commit but she realises now that even though she wasn't looking she's found someone that she really enjoys being around and things are going really well. Just be honest! 1
Author heart12 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 I'm happy for you! Not exactly the same though. I was seeing her a few times a week- hanging with her friends and mine and met some of her family. She was sleeping over a couple times a week and everything- she was talking future stuff already and all that. Then the freak out hahah
felicity1 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Was dating a girl for 2 months /QUOTE] Like I said before, 2 months is only a short time. Things were obviously moving too fast for her, but she enjoys your company and still wants to keep in touch. You're only focusing on the negative. If you are not happy about this(coffee) , just go NC and see what her reaction is. There's nothing much more that you can do. Standing back and giving the other person space allows them to work out what they really want.
Author heart12 Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Well it's nearing the end of Saturday and haven't heard from her. I don't see why she would say she wanted to go for coffee and was excited to go and then I just don't hear from her. Kind of lame.
Author heart12 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 So I bump into her at a party last night (i was too drunk but oh well). It seemed like her friend was trying to keep her away from me but she came and we talked at the bar. She kept saying she can't have a drink with me it's not right but eventually did. She was laughing a lot and kept saying she can't talk to me so I told her each time no problem, if you don't want to talk then leave. She didn't of course. Eventually she said she had to go and can we be friends? So I said sure and kissed her on the cheek to which she said no you can't do stuff like that it's too hard. Where do I go from here? also I stupidly messaged her after the party that she should be coming over.
ken_25 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Was dating a girl for 2 months- we did the whole "no label" thing because she has a fear of commitment and warned me of it. She's in her early twenties. Once it felt like a real relationship she started running and freaking out. We saw each other day time activity 2 weeks ago and while I pulled back, she kept putting my arm around her. Last thing that happened was we kissed and I said was that bad? She said I don't know maybe... and I said it didn't feel bad to which she responded "I know that's the problem." She goes back and forth between not wanting relationship but then when she's with me it makes her want it. Then it's we should be like normal friends. Then she'll call me 2 am that she had been planning to come over after a party but couldn't because she wasn't feeling well. So I went no contact for 2 weeks and msg her to go for drinks one night this week. She responded that she is super busy still this week but we can go for coffee? Now I know she's busy but she's still going out this weekend etc... How bad is coffee? I'd stop seeing her.
Author heart12 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 So I bump into her at a party last night (i was too drunk but oh well). It seemed like her friend was trying to keep her away from me but she came and we talked at the bar. She kept saying she can't have a drink with me it's not right but eventually did. She was laughing a lot and kept saying she can't talk to me so I told her each time no problem, if you don't want to talk then leave. She didn't of course. Eventually she said she had to go and can we be friends? So I said sure and kissed her on the cheek to which she said no you can't do stuff like that it's too hard. Where do I go from here? Can I message her and ask her "how did you go from where you were to losing interest so fast? also I stupidly messaged her after the party that she should be coming over.
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