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How to to be in a relationship were sexual chemistry is lacking?

andreap

By andreap
in General Relationship Discussion

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andreap Member

andreap

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I connect with my girlfriend in an emotional and intelligent way. However, I have realize that in a sexual way, I not quite there. She is willing to do anything for me, so she is definitely not the problem. However, my sexual fantasies involve other type of women. Not more beautiful, because my girlfriend is beautiful. But a woman that make me think "I want to rip her clothes off and just have sex with her an entire weekend!" I have found out that I am constantly masturbating, thinking of other women ( not women I know) instead of having sex with her. In one year, I have had sex 6 or 7 times (However, she have please me in other ways). I know I sound shallow, an I hate that. I love spendig time with her. Basically, she is my social life. I can even see her as the mother of my children. I love her, but I can help think about having sex with other type of women. Any advice is appreciated!

Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

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Break up with her and find somebody like her with whom you have chemistry.

 

Don't make any promises you can't keep. Can you commit to her forever more, when you cannot meet your core needs with her? How can you ever be fully honest with her? You will have to tell white lies about being attracted to her, and she will know you're lying. It won't work, so free her and yourself to find a better fit.

 

Good luck!

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theothersully Established Member

theothersully

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I've been here before. With my ex wife. Also ridiculously beautiful and the object of tons of other guys' fantasies. However, I wanted just what you are talking about. I felt the exact same way for a time and actually talked to her, very carefully about it. We did the open marriage thing for a couple years to deal with it. My ex was right. I did it, found out it wasn't as great as i was imagining and she felt quite validated.

 

Meaningless sex gets super boring once you have had plenty of it. See if you can explore this together, if she's down. Mine was happy to explore it with me.

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andreap Member

andreap

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I tried to do it yesterday. I touch the subject. She made it pretty easy for me to just leave things as they are. I could not do it. I love her so much. I know what I have is just a crisis, not with her. Problems in other fields that are reflecting in her. The thought of not being with her was killing me! I could not do it.

Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

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A:

Let her find someone who wants her sexually. You are doing her a disservice by keeping her in a relationship where she is not sexually desired. She deserves better. Long term relationships cannot survive with one partner always admiring other women and wanting them physically. Be kind. Let her go now before it gets any more involved and painful.

Grumps

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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The answer is: You can't and shouldn't. Sexual chemistry is a key element in a balanced, lasting relationship.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

Posted
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I tried to do it yesterday. I touch the subject. She made it pretty easy for me to just leave things as they are. I could not do it. I love her so much. I know what I have is just a crisis, not with her. Problems in other fields that are reflecting in her. The thought of not being with her was killing me! I could not do it.

 

So do things TOGETHER that will boost your sexual attraction to her. I read somewhere you said that she doesn't work out much. Then encourage her to work out with you.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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But a woman that make me think "I want to rip her clothes off and just have sex with her an entire weekend!" I have found out that I am constantly masturbating, thinking of other women

 

There is one huge problem with your fantasy woman that you are masturbating to as far as I can see…

 

You are probably envisioning a body-type or personality that could never possibly be realized. Meaning = you want this ideal of "rip her clothes off" etc., but what about this woman AFTER you have done that? When/If you find such a woman, she may not be relationship material whatsoever.

 

It is like people with certain fetishes. They ruin great relationships to chase the fetish only to have the fetish take-over their lives.

 

I would be open and honest with your girlfriend - especially if you find yourself having less sex with her because of these thoughts. It may not work with your current girlfriend, but it will teach you how to be open in a good, trustworthy relationship.

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andreap Member

andreap

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I stop to think about that yesterday. An I came yo your same realization. This fantasies are just that, fantasies. The ideal woman to spend the rest of my life is my girlfriend, I am sure about that.

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theothersully Established Member

theothersully

Posted
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But do address these fantasies, so the problem resolves. You don't want them interfering with your relationship.

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janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

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You better be sure. I am ending an over 20 year marriage with a man who didn't want me. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

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jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

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stop the masturbation for 90 days and see what that does.

 

cut out all porn as well.

 

focus on what you have in your life, what is real, not a fantasy.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
I connect with my girlfriend in an emotional and intelligent way. However, I have realize that in a sexual way, I not quite there. She is willing to do anything for me, so she is definitely not the problem. However, my sexual fantasies involve other type of women. Not more beautiful, because my girlfriend is beautiful. But a woman that make me think "I want to rip her clothes off and just have sex with her an entire weekend!" I have found out that I am constantly masturbating, thinking of other women ( not women I know) instead of having sex with her. In one year, I have had sex 6 or 7 times (However, she have please me in other ways). I know I sound shallow, an I hate that. I love spendig time with her. Basically, she is my social life. I can even see her as the mother of my children. I love her, but I can help think about having sex with other type of women. Any advice is appreciated!

 

Being sexually compatible is not shallow.

 

I wouldn't be with a man long term whom I didn't feel really sexually attracted to as that will lead to frustration and dissatisfaction which will spill over into the relationship anyway.

 

I will say though I would at least try to work on the sex issue if everything else was good, but if that wasn't working, I'd probably have to move on.

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