BeholdtheMan Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Clinginess and self-respect are mutually exclusive. Where you find one, you won't find the other. If you're staying because you caved in to clinginess (fear of being "forever alone"), you have no dignity
Darren Steez Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so! I'm both puzzled and baffled by this blanket statement. Who said that? In what context? A BS that stays and rugsweeps has no self respect. A BS that exposes, who's wife/husband is "remorseful" *I personally hate that word because I don't personally think they are sorry if they didn't come clean and got caught* and does everything he/she can so both of them can work on their relationship has self respect.
MammaMia Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I never lost my self respect: HE DID. Yes, H did by having an affair. Regardless of whether one respects their spouse or not, they must respect themselves first. My self -esteem has been intact as well. Even though I am angry at his poor choices, I am ANGRIER because of whom he picked to have his EA with. He picked a low-life, someone who he had told me before and after the EA, that people had a very low opinion about, and who he, himself had described to me before the EA as a "joke." Momentarily he forgot all this for a few BS compliments. The second EA was with a woman who at least had an education, a good job, but still no morals. In my opinion - and correct me if I am wrong- I do not care how many degrees a person has, or how dignified they present themselves to the world. Once they allow themselves to get involved with a married person - on any level- they lack morals and dignity and there is a character flaw on all levels. The reason I stayed is because 37 years of marriage is too long to throw away for a bimbo or anyone else. He has now signed a boundary agreement and there will be no third strike. Life is too short to wonder where he's going, who he's flirting with, who he's buying gifts for, etc and I told him so.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I've seen both here and on other forums this idea that a BS who stays in their relationship after D-Day has no self-respect. What do you think of this notion? Do you agree or disagree? I'm not sure if this topic has already been brought up, apologies if so! A BS who stays in their marriage by forgiving and allowing the WS a second chance, is a very special person and someone who has a huge heart. It takes love, courage and patience, a true belief in allowing someone back in after so much pain and betrayal. 1
michelangelo Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 A BS who stays in their marriage by forgiving and allowing the WS a second chance, is a very special person and someone who has a huge heart. It takes love, courage and patience, a true belief in allowing someone back in after so much pain and betrayal. And it doesnt always work, a huge gamble. 1
Fluttershy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 And it doesnt always work, a huge gamble. Marriage in itself is a huge gamble. For some reconciliation no more. After all if you were blindsided by one affair with someone you thought you knew and even in hindsight there were no "cheater signs" a second marriage/committed relationship has no guarantee of turning out better. When you commit you take the gamble that your chosen partner will remain faithful to you and continue to love you through the ups and downs. But they could very easily not and as far as that goes, so could you. Giving your heart is always a risk and after infidelity you are just more aware of it (the risk doesn't change) whether it is a new relationship or rebuilding an old one. Of course I am talking about one time offenders and definitely based on the situation. I would think that a person who continues to stay with a cheater who is a serial cheater, back and forth, gaslighter, might want to exam WHY they stay rather than wonder WHY he/she cheats.
ClemsonTigers Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 What I try to teach is that what your spouse does|did or may choose to do at some time with their genitalia has nothing whatsoever to do with your self-respect, self-esteem, femininity, and|or masculinity. It's hard to communicate effectively with persons in the throes of betrayal. Their feelings and behavior are erratic, foolhardily, manipulative and often, counterproductive. I want to help them focus on thinking logically. Slowing down. Getting help and support [exposure}. Making right decisions which uphold their morals, beliefs and self-esteem while also handing them a sword to fight the evil that has infected their family. There's nothing feeble about trying to save your spouse from self-delusion and self-destruction. Even if you fail, you'll be better off for having undertaken the battle. Divorce has unavoidable consequences…knowing one tried - - with rational logical efforts while upholding your owns promises|vows avoids inevitable regret and "what if" bargaining.
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