Realist3 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 What exactly are you waiting for? I would have taken the phone and then let him realize it over Thanksgiving. The gig is up.
oldshirt Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 LongJourney I have a very serious question for you. What more proof do you need????? How much further does this need to go on before you take affirmative action and move on with your life?????? so let's say that you come home and recheck the phone and it does show calls between them. What are you going to do then?? will you get an attorney and begin the divorce process then? Will you seek out more proof of his ongoing A? Will you confront him so that he can fill you for of more lies and more excuses and more cover stories???? How much is enough??? WHAT IF you find the phone and he has NOT called her over the holiday? Will that be the straw that you are grasping at as your excuse to stay and endure more pain, more lies, more excuses? I'm going to put my bet on that you don't even find the phone. I'm betting he has already moved it or will keep it with him. What are you going to do when you can't find it? How much more abuse, pain, lies, deceit, excuses do you feel you have to endure before you take definitive action??? Why do you feel you should be enduring all of this?? What is going to be the final straw here? Just give us a benchmark as to when you are going to take action to move on with your life and take care of yourself. 2
Realist3 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I'm going to put my bet on that you don't even find the phone. I'm betting he has already moved it or will keep it with him. What are you going to do when you can't find it? This is my thought too. The burner phone is the lifeblood of affairs. Once he moves it you will have no way of knowing what is going on. Take the phone with you! 2
JamesM Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 What you don't know if I read correctly is...whose number is this? Did her husband confirm the number? While a second phone IS incriminating, you don't know who he is calling. Fact is...he may not be calling the OW anymore. Two other possibilities....it is a friend who is helping him get through this (less likely but not impossible) or it is another woman altogether. If you don't call the number, then you will never know.
Author longjourney Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 LongJourney I have a very serious question for you. What more proof do you need????? How much further does this need to go on before you take affirmative action and move on with your life?????? so let's say that you come home and recheck the phone and it does show calls between them. What are you going to do then?? will you get an attorney and begin the divorce process then? Will you seek out more proof of his ongoing A? Will you confront him so that he can fill you for of more lies and more excuses and more cover stories???? How much is enough??? WHAT IF you find the phone and he has NOT called her over the holiday? Will that be the straw that you are grasping at as your excuse to stay and endure more pain, more lies, more excuses? I'm going to put my bet on that you don't even find the phone. I'm betting he has already moved it or will keep it with him. What are you going to do when you can't find it? How much more abuse, pain, lies, deceit, excuses do you feel you have to endure before you take definitive action??? Why do you feel you should be enduring all of this?? What is going to be the final straw here? Just give us a benchmark as to when you are going to take action to move on with your life and take care of yourself. Hi, I am not in denial of my WH's ongoing A. My gut was screaming that he had taken it underground because in my heart I KNEW how he had felt for the OW for years, I did not just fall off the turnip truck, I KNOW those feelings don't just go away. I do not believe my WH was in an affair fog as is a common term here. I believe he has loved the OW for a LONG LONG time. Yes this was a slap in the face. I asked in directly point blank after DDay when he finally told me he wanted to try and save our M if he had a second phone. He said no, HE SWORE he would maintain NC. To me the phone tells me NC NEVER even began. What am I planning? I am planning on separating my heart from him at the moment. I am sorry I am not such a strong person. I have only been dealing with this for a few months and now a second DDay to confirm what I knew. I am building a wall to protect myself and my children. I did not take the phone because I do not need further proof. I did however take a picture of the call history on his phone. I want to see what lies he will spin next. Is he trying to con me until after Christmas? I don't know, but I know I will not ruin the holidays for my kids. I am not as weak as you all think, I am just in a major state of getting a slap of reality. My WH does not love me. He says he does and I am sure if I gave him a chance he would stay and SWEAR again off the OW, but I know him. He will stick by me for our family and "love" me in a second rate way, without being true to himself. I know I wouldn't be here if we didn't have kids, and I KNOW the same about him. That is just another cold hard to swallow fact.
oldshirt Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 This is my thought too. The burner phone is the lifeblood of affairs. Once he moves it you will have no way of knowing what is going on. Take the phone with you! Yeah, I mean what more do you really have to lose? Are you really going to consider taking him back regardless of what happens. Go ahead take the phone. Leave the phone. Frame it and hang it above the fireplace, hell I don't care. It doesn't really matter. If you take the phone it will force the hands of both of them. He will come to you asking for it and he'll have an excuse and a cover story so it can be some cheap entertainment for you to try to predict what he will say and then sit back and watch his song and dance. At some point she'll wonder why she hasn't heard from him and she'll call. you can answer and listen to her squirm too. Bottom line is the fact that the phone exists AT ALL is all that matters and should be the final nail in this long dead and should've-been- buried coffin. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Strength comes from doing....even when it is difficult. That is what makes people stronger. They don't feel any less pain than you. They don't feel any less stupid. Not any less vulnerable to depression. They do it because they must. You must also. Take the reins of your life back. Let your children have a life free of infidelity. You choose when the marriage is over...do not wait until one day out of the blue your husband decides he wants his OW full time..and you and the kids are left without a word or a second thought. With that one act of handing that azzhat his second phone and luggage...you become stronger. Is it hard...yes. Will you still cry...yes. However, there is a lightness that comes with doing the right thing for yourself. You can hold onto that. That you self advocated, and stood up for yourself. Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her 1
rumbleseat Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 If you're too frightened to do it all at once, begin taking even small steps towards ending things. I would highly suggest that your first step would be to arrange a consultation with a lawyer. Find out how the divorce process works and also what you need to do to make it as simple and straightforward for yourself as possible. From everything you say, it sounds as if your husband really does want to be married to you, but only on his terms ( he can have an outside relationship that you don't know about). You did not agree to that, and you have given him plenty of chances to make his decision. He has,now you need to make yours. Don't let fear keep you in such a bad place. Take small steps towards separating from him, and the more you do and the more knowledge you gain , the more your self confidence will grow and the less afraid you'll be.
oldshirt Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Strength comes from doing....even when it is difficult. That is what makes people stronger. They don't feel any less pain than you. They don't feel any less stupid. Not any less vulnerable to depression. They do it because they must. If that saying is not already on one of those inspirational wall pictures with the eagle and the waterfall and such, it should be.
JamesM Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Okay....back up. Did I miss the point where we know whose number this is? While it may seem obvious, it isn't always. And while it seems stupid to even check, what if the phone is not used to call this OW? If he says that he has been using it to confide in a friend, then how do you respond as you don't know whose number it is? If he can honestly say that it isn't the OW, then what will you say? If he has found a new OW, then wouldn't you want to know that he is a serial cheater versus a one time cheater? Like I said, there are other reasons for this phone. And he will be letting you know what they are. If you have called this number, then you will know for certain whose it is. Right now, your emotions are overwhelming you and rightly so. As they say, never assume.
Realist3 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Other reasons for a second phone hidden in a shoe in the closet? Hmmm...
JamesM Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Other reasons for a second phone hidden in a shoe in the closet? Hmmm... Call a friend who provides guidance while struggling through a bad marriage or while trying to end an affair. Call prostitutes for sex. Call the Other Woman. Call another Other Woman. Call a Sex Line. How long do we make this list? Point is....unless it is known who he calls, he can say what he wants when confronted. The more evidence gathered, the better the case. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 During R, a marriage damaged from an affair...a hidden phone in a shoe in a closet to contact a trusted person to confide in..behind your partners back? I ain't buying it. And if that is how the other party wants to rebuild..then they can go rebuild on their own. I would have ZERO interest in them expecting me to play detective, warden, parole officer for the rest of my life....heck..even for a day would be too much. Adios. 1
Realist3 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Call a friend who provides guidance while struggling through a bad marriage or while trying to end an affair. Call prostitutes for sex. Call the Other Woman. Call another Other Woman. Call a Sex Line. How long do we make this list? Point is....unless it is known who he calls, he can say what he wants when confronted. The more evidence gathered, the better the case. I get what you are saying/ He will have all sorts of excuses she may not have an answer for, but let's cut to the chase. He has been having an affair and has a second phone he directly lied about. While I agree with you that she should have called or at least texted the number, there really isn't any doubt what this phone was used for.
Snowflower Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Hi, I am not in denial of my WH's ongoing A. My gut was screaming that he had taken it underground because in my heart I KNEW how he had felt for the OW for years, I did not just fall off the turnip truck, I KNOW those feelings don't just go away. I do not believe my WH was in an affair fog as is a common term here. I believe he has loved the OW for a LONG LONG time. Yes this was a slap in the face. I asked in directly point blank after DDay when he finally told me he wanted to try and save our M if he had a second phone. He said no, HE SWORE he would maintain NC. To me the phone tells me NC NEVER even began. What am I planning? I am planning on separating my heart from him at the moment. I am sorry I am not such a strong person. I have only been dealing with this for a few months and now a second DDay to confirm what I knew. I am building a wall to protect myself and my children. I did not take the phone because I do not need further proof. I did however take a picture of the call history on his phone. I want to see what lies he will spin next. Is he trying to con me until after Christmas? I don't know, but I know I will not ruin the holidays for my kids. I am not as weak as you all think, I am just in a major state of getting a slap of reality. My WH does not love me. He says he does and I am sure if I gave him a chance he would stay and SWEAR again off the OW, but I know him. He will stick by me for our family and "love" me in a second rate way, without being true to himself. I know I wouldn't be here if we didn't have kids, and I KNOW the same about him. That is just another cold hard to swallow fact. Please don't feel you have to defend your choices to anonymous posters here. It's real easy to tell someone to just get divorced already. They aren't the ones who will have to go through it. (((Hugs))) hang in there and try to ejoy the holiday with your family. They love you and will help you through this. 5
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 LJ, you are doing quite well for the situation, do let folks get you down. It is tough to give up on a relationship, but you have to respect yourself, even if he does not. If you had been weak, you would have taken him back for the sake of the holidays. Make sure that you plan lots of fun events for you and the children over the holidays. Also make a plan for separation, this will put you ahead of the game and don't let him gaslight you. Hope that you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving.
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