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So tired of breadcrumbs

starryeyedsurprise

By starryeyedsurprise
in The Other Man / Woman

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Beachgirl91 Member

Beachgirl91

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Starry, you sound like you know how emotionally damaging this relationship is for you. If you need to force him to end it do it. I couldn't end mine. I tried so many times and always went back. I forced him to end it by being exceptionally cruel to him one night. I knew what I was doing, purposefully making him end it with me. I don't know why it's different than all the times I tried to end it but it is. I know 100 percent it's over. If you forcing him to end it gets you off the roller coaster then I think you need to do it. Sending you lots of support ...

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sunburned Established Member

sunburned

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I feel so stupid, hurt, lost, confused. After several days of no contact, we spoke this morning, actually more yelled at each other. He finally admitted that he was on and off with his "ex-finance" while he was with me, that they have a love/hate relationship. I knew this all along, but he finally confirmed it this morning. After all the times he said I was the only one, that he is 100% not with her, I come to found out he was and still is. They were together this weekend, and even had the police involved because they got into a physical fight with each other.

I am stuck here processing all this information, and it's so hard because I am in love with this person. He also said that he can't give me what I need, and that I deserve to be happy. His whole life is one big mess.

I yelled back and said is it fair that he begged and pleaded and cried to me to stay for the first 6 months, only to find out that after every time I told him to end with her, he would go right back to her. I told him if he actually cared, he would move mountains to be with me, and not her? So basically he has lied to me for all this time, and yet, why can't I let go? He won't let go of me either, and I am basically forcing him to end it.....it's sad because I know I should end it, but I just can't. I love him too much.

If I was an outsider, or a friend watching this, I would scream RUN to the other person, easier said than done when it's your own life or emotions.

starryeyed, it sounds like he wants you to end it as much as he wants you to end it. Please initiate no contact NOW. You will feel better down the road if you keep some self respect, some "power." One of my biggest regrets was ending it, then getting drawn back in emotionally after some LC then enduring the push-pull (mostly push). I went NC again (3+ mos now) but it was more self-defense than having the upper hand. Look at your friend in the mirror, scream RUN and do it.

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sunburned Established Member

sunburned

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"Proofread, newbie!" she scolded herself.

 

 

Of course I meant to say ...

 

 

"it sounds like he wants you to end it as much as you want him to end it."

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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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That's just it, I don't want to end it, and he won't end it either. We both know it's best to just walk away, before anyone else gets hurt. The fact is how do I turn my back on someone who says that everyone in his life has turned his back on him. I almost want to prove to myself that I won't do that to him, but his actions and words want me to turn my back on him....does that make sense??

threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

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That's just it, I don't want to end it, and he won't end it either. We both know it's best to just walk away, before anyone else gets hurt. The fact is how do I turn my back on someone who says that everyone in his life has turned his back on him. I almost want to prove to myself that I won't do that to him, but his actions and words want me to turn my back on him....does that make sense??

 

Everyone else has turned their back on him for a reason. While he has the potential to become a good person, his actions say he is not one right now. Most of the other relationships in his life have probably been as dysfunctional and toxic as yours has been with him.

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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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Yes, every relationship in his life is dysfuntion. His mom a heroin addict, father aloholic, he grew up on the streets. Didn't go to high school, has lived in countless homes and friends couches. He has a son, but only got the mother accidentally pregnant and forced into a relationship that didn't last. Than this relationship he has with the "ex-fiance", he tried to make that work, but than started a relationship with me after only being with her for 6 months.

Yes, he is full of baggage, which makes it so difficult to walk away. He is not in his right mind.

imfine Established Member

imfine

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You are not his parent. They should have done right by him. You on the other hand HAVE done right by him and how did HE repay you? By lying to you. He turned his back on you and ran right to his fiance/exfiance/whateversheis all while telling you he is committed to you. You have nothing to prove to yourself or him. You gave him too many chances already. Now that you know what he's made of, believe him. Take care of you & let him go.

Beachgirl91 Member

Beachgirl91

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Yes, every relationship in his life is dysfuntion. His mom a heroin addict, father aloholic, he grew up on the streets. Didn't go to high school, has lived in countless homes and friends couches. He has a son, but only got the mother accidentally pregnant and forced into a relationship that didn't last. Than this relationship he has with the "ex-fiance", he tried to make that work, but than started a relationship with me after only being with her for 6 months.

Yes, he is full of baggage, which makes it so difficult to walk away. He is not in his right mind.

 

More similarities with our men. Mine had a totally dysfunctional upbringing. One parent taken to prison when he was 10, the other parent dying shortly thereafter and on and on. He always told me the same thing "everyone I've ever loved has left me". Part of the reason I kept going back was because I felt like I'd abandonded him. I was afraid he may snap and do something harmful to himself. After countless times of me leaving I realized he would be fine without me. It's hard. I know. The abandonment fear can become something he can use to hang over you if you let it.

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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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Ok, I am going to need as much help as possible to make NC work this time. He called me tonight, told me that he needs to fix his life and only be concerned with that. He does not want a relationship with anyone, including his friends and family and just wants to be alone.

 

I tried, I really did in the past, but this time I have to let go. Before this kills me I have to let go. He is done with me, done with our relationship and done with everything in his life. I got my answer from him finally, and it's not what I wanted to hear, but I needed to. I need strength to move on, as much as I love him to pieces, he does not want me anymore.

bconnor Member

bconnor

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I have to say Hope is humanity's source of greatest strength and weakness at the same time. I've been NC with the OW for 2 weeks only and there are still times when I make stories in my head about how our lives are going to be intertwined together and that we are meant to be.

 

He could be done with everything in his life but that's his perogative. It's time for you to live your life - the way you want it to be. I know, how much negativity weighs on a person's mind and soul - I'm going through that now. But letting go doesn't mean that you are going to stop loving that person or wishing the best for them. That's how you help him now - let go - save him but more importantly save yourself.

 

Bless you

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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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Hello everyone, today is a new day. My conversation last night with my ex went as expected, it was a ridiculous closure conversation, which he tried to blame me for everything. He actually said we used to be best friends, until I started to question everything. He is a piece of work. After the conversation, my eyes opened wide! He confessed that he was on and off with his "ex-fiance" when he was with me. After I heard that, my heart caught up with my gut and head, he cheated on me. I knew it from the beginning, however he would deny, deny, deny. He would make up stories, or do crazy gestures like show up at my church.

What I realized is that people don't change. He told me about his past, but also told me how he used other women before to buy him things, pay his cars, bikes, rent, etc.....and here I thought I was the exception and of course he wasnt using me because he is opening up about his past.

I was in a fog, I denied reality, I really wanted to believe he was not an evil person. The fact that he blamed me for going back to his ex? Seriously, I told him he should have proved to me that they are not together, but instead ran to her each fight we would get into about her!!! Does this make sense? He was literally driving me crazy with his lies.

NC from here on out, he said he would call in a few days, but I will no longer play his games. I am done done done.

 

Wish me luch everyone, today I am strong, tomorrow might be tears. We all deserve better than this, we all deserve 100%. I can't believe it took me 9 months to realize that he is mentally F'd in the head.

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skywriter Established Member

skywriter

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Hello everyone, today is a new day. My conversation last night with my ex went as expected, it was a ridiculous closure conversation, which he tried to blame me for everything. He actually said we used to be best friends, until I started to question everything. He is a piece of work. After the conversation, my eyes opened wide! He confessed that he was on and off with his "ex-fiance" when he was with me. After I heard that, my heart caught up with my gut and head, he cheated on me. I knew it from the beginning, however he would deny, deny, deny. He would make up stories, or do crazy gestures like show up at my church.

What I realized is that people don't change. He told me about his past, but also told me how he used other women before to buy him things, pay his cars, bikes, rent, etc.....and here I thought I was the exception and of course he wasnt using me because he is opening up about his past.

I was in a fog, I denied reality, I really wanted to believe he was not an evil person. The fact that he blamed me for going back to his ex? Seriously, I told him he should have proved to me that they are not together, but instead ran to her each fight we would get into about her!!! Does this make sense? He was literally driving me crazy with his lies.

NC from here on out, he said he would call in a few days, but I will no longer play his games. I am done done done.

 

Wish me luch everyone, today I am strong, tomorrow might be tears. We all deserve better than this, we all deserve 100%. I can't believe it took me 9 months to realize that he is mentally F'd in the head.

 

 

Yay!!! You're gonna get this man behind you Starry! If tomorrow brings tears, just consider it as your body purging out all the negativity that has been within you because of this bad relationship.

 

Get it out, it took me about ten months I think to get over not texting or talking to the MM that I had a nearly 6 year A. I remember thinking to myself if I make it to the 6 year mark, then I've failed myself.

 

A year later, I allowed a single, available man into my life and it's like life is the way it should be, ....better.

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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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My head is spinning today, and I need to just STOP!

The funny thing is that I get hit on or flirted with constantly. I am a 37 year old single mom, and I look 25. Great personality, have my life together, expect the relationship department. What did my ex bring to the table? nothing but chaos, lies and more lies. I never thought people like this existed, the cake eaters, ones who will tell you what you want to hear and never follow through. Ones who tell you they are your soulmate, other half, best friend, love of his life. the most amazing earthshaking sex he ever had...... I fell for all the BS knowing he was still with her, my gut screamed constantly!

and my text just went off, a new guy I met over the weekend wants to take me on a date. UGGGGGGHHHH - I should just do it and put myself out there already.

blue963 Established Member

blue963

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Yes go....you need that for yourself to prove that he isn't what you need.

skywriter Established Member

skywriter

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My head is spinning today, and I need to just STOP!

The funny thing is that I get hit on or flirted with constantly. I am a 37 year old single mom, and I look 25. Great personality, have my life together, expect the relationship department. What did my ex bring to the table? nothing but chaos, lies and more lies. I never thought people like this existed, the cake eaters, ones who will tell you what you want to hear and never follow through. Ones who tell you they are your soulmate, other half, best friend, love of his life. the most amazing earthshaking sex he ever had...... I fell for all the BS knowing he was still with her, my gut screamed constantly!

and my text just went off, a new guy I met over the weekend wants to take me on a date. UGGGGGGHHHH - I should just do it and put myself out there already.

 

 

Wow, that's interesting Starry. Same for me, I was a 37 year old single mother, in great shape physically,when I initally got involved with the exMM.

 

I hope you'll give yourself the opportunity to move on, lessons learned. What have you got to lose?

Edited by skywriter
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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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I get it now why everything turned into such a mess. It was our dynamic...meaning it was an office affair (we used to work together until he got fired) and I was different than the other woman. Different meaning I had my life together, great pay career, own car, own home, great friends. I had no chaos, my life was easy peasy.....He was never used to this, he struggled his whole life. His "ex-fiance" has way more struggles than him, and they actually have tons in common, meaning she has more of a chaotic life than he. I came along, and made him feel warm and loved, which in turn changed him because he felt something he never had before = normal relationship. From the day I met him, he changed, he tried to better himself and become someone who he is not. I didn't encourage or force this, but he felt he needed to be up to my standards. He admitted this to me towards the end, so I basically fell for a lie. Long story short, the man I fell for is not real. It was who he wants to be, and not who he truely is. It was a mask, fake, he tried, but failed.

I don't want to walk away with any anger or harsh feelings. I just want to walk away and have no future contact with this person. Yes, I love him. Yes he is toxic and bad news.

I have a date tonight with the new guy, I am getting nervous, but I am ready to put myself out there. I am looking for a friendship for now only ;-)

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skywriter Established Member

skywriter

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I have a date tonight with the new guy, I am getting nervous, but I am ready to put myself out there. I am looking for a friendship for now only ;-)

 

I am so happy for you! This is how my boyfriend and I started out, friends only, no pressure on either side.

 

Have fun!

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starryeyedsurprise Established Member

starryeyedsurprise

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So I had my date on Wendesday, and it was ok. I was momentarily entertained, but will not be going out with him again. He was very persistant and immediately wanted to book the 2nd date. Red flags all over, and maybe I am just being overly picky, but I know what I am looking for.

 

This was a huge step for me, to put myself out there again. I have faith and know that someone deserving of me will be put in front of me someday. If it takes a day, months, years or decades. I have decided to walk away from my affair and each day gets better.

 

Amazing how I completely lost who I was with this man. I deserve 100%, not just breadcrumbs. I deserve happiness and love. I will never ever get involved with an unavailable man. It's so not worth it ;-)

 

Stay true to you!

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