So tired of breadcrumbs

November 26, 2013

I haven't been on here in a while, still trying to sort out my life and feelings of being the OW. Still to this day, he denies that I was the OW, living with his ex-fiance who knew nothing about me, she still thinks they are together, yet moved out of their apartment 4 months ago.

I am so tired of the breadcrumbs. I go from such highs to such lows. Anxiety kicks in at times, like today. I am such a nervous wreck and want to feel me again. I hate what I have done to myself, allowing this man to lie and manipulate and throw me breadcrumbs. In the beginning, he came on so strong, almost too strong. Begging, pleading, crying, calling, texting not to leave him...then all of a sudden it stopped. I told him from the beginning to tell her, move out, fix things and then we can continue with the relationship.

He would always tell me he would be devastated if he lost me, that I am to amazing, blah blah blah.....Then he lost his job, apartment, car, etc. He became to busy for me while fixing his life.

He will still say he loves me, misses me, and even last week told me he would walk on glass for me....actions speak louder than words. I don't see him often, he barely calls or texts anymore. I ask him if we are done and he says no and that he has too much going on his life and he needs to fix it.

I understand that, and yet I don't want to wait around for someone who may or may not want this relationship anymore. Now I feel like I am chasing him, and it drives me nuts. He chased me for 6 months, than bam stopped....now I do it. Everyday I play the NC game, I tell myself to cut him out 100%, but then my sympathetic part kicks in, knowing he his going thru hell, and just be patient.

Maybe I was the exit girl, maybe his feelings are true, maybe he is a sociopath narc, maybe he is a good guy, maybe he is a manipulator....I will never know because he will never give me a straight answer, only breadcrumbs.

Edited November 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 26, 2013

Stop trying to figure him out. Stop being sympathetic to him. What about you? YOU ARE GOING THROUGH HELL. You have the ability to fix it. You have full control to stop the crazy making, the mind effery, the guilt, the uncertainty, the push, the pull. Quit giving him so much power. Please, for you, start taking care of your best interest, and it's not him.

November 26, 2013

I know, so much easier said than done. God knows I have been looking for that off button for months now.

I just remebered him telling me that he "was" madly in love with me....was. he said that a few weeks ago to me while we were out for drinks.

I have to find some strenght, and go NC, I know this. I feel so weak.

November 26, 2013

Find that anger, your self pride and ego. He knows he can selfishly manipulate you, and he loves it. He has power over you! GET MAD, GET PISSED OFF and stop giving him control.

The guy is treating you like crap, you're getting bread crumbs on his time frame and on his terms, yet you still keep him in your life. HE IS NOT WORTH IT and he's not worthy of you. Really, give this some thought. Take a giant step back and detach from him.

If he disappeared out of your life and you never heard from him ever again, you'd be better off in the long run. Painful yes, and you'd grieve the loss but you'd have "you" back as well as full control.

What is it that you'd actually "miss" out on if you did go total NC?

November 26, 2013

Should I say something to him before I go completely NC? I have done it in the past, sending goodbye text's or emails, only to go back a week or two later.

Trust me when I say I want to go off on him, but should I?

November 26, 2013

Maybe I was the exit girl, maybe his feelings are true, maybe he is a sociopath narc, maybe he is a good guy, maybe he is a manipulator....

I feel like this exactly. Always wondering. But this is crazy making, we're not getting any answers. Thats why I'm trying to focus on myself now. I loved the first reply to this post: focus on yourself. I'm trying to do that but I've just only started and dont know what to do exactly, but I know I want to make MYSELF, and not him, the center of my world again.

I've limited the number of times I log on facebook (and try not to check his profile everyday), I've started doing different things, even if apparently unimportant, like taking a walk in my neighbourhood when I get home from work, taking a hot bath while listening to smooth fm, reading again (even if sometimes I lack concentration to do so). Anything that will help me keep me sane really, down this very very hard and painful path.

I've also listed some of the things I want to achieve. I wrote some general words on a notebook, like peace, self-control, self-love, focus, lightness, letting go, acceptance, self-knowledge, re-discovery (of myself and the world around me), letting go of guilt, calm, discipline, perseverance.

I've only just started so I cant say I've been successful yet. But at least I'm trying. Not only are this situations completely unhealthy, I must also work on myself, because I also have issues, that I had prior to this relationship, but are more triggered by the circumstances.

Maybe this will help you too. What is keeping me from staying calm is the wondering. Why did he do this and that. Is he a good person or not? Am I being paranoid or not? You get to a point where you don't know anything anymore. And that's where you need to take a step back and that's what I'm trying to do. For myself and my mental sanity mostly. We all deserve peace.

(not easy though. we will sometimes fail)

Any other insight on this would be great. Sorry OP, don't mean to steal your post. But I think this could help us a lot: ideas on how to leave this thoughts a little bit behing and bring OURSELVES to the command. Wow

Edited November 26, 2013 by C00kie

November 26, 2013

If you are tired of Breadcrumbs then just let him go! He's not the only man in this world.

November 26, 2013

LOL, you didn't steal my post at all. In fact, all the things you listed are true. I know to get busy and focus on me, but easier said than done. I am sitting in my own pit of sadness, and I have to get out. I try to take a bath, start to get anxiety and jump out after 5 minutes. I try to read, lasts 5 minutes and I close the book.

He has been sending me mixed signals for such a long time now, even today he said that he is not contacting me as much because he has too much drama going on and doesn't want to involve me. How do I not take that personally? Don't people with "normal" relationships work on things together? ARRGGGHHH

November 27, 2013

Some men use pretty words like weapons, purely to get what they want. They know some women eat that stuff up...in your case he is now telling you he is over this by saying he "was" crazy about you. Conflict avoidant cowards do this type of thing rather than sitting you down and telling you it's over. He wants you to end it so that he doesn't have to worry that you will tell his wife.

November 27, 2013

No goodbyes. No explaining. No "reasons." He knows, but he doesn't care. Move on for you to feel better, not so that he sees you are "serious this time." It is only then that I found peace from the crazies. You can't save him or his thinking or the R, so save yourself. It was the most painful lesson I had to learn.

November 27, 2013

Should I say something to him before I go completely NC? I have done it in the past, sending goodbye text's or emails, only to go back a week or two later.

Trust me when I say I want to go off on him, but should I?

No. Use that anger to propel you into totally letting go.

Silence says so much more than words. Besides, it's all been said before, so no point in texting or emailing. He doesn't care enough period. And that IS how you have to look at it. The A is over, you want to move on. SO, do it! Make yourself just do it and hold "you" accountable for sticking to your own word. If you cave in 2 weeks, you're only letting yourself down and giving him total power and control over you.

November 27, 2013

I haven't been on here in a while, still trying to sort out my life and feelings of being the OW. Still to this day, he denies that I was the OW, living with his ex-fiance who knew nothing about me, she still thinks they are together, yet moved out of their apartment 4 months ago.

I am so tired of the breadcrumbs. I go from such highs to such lows. Anxiety kicks in at times, like today. I am such a nervous wreck and want to feel me again. I hate what I have done to myself, allowing this man to lie and manipulate and throw me breadcrumbs. In the beginning, he came on so strong, almost too strong. Begging, pleading, crying, calling, texting not to leave him...then all of a sudden it stopped. I told him from the beginning to tell her, move out, fix things and then we can continue with the relationship.

He would always tell me he would be devastated if he lost me, that I am to amazing, blah blah blah.....Then he lost his job, apartment, car, etc. He became to busy for me while fixing his life.
He will still say he loves me, misses me, and even last week told me he would walk on glass for me....actions speak louder than words. I don't see him often, he barely calls or texts anymore. I ask him if we are done and he says no and that he has too much going on his life and he needs to fix it.

I understand that, and yet I don't want to wait around for someone who may or may not want this relationship anymore. Now I feel like I am chasing him, and it drives me nuts. He chased me for 6 months, than bam stopped....now I do it. Everyday I play the NC game, I tell myself to cut him out 100%, but then my sympathetic part kicks in, knowing he his going thru hell, and just be patient.

Maybe I was the exit girl, maybe his feelings are true, maybe he is a sociopath narc, maybe he is a good guy, maybe he is a manipulator....I will never know because he will never give me a straight answer, only breadcrumbs.

He is not, and perhaps can not, give you what you want right now. The continued contact serves only to remind you of that. Perhaps, instead of outright killing it, tell him that his need to focus on his "drama" is preventing him from being available to you in the way you want, and that when his life is back on track his can look you up and if you're available and interested, you can discuss resuming / renewing / replacing the R together, but right now it's not working.

November 27, 2013

Thank you all for your input, I need to stop this, because it hurts more than feels good. My mind spins about him 24/7, and I just want it to STOP already. He is a good person, but right now he can't give me what I need. He is way to busy fixing his life and the mess he created. It's hard for me to understand that, I can't put myself in his shoes because I don't have any drama or chaos (besides him) in my life.

I have to step back, completely back off and just let it go.

I did get into an arguement with him last night, where I told him he is taking the coward approach to this, instead of just being a man and telling me the truth. Right or wrong, its how I felt at the time and I had to get it off my chest. I am too much of a fixer, and he knows that, he knew it since day 1. He told me that for now he needs to fix his life his way and thats the only thing he is focussing on.

It sucks and it hurts, holidays are here. I need to learn to focus on me, but your heart knows what it wants.

November 28, 2013

I haven't been on here in a while, still trying to sort out my life and feelings of being the OW. Still to this day, he denies that I was the OW, living with his ex-fiance who knew nothing about me, she still thinks they are together, yet moved out of their apartment 4 months ago.

I am so tired of the breadcrumbs. I go from such highs to such lows. Anxiety kicks in at times, like today. I am such a nervous wreck and want to feel me again. I hate what I have done to myself, allowing this man to lie and manipulate and throw me breadcrumbs. In the beginning, he came on so strong, almost too strong. Begging, pleading, crying, calling, texting not to leave him...then all of a sudden it stopped. I told him from the beginning to tell her, move out, fix things and then we can continue with the relationship.

He would always tell me he would be devastated if he lost me, that I am to amazing, blah blah blah.....Then he lost his job, apartment, car, etc. He became to busy for me while fixing his life.
He will still say he loves me, misses me, and even last week told me he would walk on glass for me....actions speak louder than words. I don't see him often, he barely calls or texts anymore. I ask him if we are done and he says no and that he has too much going on his life and he needs to fix it.

I understand that, and yet I don't want to wait around for someone who may or may not want this relationship anymore. Now I feel like I am chasing him, and it drives me nuts. He chased me for 6 months, than bam stopped....now I do it. Everyday I play the NC game, I tell myself to cut him out 100%, but then my sympathetic part kicks in, knowing he his going thru hell, and just be patient.

Maybe I was the exit girl, maybe his feelings are true, maybe he is a sociopath narc, maybe he is a good guy, maybe he is a manipulator....I will never know because he will never give me a straight answer, only breadcrumbs.

Sorry to say this but you maybe doing more harm than good. You maybe actually hurting him by giving him breadcrumbs and not letting him recover. I have to work in the same building with my ex AP and I was giving her breadcrumbs before I went into 100% NC. It was an attempt to ease her pain so my NC wouldn't be too big of a shock to her system. Instead she became visibly distress when I was close by and since then I gave her as much space as possible.

November 29, 2013

Sorry to say this but you maybe doing more harm than good. You maybe actually hurting him by giving him breadcrumbs and not letting him recover. I have to work in the same building with my ex AP and I was giving her breadcrumbs before I went into 100% NC. It was an attempt to ease her pain so my NC wouldn't be too big of a shock to her system. Instead she became visibly distress when I was close by and since then I gave her as much space as possible.

Hi Wambo....I do not understand what you are trying to say here. You think I am hurting him by giving him breadcrumbs? Not sure how to go about this....yes, I have tried to end our R numerous times, but only because of his living situation. Once he got fired, lost his home, car, etc he became distant and pushing me away. Not to mention, a few months back he and his "ex-fiance" attended a wedding together where they were making out and hugging the whole time.

I know I was the OW, and he will deny that, even saying he would put it on his tombstone that he was not with her at the same time. I have been patient, caring, helping with $$, typing his resume, paying for things, listening, being a friend. you name it, and I did it. It's a lose lose situation for me because he will never just come out and say what he means or how he feels. For the first 6 months he did, and now I can't even see him, talk to him on the phone, etc.

So for me to be giving him breadcrumbs is impossible, unless I am reading your post wrong.

November 29, 2013

Sorry to say this but you maybe doing more harm than good. You maybe actually hurting him by giving him breadcrumbs and not letting him recover. I have to work in the same building with my ex AP and I was giving her breadcrumbs before I went into 100% NC. It was an attempt to ease her pain so my NC wouldn't be too big of a shock to her system. Instead she became visibly distress when I was close by and since then I gave her as much space as possible.

I have to disagree with this completely. She isn't hurting him at all. He disappeared from her life, giving HER breadcrumbs, cutting her out his life, not the other way around. It's obvious by his actions that he isn't in love or wanting anything anymore.

Hi Wambo....I do not understand what you are trying to say here. You think I am hurting him by giving him breadcrumbs? Not sure how to go about this....yes, I have tried to end our R numerous times, but only because of his living situation. Once he got fired, lost his home, car, etc he became distant and pushing me away. Not to mention, a few months back he and his "ex-fiance" attended a wedding together where they were making out and hugging the whole time.

I think (hope) she misread your posts because nowhere do I see you giving him breadcrumbs. It's the other way around.

You know what's what. He's still living life with his wife, so whatever it is there, is not over, far from it.

I know I was the OW, and he will deny that, even saying he would put it on his tombstone that he was not with her at the same time. I have been patient, caring, helping with $$, typing his resume, paying for things, listening, being a friend. you name it, and I did it. It's a lose lose situation for me because he will never just come out and say what he means or how he feels. For the first 6 months he did, and now I can't even see him, talk to him on the phone, etc.

You deserve better! He took advantage of your kindness and loving heart.

Now his asshol.ish behaviour is disgusting! It's time to get fed up and mad, let go so you can finally grieve and let your healing process happen.

I did get into an arguement with him last night, where I told him he is taking the coward approach to this, instead of just being a man and telling me the truth. Right or wrong, its how I felt at the time and I had to get it off my chest. I am too much of a fixer, and he knows that, he knew it since day 1. He told me that for now he needs to fix his life his way and thats the only thing he is focussing on.

Well, his actions have met his words there, he told you he needs to fix his life and he is. And he's cut you out, for his own sake because it's easier on him. Painful for you I know, but really try to accept that it's over and get busy with your true friends and those who care about you genuinally!

It sucks and it hurts, holidays are here. I need to learn to focus on me, but your heart knows what it wants.

Let your heart cry and hurt but in your mind, try to be strong. Be realistic and objective, tough on yourself as to not give yourself hope for 'one day we'll back together'. Don't go there.

Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

November 29, 2013

Breadcrumbs today - got a text from him earlier today asking if I am working today. I am officially on day 2 of NC. The last message I sent 2 days ago stated that since he is to unsure about me, that I deserve better, we need to separate. He did not reply 2 days ago, and sent me a text today asking if I am working. No reply to my text 2 days ago, no nothing....BREADCRUMBS.

I am sitting on my hands and I am not going to reply. I have to do it this time. No more breadcrumbs, I do deserve better than this, and I am not asking for much at all. In fact I lowered my standards and boundaries when this man came into my life.

I have decided to tear apart my house today, and paint 2 rooms. This should keep me busy from looking at my phone every minute. Wish me luck ;-)

November 29, 2013

Breadcrumbs today - got a text from him earlier today asking if I am working today. I am officially on day 2 of NC. The last message I sent 2 days ago stated that since he is to unsure about me, that I deserve better, we need to separate. He did not reply 2 days ago, and sent me a text today asking if I am working. No reply to my text 2 days ago, no nothing....BREADCRUMBS.

I am sitting on my hands and I am not going to reply. I have to do it this time. No more breadcrumbs, I do deserve better than this, and I am not asking for much at all. In fact I lowered my standards and boundaries when this man came into my life.

I have decided to tear apart my house today, and paint 2 rooms. This should keep me busy from looking at my phone every minute. Wish me luck ;-)

write here what you want to say to him. pretend we're all him! Get it out, vent it out of your system instead of replying to him.

You do deserve better. He's a real d*ckwad and not worthy of your time or effort, let alone any tears.

November 30, 2013

I want to say so many things, LOL.....but I might save that for another day.

November 30, 2013

Your story sounds exactly like mine. Exactly. I've known for a long time this relationship has been damaging for me. I break it off but always go back.

Last week I decided I was done for good and was ready to get my life back. I texted him (because you know how difficult arranging calls is) the angriest string of texts I've ever sent. I spelled out exactly what I was feeling and what I thought of him. I knew this would infuriate him, and it did. A few hours later I got a string of IM's, which I never opened but could read as they showed up as banners on my phone. He swore at me, called me ungrateful and told me he was blocking me from email, IM, his phone, Skype, etc. As far as I know he still thinks the IM's went unread. This is exactly what I was hoping his reaction would be. It was finally over. I felt relief.

Now I honestly don't think he has blocked me but I'm not about to test it and find out. I'm done. Don't get me wrong, I still check my phone many times a day to see if he's contacted me but I know I'm done. If he contacts me I will not reply. The relief and peaceful feeling at it being over is so much more valuable than sitting around waiting for a breadcrumb to be thrown my way.

You need to get angry, determine its over once and for all and cut off contact. Only then will you find yourself again and get your inner peace back. If I can do it (I was in this thing so so deep) I know you can. Your life will be so much better.

December 1, 2013

I wish I could totally stop the contact. My MM communicated with me yesterday morning. Said he would connect later. Never did till this morning. I didn't answer right away and was questioning me if something was wrong that I didn't answer right away. Hmm.....sounds as though once again being taken for granted. What is the point. I deserve so much better.

December 1, 2013

In fact I lowered my standards and boundaries when this man came into my
life.

Yes, you did. Read this statement every time you feel the urge to break NC.

December 1, 2013

Today is a hard day, very bad. I have every emotion pouring out of me. Tears since this morning. I have had no contact with him, besides his last text to me, and than I told him I am no longer interested in his breadcrumbs. That was days ago.

So I kept busy all weekend, painting my house and went out with friends last night. I try my best to keep him off my mind, but he creeps in every now and then. I can't stop obsessing over the whole situation. How strong he came on and used to tell me all the things that every girl wants to hear. I know that it was all a lie. I know that he was a cheater and a liar, to both of us. She is still in the picture, and has no clue....she can have him.

Any breakup is tough, but this is killing me. I am so mad at myself for letting him into my life and letting him stay as long as he did. I am not stupid, and I am not blaming myself or putting myself down. I tried at love again, and I lost.

December 2, 2013

I'm so sorry Starry. If it helps at all I totally understand. I'm having the exact same thoughts as you. How could someone proclaim love like that, so strongly. I regret the day I ever got involved. I always will. I was doing so good up until today. I've written him countless texts today which, thank goodness, I've had the sense to delete. Maybe there's something about Sundays?

December 2, 2013

I feel so stupid, hurt, lost, confused. After several days of no contact, we spoke this morning, actually more yelled at each other. He finally admitted that he was on and off with his "ex-finance" while he was with me, that they have a love/hate relationship. I knew this all along, but he finally confirmed it this morning. After all the times he said I was the only one, that he is 100% not with her, I come to found out he was and still is. They were together this weekend, and even had the police involved because they got into a physical fight with each other.

I am stuck here processing all this information, and it's so hard because I am in love with this person. He also said that he can't give me what I need, and that I deserve to be happy. His whole life is one big mess.

I yelled back and said is it fair that he begged and pleaded and cried to me to stay for the first 6 months, only to find out that after every time I told him to end with her, he would go right back to her. I told him if he actually cared, he would move mountains to be with me, and not her? So basically he has lied to me for all this time, and yet, why can't I let go? He won't let go of me either, and I am basically forcing him to end it.....it's sad because I know I should end it, but I just can't. I love him too much.

If I was an outsider, or a friend watching this, I would scream RUN to the other person, easier said than done when it's your own life or emotions.

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So tired of breadcrumbs

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