Holding on to nothing

[inappfriendly]

New here...long story sort of condensed but not really! Just need to get it out.

 

Contrary to what my heart tells me, my story reads about the same as most affairs seem to go. It is not some unique, magical love story. Just two people, married to other people, who started a "thing" and fell in love. It was a terrible idea. But it was amazing while it was happening.

 

A big mess ensued after D-Day. We kept in touch under cover for a while until I abruptly cut off all contact cold turkey. Not because I had enough of him but because it was too painful to have only a tiny piece of him. NC now for almost three months, though we see each other a few times a week (kids go to the same school). We never speak and often his wife accompanies him. Which is reasonable, since she put him on intense lockdown after we were discovered, tracking his every move and monitoring all his correspondences. Or so he would have had me believe. Just as he had me believe that he was horribly unhappy at home, that his wife was a cold woman and that he had no one to take care of him. Again, it all sounds so redundant given the stories of infidelity that I read endlessly that it almost makes me sick.

 

My husband has been beyond reasonable about the affair. We struggled with a bunch of bad months but are moving towards a place where we might be able to make our marriage work. It would seem to him and those around us who knew that that chapter of my life has closed and I really, REALLY lucked out.

 

The final piece of the puzzle, for me, would be to move past my feelings for OM. They still feel as intense as when we first hooked up last winter. He clearly has gotten me out of his system since he has not tried to contact me since I cut it off. His life is beyond comfortable. His wife makes unbelievably good coin working for the gov while he stays home with his children and spends money without blinking an eye. I could never have afforded him that lifestyle and he knew it. He also knew that I would have given him all that I had to offer. I would have and did risk it all for him and what we had. I want to believe it was special. To think otherwise would further rip my heart to shreds.

 

I know that most of you will think and probably tell me that I am a stupid, selfish brat who dodged a huge bullet so why am I dwelling on this? Why can't I let it go? Why can't I let HIM go? What about my poor husband and kids?! And I agree with you! SO if there is anyone out there who can shed some real insight into why this man still occupies 95% of my thoughts and dreams, I would appreciate it. What is the SOMETHING that keeps me holding on to NOTHING?

[leavethepieces]

Oh my goodness, I could have written this (plus or minus a few pieces). I wish I had the magical answer - I know exactly how you feel when you say that you want to believe you had something different and special. Me too.

 

My one difference is that he is now divorced and I'm not - we've been communicating through email off and on but he seems to not want to be together after all - unlike he led me to believe the entire time we were together.

 

It's a very hard place to be, to want someone so much that you can't have. I've noticed that when I don't see him and don't talk to him, I'm able to bury the feelings a little better. When I'm talking to him (or when you see him at school), I can only imagine that the pain rises back up.

 

My only advice is:

 

1) JOURNAL! I know it sounds so petty, but it really does help. When I am angry or feeling like I'm going to do something regrettable, I pull out the journal and write every last painful word down.

 

2) Do something for yourself. I started taking a writing class, which gave me something to distract myself with and it's helping me write through my experiences.

[ClemsonTigers]

Why can't I let it go?

 

Letting go takes time. It's a process.

 

Step One = No Contact.

 

Planning and executing a move which would necessitate the kids changing schools would be a wise choice. It would give you and your husband a significant task to accomplish together while getting you and your family away from the married man (MM) and his wife (and kids, for that matter). No matter how reasonable your husband is being….he's only doing it because he's scared of losing his family. It is extremely disrespectful for you to continue to see and bump into OM and his wife at the school. Find a way to avoid it…have someone else drop off and pick up. Avoid school functions for the time being until you can get them in a new school.

 

I know changing schools and moving seems a bit dramatic but your marriage is more important than your possessions and where you live. Consider that your adult children would much rather have Mom and Dad happy and married than staying in the same school at whatever age they may be.

 

Until you achieve "no contact" your recovery can't truly begin. You'll remain hung up on holding on to the memories, interpreting glances and trying to decipher body language. God forbid you resume your affair with this weak man but happens all the time when affairs are ended the right way.

 

In time you'll be disgusted by your behavior and the memories will make you vomit a little every time. Even this post you made will disgust you one day when you look back all nostalgically upon the worst mistake of your life. It wasn't "love" …that's just a trick your brain played on you….the guy standing next to you…reasonably loving you despite what you did to him….THAT is love.

 

It's time to start making some right decisions. No Contact first.

[mikecr50]

What you had WAS special! But its over, no contact, erase his details from your phone, computer etc. Of course its easier said than done but you have no choice. Time heals all wounds. DO NOT ask why! Get busy with anything else that distracts your mind from it. Setbacks happen but they'll be further and further apart and one day down the road you'll say why did I do that! Ask me how I know :-)

[inappfriendly]

@Leavethepieces, thanks for your suggestions. There are definitely times when I feel like breaking no contact but I know how detrimental that would be to any progress I have made. Journaling is a great alternative outlet.

 

@ClemsonTigers...I appreciate your candid, sound advice more than you know. OM and family almost relocated but it didn't work out. At the time, we were still in contact and I was sick to think of him leaving. Now I wish they had. I am putting a lot of thought into your reply. Thank you.

[tiredofitall2]

New here...long story sort of condensed but not really! Just need to get it out.

 

Contrary to what my heart tells me, my story reads about the same as most affairs seem to go. It is not some unique, magical love story. Just two people, married to other people, who started a "thing" and fell in love. It was a terrible idea. But it was amazing while it was happening.

 

A big mess ensued after D-Day. We kept in touch under cover for a while until I abruptly cut off all contact cold turkey. Not because I had enough of him but because it was too painful to have only a tiny piece of him. NC now for almost three months, though we see each other a few times a week (kids go to the same school). We never speak and often his wife accompanies him. Which is reasonable, since she put him on intense lockdown after we were discovered, tracking his every move and monitoring all his correspondences. Or so he would have had me believe. Just as he had me believe that he was horribly unhappy at home, that his wife was a cold woman and that he had no one to take care of him. Again, it all sounds so redundant given the stories of infidelity that I read endlessly that it almost makes me sick.

 

My husband has been beyond reasonable about the affair. We struggled with a bunch of bad months but are moving towards a place where we might be able to make our marriage work. It would seem to him and those around us who knew that that chapter of my life has closed and I really, REALLY lucked out.

 

The final piece of the puzzle, for me, would be to move past my feelings for OM. They still feel as intense as when we first hooked up last winter. He clearly has gotten me out of his system since he has not tried to contact me since I cut it off. His life is beyond comfortable. His wife makes unbelievably good coin working for the gov while he stays home with his children and spends money without blinking an eye. I could never have afforded him that lifestyle and he knew it. He also knew that I would have given him all that I had to offer. I would have and did risk it all for him and what we had. I want to believe it was special. To think otherwise would further rip my heart to shreds.

 

I know that most of you will think and probably tell me that I am a stupid, selfish brat who dodged a huge bullet so why am I dwelling on this? Why can't I let it go? Why can't I let HIM go? What about my poor husband and kids?! And I agree with you! SO if there is anyone out there who can shed some real insight into why this man still occupies 95% of my thoughts and dreams, I would appreciate it. What is the SOMETHING that keeps me holding on to NOTHING?

 

You are still deep in the affair fog.

[Rhema]

Have you/ or you & your husband considered couples counseling? I know that you said that you two are in a good place now. But you may want to explore any underlining feelings that you may have. How/why did you end up in an affair (especially an emotional affair) in the first place. Not all the time (but sometimes, myself included) you actually end up in an affair because you are trying to fill a void. It could be an emotional void, it could be a physical one. Once you remove what once filled it (your OM/OW), its just an empty wound that is left untreated. You can cover it up (NC, etc.), but its still going to hurt. Because its not treated (there's an underlying issue). This may/ may not be the case for you. But it might be worth exploring. Good luck!