HopelessNow Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 First, sorry so long... I am just hanging by a string today. I am having such a hard time ... I have tried being strong but I've not been good at it. I actually had contemplated "not being here anymore" because the hurt just won't stop. I want to text or call my ex and feel that he cares, which I know is useless. I was dating my BF for almost a year. We seemed like soul mates and he was really good to me. I was very much blindsided by our split, to say the least. In the beginning, I shared I'd been through an abusive marriage (years ago) and I had some trouble trusting because I had been cheated on by some people I'd dated. He worked extra hard to earn my trust and told me I never had to worry about him being faithful, that he would call to reassure me when needed, do whatever was necessary. He said he would show me someone COULD be faithful and treat me right. He had been cheated on in his long term marriage and with some GFs, so he said he knew how it felt and wouldn't do it to someone. He is a very settled professional with a great job. He is an amazing dad and "seemed" to have it all together. We went to church together and share the same beliefs. Most who know him think he is a great guy. My friends and family loved him and he really never appeared to be a dishonest person in any way. One night, a girl kept commenting excessively and in ways that I wasn't comfortable with online. So I looked at her profile to see what she was about. (It wasn't a one time thing, and I had ignored the comments for a long time trying to be trusting). I finally look at her profile I find a picture of her snuggled up to my guy. It was taken after we started seeing each other, but not while exclusive so rather than overreact, I did ask what the nature of their relationship was... exes. So I was concerned but hate being jealous girl so I just apologized. He then decided not to talk to me for three days because of me thinking he was cheating. (I actually never accused that at all) I was terribly hurt. We finally made up and talked it out and things seemed back on track. One weekend about two weeks later, we were supposed to take my child out for the day to a local amusement park. (Our kids and families were all involved with one another) He and I had just returned from a vacation alone two weeks earlier. We were having some frustration emotionally connecting because we were in a semi-long distance relationship with children responsibilities. I had no idea things were anything to really be concerned about though... he assured me they were not and he was still in love with me, that nothing was wrong, etc. (that had only been going on a couple weeks). So, he doesn't' answer the phone the Friday before we go and I chalk it up to him falling asleep since I call late. However, the next morning he is supposed to show, I can't get hold of him after multiple calls/texts... I take my daughter to the park until I begin to get seriously worried he has been hurt or in a wreck and I drive to his house to check on him. I get there and there is another car in the drive. I go to the front door, no answer. I go to the back and walk in asking if he is okay and I find another woman (NOT the one in the pictures). He obviously slept with her and dissed me and my child with no call to cancel or anything. The girl states they are co-workers and exes, and have talked the entire time we dated and were great friends. When confronted, she loves him, but he doesn't love her. He swears this is the first time he ever cheated in over 40 years. She ends up leaving and storming out when he tells me he loves me and not her. In the process of all this, he breaks down, tells me he does love me and wants to be with me and he is so sorry and disgusted in himself giving in to temptation. I am in such shock I tell him to go with us to the park and "pretend" with me, so as not to ruin my child's day. I secretly feel good that he chose me, while still feeling absolutely crapped on completely. After that, we don't talk much other than to discuss our pain. He seems as devastated as I am. I can't handle it, so I decide to "give up" and consider leaving this world (not proud of this, but its truth). I then return talking to him and then he finally says he fell out of love with me. I don't know if he really means it or is trying to protect me because he says I deserve way better and he is a piece of ****. Obviously, if he really loved me he probably wouldn't have cheated. I have been in such a really, really, bad place and don't feel any desire to live. I am also an almost 40 y.o professional with stable life, good job, educated, friends say I'm very beautiful, good person, etc. SO... I don't know how I will EVER EVER trust anyone again and it is putting me in a place where I just question even walking through the pain of this life and love anymore. I know I have to continue for my family, which makes it even worse. I have so many questions, but WHY is the biggest one... he says i didn't do anything at all, and it is ALL his mistake. WHY would he love me and do this? I know that he DID love me once because we both felt it... How do I go on? I just don't know how... how do I find peace? Any answers would be deeply appreciated... please don't' be ugly..honesty is okay but I can't deal with more hurt right now. Thank you!
LostConfused123 Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Unfortunately, the WHY is the biggest question for most of us here. I'm so sorry you're hurting! I really wish I could give you answers because it's pure torture!!! I ponder over the WHY daily. It hurts like nothing else but it does get better day by day. I promise you!! Much easier said than done but I would focus on yourself and your healing. Stay strong. My thoughts are with you. ((hugs))
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