Spoiling a girl too much?

[atkrob]

Okay, this is long, but I need some advice.

 

I've been with my gf for a year now, I'm 26 and she is 24. At the start of our relationship and for a lot of it, I have came up with these witty ideas and taken her to some really nice places. I went the extra mile always to make her feel special. Her ex boyfriend before me treated her horribly and was emotionally abusive from what I've heard so this probably had an even more pronounced effect. About halfway through our relationship, I started to have what I thought was a nervous breakdown. I kept it from her as long as I could bc I thought it was just anxiety, but eventually I had to tell her I was having a hard time. I went to a psychologist and was diagnosed Bipolar 2. I don't have full-blown manic episodes and lie in the depressive side of the scale moreso of the time. I know the word bipolar has the stereotype of crazy around it, but I want you all to know I'm far from that. I have a good job and great friends.

 

Through all of this stuff, I've become a little worn down. The fall time is my favorite time of year as it's a season for a hobby I love. During this time, my girlfriend has become snippy towards me and I've felt awkward around her. She wants a ring on her finger and we used to talk about it, but since everything happened I've been trying to get control of things and I'm not ready for marriage. She tells me I haven't been paying attention to her and she feels like she's been on the backburner to my hobby. She said I don't look at her the same anymore and I don't even look at her when she's naked. The last part of this might be true bc she has serious hangups about intimacy. She lost her virginity to her ex and regrets it terribly and now she says she wishes we would've never done it. She's always been awkward about physical stuff and it's been hard to enjoy it when we do (very seldomly) do it. This did really mess with me bc I blamed myself and thought she wasn't attracted to me and I felt very rejected. However, now I can see that it's just the way she was raised. It's so frustrating though bc she makes me feel like a horrible lover as I can't kiss her neck area or around her ears, the normal turn on zones, bc it bothers her. The other day I accidently kissed her ear and she said "gross". This is an issue that I've had a hard time getting past and makes me question marriage bc I wonder if she'll ever change her attitude towards sex.

 

Since she's been saying I don't treat her like I used to, I've felt exhausted and like I've been shutting down. I told her that maybe I spoiled her too much in the beginning, and it's just too hard to do stuff all the time. I have bills and other things to keep in order. She told me it hurt her I didn't feel the same about marriage as her right now and it hurts her heart. Another thing that makes it hard to give her attention is she's always pouty or talking about drama. I'll be in a good mood and she'll be down which brings my mood down too. I try to be happy to let it rub off on her and it doesn't work. Sometimes, she just seems annoyed. I took her to an expensive dinner for our anniversary; it went great and I made sure to give her all my attention. When we got back to my place, I talked to a buddy on the phone and then looked at my phone for a second in bed and it turned into a huge argument bc I wasn't paying attention to her.

 

I'm not trying to make her sound awful, she is a great girl and I love her. I feel like maybe she is insecure and I can relate bc I am in my own ways too. But it has been so hard communicating with her, and when physical intimacy is hard to get it's becomes difficult to feel close to her. With all my bipolar diagnosis stuff, she's been great and supportive. It's just sometimes I feel like she's more after a ring and the white picket fence than enjoying being together. I'd rather hangout at the house on a Friday night and spend time close together than having to go spend a money. I told her this and she said I don't need to spend money to make her happy.

 

I know this was long and I appreciate if you read it all. I just need to know what to do. I don't want to make a decision that may be caused by my mental health stuff but I feel like I have that under control for the most part. I just feel overwhelmed as if I can't make her happy unless I'm doing stuff all the time. I'm frustrated with myself bc I did things so over the top during the honeymoon phase that set the bar to high. I thought once this was over we should still be able to love each other and being together the same. She made the comment the night during an argument of our date saying that "maybe she's just an immature needy bitch". I told her I felt like she was immature but I love her we'll work on things. She's recently started on birth control which I don't think is helping things, but she was still being like this before that started it just seems amplified now. What do you all suggest I do? I want this to workout and I'm usually good at handling things. I just feel overloaded right now and can't think very straight.

[Philosoraptor]

Well this problem has nothing to do with spoiling her... she has hangups about her past. Hangups that you probably would have seen much earlier had you not been going the extra mile for her.

 

You need to sit her down and talk to her about these issues. You can be positive, but you can't continue to make excuses for her behavior. Let her know that she needs to give you space to enjoy your own life and she needs to find a way to handle her own emotions.

 

Most relationships have someone going over the top at the start, and a mature adult can understand that it won't last forever.

[atkrob]

Well this problem has nothing to do with spoiling her... she has hangups about her past. Hangups that you probably would have seen much earlier had you not been going the extra mile for her.

 

You need to sit her down and talk to her about these issues. You can be positive, but you can't continue to make excuses for her behavior. Let her know that she needs to give you space to enjoy your own life and she needs to find a way to handle her own emotions.

 

Most relationships have someone going over the top at the start, and a mature adult can understand that it won't last forever.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read all of that.

 

I agree with what you said, it's just I feel so overloaded I can't think straight of how I should approach it.

 

Like, what can I absolutely identify as her issues? When I sit her down to talk with her, what should I say?

 

I need someone to kind of help me out here bc I don't feel I'm seeing very clearly right now. I want to be sincere and positive in talking with her, but I don't know if that's possible.

[GorillaTheater]

There are usually at least three sides to any issue, but from what you describe communication is terrible, your sex life sucks, and she seems to be pushing hard for marriage pretty early (to me) in the relationship. Just for perspective, when did that pushing start? On top of everything, she seems to be pretty needy.

 

Maybe you're coming from a place where your perspective is skewed a bit by your condition, I don't know, but at a minimum I wouldn't even consider marriage at this point. If that's a deal-breaker for her, so be it. I'd tell her that you two need to work on communication and sexual issues before marriage is even on the table. Again, if she can't deal with that, she knows where the door is. Besides everything else, you need to make sure you have a firm handle on your BP before you can make life-long plans.

[KathyM]

Well, you're not going to like what I have to say, but I think you should break up with her. If she is that avoidant of affection at this point, you are in for a lifetime of issues with her should you marry her. I think you should cut your losses now and break up with her. It's never a good idea to continue a relationship thinking you can change someone. People are who they are, and although counseling could possibly help her with some of her issues, we are talking about pretty engrained patterns of thinking. I consider dating to be a time of getting to know someone to see if they are compatible for the long term, not a time to "fix" someone that needs fixing.

 

As far as the date nights, though, I don't know how over-the-top you were to begin with, but I'd just like to say that, for future reference, making date nights memorable is a good thing, and shows you make the effort to make your time together special. It doesn't have to be expensive or over-the-top, but it should be regularly-scheduled once a week date nights where you are going out together to spend time doing enjoyable things and making the effort for the relationship. This is not something you just do initially to impress or woo the woman. This is something you need to be doing throughout a relationship and a marriage in order to keep the relationship healthy and connected.

[atkrob]

There are usually at least three sides to any issue, but from what you describe communication is terrible, your sex life sucks, and she seems to be pushing hard for marriage pretty early (to me) in the relationship. Just for perspective, when did that pushing start? On top of everything, she seems to be pretty needy.

 

Maybe you're coming from a place where your perspective is skewed a bit by your condition, I don't know, but at a minimum I wouldn't even consider marriage at this point. If that's a deal-breaker for her, so be it. I'd tell her that you two need to work on communication and sexual issues before marriage is even on the table. Again, if she can't deal with that, she knows where the door is. Besides everything else, you need to make sure you have a firm handle on your BP before you can make life-long plans.

 

I do think my condition is affecting my view of things which is why I'm asking for other's help. I gotta say thanks and I hate I have to ask others to do this, but it seems a lot has been going on and I can't focus.

 

I've sat her down and tried to communicate, but she normally just gets really upset and says I'm blaming her for everything and that everything is her fault. She said that I try to control situations. This is where I think "maybe I am and it's part of my condition that I don't recognize I'm doing these things". I'm sure I'm not perfect, but I feel like it's not all me. She always wants to run away from me for a while or just roll over in a bad mood and go to sleep than talk about things. I've told her we need to communicate like adults and she usually says I'm treating her like a kid. I've explained I'm frustrated about the sex issues, and she just says she's not a sexual person. However, there have been several times where this isn't the case and anytime she gets a few drinks in her, she opens up. Sometimes, it feels like she just has sex for me. It feels awful to say this but I wonder if she's even had an orgasm. I've asked her what she likes, and she takes this as me worrying too much when I really just want to find what she likes best. She won't let me go down on her or touch her too much down there. I've told her how beautiful she is a million times and how much I love her body. I told her we could discover what is best for her together- that was months ago. I've thought for the longest time she just wasn't attracted to me and put her own issues on myself. I do think she's been trying to improve, but it's hard for me to be into it when I don't feel like she's passionate about it. She'll cry after we do it sometimes and say she loves that connection, I just don't know why she wouldn't want it more. She said the birth control she recently started makes her feel like a horrible person bc she's having sex.

 

So, as you can see, lots of problems there. However, I was raised pretty conservatively too so I can understand to a degree. I've offered to go talk to someone with her, but she said that wouldn't help. I'll offer again though when we talk. I just hate to break up with a great girl over sex. I wonder if she'd change and be more comfortable once she's married, but I know that'd be a very stupid gamble on my part. She said she wishes she'd have waited to marry me before we had sex, and I asked her if she'd rather find these things out then. She said we'd have worked them out.

 

Well, you're not going to like what I have to say, but I think you should break up with her. If she is that avoidant of affection at this point, you are in for a lifetime of issues with her should you marry her. I think you should cut your losses now and break up with her. It's never a good idea to continue a relationship thinking you can change someone. People are who they are, and although counseling could possibly help her with some of her issues, we are talking about pretty engrained patterns of thinking. I consider dating to be a time of getting to know someone to see if they are compatible for the long term, not a time to "fix" someone that needs fixing.

 

As far as the date nights, though, I don't know how over-the-top you were to begin with, but I'd just like to say that, for future reference, making date nights memorable is a good thing, and shows you make the effort to make your time together special. It doesn't have to be expensive or over-the-top, but it should be regularly-scheduled once a week date nights where you are going out together to spend time doing enjoyable things and making the effort for the relationship. This is not something you just do initially to impress or woo the woman. This is something you need to be doing throughout a relationship and a marriage in order to keep the relationship healthy and connected.

 

You're right, I don't like to hear that. However, you're being honest and I appreciate that. I find myself getting resentful of her bc of all this and I hate it. I keep wanting to blame myself and say it's problems I need to workout myself but it's really wearing me down. I'm an insecure person in ways myself, so I understand a bit of what she's going through. I want to help, but I'm not sure how. I'm worried that maybe it's my problem and any girl I'm with I'm going to find something wrong in the relationship. Maybe these are normal thoughts and I'm just stressed about the situation.

 

She's very good to me in other ways though and treats me well. My family and hers are all over things like marriage and that doesn't help. People assume I will propose at any time. It's just so freaking overwhelming I feel like shutting everyone out and being alone for a while. This is where I worry it may be my condition.

[bubbaganoosh]

You have to ask yourself if your getting as much as your giving. In any relationship, there has to be give and take. There's times when you'll give more and times when you'll get more but for the most part it balances out..................except in this situation.

 

Seems like she's a huge taker and by giving her more to keep her happy is the road to disaster. Sooner or later your tank is going to come up dry, then what. When you have no more to give, you think she's going to stick around?

 

She also has some pretty big issues that need to be dealt with and the way I see it, her hangups are not going to help the relationship but make it worse.

 

Your seeking help for your problems so you can be better for yourself which would be a benefit to her. She needs to do the same and until she does, your going to continue to be the giver and she's going to be the taker.................until there's no more to give.

[atkrob]

You have to ask yourself if your getting as much as your giving. In any relationship, there has to be give and take. There's times when you'll give more and times when you'll get more but for the most part it balances out..................except in this situation.

 

Seems like she's a huge taker and by giving her more to keep her happy is the road to disaster. Sooner or later your tank is going to come up dry, then what. When you have no more to give, you think she's going to stick around?

 

She also has some pretty big issues that need to be dealt with and the way I see it, her hangups are not going to help the relationship but make it worse.

 

Your seeking help for your problems so you can be better for yourself which would be a benefit to her. She needs to do the same and until she does, your going to continue to be the giver and she's going to be the taker.................until there's no more to give.

 

 

I see what you're saying, and that isn't the case entirely, maybe somewhat. She does give but something about the way it balances between us feels funny.

 

Here's another thing- if I did give and give until my tank was dry, she would stay in the relationship. She's a sweet girl and I do know she loves me and she's trustworthy. However, it's hard to feel that love when the physical connectedness isn't often there.

[KathyM]

 

 

 

You're right, I don't like to hear that. However, you're being honest and I appreciate that. I find myself getting resentful of her bc of all this and I hate it. I keep wanting to blame myself and say it's problems I need to workout myself but it's really wearing me down. I'm an insecure person in ways myself, so I understand a bit of what she's going through. I want to help, but I'm not sure how. I'm worried that maybe it's my problem and any girl I'm with I'm going to find something wrong in the relationship. Maybe these are normal thoughts and I'm just stressed about the situation.

 

She's very good to me in other ways though and treats me well. My family and hers are all over things like marriage and that doesn't help. People assume I will propose at any time. It's just so freaking overwhelming I feel like shutting everyone out and being alone for a while. This is where I worry it may be my condition.

Her dislike for affection is one thing that concerns me the most. She doesn't like to be kissed you said, or is very touchy about it. Regardless of any guilt she might be feeling about having sex, it sounds like any kind of affection is uncomfortable to her. This should be a red flag for you: any woman who is this uncomfortable about being kissed or shown affection is going to be difficult to have a satisfying sexual relationship with after marriage. I currently counsel two married couples who have this same issue: one partner does not like or is not interested in showing affection, and it's damaging the relationship because the other partner feels rejected. Maybe with some counseling, your girlfriend could get to the heart of why she has this avoidant type behavior. But I wouldn't advise sticking around to see if she can change. Change would be slow, if it is to come at all.

[Keenly]

This is actually one reason I have decided to never spoil a girl again.

I'll do special things for her, but I will not break my back to try and make her happy, especially in the beginning.

 

If you do stuff like that right at the start, she starts to expect that kind of treatment as the standard, and then as time goes on she will get used to the standard and demand more. More than any one person can actually give.

[atkrob]

Her dislike for affection is one thing that concerns me the most. She doesn't like to be kissed you said, or is very touchy about it. Regardless of any guilt she might be feeling about having sex, it sounds like any kind of affection is uncomfortable to her. This should be a red flag for you: any woman who is this uncomfortable about being kissed or shown affection is going to be difficult to have a satisfying sexual relationship with after marriage. I currently counsel two married couples who have this same issue: one partner does not like or is not interested in showing affection, and it's damaging the relationship because the other partner feels rejected. Maybe with some counseling, your girlfriend could get to the heart of why she has this avoidant type behavior. But I wouldn't advise sticking around to see if she can change. Change would be slow, if it is to come at all.

 

When I first kissed her, I could tell she hadn't kissed many people. She likes the affection of holding hands, me cuddling/holding her, etc. However, when kissing her it's as if there is rarely any passion. Often times, I'll try to initiate more intimacy and she'll kiss me with short loud pecks. It used to drive me nuts and still does occasionally. I have to tell her out loud I'd like to be close with her and even then it's awkward. I know she knows that is what I want most of the time though, it's like she just doesn't want to though. This is where I can understand how the couple you counsel must feel- rejected. I've expressed this to her. I'll even start rubbing her back and kissing her very gently and she'll say it tickles her. I once asked her why she wouldn't go along with things and she said she felt pressured bc she knew it would lead to sex.

 

Do you think counseling would work if I got her to go? I wish I wouldn't have let this get to me so much already in terms of my self-esteem. However, I do care for her and want it to work. When I kiss her though, it's like it's so functional. Like the white picket fence thing and it makes my anxiety soar. I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but it feels like it's just going with the motions. I never feel like I can just grab her and take her to bed and have some fun. I don't mean this in a controlling way, but just one of feeling comfortable and that my girlfriend would be excited to have me want her in bed that moment.

[atkrob]

This is actually one reason I have decided to never spoil a girl again.

I'll do special things for her, but I will not break my back to try and make her happy, especially in the beginning.

 

If you do stuff like that right at the start, she starts to expect that kind of treatment as the standard, and then as time goes on she will get used to the standard and demand more. More than any one person can actually give.

 

Hey buddy, I wish I'd have known that. I still think if it was meant to be, it wouldn't be that big a deal when things settle down. Her last relationship she was treated HORRIBLY and stayed for 2 years until she was too miserable to continue.

 

Is there any way I can fix this or bring her back down to earth? She asked me the other night during an argument if I acted the way I did just to get her on the hook.

[Phantom888]

There is no shame in treating your woman nicely in the beginning. It's only natural you want to present your best so that she knows you are the right guy for her. It's okay to spoil the woman you love. But I think we have a more serious issue here. You two are really not all that compatible. You are not sexually compatible. You don't view your futures the same way. You don't like how pouty she gets. You are beginning to resent her.

 

DO NOT GET MARRIED SOON. If you want to stay with her, try to work things out and communicate better, and wait a few years. Go to therapy with her. Talk about what is bugging you. Let her read THIS THREAD! It's only fair you let her understand what you are going through.

[atkrob]

There is no shame in treating your woman nicely in the beginning. It's only natural you want to present your best so that she knows you are the right guy for her. It's okay to spoil the woman you love. But I think we have a more serious issue here. You two are really not all that compatible. You are not sexually compatible. You don't view your futures the same way. You don't like how pouty she gets. You are beginning to resent her.

 

DO NOT GET MARRIED SOON. If you want to stay with her, try to work things out and communicate better, and wait a few years. Go to therapy with her. Talk about what is bugging you. Let her read THIS THREAD! It's only fair you let her understand what you are going through.

 

I def won't be getting married soon. And I want to say thanks for your post.

 

I know one problem for her is that she wanted me to propose a long time ago. The idea came up early and we would talk about it and it is partly my fault bc I talked about it with her. However, after everything happened I told her I'm not ready and she was/is bothered we don't talk about marriage anymore.

 

She seems so anxious about it and I don't know why. I'm def going to suggest therapy again but I'm worried about what to do if she won't agree to that.