Boyfriend didn't seem concerned I was in the er

[happywithlife]

So I've been dating my boyfriend exculsively for 9 months. We're both pretty busy as we are both in our mid 30s, back in school, and both have kids. I have my kids almost all the time and he currently has his most weekends. Despite this we have found time to ourselves and have had no problems to date.

 

Yesterday, I ended up in the er for 12 hours. My family was able to take care of my kids for me and my mom was able to come meet me in the er.

 

My boyfriend was in clinical until mid afternoon and I understand he couldn't come see me until he got out of clinical. I kept him up to date, as per his request with about 5 texts throughout the day.

 

I am upset because he never offered help nor did he stop by the hospital I was at to see me. Would you be upset? What would you say to the person?

 

I don't really want to blow this issue up, but he knows my ex had left me high and dry twice in the past during medical emergencies. And because of this I definitely feel hurt.

[Philosoraptor]

Yes, in this case you were there for 12 hours and were offered nothing. I would certainly be bothered that there was a lack of anything. He had the opportunity to stop by after his stuff was finished but he didn't, and you have the right to be upset by that if it bothers you. I would simply state to him how you feel but not get overly emotional.

 

But you shouldn't compare this to your past, that's not healthy. This has nothing to do with what your ex might have done, this has everything to do with what your current partner has done.

[Lansing]

What does "he was in clinical" mean? Like, he is a health care practitioner or studying to be a doctor or something?

 

 

Did you say to him something like "don't worry, don't come and see me, I am fine" Not to get too personal if you don't want to reveal it but it could depend on what your condition was too that you had to go to ER. Some people go to ER to get an xray for a broken bone or some people go because they have a panic attack.

[happywithlife]

Yes he is studying to be in the medical field.

 

No, I did say anything along the lines of don't worry. I would simplybstate what test they were thinking of running next and my estimated time of wait (in hours of course).

 

And, I am definitley not a frequent flier in the er or even the doc's office. I eat healthy, run 3-6 miles 5 days a week, don't really drink, don't smoke, and don't suffer from mental illness. I was sent there from my family doctor b/c of acute abdominal pain w/ nausea.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would be very let down by that as well. You can always tell who your real friends and loved ones are when things get tough.

 

Since you don't want to make a big issue of it, I'd just tell him how you feel. Just state the facts of how it made you feel, without any judgment of his behavior. This is easier said than done.

 

From here, he will adapt or not, and you'll have more experiences that illuminate his nature as you go.

[d0nnivain]

I'd be furious. I'd be in his face going where were you yesterday? if I didn't like the answer, the relationship would be over.

 

 

Certain things are deal breakers for me. I lived with a guy for 12 years. I drove his mother back & forth to various doctor's appointments when she was dying of cancer. Years later after his mom passed, my mom needed major surgery & my dad became distraught at the idea of losing her he became non-functioning so here I was in the hospital all alone waiting. I called my BF of then 7 years & asked him to come to support & comfort me. He told me he needed to change the oil in his car. I flipped. I screamed "Get your a$$ to hospital within the next two hours or this relationship is over. If I don't see your face in front of me in 2 hours, I never want to see it again as long as I live." He showed up bearing gifts.

[winny]

iget your a$$ to hospital within the next two hours or this relationship is over. If i don't see your face in front of me in 2 hours, i never want to see it again as long as i live[/i]." he showed up bearing gifts.

 

lol :d:d

[winny]

You have every right to be upset about this.

He should have been at your side however big or small the issue was for which you were at the hospital.

I think you need to communicate your feelings to him clearly.

 

Do not lose temper. Don't be angry. Don't use any swear words

Calmly n clearly tell him what upset you and what your expectations are from him.

 

Based on his answer evaluate whether this guy is actually good enough and will be there for you when you will need him.

[happywithlife]

Oh, I don't plan on loosing my temper. I've learned long ago that getting angry and yelling doesn't really help.

 

I do plan on letting him know that I am disappointed.

 

In the whole time we have been dating, this has been the first "issue" to arise. He's normally really good about communication and support, so I'm really surprised he pulled this. . .

[winny]

Oh, I don't plan on loosing my temper. I've learned long ago that getting angry and yelling doesn't really help.

 

I do plan on letting him know that I am disappointed.

 

In the whole time we have been dating, this has been the first "issue" to arise. He's normally really good about communication and support, so I'm really surprised he pulled this. . .

 

Yeah.. just talk to him.. maybe he thought because already people were there for you so it was okay if he didn't show up or something.

So tell him, it was him that you were looking for and needed...

I am sure he will say sorry and next time will be there for you...

Everything works out when you communicate properly

Good Luck....

[Ninjainpajamas]

Has he ever met your family before? and I know this might be a silly question to you..but is this a "serious" relationship or do you only see and share with each others lives occasionally and keep the personal/family life separated?

 

Because of the pace of this relationship and questionable amount of free time you've had to spend and develop this relationship it may not have felt necessary for him to visit you or even offer while you were at the hospital...especially since you had everything under your control as well as the support of your mother with you, he might not have felt a need to interject or be "supportive" in this role...I wouldn't say that nurturing role is necessarily engrained in all men, and personal upbringings/childhood can have a significant effect on how that is viewed...what is necessary and unnecessary.

 

At any rate twelve hours was a significant time, however if he's busy it's possible he may not have felt it was that long and he was also keeping in touch with you doing the process...so I wouldn't say he didn't necessary care.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is just be open about what happened, explain how you feel without being angry or holding something against him so that he's aware of the fact and what you would expect him to do....I know women hate to do that because they want men to read their minds at times as well as always act appropriate in every situation but the reality is a guy is going to foul up one time or another, no guy is going to perfect about being supportive, attentive and everything else all of the time.

 

This relationship is still "new" IMO, you're still learning about each other, sitll in the honeymoon phase...especially if you lead such busy lifestyles, it could've flown by extremely quickly and at this point I wouldn't say it's critical he be aware and completely involved in your personal health issues.

 

You seem like you could be one of those women who might seem quick to pull the trigger, overreact and lack communication skills until it builds up, possibly just exploding once you've taken all you have. And although people are advising you this and that from the outside, keep in mind most people lack the balls to practice what they preach and would likely act/respond very much like you.

[scorpiogirl]

I can understand your feeling the way you do but ( and speaking as someone who would appreciate a boyfriend's support in a medical situation), I'm not sure if I'd want anyone in the ER if my mother or sister or whatever were there to help me.

 

I'm guessing you're in America? I don't know what your "ER" looks like but ours is a madhouse. Doctors and nurses all over running around, patients on beds in the corridors, and not really a bedside where people can sit. There's a lot of standing around.

 

If this is the case, I wouldn't feel comfortable going to see someone as I might feel in the way and kind of useless since they already had a person.

 

If it was a hospital stay, then I'd agree he should have been there, but you were keeping him updated on your situation. You weren't dying. This is not meant to sound mean or sarcastic. I live in a foreign country all by myself and all my medical emergencies see me struggling on my own. I'd love it if I had someone to help me, so I get your point.

 

But I also can understand why he wouldn't be there. If it's that important to you that he be there, then tell him. He might just be thinking with his practical guy brain and not realised you'd like it if he were in fact there.

[ChessPieceFace]

Only thing I could think to excuse it is that maybe his work in health care has made him jaded about medical procedures. Like "oh, you're getting X procedure done" and he sees them done all the time, and isn't concerned. Whereas the average non-medical person panics over any hospital visit.