clyde1980 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 My wife and I have been married for 5 and a half years, and we have two girls age 4 and 19 months. I found out by accident that she was sexting with my sister's boyfriend about a month ago. She swore that nothing physical happened, and I believed her at first, although I was devastated. I decided not to tell my sister, because I wanted to work on our issues and didn't want this to destroy any future relationship that my kids have with their aunt, and also my wife, if we could work through this. I was assured by both parties involved that it was a stupid mistake and would NEVER happen again. Fast forward to last night when my wife complained that the autocorrect on her phone was acting up. I told her I would turn it off if she wanted. As I was testing it I realized that the predictive text function learns words and phrases that you type. All I typed in was **** and the next word that pops up is his name. Piecing things together, I discovered that there were two occasions that things may have in fact gotten physical. Now I am devastated AGAIN, and it seems that all of the hard work we've done over the last month has been shattered. I don't know what to do. I know that things are over between them, but the fact that she lied to me about nothing physical happened has totally rocked my world. I feel so betrayed and alone as I can't discuss the situation with anyone in my family without reveling everything, and I can't be the one to put my sister through the pain that I've felt. I don't know what to do..... Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Stop right there---YOU NEED TO "Out" your sisters BF---her sister, does not need a POS like this in her life---she needs to have the knowledge to make an educated decision about her future---not a decision where she has been cheated on and doesn't know it. Your family, will not come down on you, for getting the truth out As to your wife---if you want to know if she went physical---demand she take a POLYGRAPH---go to your closest police station---they will line you up with a good POLY operator.--- Actually the threat of the POLY, may open her up, as to what went on---but by no means should you downplay sexting, as "no big thing", in re: what she has done to you If you are bound to R, and I am not sure why you would, and please, you do not stay IN a bad mge for the kids---you get OUT of a bad mge, to make life easier on the kids---anyway if you are bound and determined to R and live in misery---you need to jump on your wife with both feet----set hard boundaries, with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES, not words, ACTIONS---such as D/threat of D---I PROMISE YOU---the last thing in the world your wife wants, and her biggest fear at this point is if you were to D her, and cut her loose, which puts her out there as a single divorced mother with kids, and with the tag of adulterer on her----she is gonna fight tooth and nail to keep that from happening, she will manipulate you with every tool she has in her arsenal. Do not fear repercussions of anything---you need to be hard about what has happened, and you need to lay out what YOU want and need---your wife's answer, as long as you are not abusive, will be yes to whatever you NEED, to help you thru this mess she has created, for her own family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 I am sorry that you are in this situation, but your logic is twisted right now. You HAVE to expose this to the family (her's and your's), it should be done delicately, but it must be done. Affairs are like fungus and grow in the dark recesses, it dies when it is exposed to the light of day. You are not hurting your sister, her boyfriend and your wife did that. What happens if she marries this Barney and now she has a cheating husband? You know this isn't a first for him, it's his modus operandi. She gets one chance to come clean, exactly one. Tell her you know more information and know that she has not been honest. This answer will be verified by a polygraph test and so it needs to be accurate. Tell her not to distort the truth to save your feelings as lying is much worse. When she tells you her side of the story, you need to record with a VAR. Make sure you listen very carefully and not look to respond. The results of this will be very telling in your ability to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 I found out by accident that she was sexting with my sister's boyfriend about a month ago. I decided not to tell my sister, because I wanted to work on our issues and didn't want this to destroy any future relationship that my kids have with their aunt, and also my wife, if we could work through this.You're doing a grave disservice to your sister. Do you even care about your sister? Wouldn't you want your sister to tell you something as important as this if the roles were reversed? Don't be a coward. Expose your wife and your sister's husband 6 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 You need to tell your sister. You must schedule a polygraph test for your WW. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Tell your sister now. Has your wife gone to IC and MC? The best way to stop cheating behavior is to expose. If you do nothing to your wife now, she won't worry about cheating again. Expose to her family and to your family. Go read on marriage builders about the first step is to expose the affair. What is your wife doing to help you? Did she give you all her passwords and write a timeline of her affair for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 My wife and I have been married for 5 and a half years, and we have two girls age 4 and 19 months. I found out by accident that she was sexting with my sister's boyfriend about a month ago. She swore that nothing physical happened, and I believed her at first, although I was devastated. I decided not to tell my sister, because I wanted to work on our issues and didn't want this to destroy any future relationship that my kids have with their aunt, and also my wife, if we could work through this. I was assured by both parties involved that it was a stupid mistake and would NEVER happen again. Fast forward to last night when my wife complained that the autocorrect on her phone was acting up. I told her I would turn it off if she wanted. As I was testing it I realized that the predictive text function learns words and phrases that you type. All I typed in was **** and the next word that pops up is his name. Piecing things together, I discovered that there were two occasions that things may have in fact gotten physical. Now I am devastated AGAIN, and it seems that all of the hard work we've done over the last month has been shattered. I don't know what to do. I know that things are over between them, but the fact that she lied to me about nothing physical happened has totally rocked my world. I feel so betrayed and alone as I can't discuss the situation with anyone in my family without reveling everything, and I can't be the one to put my sister through the pain that I've felt. I don't know what to do..... You say "may have gotten physical"...what do you have for evidence? Link to post Share on other sites
sun1972 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 have to say i think autocorrect is pretty weak as proof? do you have any further evidence of physical cheating?. im not excusing the sexting, but.. im not seeing evidence of more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 have to say i think autocorrect is pretty weak as proof?... agreed... your imagination is running away with you. have you asked her? why not? you should have right then. before using the wrecking ball (a/k/a starting a family war) you need more. start demanding poly's with only this AND she wasn't doing anything is a dangerous path. BTW it is odd she did not delete those texts upon your initial discovery. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Whoa Beatcuff---he has every right to DEMAND A POLY His wife was cheating on him---there is no place in the MARRIED SCRIPT---that ALLOWS a wife and mother to mess around with ANY OTHER MAN, whatsoever She was Sexting---and that means she opens herself up to having her activities challenged---EVERY F'ING ONE OF THEM---AND IF HE THINKS SHE WENT PHYSICAL, AND WANTS PROOF ONE WAY OR THE OTHER ----it is his right IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, AND WALKS---THAT'S ON HER, AND HE GOT HIS ANSWER ANYWAY DIDN'T HE Do not ever challenge a BS right to find out the information he/she needs to prove/disprove the possibility of an A This thread wouldn't even be here ---BUT FOR---his wife CHEATING on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 I know that things are over between them, but the fact that she lied to me about nothing physical happened has totally rocked my world. You do not know that things are over between them anymore than you thought that you knew that it was never physical. The real truth is that you do not know the whole story, and the longer that you do not tell your sister, the more the story will continue as this other man (OM) continues to have contact with your wife while he is dating your unsuspecting sister. I feel so betrayed and alone as I can't discuss the situation with anyone in my family without reveling everything, and I can't be the one to put my sister through the pain that I've felt. Their is a big difference between being betrayed by someone that you are dating that you do not have children with, and being betrayed by someone that you are married to and have children with. Your sister will eventually find out, and will feel even more hurt long term by your betrayal in not telling her, than she will about what should be her ex-boyfriend's betrayal. Dating is a process to help her decide on a mate, before you marry and have children with them. She needs to know this information in making an informed decision. Also, every time that your wife is in contact with this other man (OM) because of him dating your unsuspecting sister, the addictive brain drugs that come with both emotional and physical cheating will go off, tempting her to cheat again. Studies show that these drugs only go off in the early years of a relationship, and fades with time as they settle down and have children together. Long term spouses cannot elicite these addictive new realtionship brain drugs the way an affair partner can, and must rely on other things to keep their relationship with their spouse strong. Even if she resists the urge to cheat, the feelings that your wife has for the OM when the brain drugs go off will make her think less of you as she realizes that only the OM makes her feel that special way. Continued contact with the other man, no matter the context, will spell long term disaster as it weakens your marraige. You must tell your sister not just because she needs to know in picking a long term mate, but because you need to be able to enforce complete full no contact (NC) for life withe the OM. You need to demand full NC and full transpancy which includes all passwords with no complaint. If you do not do this, both you and your sister will regret it, and your sister will never fully forgive you for being an active participant in the secrecy of the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Yup, tell your sister. Very important. Don't let her marry and have kids with this guy. Also it sounds like he has proof beyond autocorrect. He may not need a polygraph. It sounds like he has more specific info already. You can confront her with what you know and hope she will finally come clean. The dilemma is that she may not come clean unless given direct proof...and if you do that you teach her how to go deeper underground. =\ What you want is honesty from her. Proof she can tell the truth when it's hard, not when she's forced to. Make her understand how important it is that she doesn't force you to show your hand. That opportunity to come clean willl be forever gone and trust destroyed that much further. You will have a hard time believing anything she says in the future if she doesn't come clean with what you know already. If you use a polygraph...do you need to always use a polygraph to get the truth? I don't think it serves much purpose here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 You say "may have gotten physical"...what do you have for evidence? That's my question as well. I think you need more evidence. So, I'd lay low for the moment, and quietly gather information. You can check your wife's cell phone when she's asleep or out of the room. Start checking her email, Facebook, internet search history, everything. Hire a PI or a tech guy to investigate this if you have the resources to do so. Don't do anything yet to make your wife think you're suspicious, because if you do, she'll start covering her tracks. If those investigations turn up some solid evidence that more happened then she told you... spring the trap. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 I agree with others, an autocorrect hiccup isn't any real proof that it actually went physical. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Whether it got physical or not is beside the point. They were both sexting. That is cheating no matter how you slice it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Whether it got physical or not is beside the point. They were both sexting. That is cheating no matter how you slice it. Stop it before it does get physical and let your sister know. Link to post Share on other sites
mikecr50 Posted November 26, 2013 Share Posted November 26, 2013 Everyone is on the ball here you have to "out" them. For everyone involved, maybe not ruin the holidays but Jan. 2 broadcast it, only way to, if possible find a road to repair-sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Yes she cheated but.... If the only proof you have of anything physical is autocorrect then that's very weak. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 The autocorrect proof IS very weak, but it is enough to make you think "Hmm, maybe a polygraph is in order". So do it, you have to know if this went beyond sexting. Link to post Share on other sites
Running Man Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Where is your F#$%ing loyalty to your SISTER?????? There is no excuse not to tell her. MAN UP. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I decided not to tell my sister, because I wanted to work on our issues and didn't want this to destroy any future relationship that my kids have with their aunt... Are you sure? I suspect the reason you didn't tell your sister is because you're afraid of your wife's reaction. I'd wager this is relevant to the rest. Not telling your sister was, and is a grave mistake. The best way to stop cheating behavior is to expose. The best way to stop cheating behavior is to not to cheat. The rest is damage control and inventory. That former naturally goes with not having the desire to cheat. One cannot 'force' a person to not cheat or lie. She cheated. My advice is responding with swift and immediate filing. Most can't or won't 'go that far' so soon. That almost guarantees divorce later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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