Recently seperated and depressed

[debilou]

I'm having a better day. I get really strong when I don't have to see or hear him.

 

I have this great book called "Controlling People". I see me and my stbxh on every page. Wow, I had no idea. The counselor did. Everything he's teaching me is in this book.

 

I know I have a long way to go but I'm better already. I can't go back but I wish I had known this head stuff alot sooner for the kids sake. It's hard being the only parent, the only "bad guy". But I have to do it for them.

 

Hey, does anyone know the basic law about parental visits? He hasn't given a dime in weeks. He's only given me about $800 in 8 months. Since all this junk is going on with him and the fitness trainer and the xsil (his neighbor), I'd like to keep the kids out of the drama that's sure happen.

 

The xsil knows I caught her back stabbing me and she'll be mad that I'm not having contact. If she gets the chance she'll try to get in a few jabs about me through them.

 

I should be hearing from the attorney soon. I can ask her about parental visits. I don't want to keep my kids from their father. I want to keep my kids away from the crap that's going on at the Peyton Place. They deserve 4 days out of the month with their dad and only their dad. Not his flavor of the week and the neighborhood manipulator.

 

If it were a perfect world. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . we wouldn't need this web site.

 

Oh well, things will settle down and we'll be ok.

 

Thanks for listening to my daily drama!

 

Debilou

[debilou]

I guess I was wrong about things settling down. My stbxh was arrested Friday night for assault and tampering with a witness. He ripped the chain off the door, used his keys to unlock it, the kids weren't home. Came into my bedroom. I was on the cell phone. He stomped on it. I tried to get to the house phone, he broke it threw it at the picture on the wall. I went to the kitchen, called 911 he unplugged the phone.

 

Unfortunately for my foot it was near the cell phone he was stomping on. Ouch!

 

He didn't actually attack me, he terrorized me, again. I've filed an injunction.

 

He needs HELP!

 

I need help. I have counseling Tuesday am.

 

I read the book "Controlling People". In that book it mentioned "The Gift of Fear". I had just gotten it on Friday. Whoa, kinda scary. I don't want to be right about what happens next. So far I've predicted everything.

 

My stbxh won't let me go. He wants to live his life and have me under his thumb. Not gonna happen.

 

I'll keep posting.

 

Debilou

[mazza32cott]

Hi Dalibou

 

Sounds like you are going through similar things I am going through and still after 2 and a half years, I still get the nasty emails etc... You see they are controlling and very selfish. With mine, it has nothing to do with love, he just wants to get me back. Not sure what your ex motives are.

 

I think if your EX gfriend tries to contact you, you should tell her exactly what you think of her. Also tell her you do not want any contact with her whatsoever. This will at least let her know exactly where she stands and may make you feel a bit better having told her.

 

She is not a friend. She is trash of the worst kind and you need to rid yourself of this toxic waste. I know this is harsh but I would feel this way. NEVER trust her again.

 

As for other people being involved in your ex life I don't think there is anything you can do about it. My ex tried to stop anybody being involved in my life and the courts told him he had no right. Mind you he had someone in his life pretty much straight away but of course that is different. I live in Australia so maybe the laws are different here.

 

Do you not have a community advice bureau or something where you can go to get some free or low cost advice. I managed to deal with all the legal implications very cheaply because I did the research and found out what the laws standing was on issues through legal aid and community advice bureaus.

 

I am glad that you put an order on your husband. You do not deserve to be treated that way. I know it is hard but it would be so much better for you to have NC and try to think about all the bad things to get over him. He is no good for you and I think eventually you will be glad that he went.

 

It's great to see you doing things with your children. I know mine were my salvation. Think of yourself and do everything you want that will make you happy. I believe you will one day come out of this a stronger and happier woman. A long road, I am still climbing it too but we will get there.

 

Love

 

Maz X

[debilou]

Dear Mazz,

 

Thanks for your thoughts and time. I appreciate it.

 

I had no plans to contact the xsil/xfriend. She is toxic. She wiggled her way back into my life after an incident regarding my kids a few years ago. You know the old saying: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME!"

 

I'm in counseling. I have a great one. I have great attorneys. I have a court date 7/20. Because of the domestic violence incident, I'll be getting child support alot sooner. Yea for us!

 

He wants to be in complete control. He has such severe issues. I do love him and hope he gets back into counseling. He needs it. I know he'll have to do anger management classes because of the arrest. Good!

 

You notice I stated I love him. I've got issues, logically I know I deserve to be treated like a queen. I would love for him to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It probably won't happen. He would have to face his own pain and get to it's origin.

 

I'm learning to trust myself and my instincts. I have a good job. I have a few good friends who I know I can trust. I have my kids, I have my integrity. And I have love shack!

 

Debilou

[mazza32cott]

I wish I was close enough to come over for a glass of vino and if you ever come to Australia please let me know. Damn men!

 

Hang in there, time heals. Things are getting better for me. My downfall was, I met a man who kept going back to his ex so it's like one ars*** after another but I guess at least I know I can love agian. I am lonely, it's not that I NEED a man, hell no. I am sooooo fussy. Could have had a man 10 times over. It's lonely waiting to meet the right one. We want love, compassion and someone to share our life with. Relationships are what makes life worth living. We will find it. Give it time............

 

and time.....................

 

 

Let's just be thankful that we are free to find that special someone. So many people waste their life staying together unhappy. At least that wont be us. That's what I hang on to anyhow.

 

Good luck. I feel like I know you.

 

Maz

[debilou]

I go to court next Wednesday for the temporary injunction and child support.

 

At least the court will make him step up about the money. We really need it. I'll have to go to court on a separate visit about the felony charge. Criminal court.

 

I REALLY hope my stbxh takes this as a wake up call and change the direction of his sad life. Time will tell.

 

I read a letter he wrote to his mom apologizing to her for his behavior. He blames my best friend for this situation. Yea, he's taking responsibility. It's his chance to make his life better. I hope he chooses to.

 

The counselor says this will be the first time my stbxh has had to deal with consequences to his behavior. He says I always let him off easy. He's right. Most people believe batterers don't change and that they don't take the responsibility for their behavior.

 

The counselor is so wise. He said: "Let this be what it is, don't try to minimize it." I'm a little co dependent. Hmmm.

 

I STILL wish that my stbxh would get fixed! Go to counseling, choose to be my partner, a great dad, etc. That probably won't happen and I should let go of the dream.

 

I will, just a little at a time. I'm really at a fork in the road.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

What a mess.

 

How are things going for you now?

[mazza32cott]

Hi guys this is the message I got from my ex today and we are 2 and a half years seperated and divorced:

I owe you $200 for maiternance.

 

I dont have a spare phone for chris.

I'll go halves in calculator will pay that and the $200 tomorrow.

Will pick boys up from school tomorrow to take to mums. What time and where.

I thought that i had paid enoeth through settlement and should not have to pay for the kids. What is the value of rhodes rise to donne court.

Still want settlemet on maitnenace to be sorted.

 

OK now to decifer that, we have never gone through child support. He pays $100 a week for 2 children. He is an accountant. My youngest son lost his mobile last week and my oldest sone lost his calculator worth $170 which he needs for school.

 

When I seperated from my ex I gave him 50% off everything even though I had the kids. I didn't want the hassles. He feels hard done by because where I live a marina is going in and maybe the house will increase in value by quiet a bit. I have struggled so hard to keep this house. He has gone on 3 trips overseas, I have done nothing, but work. My work load has gone down and it looks like (i hope not) that I might have to sell the house because I can't afford the mortgage. He knows this and he still sent this email.

 

He is self centred and doesn't care about me at all......

 

Yet he still continues to depress me....

 

 

Is that what you want?

 

Maz

[debilou]

I want to be free, to feel nothing for him, this will take time. The weekends are the worst. How did I do this to myself?

 

I didn't go to court to keep the restraining order in effect. I found out that it would be in forced for a year. That was too hard for me. Yes, I'm addicted to this man. I don't want to be. I'm in counseling. I've read one book on domestic violence. I read "The Gift of Fear". Everyone should read that one.

 

I have such a long way to go. I have to find me. I have to let go of this sick relationship. I have to be a good example of adulthood for my children. I'm on the verge of tears right now.

 

I'm not angry. I'm doing better. I have a great job I love. The attorney called yesterday. I'll be going in next week to finish up the paperwork and get him served.

 

I go Thursday to give a statement to the state's attorney about the felony charge. It's up to them how they handle it. I have no control over the charges.

 

The counselor urged me to have NO CONTACT with him. I am like a moth to a flame. I explained to the counselor that my stbxh has never hit me or even tried to. He told me he didn't have to hit me because he controls me so easily emotionally.

 

What now? After the divorce is final I will most likely move closer to where my parents moved. About 2 hours away from here. That will be good for me. I do so much better if I don't have to see or hear him.

 

I'm really a strong person, just weak for him. I guess my parents get the thank you for that crap. I am co dependent, a rescuer, a great mom, hard working, intelligent. Maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up!

 

Pity party in process.

 

Mazz, does your x live near you?

 

LJ, I'm ok. I just feel a little like I've wasted the majority of my life. The counselor says I can't look at it that way. He says I have to learn from this. I will.

 

Thanks guys, Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by debilou

After the divorce is final I will most likely move closer to where my parents moved. About 2 hours away from here. That will be good for me. I do so much better if I don't have to see or hear him.

 

Is there any kind of legal restriction that stops you from doing that now?

 

It might be easier to do before custody/visitation agreements are made than afterward.

 

Just a thought.

 

I just feel a little like I've wasted the majority of my life. The counselor says I can't look at it that way. He says I have to learn from this.

 

I felt like that too....during the difficult times. There's not a whole lot that I can say to comfort you in that regard. It's pretty easy to be rational about it in a cerebral way, and recognise that you made the best choices available to you at the time. There really isn't much wiggle room for second-guessing at this point.

 

But that's not how it feels when the one you loved has flaked out on you.

 

It'll get better in time. There's no where to go but UP, when you've reached the bottom, right?

[debilou]

I've almost finished my second book on domestic violence. Hmmm.

 

I see everything that's happened with him in these books, almost anyway. He hasn't physically attacked me. Thank God!

 

I'm learning everything I can. I'm still in counseling. He wants me to have NO contact with stbxh. Not easy. I'm like an alcoholic, I fall off the wagon. Easy to do when there are kids involved.

 

I should have an appointment with the attorney this week. Then he'll be served. His mom doesn't want me to serve him. She thinks he'll handle it poorly. I ofcourse want to rescue him but I KNOW it's out of my hands. I have to respect myself. My kids. We need financial security. Right now we have none.

 

I changed shifts with my job. Miraculous! They start school Thursday. I went to the new pm shift yesterday. It's 5:45pm until about 10:30pm. I'm able to get them to school now. I don't have to hope the stbxh will help out. He's completely unreliable and loves for me to have to depend on him.

 

We've talked a couple of times over the last 2 weeks on the phone. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Still blaming me. He doesn't understand why I called 911. I guess he lives in more denial than myself.

 

I gave a deposition to the state's attorney last Thursday. She said because he didn't physically attack me that the felony charge would most likey be dropped to a misdemeanor. He will probably get anger management classes and alcohol treatment program requirements.

 

It's all up to him how he handles his life. The whole thing just leaves me wondering how it got to this point ? ? ?

 

I'm getting better. Lonely. But less than before. I actually like having alone time. With the kids still out of school I don't get much of it.

 

The kids are doing well. Both are ready for school to start. I have hight hopes of a better school year. Last school year is when our life was turned upside down.

 

Thanks guys!

 

Debilou

[debilou]

So he came over today to mow. That was big of him. He seems to be avoiding me. I went out to pick up and waved to him but he ignored me. I put a stack of mail in his truck with a post it note attached saying "thanks for mowing the yard".

 

He left. I looked out the garage and he had put 2 credit card bills on my car. I guess that means he's not paying them.

 

He should be getting served this week. I work about 22-24 hours a week. I have a car payment, electric bill, phone bill, groceries, the list goes on. He has given me about $400 in the last month.

 

He took out his 401K, received a $30,000 check. He paid off his truck and other bills he chose to. I guess he feels the rest is up to me. What turnip truck did he fall off of?

 

He is SOOOOO in for the shock of his life when the judge tells him how the real world operates. I have tried (NOT recently) to explain to him what his financial responsibilities will be but he doesn't believe me.

 

The counselor told me it's not my job to educate him.

 

He came over about an hour or so after he finished mowing to use the computer. The kids weren't home. I got sooooo nervous. I tried to make small talk. He seems to enjoy ignoring me. After about 15 minutes of feeling really awkward I went to the living room and continued reading my book. He finished up his business and left.

 

I guess the counselor was right when he told me "it's all about the head game for him". I feel like I've wasted my love and life on someone so undeserving of me.

 

I know, move on. I just have to whine to you guys. It somehow makes me feel a little better after I complain here.

 

Thanks, Debilou

[Mz. Pixie]

Question??

 

How did he withdraw from his 401K without your signature??

 

It's a law that you have to sign- FEDERAL. If he signed your name or had someone else sign it he could be in big trouble!

[Ladyjane14]

Why is he still free to come and go in your house? He doesn't pay any bills there anymore.

 

I think if you changed the locks and told him to "go away", he wouldn't have much of a leg to stand on. He did abandon the home, his wife, and his children for all intents and purposes.

 

If he's acting like a bum, why aren't you treating him like one?

 

There's never been ANY accountability for this guy. It's no wonder he's still coming and going as he pleases.

 

 

 

 

p.s. I'm grumpy. Can you tell?

[debilou]

LJ,

 

You can be anything with me, I just love to know you're listening to me and giving my your honest thoughts! ! !

 

You're right. The counselor has URGED me to change the relationship. It's difficult for me to emotionally, physically or otherwise "lock him out of our lives".

 

I don't understand my permissive ways. I'm reading all sorts of self help. Lately by Alice Miller, "The truth will set you free", "The trauma of the gifted child". I have to go deep into me to figure out how to keep this disrespecting man away from my heart. I haven't gotten there yet.

 

I did see the attorney yesterday to finish the paperwork to get him served. That should happen next week. I expect more drama when he get's served.

 

The counselor has told me that I've NEVER given him consequences to his actions, I've always let him off too easily. Ok, I'm a pushover.

 

I'm working on ME. It will take time.

 

Ms. Pixie,

 

The 401K thing? I've told the attorney, she didn't blink an eye so I guess it's no big deal. He has other retirement with him previous job. I know when it's all said and done I won't be left empty handed. It's just a matter of time.

 

Thanks guys, you're more support than you know.

 

Debilou

[debilou]

Interesting weekend. I'm kayaking in beautiful _______ _______ Sunday afternoon. The stbxh calls to tell me he's moving me out of the house I live in. Where does this come from? ? ? I'm 2 hours from home. I don't react, yea for me. He's completely irrational. What a surprise ! ! !

 

I have 3 voice mails from him on my cell telling me how he's packing my things up.

 

When I do come home much later that day, it's true all my clothes from the dressers are in a garbage bag. I guess at some point reality kicked in and he stopped his crazy antics. He had obviously taken out all of my hanging clothes because they were in different places.

 

Today I bought new locks for the doors. He WILL get served this week. I also went to the counselor today and got rave reviews about how I handled the stbxh's drama.

 

I expect a whole lot more from him when he gets served and when he realizes I finally changed the locks.

 

I have a 24 year old male friend, I've known him and his family from church for many years. He will be coming over at least once a week to spend a couple of hours with the boys. Not a babysitter but more of a big brother. Last night was his first night and the boys loved him. He came over after I left for work and left before I got home. He played x box and just hung out for about 2 hours.

 

My kids need a positive male figure in their lives. He's recently out of the military. He was in Iraq. Generally a great kid for my kids to talk to.

 

Now, imagine when the stbxh finds out about this guy spending time with his boys. He will obviously imagine all sorts of unrealistic things. That's his nature.

 

Ok, I'm ready for the fall out. I've gotten strong enough to face the junk he gives me. I know, I shouldn't listen to any of it and I probably won't. But, I'm not afraid of him or his outbursts anymore! That's a huge step forward for me.

 

I'll let you all know what happens next, sure to be full of more drama.

 

Debilou

[dgiirl]

Debilou, I'm proud of you! Congratulations

 

They say it's illegal for you to change the locks on your home, but I say screw that. My safety comes first above anything else! If your stbxh is anything like mine, he's going to be hurt and mad that you did this "behind his back". He's also repeatedly told me that legally he can break into the house and I should be grateful he hasnt yet. I see this as a threat and I tell him I dont appreciate threats. That usually stops him in his tracks. Do be careful. Your stbxh will probably be furious and who knows what he's capable of. However, dont let him scare you into not doing what you know is right! Protect yourself and dont back down.

[Ladyjane14]

Good job on setting some boundaries and NOT allowing yourself to react emotionally. Way to go!

 

Is it possible for you to call your local police department and put them on advance notice? Just let them know ahead of time that your husband has been behaving erratically and that you no longer feel safe?

[debilou]

Well, the boys told him about Sam and ofcourse he overracted. Not unusual.

 

I did talk him down. It goes against everything the counselor wants me to do but I do what feels right. We talked Tuesday night. He came over yesterday to mow. We talked a little more.

 

I guess he hasn't been served yet.

 

I asked him why he's suddenly being nice to me? He said he always wanted to be nice but my "sour phone calls" stopped that." I asked him if he was finished sowing his wild oats? His reply: "I didn't have any wild oats to sow." I said what about the date with _______? He said ok, that was a wild oat.

 

I told him if he wants a relationship with me he "has to fix himself!". No urging him to do anything.

 

I'm finally to the point of taking care of me. It's about time. Obviously the boys are most important but I KNOW I've got to be happy with me in order to give them what they need.

 

I feel better about myself than I have in, I actually can't think of a time. I'm 42. I'm not looking for romantic love. I'm looking to live a happy, fun filled life. My boys are 15 and 10. I had a step dad. I don't want my kids to have to put up with that. I know that's a far off situation and I over analyze it but that's my nature! I want less Jerry Springer and more calm.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Debilou

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by debilou

I had a step dad. I don't want my kids to have to put up with that.

 

I was saying the same thing. I had a step-father who was a monster. But life tailors things in a funny way, it likes to surprise us. I met a wonderful man who loves my children and they love him so much that they prefer his company to their own dad's. And they love their dad too. Of course it would be different if they lived together, but my BF's twin brother adopted his second wive's daughter although he had one on his own and they have a little son now too. So it's possible to find a man who will love your boys especially if they are good boys. You just don't settle for less than that!

[debilou]

My step dad wasn't a monster. I guess it was important that my kids had what I didn't. An entact family. It takes 2 parents to want that and obviously only one of us does.

 

He was served on August 26. And ofcourse he came straight to my house to rant and rave about the demands my attorney made. I explained to him that that is how it starts and then we negotiate. He must live in an alter universe. I've tried to educate him about how the courts see things for almost a year now and he still just doesn't get it.

 

I don't think he ever will.

 

I read another good book. "What to do when love goes wrong, and nothing you can do is right". It's about leaving a controlling partner. Not necessarily physically abusive but emotionally and mentally. Funny thing for me my controlling partner left me. Hmmm.

 

I'm reading "Honoring the Self" by Nathaniel Branden. Good so far.

 

Still in counseling. Every other week now.

 

I was asked out last Friday but I declined and explained that I wouldn't date until my divorce is final. I'm really happy with that idea. I used to want to date but now I want to discover who I really am. All I've been for so long is a servant to an unhappy king.

 

I know I shouldn't look at it that way but it's really hard to not feel I've wasted 22 years on a man completely unworthy!

 

He abandoned me and our kids. He doesn't give me a penny and expects me to walk away from the marriage with nothing. Haaaaa! ! !

 

Bring it on, I'm ready to fight for me and my kids!

 

Yes folks, the anger has finally come to visit. And I don't feel guilty about it either.

 

I believe that I will not marry again. I believe I will NEVER put my money and possessions with another man again. I have been taken advantage of for far too long. Maybe this is just a stage we all go through. Time will tell.

 

Don't feel sorry for me guys. I'm getting stronger every day. I have alot to offer this world and my boys. We're getting by. I will be happy when the courts give their dad a dose of reality with the alimony and child support. He deserves a big kick in the butt.

 

One line in the book "When Love Goes Wrong" is: He cares more about himself than he does you or anyone else. That was a real light bulb moment for me. I finally saw the self centered pig I married. It's true, all his actions scream that he only cares about himself! I hope he makes himself happy.

 

He has until Sept 14 to respond to the papers. I'm expecting the worst. This won't be fun but I didn't choose it.

 

Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

I know I shouldn't look at it that way but it's really hard to not feel I've wasted 22 years on a man completely unworthy!

 

It would probably be weird if you didn't feel that way from time to time. Try not to worry yourself over it too much. You did what you could, working with what you had. And at the minimum.....you learned ALOT.

 

You sound pretty good though. Alot more resolved and comfortable in your desision-making.

 

The guy flaked out. Not only on you, but on his entire family. You did what you had to do. He didn't leave you any alternatives.

[debilou]

I hate the question that goes through my head at least every day: "What happened to the "man" I thought I married?"

 

How can a father live 3 miles away from his 2 boys and make no attempt to be in their lives?

 

I wish I could let all these thoughts go. I want to move on mentally and emotionally but it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. His choices over the last year completely stun me!

 

I guess I need to realize these things happen to people every day and make the best of it. Weekends are the worst.

 

Wednesday will be 20 days from when he was served. That's the deadline for him to respond to the demands I made. Oh joy, let the fun begin!

 

Just needed to ask why? to everyone who listens to the rambling. I don't want to hear things like "oh you're so great for being such a strong example to your kids" or "he'll regret his actions one day". I just need to understand what went wrong.

 

I know that won't happen, I know there's no way to get into his head. Is there a book out there that explains why some people go off the deep end? If there is tell me what the name of it is so I can free myself from the never ending questions.

 

Debilou

[Jerkalert]

You never married a man to begin with. A man would face up to his responsibilities. How was his relationship with his parents? There's no reason to try to get an explanation. It doesn't change the fact that he neglects the people who love him. What does that really say about him now?

[debilou]

I know I married a loser. I often ask myself: "why are you concerned with having him out of your life, he made more of a mess of it being around". Those are the times I feel ok. Other times I dream about him and his new life.

 

I know time heals all wounds. I just wonder do other people obsess over leaving a bad relationship?

 

I'll be ok. I'm just confused and sad. I think the money, when and if it comes, will make things a lot better. I'm referring to child support and alimony.

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

Debilou