Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by debilou Gee, I feel like I've just been chastised by my mom. :laugh: Well, like I said before.....as long as you're kicking him out of the bed when you're done with him! Seriously, are you doing any sort of "Plan"? I think there's room for SF in Plan A, but you're giving out mixed messages if you're in Plan B...or....Plan D. It's your feelings that are at risk. If you're in a place where you can handle it...then why not? Just make sure you don't wear your heart on your sleeve with a WH. Wayward spouses aren't trustworthy.
Author debilou Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 There's no plan for me, I'm too impulsive and emotional. He seems to want to change the tone of our relationship. Great, as long as I'm not sharing him with anyone else. He broke my heart months ago. I can't say I see any chance of reconciliation. I don't trust anything about him. I was just REAL happy that he's finally getting the counseling he needs. The marital relations I referred to previously was sex, just sex, not love making. But hey, I did enjoy it. I wrote a letter to him today explaining a few things like household stuff, bills, etc. And I added a nice paragraph about how in 2 weeks it's fathers day and that I think he should plan on getting his kids Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 6pm. And that he should plan on getting his kids regularly. He's only had both boys 1 weekend in 8 months. Our oldest has stayed with him probably 4 or 5 other times but our 10yo would rather be with mom. He's had the best of both worlds. That paragraph about getting the kids really pissed him off! ! ! Oh well, that's what happens when people get divorced. He's on such a power trip. Good luck, huh? I would love to work on our marriage but it takes 2 people to work at the same thing. My stbxh has so many issues. Our broken marriage is a symptom of them. I know I have issues too, I just would love to have my family intact. Life goes on. I'm ready for some real fun! Thanks, Debilou
mazza32cott Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Hi. I was married for 18 years and was absolutely devastated when the relationship broke up. It took a long time to get over it. My ex was a very sleazy person so I have heard from people since our breakup. We had loads of problems. trust, I wasn't interested in sex with him anymore, he treated me badly etc... In the end it is not so much the reason but the reality that it is over. Are you still living together??? You can do it. I think you should make the decision for yourself. You are worthy of love. Let go of a relationship that is not good so that you can move on. The sooner you do it the better off. It takes time, it took me a good year but now my boys and I are happy. Still don't have anyone but I sure am having fun. lol Maz
Author debilou Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 Maz, My husband moved out on his 40th birthday in October. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster. This site has been great for me and my scrambled thoughts! ! ! We're in individual counseling. I can let go of this marriage. This really dysfunctional relationship. I just want to have NO regrets! I deserve to have a partner to share my life with. I know I can move on to happier things. Father's Day weekend I have reservations for camping at this great park here in Florida. I'll be camping in a tent all by myself. Well, me and the Dog! I'm thrilled about it. My stbxh wouldn't camp in a tent~EVER! It's my turn to do what I want to do! I look forward to finding out what really makes me happy! Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to know that people have lived through this hell of divorce. Debilou
dgiirl Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by debilou Father's Day weekend I have reservations for camping at this great park here in Florida. I'll be camping in a tent all by myself. Well, me and the Dog! I'm thrilled about it. My stbxh wouldn't camp in a tent~EVER! It's my turn to do what I want to do! I look forward to finding out what really makes me happy! Oh debilou, do tell me how it goes?? I'm really tempted to go camping by myself too. I dont have a dog to keep me company tho, so I'm a bit scared to do it. I'm tempted to go visit my friend who lives in another city. I dont want to impose myself at her place (there's too many people there as it is), so was thinking of going camping near by.
Author debilou Posted June 10, 2005 Author Posted June 10, 2005 Days like this I hate being a woman. It's those pre menstrual hormones. I'm sad and full of tears. My 15 yo son decided to move in with dad last Sunday. We did need a break from each other. He's being a typical disrespectful teenager. So, ofcourse I feel like a failure again. My 10 yo still thinks I'm the greatest. I have a few years with him before he turns into the alien. LOL My stbxh came by because of paperwork, house insurance, etc. We tried to talk and as always, "he didn't leave me for the OW". He offers me no emotional support. I set myself up for a hard fall. I never really know what happened. Or what is happening. I'm really ok when I don't have the PMS thing going on. Life is too hard for us girls. Not fair. I know I have to be patient. Time will tell all tales. I have so much self doubt right now. My heart hurts. I just want to go far away from all this crap. Not that easy. I'm having a pity party, anybody want to join? ? ? Debilou
dgiirl Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by debilou Days like this I hate being a woman. It's those pre menstrual hormones. I'm sad and full of tears. Heh, that was me this last weekend. Check out my thread on "Scared I wont find someone better." Truely a pity party embarssing thread We tried to talk and as always, "he didn't leave me for the OW". He offers me no emotional support. I set myself up for a hard fall. I never really know what happened. Or what is happening. I'm really ok when I don't have the PMS thing going on. I feel for you It's so hard to listen to everything our stbxh says. They dont love us, never did, and so it's not the ow fault. BS. If that was really true, why didnt they leave before meeting the ow. It makes me sick how they twist the truth to make themselves feel better I honestly dont care about the OW. If she believes his lies, or if she knew what was going on and still went after a married man, then she deserves him. If he's the type of man who just walks out on his wife without trying to make the marriage work, then I dont want him. I want a loyal caring man. I know I have to be patient. Time will tell all tales. I have so much self doubt right now. My heart hurts. I just want to go far away from all this crap. Not that easy. As my friend is telling me now, seems like my divorce is going to take a while before it's actually final. Do as much as I can to further the progress along, but when there's things out of your control, take the time to enjoy life. I'm having a pity party, anybody want to join? ? ? I'll bring the ice cream and chips!
Author debilou Posted June 11, 2005 Author Posted June 11, 2005 I am such a sucker. Why can't I see what's really going on~oh yea, I don't really want to! I want to believe my stbxh is just having a mid life crisis, etc. But I guess now I have one more example of the truth. As I said previously, my oldest son moved in with dad last Sunday. Well, I guess that puts a dent in his extra curricular activities. He wanted to know if I was getting him for the weekend. I said "ofcourse I will, he can move back home now, I never wanted him to leave, I never wanted you to leave!" Long story short, I went to his house to get our son around 8:30. We all talked about the living arrangements. About the next weekend. I told him I was going camping alone. I offered for him and the boys to come with me, they could rent a hotel nearby. They thought that was a great idea. I'm the only one who wants to camp in a tent. I love the whole ambiance of the park. It's great! Well, we came home. For the first time I checked on him. I went to his house (he lives only 3 miles away) to get my son's Rx around 10:15. Big surprise~he wasn't home. Hot date? ? ? I know that's prime time for the bar scene to get going. Anyway, why can't he just leave me alone and go full throttle with the OW or other women! I asked him today~no correction~I told him I have to know that I am the only person he's sleeping with. He says I am. I guess I have idiot written all over my face. I'm so tempted to call the OW and tell her he's still sleeping with me. I won't. I need to just leave him alone and realize I'm losing NOTHING but a jerk! I've read "Love Must be Tough". I get it. I've tried to do everything it says. I don't think he's capable of telling the truth. It's his loss. I'm sure I'll retract the offer to spend next weekend with me. He's so obvious. He wants to make sure I don't meet anyone else while he has the boys. Remember, he's been gone for 8 months and has had our boys 1 weekend. Time to get serious about the reality of divorce. He can't have it both ways. Why does it hurt so much? ? ? Debilou
Author debilou Posted June 16, 2005 Author Posted June 16, 2005 Friday night at 3 am our electricity went out. We were hit pretty hard last year with the hurricanes so I decided to go to Wal Mart to get supplies. I couldn't sleep anyway. Ofcourse I went by his house first to see if he was home and he wasn't. I know he's seeing the blonde he left me for. He swears they were just friends and yes I wanted to believe him. I see the truth now. It all makes sense. I called him at 3:30am to tell him the invitation for he and the boys to spend with me was off. It makes me sick to think I've exposed myself to whatever the skank has he's doing. He waited until Wednesday to try to talk to me. I had no part of it. I saw the counselor on Tuesday. He's so great. He told me to try to not have contact with him for 30 days. He says my H makes me crazy, keeps me running in circles. It's true. My H knows I want my marriage and my family. I do, but I won't share him with the blonde or anyone else. I have to respect myself. I leave tomorrow for camping alone. Going by myself was never an issue. I invited him so he wouldn't think I was going to be with someone else. He doesn't trust me because of what he's doing. I've been in a sick relationship for far too lone. It's time to find myself. My oldest son moved in with his dad almost 2 weeks ago. That's been pretty hard for me. More rejection. I understand it's age appropriate but still I feel like my world is being torn apart. I still have my little guy who thinks I'm great. I'll check in after the weekend to let you know how it went. I'm excited to be getting away. Debilou
Ladyjane14 Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Hopefully, the time alone and the change of scenery will make you feel a little better. It'll give you some time to yourself to think about what you really want. You've been swinging back and forth on this for a long time. All the while dealing with not only uncertainty, but anger as well. Maybe you'll find some serenity, camping out....without all the regular, daily stress? Don't forget to have some fun, while you're doing all that heavy thinking!
Haunani Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Hi Debilou, I've been reading your posts and just want to say to keep your chin up and do what you need to do to get yourself healthy. I know it isn't easy, I come from a dysfunctional marriage too, 20 years and still here and miserable wishing for something easier than the D word. It's so unfortunate that it seems the person you married for better or worst, in the end when things get so bad, you can't believe this is the same person you married to begin with. What ever happened to that person that was replaced by an alien specie? Keep your head strong and clear Deb for you and the kids. I am wishing I had more of your gusto.
mazza32cott Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Hi Debilou, It's me again the one that was married for 18 years (2 children) and seperated from my ex. I left my ex and believe me it was the worst time of my life. It would have been easier to go back. But I didn't and I am much happier now. Your ex sounds similar to mine. Selfish, self centred, a liar, never taking the blame and blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his life. Think about it......Do you really want someone like that? I know it is hard but one day you will be happy. Stay with the man and you will probably never be happy just older. Move on as hard as it is and cut the ties with him. You deserve the best... Maz
Author debilou Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Thanks so much for all of your encouragement. I had a great weekend. It rained all day Saturday but had fun times in spite of it. I go to counseling today. I wish now that my stbxh wasn't seeing the same counselor. I have questions for him but I'm afraid he won't be entirely honest with his opinions. The weekend brought new drama to light. Basically I think my H wants to see if he's missed something being married but has no intentions of letting me find out what's out there. It's a good thing it's not up to him what I do with my life. He still hasn't been served. I have A LOT of paperwork to fill out to get things started. I'm at a real fork in the road in my life. Not sure what's coming next. I'll keep you updated. Debilou
Author debilou Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 I learned something new in counseling yesterday. When your significant other goes off on you it's called "projecting". Before I left Friday my stbxh said things like "I hope you get aids from your boyfriend and DIE!". I handled it really well, no reaction. This is where the counselor gave me the projecting thing. He said he's taking it out of himself and putting it on me. That explains a lot of the crap that's been coming out of his mouth these last 8 or so months. I'm an Oprah and Dr. Phil fan but I've never heard about projecting. Seems interesting. The counselor wants me to disengage from my H. Not easy. He explained to me that I engage him as much as he engages me. We have a sick relationship. My H wants me to believe that he's not seeing the blonde from his previous job. I don't know what to believe. The counselor wants me to not think about my marriage. Just be in neutral. My parents moved this week. They were living behind us and helping me with the boys. Now their dad is helping a lot more with them, especially since our oldest one moved in with him about 3 weeks ago. Life is really changing for me. I feel relieved that my parents are gone. I love them but 2 hours away is better for everyone. I should start night shift (5pm to 10pm) on Monday. I had to do this because my parents were the ones getting the boys off to school. Now that my oldest is living with his dad who's gonna take care of the 10 year old when I work? Perhaps dad? Funny how things work out. Remember my H said "ILYBINILWY" and "I'm not sure I want you and the boys". I only wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future. Just venting here. I really am having good moment right now. I miss my boys but I'm enjoying my time alone. Thanks, Debilou
Author debilou Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Hi everyone! So do you really know who your friends are? Once again, color me surprised, stunned, shocked. My stbxh lives in our old house. Behind him lives my xsil. I've known her since I was 7. She was married to my brother 30 years ago. I just need to get this off my chest. I'm soooooo hurt. The boys were with their dad for the 2nd time this past weekend. I asked my 10 yo who was at their house for the fireworks. Thinking he would name the kids from the neighborhood. Then he said my xsil and her friend and her friends son. I had that gut instinct and I said the friends name and he said "yes". I said "is she going to be your dad's new girlfriend?". He grinned really big and was embarrassed and said "I don't know". I handled it really well. I went outside and called my xsil and said "if I ask you a question will you tell me the truth?". Her reply was "what are you gonna ask me?". That gave it away. I asked her if she was setting up my stbxh and her friend and she explained it like this: They both asked about each other and I told ______ (my stbxh) that if he were interested in dating her friend it would have to be ok for Debi to date. I have told her everything from the beginning. She has urged me to divorce my H from the start. She thinks he's a waste of my time. Or does she? I suddenly feel like I have no idea what the truth is. She has bashed him. But it seems as though she's been playing both sides of the fence. Oh yea, the cherry on the cake. Her friend had an affair, left her kids with her husband, he's still raising them. Remember my stbxh has trust issues with me. He's interested in a woman who is what he believes I am. I know I'll rise above it. It just breaks my heart that people can manipulate me so easily. I'm reading "The Gift of Change" and "Controlling People". They seem to be just what I need. I checked them out of the library before I got the new development. Just last week in counseling, the counselor asked me about my support system. I counted my friends that I feel I tell anything to and she was one of them. Life is full of surprises. I've always known she is very controlling but this blows me away. And to have her around the kids. This is the 2nd time her friend has been mentioned by the boys. The first time I thought nothing of it. But yesterday it became clear. I realize my stbxh deserves what he gets. An adulterer. I just didn't think my xsil would be the bridge. Am I over reacting? Thanks for your support. Feeling pretty low. Debilou
Author debilou Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 BTW, my oldest son is back home. His dad started working at his new business last Wednesday. My stbxh didn't tell our son he had to come home it just kinda worked out that way. That's how he is, he won't be up front about needing his own space to pursue his women. He just takes the easy way out. When my son came home I asked him if his dad talked to him about where he was gonna be living and he said "no". I would rather my son be with me. I just wanted my H to have to be truthful. He always seems to get around it. I'm ok, just a little sad that I can't see what's going on most of the time. Debilou
Author debilou Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 I asked my 10 yo a few questions about the weekend. It seems they all had a big get together/pool party. My xsil doesn't have kids but her current boyfriend does. Her friend brought her son. My stbxh had our boys. I had just told my xsil that I was having it put in the divorce papers that we couldn't have our children around boyfriends/girlfriends until the divorce is final. Is she stupid? Does she think I wouldn't find out? She must have real issues with boundaries, truth, integrity. This is not even about my stbxh on the hunt for his next victim but about my so called friend being his party buddy now. How can she justify this? Her friend works at the Y, we're members of the Y, he goes to the Y. She DIDN"T have to be the go between. They didn't have to involve our kids. I'm sick, just sick with confusion. Is anyone else as stunned as myself? Debilou
mazza32cott Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 What is happening to you is exactly what I have been through. It is an extremely difficult situation. Unfortunately when seperation occurs you lose some friends. My ex actually told all our friends that they had to choose. We have been seperated for 2 and a half years and divorced for nearly 6 months. I went out on Saturday night. He is away in Bali. I bumped into an old friend © who we both knew. I said hello and started to chat. C was sitting near a couple of girls. One of the girls was interested in him and asked me how long I had known him for. I said years and then she asked if I knew my ex.... I said oh yes I have met him a couple of times. She then let me know the girl sitting next to her was his girlfriend and she asked me how good looking he was. I said he was OK (lol would have liked to say something else. Anyhow, his gf must have recognised me from photos as the next thing I get an sms from the ex who is in Bali saying ...."get out of my f....n life, leave the party now." I sent one back saying "and what party am I supposed to be at" About 20 minutes later I got an sms saying sorry...wrong info. I sent one bag saying lose my number you are a w....r. I have never interfered with my ex life and have no intention to do so however he interfered in mine all the time. My advice to you, and I know it is hard, get on with your own life. He has a right to move on with his. As much as you hate the kids being around his gf you cannot stop it and the courts will not let you put that in the papers. My ex tried that one on me. Sorry, but it can't be done. Maz
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Well, honey....that's sad. I think it's pretty clear that your former SIL is not acting in your best interest. Ordinarily, I'd say write her off, but damn....you've known her since you were babies. Maybe you should call her on the carpet, and ask for a better explanation. She definately owes you one. It's not her place to give your husband permission to date, no matter what kind of deal she's thinking to procure for you. Anyway, I still think you should Plan B his sorry butt. He's NEVER had a taste of what life without you would be like. And you just keep taking on more damage in continued contact with him. Who knows, you might like Plan B so well....you might continue it for a LIFETIME. (Oh, and if you do somehow make up with SIL.....I wouldn't give her ANY further info of an important nature. Small talk only. Geez....what could she have been thinking?! )
dgiirl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 I've actually been blessed to keep our friends separate. If I do talk to any mutual friends, I make it clear to them that it's not my place to bash him in front of them. I try my best to do it, but sometimes it's hard. There's one couple who said they wanted to stay in contact, and we shared a few emails, but now I havent heard from them. I understand how difficult it must be for them, and in fact, it's even harder on me because I'm forced to keep a secret from them. Sometimes, it's just best to keep your distance. I wish them the best of luck and hope for the future, but at the moment, I cant remain in contact because it hurts too much. I have no ill feelings towards them, but sometimes things are not meant to be. And the emotions are still raw. Maybe in a year or two from now, I can hook up with them again via email. If your SIL is making you upset, maybe it's time to take a break from her as well. I noticed that the couple reminds me of what I wanted my life with my stbxh to be. So anytime I had contact with them, I was reminded of my stbxh and started crying. If your SIL reminds you of your old life, then take a break? You need to find a new life with new friends.
Author debilou Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Maybe I didn't make it clear. She was married to MY brother 30 years ago. She has urged me to divorce my H since he left. She called him psycho, mentally ill, etc. I also failed to mention she had an affair with a married man. My oldest son thinks she's after his dad. Whatever. I saw the counselor this morning. His bottom line is that anyone who has an affair with a married person is scum and cannot be trusted. I will learn from this. My issue is that she's been getting information from me consistently, acting like she cares about my best interests and that's the last thing that's been going on. The reason I brought up the agreement about the no OW/OM around the boys until the divorce is final is because I read it at marriage builders. I haven't talked to my attorney about it. He still hasn't been served. I'm doing Plan B. I have a great counselor. He's the best. I'm learning a lot from him and the books. I'll survive. I just have to learn from this. The counselor urged me to not date until I fully get past all this stuff. Until I've become a whole person. Until I've grown, etc. Ok. No problem. Debilou
dgiirl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Ah, I was a bit confused Sorry if my previous post was a bit harsh. In any case, I dont think she's a very good friend. Just implement NC on her lol Seriously tho, she's not helping you feel better and in fact seems to have her own agenda in all of this. Not cool at all, and you dont really need her. Just learn the lesson and move on. I agree with the not dating. I dont think either one of us is ready yet. That does NOT mean we cannot go out and meet new people tho. I think it would be good for you (and me), to actually get out and meet new people with new ideas on the world. It helps build your own confidence that you can make friends and be a good friend to someone else. Just dont get into any serious relationships.
Author debilou Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Dgirl, Nothing you say will offend me, I'm just so happy someone really cares. It's tough being in this pit. The counselor also told me I should have people earn my trust as opposed to giving it freely until I see they don't deserve it. He said having trust is a good character trait. I know I'm good and lovable. I'll go on to better things one day. I have to take this one day at a time. Good luck to you, girlfriend. It's all about the karma and you have the good stuff! Debilou
Author debilou Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 And about the xsil, definitely NO CONTACT! ! ! That goes without saying. She's lost everything she ever had with me, and most of it was pity. The counselor said it was probably the rescuer in me that let her in. I tried to counsel her when she was having the affair with the married man. I tried to make her see how wrong it was FOR her. That she deserved more. Look where my "good deed" got me. Still, it's about me trying to a good thing for someone. I'll continue to do that, I just won't do it for scum sucking adulterer pigs with an agenda! A little anger never hurt anyone. Besides I have a whole weekend ahead of me to plan a fun filled 2 days with my boys! Thinking of tubing down Rainbow River. Yea, it's a real place about 15 minutes from my mom's new house! Time heals all wounds. I'm getting tougher everyday! Debilou
dgiirl Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by debilou Nothing you say will offend me, I'm just so happy someone really cares. It's tough being in this pit. I'm down in this pit with you and I know what your feeling. It sucks that we have to experience this, but it is definitely making me reevaluate everything in my life. If it didnt hurt so much, it really is a fascinating event in my life. Not the best event, but definitely a defining moment of who I am. Be proud of who you are and take care of yourself. We all make mistakes but if we can learn from them, we can make a better life for us and for others. The counselor also told me I should have people earn my trust as opposed to giving it freely until I see they don't deserve it. He said having trust is a good character trait. I dont think being too trusting is a bad thing. I trust people up until they give me a reason not too. Then they're out of my life. I usually give one chance to make a mistake, but if they keep doing what they do, then it's time to cut off the relationship, or atleast the trust. I know I'm good and lovable. I'll go on to better things one day. I have to take this one day at a time. I know you will! You've shown a lot of strength and courage on these message boards. You will get through it. I just hate the rollercoaster of emotions, but eventually one day it'll stop. Things are getting better as each day passes. It's all about the karma and you have the good stuff! You know, that really touches my heart, thank you! My stbxh was a big believer in karma and basically told me I deserved everything that was about to happen to me. And frankly, a lot of GOOD has happened since he left. I've been blessed with an amazing support system and just unbelievable generosity from the unexpected people. Even complete strangers! I do believe in karma now. When something bad happens to you, you'll get repayed in the most unexpected ways if you just open your heart and appreciate it. Dont lose yourself when something bad happens. Try and do the best you can and forgive yourself when you do lose control. It's human. Still, it's about me trying to a good thing for someone. I'll continue to do that, I just won't do it for scum sucking adulterer pigs with an agenda! Doing good things for people is awesome. Just always remember that you come first and doing good things shouldnt compromise that. My stbxh is a martyr. He does everything for anybody, even if it pisses him off. He'll NEVER tell anyone that he's upset, and that's not healthy. I'm selfish because he doesnt know how to say no. Dont let people walk all over you by being nice. It's a balancing act. But you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. If you dont feel appreciated in your efforts, then you either speak up or stop doing the things. Otherwise you build up resentment. Had my stbxh spoken up and said something, I could have stopped doing whatever it was that was pissing him off. Instead, I was totally blindsighted by his request for a divorce. A little anger never hurt anyone. God bless you! lol I get angry and release it, and my stbxh get's angry and keeps it all in. I've only seen him angry maybe 3 times in 8 years, and it was pretty scary. Besides I have a whole weekend ahead of me to plan a fun filled 2 days with my boys! Thinking of tubing down Rainbow River. Yea, it's a real place about 15 minutes from my mom's new house! Have a good time!! Keep staying strong for your boys. You are being a great role model for them.
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