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  • Author
Posted

Ladyjane and Devildog,

 

Thank you both so much for reading and responding to my broken heart. You both seem so wonderful. It actually feels like "I'm ok" when I read what you guys write.

 

The Plan B threat was straight out of frustration. It seems regardless of what I do or say it's not good enough or right! Sunday night was the first time he has hugged me that I FELT real love from him in a long time. He has told me repeatedly that "he doesn't know what he wants", and I believe him.

 

Waiting on someone to love you has proven to be more than I can take!

 

I go to counseling Thursday. Funny, that's all I look forward to now!

 

Debilou

Posted
Originally posted by debilou

Ladyjane and Devildog,

 

Thank you both so much for reading and responding to my broken heart. You both seem so wonderful. It actually feels like "I'm ok" when I read what you guys write.

 

debilou, that is a large part of why some of us come here. We start out with our own issues and end up helping others where we can. Be it through our own experiences or just the fact that it is easier to see the bigger picture when you are not in the middle of it. I am glad my advice can give you some measure of peace and hope.

 

It seems regardless of what I do or say it's not good enough or right! Sunday night was the first time he has hugged me that I FELT real love from him in a long time. He has told me repeatedly that "he doesn't know what he wants", and I believe him.

 

Sadly, the ones that come here for help are usually the victims of someone else's indecision and confusion. I know I have felt for a very long time that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I too could never do enough or do things well enough to please my STBXW. It is so frustrating. The truth is that if you are going to counseling and turning to places like LS for support and help you are making an effort to fix things, and if you are making an effort to fix things then chances are you are not the party who is failing your marriage.

 

I go to counseling Thursday. Funny, that's all I look forward to now!

 

Debilou

 

I defintely know that feeling. It is so helpful talking to someone who isn't judging you and to get some level of support from a neutral party. I know my counseling sessions have given me alot of insight into my situation and given me alot of peace accepting what I have no control over.

 

Just keep hanging in there debilou. In time the path will be obvious to you. Remember Nietche, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

Posted
Originally posted by debilou

 

Waiting on someone to love you has proven to be more than I can take!

 

You know, I honestly believe that there are times in our lives that the love is still there, but we are just unable to feel it. :( That's from my personal experience of having found myself so frustrated, resentful, and angry with my husband that I actually felt considerable surprise at the realization that I still really loved him. Very weird feeling, actually. :confused:

 

There are other times, that the love is just gone. From my vantage-point, here behind my keyboard, I can't tell what your particular situation is. (????)

 

You may still really love him. He may still really love you. Or not. :confused: Time will tell....if you can both just hang in there long enough. There's too much noise right now for you to hear your own hearts!

 

I think of two people treading water and trying not to drown when I read your posts. I think maybe neither of you is capable of helping the other right now, without going under yourselves. :(

 

Is it possible for you both to come to a MUTUAL AGREEMENT to give each other some time? If you are BOTH in trouble, and neither one can really help the other, then you'll each need to take the time and effort to help yourselves. In other words, you both have to SWIM FOR SHORE!

 

The knee-jerk reaction to 'Separation' is to either fix it NOW, or get a divorce. Is it possible for you to agree to wait on making those decisions? Can you each wait for the other to be in a healthier place? Can you each agree to spend your energy towards working on yourselves so that you can make those big decisions later?

 

It's hard to live in a state of limbo, and that's not really what I'm suggesting. What I'm thinking is that you both use that 'moving on' energy to make yourselves whole. It becomes active, something that you work at, and strive for.

 

Is this something that you could talk-over with your counselor? Is it something that your husband might agree to?

 

And Devildog has a good point, btw. You're already doing the 'work'. Don't beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself.

 

Deep breaths Sweetie! :)

  • Author
Posted

I don't know where to start. I had a wreck today, probably totaled my 14 yo truck! Couldn't bring myself to call the H. I called the people I know love me without conditions.

 

I'm not rushing to divorce, I just feel so empty and forgotten. I truly am healthier than ever before. I do find myself feeling the blame for "all things wrong". Realistically I know I'm only half the problem.

 

I hope my H goes to counseling, at least if he does I'll think there is a chance. He's just so caught up in his own misery. I honestly wasn't miserable until now. I'm generally a happy person.

 

I can't change my H so I don't even try. I concentrate on me. The wreck today just set me back a little. It was my fault. No one got hurt at least. I have to look at the positive side.

 

Thanks again guys!

Debilou

Posted

Sorry about your day... like you needed that.

 

 

I keep reminding myself of these three things:

 

1) "Only worry about the things that are in my control and accept the things that aren't. "

 

2) "Time heals all wounds... unless you pick at them."

 

3) "What good will come of that"

( only works if I think of this BEFORE I get angry and do something stupid - that's the plan anyway. )

 

 

If you can do this (sometimes easier said than done) it will help keep your stress level down.

 

Tomorrow will be better... it HAS to be.

 

Cheers.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for your concern. Maybe the truck isn't totaled after all. Gee, me jumping to the worst possible scenario, where did that come from ??? :rolleyes:

 

Today has been a better day.

 

We have counseling tonight and the H says he's going! Yea! :)

 

Time will tell. I'm ok for now.

 

Debilou

  • Author
Posted

My life is turning into a soap opera. Called the H at 4:55 to see if he was picking me up to go to counseling. His reply:"I was just about to call you, blah, blah, blah....."

 

Basically he chose not to go to counseling because he ran into his female cousin today, a meth rehab graduate. Unfortunately 2 people were recently arrested at her home for cooking methamphetamine. Now she needs a place to stay~and so she moved into his house!!!

 

Is this what my life has come to?? Is my H using meth?? Birds of a feather flock together. This would explain his recent melt down and rejection of his wife and children.

 

I called him this morning to ask if he was finished with counseling. "I don't know" was his answer. News flash, if he isn't willing to put a little effort into our marriage then he won't have to file for divorce I will!!

 

I have taken so much blame and punishment in the last 5 months for his misery. I know the truth is around the corner.

 

For the first time last night at counseling I was defending my H. In the past sessions the counselor always told me: "you overwhelm your H, you're too much for him, you need to relax and breathe". Ha! Time tells all tales! I pray to God he hasn't gone off the deep end and started using. I kinda think he's just being taken advantage of.

 

Regardless of his bad choices it's time I stand up for myself and put me and the kids first! I sound so brave, huh?

 

I'll keep ya posted. I truly believe I'm on the verge of the truth about all this drama and sadness.

 

Debilou

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Time does tell ALL tales!

 

I finally found out about the OW!

 

Ofcourse he doesn't admit that he's actually having an affair..."they're just friends"!

 

She works with him, is separated, he says, I don't know what the whole truth really is.

 

I plan to go to their job tomorrow and give her a bouquet of flowers with a card that says:

 

"If they'll do it with ya, they'll do it to ya!"

Sincerely, T*** R****'s Wife

 

I don't plan on being angry or making any kind of a scene. I have dignity and class. That's the classiest way I can think of to see her face to face. He says she works at the front desk.

 

I have spent 0 energy in trying to find out about the OW. It was through our almost 15 yo old son I found out. I married a jerk, a lying, deceitful scum bag.

 

It can only get better now. I'm better now. He has blamed me for everything for 5 long months. Without a doubt I am better off without him!

 

And yes you all were right about the "ILYBINILWY". I couldn't accuse him until I had all the evidence. All I've asked for was the truth and he still won't give me that!

 

Thanks everyone for your support and posts!

Debilou

  • Author
Posted

Wow what a difference 2 hours of sleep make. Forget that last post where I said I was going to their job to leave flowers.

 

They don't deserve my energy.

 

The only thing I will do is get my paperwork together to file for the divorce!

 

There is no other option. He has pointed the finger at me for 5 long months and all along it was a redneck that he works with. BTW my H is the furtherest thing from a redneck, or he was until he moved out. Now he wears cowboy boots, listens to country music, drinks, etc. Yea I saw the red flags but gave HIM the benefit of the doubt!

 

Debi

Posted

Well, that sucks. :( But it does explain alot.

 

I think it's so much better to know what the truth is though. It allows you a clearer perspective.

 

Be prepared for a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions. Don't get caught with your guard down about that, okay?

 

It'll help you to keep on going to individual counseling. You'll need someone you can talk with to help you sort through it all.

 

Hang in there.

  • Author
Posted

So what should I expect from him next? I'm ok right now.

 

I can honestly say that I won't file for a divorce immediately. What is wrong with me to want him back?

 

Yuck, it makes me sick just to think of trying to make it work when he has put me and the boys through he!!.

 

I guess I read previous posts to get an idea of whats gonna happen now.

 

It seems all these situations have the same tone. I'll be fine, life will go on.

 

Thanks Debi

Posted

debilou,

 

Do you keep a journal? I have been keeping one for nearly a year and it really helps keep things in perspective. Sometimes we are quick to want to remember the better times and tend to not want to think about the bad times. I think that it's only natural - a sort of defence mechanism maybe. When I re-read my journal (which I do often), it becomes very evident that I am better off without her. It also reminds me of the good strides that I have made in re-building my life. Sometimes I get pretty down and I need a reminder... I tend to be pretty hard on myself.

 

What you are feeling is natural I think. I know that I am still on a rollercoaster myself. I don't want her back, but I still have stuff that I need to get past about how we got where we are and I am exhausted trying to convince everyone that I am doing better that I really am so they don't worry.

 

The good news is, in my books, that makes you normal.

  • Author
Posted

Yikes,

 

Yes I journal. I have done everything to improve myself as a person, wife and mother. I don't regret that.

 

I regret marrying an adulterer who can't tell the truth.

 

I know I'll get through this with the help of my family and friends and the counselor. I need a little sleep and I'll be able to think more clearly.

 

What's your situation? Separated, divorced? I never thought I'd be here.

 

It's hard for me to actually see my H letting go of me. He's always been so insecure and possessive of me. I've never given him any reason to think I wasn't being faithful. I know he has a head full of problems. I guess I thought I could make him a better person by being as close to perfect as I could be. Turns out it didn't make a difference at all.

 

The counselor has always believed there wasn't OW. I made sure to fax him a quick note last night. In counseling I'm the one who gets trashed for being overpowering. He says my H is "fragile" right now.

Posted

"I regret marrying an adulterer who can't tell the truth."

 

Ditto.

 

Separated for 1 1/2 years. Hope to get closure via divorce soon.

  • Author
Posted

He just left the house with our mower, he came earlier when I wasn't home and got his tool box (it's a big one).

 

I can only assume he was so afraid I would go to the job today that he didn't go to work. I didn't do anything and won't do anything stupid.

 

I do wonder the truth about the OW. Is she really separated? Did she leave her H with the kids? How old is she?

 

So someone explain to me why he's angry at me? I'm not having an affair. I guess maybe a good offense is a better defense??!!

 

One day all of these and many other questions will be answered.

 

Debi

 

Yikes,

Have you or are you dating? I can't even imagine trying to find someone decent to date. I'm in no hurry.

Posted

Maybe he's angry at you because he's trying (subconsiously maybe) to get you to lose your cool so it justifies his affair and why he did what he did. I know my ex is always looking for reasons to justify everything in her own mind. I do my best not to fall into that trap. The best revenge is her watching me do just fine without her. Revenge is probably the wrong word here. I don't wish her any ill will, but I have no intention of letting our past troubles interfere with my future.

 

I have been on a couple of dates. Neither were anything that I wanted to pursue. I have been talking / e-mailing for a couple of months now with a co-worker of my sisters. She lives a couple hours away and we do plan on getting together at some point when both of our schedules allow. She has been through a similar situation. At this point it she is just someone nice to talk to and we understand what each other has been / and is going through. She has more on her plate than me at the moment, but seems to be doing a pretty good job at holding it together.

 

To be honest, the thought of letting someone close again scares me a bit, but I suppose if I meet somone that I connect with, maybe it won't be as hard as I think.

  • Author
Posted

What character disorder afflicts a cheating spouse? They should be made to live in a 3rd world country!!

 

The important thing is that I'm not angry or bitter :mad:

 

He won't get another reaction out of me. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain some dignity. This is HARD!

 

I am physically sick. I didn't sleep last night so I'm hoping to get some tonight. I'm exhausted. I do wonder if he filed for a divorce today. I asked him if he did and he said "it's none of your business!".

 

Ok that makes a lot of sense. But realistically nothing that he has said or done makes any sense. I guess I'll try really hard to avoid all contact with him. I hope he and his new woman are happy with their choices.

 

It shouldn't be too difficult since he sees his children maybe once a week. What am I losing, not a lot.

 

Thanks for listening, Debi

Posted

Actually, I know that I am better off now. I would rather be on my own than be in a marriage where my wife is not my partner. It's no marriage when you are being lied to and cheated on.

 

Why do they cheat?

 

Some people cheat because they are just plain selfish, some love the excitement, some for the sex. I bet there are millions of reasons. I don't think that I could ever cheat - I couldn't stand the deception and guilt. In my opinion there is NO justification for cheating. If you are unhappy and want to be with someone else, then fine, then get out of your marriage THEN be with them... whatever blows your hair back. But but DON'T cheat.

 

In my case, my wife became more emotionally disconnected as time went on. It didn't matter what I did to try to help things, I no longer had her heart. She kept telling me that we were okay, when in reality she was having an affair with my best friend (ex best friend). He was married so they couldn't be together in public as a couple. I became nothing more than a paycheck, a provider and good cover for her extracurricular activities.

 

The sad thing is I understand all about "feelings". I am not angry with her for falling out of love with me and falling in love with someone else, but I am angry about what THEY did about it. If they want to be together, then fine, be together. Just be an adult. Be up front about it, get out of your marriages and be together. They handled all of this about as badly as they could have in my opinion. My ex is still seeing him and he is STILL with his wife and kids, so another family will likely going to get blown apart.

  • Author
Posted

Yikes,

Does your exbestfriend's wife know about the affair? You can't tell me she doesn't. That would blow my mind!

 

I agree, if you're unhappy then get a divorce, then hook up. The only reason I can think of for not doing that is because they're not 100% sure "this is the one". Because it isn't the one! Serious character disorder to be able to have an affair.

 

I was just like you~it didn't matter what I did he was outta here. Off to greener pastures. I KNOW I'll be better off without him. Today was the first time I've cried, and really cried, since finding out about "Arlene"! What kind of redneck name is that? I have a bizillion questions, like, is she really separated and if not I would love to call her devoted hubby!

 

Ladyjane was right once again. I'm having extreme changes of attitude, emotions, feelings, etc. The one I hate the most is where I just want him to LOVE me. I feel so lost. I'm normally very strong. I will be again. I'm grieving. This is the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced. I'll be fine. I'll always be fine! This all will be just a bad memory.

 

 

Debi

Posted

His wife is aware. I know that things aren't good at home (how could they be?). I guess she is one of those women who is willing to look the other way... for now anyway. I am betting that she may not know everything - I already know more than I want to know.

 

I have no intention of involving my self in that mess in any way shape or form. Their house of cards will eventually collapse without my help. His wife is already getting outside pressure to deal with the situation, she doesn't need my two cents. Besides, I do not want to do anything that will detract my focus from "my new start". If his wife was to come to me asking specific questions, I'd likely tell her exactly what I know to be true, and leave out anything that has come back to me second hand. She might also like to read a letter that I intercepted back when I first found out... it alone would surely sink their ship.

 

"When crap hits the fan, I'd rather not get hit with the spray" (doesn't that just create a lovely visual).

 

I do my best not to even think about what they are doing. What good will come of that? I just need to be here for my kids, because when it all falls apart I am sure it will be upsetting for them as they are grew up with his kids and are good friends. Things could get messy.

  • Author
Posted

I always agree with taking the high road. It will get messier!

 

I'm trying to not react to my OW. It's getting harder for me to do nothing. I usually make the right choices.

 

Finding out about her is so new for me. I'm still in that kinda daze, shocked feeling.

 

I know he made the choice to have a relationship with her and hold him responsible for ruining our marriage.

 

Life will go on again, I just hope it hurries!

 

Debi

Posted

By the way, I'm not suggesting cheaters immediately get divorced before things get out of hand with the other woman or other man. Be grown up about it, tell your partner what you plan to do, who with and why. Disrespecting your partner by sneaking around behind their back, being a lowdown, creepy, knuckle-dragging, sewage slurping, piece of badger snot, two-timing skunk, slug will only rub salt into the wounds.

 

Besides that's no way to treat someone you used to love.

Posted
Originally posted by debilou

I know he made the choice to have a relationship with her and hold him responsible for ruining our marriage.

 

Life will go on again, I just hope it hurries!

 

Debi

 

Debi, the best thing you can do is to realize that you have made every effort to try to reconcile and restore your marriage to what it was. You will be able to hold your head up high when everything is done and know that you did everything you could. You are not the one who failed in this.

 

Yes, life does go on again. It takes a bit of time and each person is different depending on their strength. It has been about 6 months for me since things started to go south fast in my marriage. But now, I feel better than I have in years. I look forward to living my life the way I want to and not have to justify my actions. I get to do all the things I wanted to do but couldn't because I "wasn't spending enough time with my family" if I did what I wanted.

 

My best advice is to get started with your life as soon as possible. Take up some hobby you always wanted to do.

  • Author
Posted

My H isn't speaking to me. He told his mother that Sunday night when I confronted him about the OW that I said I wanted a divorce. He also told her he FILED!

 

I guess he chooses the OW over me. About every 15 seconds my mind, heart, emotions change. I believe she's always been in the picture, I'm sure she is the reason he became so unhappy with me and everything I did.

 

Now what? How long does it take to be SERVED????

 

I'm sick over this. I don't know what's next. My STBXH has very low self esteem, trust issues, honesty issues, what are the chances that he and the OW will live happily ever after???

 

Debilou

Posted
My STBXH has very low self esteem, trust issues, honesty issues, what are the chances that he and the OW will live happily ever after???

 

Does it really matter? He chose to do what he did, he's not a child. If this relationship deep sixes, then he'll have to deal with the fallout. There is a price to be paid for everything in life. What it comes down to is this; are you willing to pay the price? Evidently he WAS willing to pay the price - his marriage.

 

Repeat after me: "He's not my problem anymore. He's not my problem anymore. He's not my problem anymore"... Gooood, now doesn't that feel better?

 

You are likely going to be riding the emotional rollercoaster for a while yet. Know what? That's normal. Maybe this simplifies things too much, but why would you want a guy like that in your life anyway? I'd say you're better off without him. Focus on improving YOUR life, on YOUR new start.

 

A friend once told me: "No one is worth crying over, because anyone who truly loves you, would never make you cry".

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