Recently seperated and depressed

December 29, 2004

I just found this web site. Married 18 years. Thought we were happy. Hindsight 20/20. Feeling devastated. Husband literally moved out on his 40th birthday in October. We're in counseling. 2 kids, 14 & 9. Holidays very rough. I was Santa for the first time by myself.

My husband "needs to find himself". The counselor believes there isn't another woman. No evidence of one. The counselor tells me that I need to spend this time making myself a better person, this is about my husband Not Me! My mind is consumed with thoughts of what will happen next.

I thought I was over the depression but I guess I'm not. I've read "The road less traveled", "Soul stories", everything on co dependency. I feel clue less and empty.

Thanks for llistening!

Debilou

December 29, 2004

debilou, have you spoken with your doctor about medication for depression? It might help get the emotions under control somewhat. Also consider counselling on your own for the depression.

This is a good opportunity for you to re-discover who debilou is. We get so wrapped up in our marriages that alot of times we lose ourselves. How many things can you think of off the top of your head that you wanted to do, or used to do that you haven't been doing because there wasn't time, or your husband wasn't into it? Now is your chance to do those things without having to worry about what he thinks of it. Me, I have always been a sword man. Something about them that just draws me in. My wife never understood this, would give me a hard time about playing around with them. But now, I have a couple of practice swords and me and my brother sword fight, or I just swing it around and work out my frustrations.

Find your swords, do something for you, something you always wanted to try but felt silly about because of what your husband might think.

December 30, 2004

Thanks for the advice. I see the same counselor that sees us as a couple. I'm doing all the things you're supposed to do. Not an easy time. It's the limbo, not knowing what will be. I'll be fine. I have to be.

Debilou

December 30, 2004

It takes time debilou, and that time can seem like an eternity when your world is being torn apart and you get no say in what happens to your life. Isn't it funny how the other spouse also claims this is sooooo hard on them? It's their choice and they are putting you through hell, but it is hard on them, feel pity for them.

Just keep hanging in there and try to find something to eat up some of that time.

December 30, 2004

It all started with "I'm jealous of my own kids, I come in the house and they're both draped over you and you're scratching their backs"! This is exactly what he said. Two short weeks later it was:"I love you but I'm not in love with you, I think I love you because you're the mother of my children", and the real kicker:"I'm Not sure I want you and the boys". He said all of this crying. I was afraid he would commit suicide. Now he says he has to decide if I'm the reason he's so unhappy or if it's just him. Not in a million years would I have thought this would happen. I go to counseling tonight. The limbo is the hardest. I know I'll be ok without him. He was never really there anyway.

Debi

December 30, 2004

Debilou-

Just something to think about. From what I've seen, you used two phrases that are so indicative of an affair that they just screamed out at me from your post....

I love you but I'm not in love with you

and...

needs to find himself

Both of these indicate a HUGE emotional withdrawl from his spouse (you), and almost ALWAYS are used when the person saying them are involved with someone else.

You note that there is no evidence of an affair...how hard have you looked? Phone bills, credit card bills, internet usage, email/IMs, etc...???

I'm NOT trying to make things worse, and could be wrong. But I can tell you from MY experience that those two phrases were EXACTLY word for word what my wife told me...JUST before I found out about her online emotional affair with someone else. She need "time to find herself"...when her and the OM were talking about meeting to see if what they had was real in person or not. She felt that she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me"...because she was "in love" with the OM. She couldn't handle "loving" both...so she emotionally seperated from me.

Think about this, and maybe go back for the last six months or so through the bills and look for a specific person he's calling, or emailing. Odd purchases at flower shops or motels or whatever that you don't know about.

I hope I'm wrong in your case...

December 30, 2004

It would be easier for me if there were someone else. I could be wrong and it hasn't been revealed yet. Someone else~then it all makes sense. Right now I feel like a failure and hag! I told his mom last week "if this is all a bunch of bull and there really is someone else~I will never forgive him". I mentioned the emotional affair situation to him last Monday night and we haven't spoken since. Maybe I hit a raw nerve. One question...why would he consider counseling? He's the one who said we have to go because he can't talk to me. He has severe trust issues and says he has hangups about things that happened when we were dating. I was thinking "excuses"!

December 30, 2004

Hmmm...can think of a bunch of reasons why he should consider counseling...

1. If he "loves" you (but isn't "in love" with you), he should still do this counseling to make sure of his feelings for you.

2. He should also do it to help YOU work through all of this as well.

3. Counseling helps people who CAN'T talk to each other start working things out...it's soooo much easier when you've got a neutral party there to steer and control the session...someone who doesn't have a vested interest in anything in the marriage.

4. If he wants to end the marriage, this way he can do it KNOWING that he's done all that he can to save it and to work things out with you.

The fact that he clammed up after you mentioned the emotional affair thing is a pretty dead give away. That, the things he's said and done to this point, and the comment you made about this all making sense if there was another woman...do you have any idea how often we are RIGHT when we suspect that our spouse is involved with someone else? That first 'gut instinct' is probably the best indicator yet...if you suspect(ed) something...then you were very likely right.

He's probably lied about not having someone the whole time...the rule of thumb for someone who's having an affair is 1. Deny everything for as long as you possibly can. 2. When finally caught...minimize it. Make it seem like a lot less than it was. 3. Never EVER tell more than you HAVE to...regardless of facts or proof to the contrary.

Bottom line...until you PROVE or DISPROVE the affair...he'll NEVER admit it to you that he's having one.

December 30, 2004

We've been in counseling. However, it doesn't seem be helping. If there is someone else that would be why it isn't helping. He has severe trust issues and feelings of inadequacy. The counselor says this is Not about me, it's about him, I'm supposed to look at his side of things, etc. No easy job!

January 1, 2005

It does sound as though there may be someone else... then again maybe he is just messed up right now. If for example he is suffering from depression problems anything is possible.

I heard a similar story from my wife of 17 years. She had been having an affair with my closest friend... she was (and still is) very messed up, but won't seek help. At least your husband recoginizes that he needs help.

You might be better giving it some time. Maybe he can sort out his own issues and you can use this time to focus on yourself and your life. Don't rush into anything, don't put any pressure on him, just work on the things that are in your control and accept the things that you can't. Focus on the positive things you have going on in your life and don't get caught up in negative thoughts.

Being on your own for a while is not a bad thing... just use this unfortunate situation to improve yourself.

Good luck.

January 2, 2005

Thanks so much for your input. I get so obsessed with what the truth really is, even though I know I'm just along for the ride! Only time will tell. I believe he is really messed up. I will have lost all respect for him if there is someone else. This "Debi bashing" has gotten old. I'll keep you posted.

January 2, 2005

I can't tell if there's someone else or not. I'd check into his computer, financial, and cell phone records though.

Men seem to run into the 'midlife crisis' somewhere around their early forties. I think that's the most likley suspect in your case....with or without an OW in the picture.

Best bet, if you want to repair the relationship? Demonstrative love. Active demonstrations of your love for him. Active verbs. Interactions with you should leave him feeling positive rather than negative.

One of the things that make the mid-life crisis so difficult for anyone going through it is that they feel unlovable. They feel insecure in their attractiveness, and disconnected from the person they once were. They wonder if they've wasted their lives, squandered their opportunities.

If you want him back, you can't waste a minute in despair for yourself. You have to concentrate on him fully.

January 2, 2005

Thanks so much for the support. It's so hard. Everything you said sounds like the counselor. I thought I was over the depression but I'm not. Reading lots of self help books, etc. Really hard to stay focused. Also, I'm raising the 9 & 14 yo without any help from him. I guess I'll check into mid life crisis web sites next.

Debi

January 2, 2005

You're in limbo waiting for him-why? Why not make the decision for him? He gets to "go out and find himself" and you get to suffer? He's not the only one capable of ending the relationship here. Regardless of an affair or not, you have just as much control over this as he does.

January 2, 2005

Mr. Spock,

You sound like my mother and everyone else who loves me. But just consider, he's having a mid life crisis, shouldn't I be a supportive wife? Isn't that part of the wedding vows? I'm not a doormat, I know I can send this thing over the edge but I'm trying to let life work it's way out. Also I have a 9 & 14 yo to consider. Divorce won't be easy.

Thanks for your input, I value all of it.

Debi

January 2, 2005

when men have a midlife crisis that involves shattering your world you should take their car, not their bullsh*t.

Why should you wait around like a helpless victim for him to decide if it's YOU he really wants? oooh, THANK YOU for that prize after 6 months of putting you and your kids through hell. I mean, that's SO much better than putting some clear boundaries out (like,but not neccesarily divorce) for your children to understand.

I fail to see why you would pull the "wedding vows" routine when he's obviously not considering them. You can be supportive without being a doormat like you said. Ask him if it's OK if you date other people while he figures out what he wants because you're not so sure if you want him. Most of the time it's a wake up call when men realize that you are also a person, and not just their wife.

January 2, 2005

Originally posted by Mr Spock
when men have a midlife crisis that involves shattering your world you should take their car, not their bullsh*t.

Good point. But I think it all depends on if what she wants is the man or the car.

This sounds a bit facetious, but still it's a pretty good question for Debi to answer. Do you really want him back? Would you be happier in the long run without him, even though the going could be tough at first? Where do you see yourself a few years from now?

Mid-life crisis is called that for a reason, I think. It's like a 3-alarm fire, and if you wait for it to burn itself out.....well, it's gonna burn to the ground. The person that you love is not themselves for a while, but they can eventually overcome the crisis, and be as good or better than before.

It's difficult though, because you have to set your own needs aside for awhile. And there is always the possibilty that your effort won't be returned, so it's an emotional risk.

It worked for me though. But I've got a pretty good hubby who was grateful for my support and returns it in kind.

January 2, 2005

It's never been about money for me. If it were I would have married richer! It's not been a great 18 years. I am the strong one, I always thought it worked because opposites attract. Now I think I royally screwed up and married a loser. He does seem to be high maintenance lately!

Also, our 9 yo has MILD cerebral palsy. I know this plays a part in the big picture. I had lost balance and focused solely on the kids. Mainly because he's not really interested in them. He's always been self doubting, insecure, etc.

He just shows up here anytime the feeling hits. No boundaries are in place. I am feeling very vulnerable right now.

Thanks again,

Debi

January 2, 2005

Then establish boundaries. Being a supportive wife doesn't mean he gets to do whatever he wants. You're not a McWife, and this is not his drive thru.

January 15, 2005

This is so hard. I'm trying to do the right thing and hang in there but my H gives me no glimpse of hope or concern for our marriage.

He told me tonight that I should move on because he's happier living alone. He seemed overly agitated. He's real upset that his schedule and work hours are changing on Monday. I've always known that the filters he sees our world through are off base. He seems to have the idea that he gets taken advantage of constantly.

He started taking mild anti depressant a few months ago but I can't see any change. He's so angry. I have been the target of that anger for some reason. When his obvious unhappiness first erupted I was scared he was suicidal.

I know I can move on fully. However, I don't want to make a bad situation worse. We've been separated since 10/04. He moved in with his mom. The week of Christmas he moved into our old home, it was a rental. Still no evidence of OW. So really he's been on his own for about 1 month. Doing his own laundry, getting RX's, etc.

But he doesn't get the kids at all. I didn't want to push that. I'd rather my marriage get better but I think I may be alone in that. He has severe trust issues. If me moving on means being with another man I know all H*** will break loose. I want to avoid all the drama and be happy. I can move on, I have no fear of that. I just want life to make sense again.

Thanks for listening and letting me organize my feelings.

Debilou

January 15, 2005

Debilou, I know how hard it is for you right now. It is so difficult fighting to save something when your spouse doesn't. I was right there just a few weeks ago asking myself the same questions, riding that emotional roller coaster. He has given you the green light to move on with your life. I know it is painful to think of doing.

I was talking with my counselor at my last session about 2 weeks ago. We were trying to come up with ways for me to prevent getting drug back into the emotional whirlwind. It was then that I realized how many opportunities I had passed up because of my relationship. A lot of sparks that I never fanned because of my dedication to my wife and my relationship. Then I started to think about all the things my marriage had denied me. Little things that were not anyone's fault. For example, playing and wrestling and frolicking in the snow with the person you love. This has for some reason always been some magical thing for me, one of those things that a relationship should be about. My wife was never able to do this for more than a minute because the cold air made her chest hurt. So one of those magical things was given up. I don't blame her for taking that away, she couldn't help the health condition. But now I have the opportunity to find someone that can provide those magic moments.

This realization has helped me out alot with being able to look forward to a new future. Perhaps you should look at the things your marriage denied you. Don't look to blame anyone for not having these. But see the opportunity to have those things now.

And if you seeing another man once or twice makes all hell break lose, it might cause your husband to reconsider what he is doing.

January 15, 2005

Devildog,

Thanks for your reply. I don't feel so crazy knowing other people are in the same position.

This forum really helps me to think I may be able to have a normal life again.

There are so many things I have been denied because of my H. Refused to go camping in a tent, even in cool weather. I put a tent and extras on lay away 1 week ago. I'm going to live my life to it's fullest extent.

In the past (we've been together 22 years) when we dated and broke up, he would go nuts, even when he did the breaking up. He's very insecure, angry, and basically hates me. I am the reason he is so miserable.

I'm trying to avoid the kids seeing the worst of their father but I know I'm only responsible for my actions. I guess I should try Plan B. I've been on the marriage builders web site and it's helping, too.

Debilou

January 15, 2005

Originally posted by debilou
There are so many things I have been denied because of my H. Refused to go camping in a tent, even in cool weather. I put a tent and extras on lay away 1 week ago. I'm going to live my life to it's fullest extent.

Good for you. I have been doing alot of those things too. Doing what I wanted and was denied. I am even making arrangements for buying the house I grew up in. My STBXW absolutely refused the idea even though I will get it for a song from my father. Getting back into the outdoors again myself.

In the past (we've been together 22 years) when we dated and broke up, he would go nuts, even when he did the breaking up. He's very insecure, angry, and basically hates me. I am the reason he is so miserable.

Please tell me you are being sarcastic with that last remark. My STBXW acts the same way but I know it isn't me that is making her angry. She is angry at and hates herself. She just has an easier time avoiding the guilt by blaming me. I am sure this is the same with your husband. He has to make himself angry or miserable, you can't be held responsible for his mood when he asked for the separation.

I'm trying to avoid the kids seeing the worst of their father but I know I'm only responsible for my actions. I guess I should try Plan B. I've been on the marriage builders web site and it's helping, too.

Debilou

It is important to make sure and give kids the best possible impression of each other. Don't speak bad about him if there is even the remotest chance the kids could hear. Don't present an opportunity for your H to come back and blame you for the kids not being happy with him.

Hang in there debilou, time will come when you find your happiness again. I have and if you read my post you can see how messed up I was about it.

January 17, 2005

Originally posted by debilou
I guess I should try Plan B. I've been on the marriage builders web site and it's helping, too.

Plan B only works after a really terrific Plan A. You can't do an effective Plan A when you aren't concentrating completely on the other person's emotional needs. This is the difficulty of Plan A, because while you are doing your best to meet your partner's EN's, there is no one meeting yours.

I hope you'll reconsider this. That is, if you are hoping to repair the marriage. Plan B at this time would be a costly gambit IMHO.

If you are looking for emotional distance in order to prepare for permanent separation, then NO CONTACT could be very beneficial to you. Negative interactions that are preventing the healing process could be stopped.

It all depends on what you ultimately want.

January 18, 2005

I'm so lost. My H and I talked Fri night, he left angry, we talked Sun night he left happy.

He is the one who is losing it. Unfortunately for the rest of us.

I'm trying to be strong and positive. I get no emotional support from H. The bottom line is that he has to decide what he wants.

Then again, I think I should cut my loses and move on. Honestly he complains about things that happened when we dated. I believe his maturity is the source of the problem!

I hope he makes it to counseling Thurs. He admits he has trust issues. To me it seems like he chooses to be miserable!

He's been out of the house for 3 1/2 months. It feels like 6.

Sad and lonely,

Debilou

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