caz_cheer_jenn Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 OK so it has been a very long time since I have posted or replied, but I am beside myself here and I need some thoughts, advice, etc. I started seeing this aweseome guy about a month ago...he is funny, extremely intelligent, open, honest, and such a gentleman. We hit it off immediately and have been seeing each other at least three to four times a week, and talking on the phone any time that we are not together. One obstacle is that he has only been single for four months, after being in a four-year relationship. As can be expected, he and I were hesitant and anxious about how fast or slow we should be taking things. About a week ago, he and I discussed how things were going and he filled me in on some heartwrenching details about his last ex. She was in a horrific accident a year before they broke up, and she almost died. For the three months that she was incapacitated, he took care of her and nursed her back to health. Now, a year later, they still see each other, but not often. However, he kept re-iterating that he did not know what was going to happen with her and that he did not want to lead me on in any way. I was grateful for his openness and honesty, but upset by the fact that he could not tell me what he was waiting for, what he was holding out for, what he needed to have happen in order to make a commitment to one relationship or the other. Granted, he does not see her often and they are no longer romantically involved, but they still have a close connection based on their past. I was trying very hard not to get myself emotionally involved, and so I did not let things between the two of us go any further than kissing and some minor fooling around. We discussed the issue of sex, and I told him that for me to go there with him would be a very emotional thing, and I did not want to take that step unless he had everything else figured out. He understood completely, and agreed that it would be too emotional to take that step without a clear idea of what we both wanted. But here's the kicker: last night he spent the night (as he has done twice before), and we were cuddling, kissing, fooling around, etc. There is just so much sexual tension between us, so much passion that it can be difficult for us to hold back. Well, I straddled him and was sort of teasing him a little, which is something that we both enjoy because it just heightens the tension and excitement. Then I made a really stupid choice...I threw caution to the wind and got caught up in the whole thing, and I lowered myself down onto him so that he slipped completely inside me. It felt so amazing that even though both of us knew we shouldn't be doing it, we couldn't stop. He sort of paused and asked me if I was going to regret it or if it was going to changes things between us, and I told him I didn't know. But I just couldn't stop myself...and we ended up making love. It was wonderful and exciting, but as soon as it was over, I was overcome with this feeling of dread and emptiness...I could not believe that I had allowed myself to connect that fully with someone without even knowing if there was a future with him. He knew there was something wrong, but I did not want to verbalize it because I was the one who did not stop even though there was a chance that I might feel this way afterwards. I didn't sleep the rest of the night, and I have thought of nothing else all day. I DEEPLY regret doing what I did, not because I feel dirty or anything like that, but because I have been developing such strong feelings for him and I took it to that level without knowing what was happening with the entire situation. So, what now??? He leaves for Florida tomorrow and he will be gone for a week, so I need to figure out what to say and how to handle this by the time he gets back.
Author caz_cheer_jenn Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 OK so it has been a very long time since I have posted or replied, but I am beside myself here and I need some thoughts, advice, etc. I started seeing this aweseome guy about a month ago...he is funny, extremely intelligent, open, honest, and such a gentleman. We hit it off immediately and have been seeing each other at least three to four times a week, and talking on the phone any time that we are not together. One obstacle is that he has only been single for four months, after being in a four-year relationship. As can be expected, he and I were hesitant and anxious about how fast or slow we should be taking things. About a week ago, he and I discussed how things were going and he filled me in on some heartwrenching details about his last ex. She was in a horrific accident a year before they broke up, and she almost died. For the three months that she was incapacitated, he took care of her and nursed her back to health. Now, a year later, they still see each other, but not often. However, he kept re-iterating that he did not know what was going to happen with her and that he did not want to lead me on in any way. I was grateful for his openness and honesty, but upset by the fact that he could not tell me what he was waiting for, what he was holding out for, what he needed to have happen in order to make a commitment to one relationship or the other. Granted, he does not see her often and they are no longer romantically involved, but they still have a close connection based on their past. I was trying very hard not to get myself emotionally involved, and so I did not let things between the two of us go any further than kissing and some minor fooling around. We discussed the issue of sex, and I told him that for me to go there with him would be a very emotional thing, and I did not want to take that step unless he had everything else figured out. He understood completely, and agreed that it would be too emotional to take that step without a clear idea of what we both wanted. But here's the kicker: last night he spent the night (as he has done twice before), and we were cuddling, kissing, fooling around, etc. There is just so much sexual tension between us, so much passion that it can be difficult for us to hold back. Well, I straddled him and was sort of teasing him a little, which is something that we both enjoy because it just heightens the tension and excitement. Then I made a really stupid choice...I threw caution to the wind and got caught up in the whole thing, and I lowered myself down onto him so that he slipped completely inside me. It felt so amazing that even though both of us knew we shouldn't be doing it, we couldn't stop. He sort of paused and asked me if I was going to regret it or if it was going to changes things between us, and I told him I didn't know. But I just couldn't stop myself...and we ended up making love. It was wonderful and exciting, but as soon as it was over, I was overcome with this feeling of dread and emptiness...I could not believe that I had allowed myself to connect that fully with someone without even knowing if there was a future with him. He knew there was something wrong, but I did not want to verbalize it because I was the one who did not stop even though there was a chance that I might feel this way afterwards. I didn't sleep the rest of the night, and I have thought of nothing else all day. I DEEPLY regret doing what I did, not because I feel dirty or anything like that, but because I have been developing such strong feelings for him and I took it to that level without knowing what was happening with the entire situation. So, what now??? He leaves for Florida tomorrow and he will be gone for a week, so I need to figure out what to say and how to handle this by the time he gets back.
alphamale Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 yes, you should not have done this. I have used the old "ex g/f in the background" trick before. Women love competition and when they know another woman MAY be in the background it heightens their emotions and feelings and competitive nature. you cannot back-peddle now. pandora's vagina has been opened. there is not much you can do. just relax and settle in and time will tell. take it easy and casual and feel him out over the next few months.
Author caz_cheer_jenn Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 OK so it has been a very long time since I have posted or replied, but I am beside myself here and I need some thoughts, advice, etc. I started seeing this aweseome guy about a month ago...he is funny, extremely intelligent, open, honest, and such a gentleman. We hit it off immediately and have been seeing each other at least three to four times a week, and talking on the phone any time that we are not together. One obstacle is that he has only been single for four months, after being in a four-year relationship. As can be expected, he and I were hesitant and anxious about how fast or slow we should be taking things. About a week ago, he and I discussed how things were going and he filled me in on some heartwrenching details about his last ex. She was in a horrific accident a year before they broke up, and she almost died. For the three months that she was incapacitated, he took care of her and nursed her back to health. Now, a year later, they still see each other, but not often. However, he kept re-iterating that he did not know what was going to happen with her and that he did not want to lead me on in any way. I was grateful for his openness and honesty, but upset by the fact that he could not tell me what he was waiting for, what he was holding out for, what he needed to have happen in order to make a commitment to one relationship or the other. Granted, he does not see her often and they are no longer romantically involved, but they still have a close connection based on their past. I was trying very hard not to get myself emotionally involved, and so I did not let things between the two of us go any further than kissing and some minor fooling around. We discussed the issue of sex, and I told him that for me to go there with him would be a very emotional thing, and I did not want to take that step unless he had everything else figured out. He understood completely, and agreed that it would be too emotional to take that step without a clear idea of what we both wanted. But here's the kicker: last night he spent the night (as he has done twice before), and we were cuddling, kissing, fooling around, etc. There is just so much sexual tension between us, so much passion that it can be difficult for us to hold back. Well, I straddled him and was sort of teasing him a little, which is something that we both enjoy because it just heightens the tension and excitement. Then I made a really stupid choice...I threw caution to the wind and got caught up in the whole thing, and I lowered myself down onto him so that he slipped completely inside me. It felt so amazing that even though both of us knew we shouldn't be doing it, we couldn't stop. He sort of paused and asked me if I was going to regret it or if it was going to changes things between us, and I told him I didn't know. But I just couldn't stop myself...and we ended up making love. It was wonderful and exciting, but as soon as it was over, I was overcome with this feeling of dread and emptiness...I could not believe that I had allowed myself to connect that fully with someone without even knowing if there was a future with him. He knew there was something wrong, but I did not want to verbalize it because I was the one who did not stop even though there was a chance that I might feel this way afterwards. I didn't sleep the rest of the night, and I have thought of nothing else all day. I DEEPLY regret doing what I did, not because I feel dirty or anything like that, but because I have been developing such strong feelings for him and I took it to that level without knowing what was happening with the entire situation. So, what now??? He leaves for Florida tomorrow and he will be gone for a week, so I need to figure out what to say and how to handle this by the time he gets back.
tattoomytoe Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 well do not contact him.....let him call you.
Author caz_cheer_jenn Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 Well, I don't see her as competition....in fact, I wasn't even thinking about it that way. And I doubt he was telling me about her to make me feel like I was competing for his affection...they see each other MAYBE once a month, and he has always been honest about that. What I am more concerned with is my own well-being and the fact that this is a really emotional thing for me and I cannot believe I jumped into it in a moment of passion.
Author caz_cheer_jenn Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 He always does. I don't think I have ever had to wait by the phone for him.
alphamale Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 Originally posted by caz_cheer_jenn Well, I don't see her as competition....in fact, I wasn't even thinking about it that way. And I doubt he was telling me about her to make me feel like I was competing for his affection...they see each other MAYBE once a month, and he has always been honest about that. What I am more concerned with is my own well-being and the fact that this is a really emotional thing for me and I cannot believe I jumped into it in a moment of passion. hey man shyt happens, no use in crying over spilled milk.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 I am not sure I understand why you are holding back so much. It sounds like it is a lovely relationship and many levels - why not let it keep going? Our actions cannot be dictated by some silly time line, etc. - so what if he just got out of a 4 year relationship - it sounds like the two of you are doing just fine. You won't know what could be if you don't go for it. I say stop beating yourself up and keep the relationship going. Don't get all heavy on him, just be you! If the relationship is as good as you have described, sex will only enhance not harm it. Best of luck to you!
SoleMate Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Why did I do this? Not to belabor the obvious, but when you are heavy petting with someone you are very attracted to, who is willing, it can be extremely difficult to control. Primitive portions of our brains take over. Your physical urges got the best of your judgment. As I am sure your mom and your health ed teacher informed you, you need to stay out of those situations if you don't want your body to take you to its logical extreme. I need to figure out what to say and how to handle this by the time he gets back To say..."I was very upset with myself for doing what I did." To handle...I see three possibilities: 1) Keep going, make the relationship fully physical, and risk getting hurt. 2) Pull back to previous boundaries, or maybe even farther, since once you slide down that slope, the next time will be easier. You will probably need to meet him only in public places to accomplish #2. No time in each other's homes. 3) Stop seeing him altogether because it will be less painful than #1 and easier to accomplish than #2. He...asked me if...it was going to changes things between us Sex ALWAYS changes things between two people. If it doesn't, they're not doing it right. What a silly question.
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Sex ALWAYS changes things between two people. If it doesn't, they're not doing it right. What a silly question. what wonderful words...and how true there is only one other thing that changes things more than sex between two people....and that is MARRIAGE.
Author caz_cheer_jenn Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 Solemate, Thanks for the advice...I actually had a chance to speak with him in person tonight, and I told him almost exactly what you suggested (before I even read this, how psychic of me!). I told him that I did not regret doing it because of anything he did, but because I had broken my own word after promising myself I wasn't going to allow it to go to that level until the entire situation was settled. I also let him know that the tremendous amount of uncertainty was an issue for me, which he understood and apologized for. It's good that he will be in Florida for the next week; it will give both of us time to think about what we really want. He understands that his confusion about his own situation is making it difficult for me, so hopefully he will come back with a renewed sense of himself and what he wants. Ultimately, I made it clear that I am not looking for a casual, "friends with benefits" type of relationship. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what a week apart will do for both of us.
missopinionated Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Um, so, you guys get all into a bunch of heavy petting and forplay but you don't call that sex? Only penitration is sex? Did you go to the Bill Clinton school of sex? I'm confused: was there a future with him when there was only forplay and then the future with him was quashed because a certain area of his flesh touched a certain area of yours? I don't get it. I'd say that something you really wanted to happen finally did. You got your wish but you felt bad for having the wish. You played around the edges of the wish, but denied that the wish was there at all, so that made all the preamble ok becasue it wasn't really happening? Oi. What's to say? You slept with a guy you like. Tell him it was fun and that he's good in bed if that's the truth. And then you say, "So, did you have a good time in Florida? Tell me all about it over coffee, ok?"
neptoon Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale I have used the old "ex g/f in the background" trick before. Women love competition and when they know another woman MAY be in the background it heightens their emotions and feelings and competitive nature. Why do men believe this? I've read this in men's magazines, too, and I couldn't believe it when I heard it the first time. There's nothing that makes a woman head for the hills faster than a dude saying he's got some other girl. Why on earth would a guy lie about having a girl? As the relationship progresses, we'll draw blanks or just want to end it because the guy (from the perspective of the female) is already a cheater. A short fling, maybe...but we definitely wouldn't want anything long term with a guy who started the relationship with us by having another main woman...the guy is already proving himself not trustworthy. Women aren't competitive with each other in the same ways men are. I've walked away from many men who've told me they had a woman. To me, it's only a promise of heartache and distrust later...what could possibly ever become of that?
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by neptoon Women aren't competitive with each other in the same ways men are. I've walked away from many men who've told me they had a woman. To me, it's only a promise of heartache and distrust later...what could possibly ever become of that? When it comes to women getting men there is not a female in the world who has a female friend. This gets more and more apparent as people get older cause there are fewer eligible and decent men left. When I am by myself few other women are interested. But when I show up at some party or the bar with a good looking woman on my arm then all of a sudden women are giving me the eye left and right. If I am good enuf for the beautiful woman i am with that night then I must have something going for me. I get hit on by women much more when I am with a woman already. And, to boot, I've been hit on by supposed "freinds" of my girlfriends. Like the saying goes: "No one wants to eat at a restaurant with no cars in the parking lot"
neptoon Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 LOL @ alphamale for the restaurant analogy. OK, maybe you're right from a certain point of view. There are probably women who envy other women and just want to covet what their fellow woman has. We might want to flirt with a guy that another woman has but that's different than actually wanting that guy. Sometimes we do it because it's safe -- because we don't really want that guy but, at the same time, we want that bit of an ego boost to know that we still have it. But, I think these may be women that have never been on the other side of the fence -- women who have never been "the other woman". It really sucks to be the other woman...you never have that sense of security in the relationship and for all the reasons of insecurity that we hit on another woman's man in the first place, it doesn't help in alleviating it. It leaves you with a sense of indescribable loneliness and emptiness of what it is that you've "won" from another woman. Once you've "won" that guy, it's not as gratifying as one may have believed before. I guess it largely depends on what one is looking for in a mate. For something like a short fling, a woman might do this. But we inevitably come to the conclusion that this guy isn't what we want in the long-term because if he can do this to a perfectly good woman (which is why we are competing with her in the first place), what's to stop him from doing this to me? We will emotionally distance ourselves from this guy to prevent getting hurt. Women have done this to me and I've done this to other women when I was in my late teens. In every instance I can remember, whatever is "won" tends to be very short-lived. Although I am surprised that the men are surprised that it's short-lived because the woman has no respect for him later and will, more than likely, leave him for another man. I disagree that as when you get older, the tendancy to do this becomes greater because you realize that there are so many potential mates in the world. The more you get to know yourself, the more you see past the ego thing. The more you've experienced in life, the clearer it becomes what it is you want. To know this and to settle for anything less makes me feel like I'm cheating myself.
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