Depressed OW

[URNotAlone]

This is my first post here after reading all I could find onine this seemed to be the best place to post my intense feelings of remorse, loss and grief. I feel my cirsumstances though different the outcome is like so many others.

 

My best friend of 32 years married a man back in 2007 that I thought was the worst thing for her, as did her family, coworkers and other friends. He told her early on he did not like sex and she seemed to accept that. Though she wanted sex with him he said he was just not into it and didn't feel the need. However she looks old enough to be his mother and she spends all of her extra money on him and she bends over backwards to make him happy. Everyone saw it as a marriage of convenience for him and I guess she got the joy of saying he was her husband.

 

While she was buidling a life with her new marriage I was living across the country with my ex who I caught cheating and not just once but from my digging I discovered it had been with many people over a long period of time. After much counseling and 20 years of marriage I filed for divorce. After my divorce I spent over 18 months in counseling and decided it was best to move back across country to where I grew up and start over. I have been single since 2009 and I made a decision that I would start dating in the fall of this year, that would give me time to get settled in my new home and I was feeling better about myself and my life. I had severe depression after my divorce and didn't want to get out of bed so to finally feel normal again was a gift. My ex married his last affair partner within six weeks of our divorce. He was clearly not capable of being alone. I thought I was doing the right thing by taking a long break from relationships. I feel my time in therapy was a complete waste after the huge detour I allowed my life to take. Here is what happened.

 

After moving back here I started visiting my friend and her (no sex) husband on the weekends. He would try and flirt with me for the first seven months and I ignored him. Visiting my friend on the weekends filled the void of being alone. It's tough being married for so long and then suddenly alone. In April of this year her husband sent me a text asking if I was interested in going out the following Friday night dancing, he said his wife didn't feel like it and she wanted him to get out. I sent her a message and she said it was true that she wanted him to go out. I had not been out in so long that I immediately said yes and was excited to go out. When we were out he asked if he would ever have a chance to kiss me. We both had a couple drinks and I kissed him. I never felt anything towards him until we went out. From that weekend on we spent every Friday and Saturday night together for the next six months and she was the one who invited me over. He and I talked for hours in person on the weekends and on the phone during the week, texted constantly and both said I love you. The sex was incredible and he was the one who would start the physical contact. I remember saying to him on more than one occasion "for someone who doesn't like sex you sure are all about it". The wife had us go out a few times. Perhaps she thought I was a safe bet. He confided in me he thought of her as a monther figure and that he had cheated before. I had suspected that from day one when she said he didn't like sex. So after six months of an intense emotional and physical affair his wife got angry and pulled the plug on me seeing him. She said she never knew we had sex and was hurt by the whole thing. She felt betrayed by both of us. In the back of my mind I thought she knew. Who would set their husband up to go out with someone else over and over? I thought she was trying other ways to keep him happy. Well it's been 4 weeks of NC with him and 2 weeks with her. I let her vent to me on Facebook for the first couple weeks. She pretty much said he was the victim in all this and that he was vulnerable and I should have known better. She asked if he had to take blue pills to have sex with me and I said no he didn't need them, then she replied "oh it really is me he is just not attracted to". She knows the truth but still wants to keep him. She keeps everything in her name and was thinking of pulling his car I think. At any rate I realized once no contact began that he really threw me under the bus. When she sent me the email about how they were renewing their vows and he never really loved me (which was probably true) and how I caused a man to break his wedding vows I decided to tell there were many others before me. I am sure he will be looking for someone new once the dust settles. Yes it was all so dysfunctional.

 

So this leaves me where I started off before my therapy. I was depressed, alone and scared. It's not so much that I miss him it's I miss how good he made me feel. I miss the intimacy. So I have spent the last month unable to do most everyday things. I am really sad and depressed. I betrayed a friend with a man who I knew was trouble to begin with. He's a true player and I know that but I was completely blinded. I have lost somone I have known most of my life and her husband of course she forgives and I am made out to be the predator. It still does not take away the pain that I have caused my friend and it does nothing for my pain and deep depression. I have decided I am just too messed up to try and date anytime soon. I do want a relationship but I wonder why when nothing seems to last. I hope to get advice here on how to trust and love again. Please don't tell me what a loser I am, I already feel down enough. A good day is when I can shower and get to the grocery store.

[wanting more]

I'll never understand how a person says "my best friends husband that I'm sleeping with" It Baffles me. I've got a couple true best friends who are married. Ones husband is good looking. Never, not once in the 20 yrs I've known her has the thought ever crossed my mind "I'm going to sleep with him"

Can't understand that.

 

You make it seem like it's her fault you slept together. She didn't want to go out, you're back in town and you're her best friend of 32 yrs. I'd have assumed like her you'd have been a safe person to push to go with him. After all, you're her best friend.

 

Did you really mean to actually post in here "THE WIFE made us go out". I hope that wasn't intentional the way you wrote it.

 

You knew he cheated before. Had you ever thought about what would happen when the A came out? Of course he threw you under the bus.

[whichwayisup]

She felt betrayed by both of us. In the back of my mind I thought she knew. Who would set their husband up to go out with someone else over and over? I thought she was trying other ways to keep him happy.

 

How would she know? She trusted you, YOU were her friend. So why on earth would she think something would happen. Oh and you aren't just 'someone else', you were a trusted friend.....

 

Anyway, it's best to exit their lives and leave them both alone. You made a horrible choice by having an A with your friends husband. Double betrayal is awful.

 

Learn from this, apologize to her, let go and move on. Focus on healing and finding happiness again.

[URNotAlone]

I never said it was her fault or anyone forced anyone to do anything. She did ask me to go out with him and mentioned me sleeping with him. Perhaps she was testing him. I don't know. I came here for help on how to get better.

 

If you had asked me would I have ever done that to my friend this time last year I would have said never in a million years too. Yes I know it was obvious he would throw me under the bus that was a given.

 

The reason I came on here was to find ways to cope with the feelings. If I want criticism I would look in my own mind and thoughts these days. But thanks!

[lollipopspot]

I don't really understand encouraging one's friend and husband to go out drinking and dancing repeatedly either. How did she find out about the affair? When it all came out, did you tell her he has cheated before?

 

What are you doing for work/money?

 

I think you need to embark on a course of self improvement/healing. Take some art or music classes, get some therapy, go on hikes, etc. Even if you just do one thing, it seems like you've got to change something.