mortensorchid Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 This evening, I was with the guy I have been seeing for the past few weeks. The other weekend he asked me if I see other guys, I told him no. He made reference to another woman who lives in Toronto, as well as a reference to meeting his family on Thanksgiving. See this thread for more information... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/442958-i-think-we-re-going-steady So tonight, he came over to my place and we were, well, you know (without graphic details). I decided to bring it up since he had sort of invited me to meet his family this weekend, I did not really get a clarification on it. He said "Oh, well, I didn't know if you had any family or friends around here that you planned to see and I didn't want you to be alone. But since you do, I think it might be a little too soon if you come and meet my family." I said ok, that's fine with me. Quite honestly I was a bit relieved because I thought it was too soon as well. Then ... Well, we got to talking about other things ... He had asked me if I see other guys, I said no. He made mention of that Asian woman in Toronto. He said he really likes her, but he really likes me as well. I asked if he planned to travel there sometime soon, he said no as he does not have the money. I asked if she plans to come here anytime soon, he said he wasn't sure. I said to him "Well, I am giving you as practical advice as I am able here for a variety of reasons. LDRs do not work out, this is far more practical, don't you think?" He said he thought so. He then said that the Asian woman does not know about me but now I know about her, and that the mutual friends we have here are cheering for me and him. What do I do now?! I want to play it cool, don't want to turn into a jealous shrew and demand something. What do I do now?!?!?
winny Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 This evening, I was with the guy I have been seeing for the past few weeks. The other weekend he asked me if I see other guys, I told him no. He made reference to another woman who lives in Toronto, as well as a reference to meeting his family on Thanksgiving. See this thread for more information... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/442958-i-think-we-re-going-steady So tonight, he came over to my place and we were, well, you know (without graphic details). I decided to bring it up since he had sort of invited me to meet his family this weekend, I did not really get a clarification on it. He said "Oh, well, I didn't know if you had any family or friends around here that you planned to see and I didn't want you to be alone. But since you do, I think it might be a little too soon if you come and meet my family." I said ok, that's fine with me. Quite honestly I was a bit relieved because I thought it was too soon as well. Then ... Well, we got to talking about other things ... He had asked me if I see other guys, I said no. He made mention of that Asian woman in Toronto. He said he really likes her, but he really likes me as well. I asked if he planned to travel there sometime soon, he said no as he does not have the money. I asked if she plans to come here anytime soon, he said he wasn't sure. I said to him "Well, I am giving you as practical advice as I am able here for a variety of reasons. LDRs do not work out, this is far more practical, don't you think?" He said he thought so. He then said that the Asian woman does not know about me but now I know about her, and that the mutual friends we have here are cheering for me and him. What do I do now?! I want to play it cool, don't want to turn into a jealous shrew and demand something. What do I do now?!?!? As long as he doesn't break it off with her completely... you are not going to be his exclusive girlfriend. Looks like you have had quite a number of dates with him. Now you should step back and let him decide who he wants to be with. Let him know that you cannot continue seeing him anymore coz you are scared of developing feelings for him and getting hurt, since he has feelings for the Asian girl too. See what he does... Don't go out on any more dates till things are clear.
Phoe Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 I personally would not be okay with this situation and would walk away. 12
gaius Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Playing it cool should be reserved for situations when a guy doesn't tell you he really likes another girl but he's here with you instead because he's too poor to go see her. Punishing him for his disrespect would be more apt in this case. 2
Leigh 87 Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 (edited) If he met a girl he was crazy about, he wouldn't see other people. Every guy that has been into me has taken their profile down the first date with me and have told me that they are into me and they can't focus on others; they request that if I don't feel the same way, they would rather find a girl who does. I actually don't advocate jumping in hard or fast. ..... in terms of meeting families and what have you...However, I do know that when men are really into a women, it doesn't take more than a couple of dates to determine whether or not they feel like focusing on others. What sort of relationship do you want? Personally, I prefer a guy who knows within a few dates that he is nuts about me. Guys that fall head over heels during the dating process don't see other women. It seems to be taking this guy a while to decide if you're worthwhile enough to invest in. Most of the guys I know, once they meet a girl who knocks their socks off, they can't imagine being with another woman. Edited November 26, 2013 by Leigh 87
Author mortensorchid Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 Ok, won't see him until he makes the next move to do so.
Emilia Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Ok, won't see him until he makes the next move to do so. Is this really your response? You don't feel slighted or your pride dented or any of those things? You are just happy to go along with what he wants regardless of your own needs and wants? 2
KathyM Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 IMO, three weeks of dating is too soon to be making demands for exclusivity. It sounds like he is not ready for exclusivity yet either. It's good he was honest with you and is not pretending to be exclusive when he really isn't. So he gets points for that. You probably should pull back at this point, and let him know that you really like spending time with him, and getting to know him, but you've probably rushed things too much by bringing sex into the relationship this quickly, and you can see he is not ready to make a commitment to be exclusive, so you'd like to slow things down and spend time getting to know each other on other levels at this point. For future reference, I would suggest having the exclusivity talk before having sex with the guy, so you know where you stand. 2
Author mortensorchid Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 Yeah, I am rethinking all of this. I didn't want to seem like a jealous shrew or a bitch by making a demand or something. I am creating more problems and jealousy within me. I should keep my options open. Who knows? He could come back around, and if he doesn't his loss.
winny Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Is this really your response? You don't feel slighted or your pride dented or any of those things? You are just happy to go along with what he wants regardless of your own needs and wants? If she shouts on him or creates a scene, what difference does it make really? Only wasting energy. Rather she be patient and see what happens... But no more dates with him. Just go on living your life n meeting new guys.
FitChick Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Maybe I missed it, but is this Asian chick even interested in this guy? She probably doesn't want a long distance relationship so he is living in a fantasy world. I'd ask him if he prefers reality or fantasy.
Author mortensorchid Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 So I was on Facebook last night and I got an IM from the guy I was having these doubts about for the last few weeks. He pissed me off but didn't want to make it look like he had pissed me off when I saw him the other week. He asked me if I see other guys, I said at the moment no. He mentioned the Asian girl in Toronto that he was with two months ago (see previous threads for clarification). I decided to back off and not see or talk to him for a while because of it. I said I have a dinner plan with someone tonight (Friday). He said ok, I said I didn't know how he felt about it. He said "Do you feel like you are cheating on me if you go?" I said yes, because I feel like it would be. He said he likes me, but he doesn't know if he is in love with me. I said we'd only known each other a few weeks I wouldn't expect him to know that at this point, we barely know each other. He said he feels like he wants me to be serious with him. I said "Well? What do you think?". (And truth be told, I do because I want to be with someone like we all do.) He said he likes me, he likes being around me, and all that we've done. I said I think it would be a good thing if I disappeared for a while. He said I have been gone a week, I said I can be gone longer. He said he wanted to call and talk about it this weekend. He hoped I wasn't upset with him and asked me not to disappear until after we've talked. I said ok. I'm sad.
Author mortensorchid Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 He's saying he doesn't want to be serious with me. Or am I wrong?
ShyGuy5 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 He likes you, being around you, and what you've done. Why are you pushing him to put a label on it.
ShyGuy5 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 I agree he is not wanting a serious relationship with you now. Men that want a serious relationship will let the girl know. They wont play games, go missing for a week, allow her to go missing. He said he likes me, he likes being around me, and all that we've done the key here is what he DIDNT say. He specifically did not say I can see myself with you long term, or I can see us in a Relationship, or I want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I think he is not that into you. I also think its a bit silly to have these conversations via messaging or text; it should be in person or at least on the phone. I am sorry you are sad. If you want a boyfriend/serious relationship, Id keep looking This is the funny thing about dating. If you say you want a relationship, then girls think you are creepy or weak and walk all over you. What if he just needs more time with you before he knows. You don't get married at first. You get to know the person and as you get to know them you start to like them more and take it to another level or decide that they aren't the person for you.
Author mortensorchid Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 So after going through the nonsense of the last thread (see this for more info:) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/444967-got-some-clarification-new-problems I decided he was being wishy washy enough and I am going to do other things. I think what bothered me me most was the fact that he didn't want to say one thing or another. He said he likes me, he likes the time we spent, he likes hanging out with me but he gets the feeling I want to be serious with him. (Truth be told, I do because I want to be with someone like we all do and he seems like a good guy.) But I was fully miffed, at first I wasn't but I think it took me a while to have it sink in. Quite honestly, I think I am too old to be futzing around with such indecision. So tonight, I went out with the guy that I had mentioned I was going to have dinner with. He said he didn't care if I was with someone or not, but he said he liked me. He said he felt that I want him to be serious with me. I said "What do you think?" because I wanted to hear him say something to the effect of yes or no. He didn't say either way, just that he didn't want to talk about it (this was over an IM). He said he would call me over the weekend and we'd talk about it. Well I was pissed. Tonight I had a date with an MMA fighter who's crazy about me, and I got to be smug. On the inside, didn't boast about it on Facebook or anything. Moving on. Who cares if he calls? I'm cynical and on the knife edge at this moment, had to vent.
Author mortensorchid Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 On a roller coaster ride of emotions because of this. Someone tell me I am doing the right thing or not.
ShyGuy5 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Why are you playing games? Sounds like you are just dating someone else to get him jealous. If you want him go after him, if you don't then just move on and don't worry about him. 1
StanMusial Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Why are you playing games? Sounds like you are just dating someone else to get him jealous. If you want him go after him, if you don't then just move on and don't worry about him. Agreed. Don't drag someone else into your drama.
FitChick Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 If he doesn't want a serious relationship and you do, the solution seems obvious. Cut him loose. Let him see how shallow his dating pool is and he may come back on his knees.
ShyGuy5 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 If he doesn't want a serious relationship and you do, the solution seems obvious. Cut him loose. Let him see how shallow his dating pool is and he may come back on his knees. I think there is a difference between not sure and not serious. He could be a little nervous about committing to a serious relationship right now and he needs more time with you to see how things go. If he was not serious, on the other hand, he might just be looking for some quick hookups and then bounce.
Author mortensorchid Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Well we had our talk this evening. He said he is not ready to settle down and he has others online that he meets. I asked him specifically if he actually knows or has met the online people in question, he said yes (I wasn't sure if he was living in a fantasy world or not but now I am). He also said that I am not as fit as he would like me to be. Of that comment I think I am just about to explode (because I had once weighed 45 lbs heavier than I am now). I said it can literally take you years before you see a person for who they really are, he didn't get that. I said I was going to disappear for a while, a few weeks like I had threatened before. He said that is a good idea. I'm sure he'll see how rough it is out there with or without me. It's been a bad day. But he doesn't deserve me if that's his attitude. 1
fujidabruin Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well we had our talk this evening. He said he is not ready to settle down and he has others online that he meets. I asked him specifically if he actually knows or has met the online people in question, he said yes (I wasn't sure if he was living in a fantasy world or not but now I am). He also said that I am not as fit as he would like me to be. Of that comment I think I am just about to explode (because I had once weighed 45 lbs heavier than I am now). I said it can literally take you years before you see a person for who they really are, he didn't get that. I said I was going to disappear for a while, a few weeks like I had threatened before. He said that is a good idea. I'm sure he'll see how rough it is out there with or without me. It's been a bad day. But he doesn't deserve me if that's his attitude. IMO, good decision on your part. It may be rough emotionally for awhile, but NO CONTACT will get you moving forward. Go back to doing the things you enjoy on your own and with friends. This guy sounds like he was only looking for a FWB or F-buddy situation..... Not what you are looking for, I assume? Good Luck Mortensorchid
mercuryshadow Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well we had our talk this evening. He said he is not ready to settle down and he has others online that he meets. I asked him specifically if he actually knows or has met the online people in question, he said yes (I wasn't sure if he was living in a fantasy world or not but now I am). He also said that I am not as fit as he would like me to be. Of that comment I think I am just about to explode (because I had once weighed 45 lbs heavier than I am now). I said it can literally take you years before you see a person for who they really are, he didn't get that. I said I was going to disappear for a while, a few weeks like I had threatened before. He said that is a good idea. I'm sure he'll see how rough it is out there with or without me. It's been a bad day. But he doesn't deserve me if that's his attitude. A million times no. Let this guy go (not just for the time being - for good!). You shouldn't have to fight this hard for a relationship. You just can't force "right". You may very well like him, and he's entitled to his own needs and wants even if they differ from yours, but he sounds like a shallow, pompous, self-entitled, hypocritical moron (from reading your updates about him). It may be too easy for me to say this, but when someone is crazy about you, and vice versa, none of this bs goes on. I've struck out many times, believe me. It took a long line of strike-outs to finally understand that when something/someone worthwhile comes along, the going is pretty easy. Get back out there. DO NOT hold your breath for this dude. Someone who values you (the ENTIRE YOU, not just what you can give HIM) is out there. Do not allow yourself to settle for this kind of crap. rant over 1
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