Pressured to be in committed relationship within days of being with abusive boyfriend

[greeneyedgirlll]

Dear Readers,

This is my first post on loveshack, although I have been contemplating writing on here for a while. I am a 21 year old woman who is 2 months post breakup. The reason that I am writing on here is because I have been flooded with guilt, shame, and overall feelings of self deprecation and self hatred. Let me explain.

In August of 2010, when I was 18 years old, I met a man , Isaac* (18 as well) that I was extremely attracted to. Incredibly handsome and charming. He became my partner in my first serious relationship, and it soon turned abusive, although it only became clear to me how abusive he was now that it has ended. He constantly told me that I was ugly, fat, worthless, stupid, that I would never find anyone as great as he was. He cheated on me multiple times that I know about, so I can only imagine how many other times he did it. I couldn’t hang out with one of my close, platonic, male friends due to his jealousy despite the fact that I had never cheated on him. Oh god, the list goes on. In April of 2011 our relationship became physically abusive and he hit me for the first time, on my leg, and bruised me. I, stupidly, stayed with him. In December of 2011 he punched me in the face and had caused my nose to break. I had to get surgery that same month.

The relationship had caused me insurmountable pain emotionally. I was “in love” with him, which was the reason that I stayed, which I see now was incredibly stupid. I knew that he was terrible for me, but I still saw him as an amazing person, discounting his flaws and viewing our relationship with rose colored glasses.

Last fall, the fall of 2012, I was 20 years old. My relationship with Isaac was slowly dissipating. I began to withdraw myself from him, as the anxiety, stress, and pain from the relationship was consuming me. I also began to spend more time with one of my co-workers, Matt*. I had never found Matt very attractive, he was around 6’4 and weighed 120 pounds. He was very skinny and I found that very unattractive. I saw him as friend, but I could tell that he wanted more from me. Matt was also 20 years old. Matt and I had begun to hang out more, and he had helped me leave the abusive relationship that I was in, and to this day, I am not sure if I would have left my abusive boyfriend Isaac if it was not for Matt. Matt was extremely caring and helpful to me. When I would talk about Isaac, and how I “loved him” and how maybe he wasn’t that bad, maybe I had pushed him to act that way, Matt would tell me that none of the abuse that Isaac put me through was my fault. He told me that I was a good person, that I was not what Isaac saw me as. My self esteem at that point was very low, and the validation from Matt had helped me, although I didn’t believe all of it due to the insecurities I had from Isaac’s constant belittling of me.

Matt was sitting next to me when I finally ended all ties with Isaac, on the phone. From the moment that I had officially ended anything that I had with Isaac, Matt had wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was very against the idea. I had not been single since I was a couple months out of high school, so my entire adult life I had been in an abusive, terrible, relationship. I wanted to be free, to be single, and to exercise the newfound freedom that I had. I believe that I am attractive, and I wanted to go out with my friends, since I had turned 21 one month after finally ending thing with Isaac.

But Matt would not listen to me when I had explained to him that I wanted to be single, that I could not handle another committed relationship right now. There was not even a single day that I was “single”. I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t have been able to do another relationship without a break in-between. But he had explained to me that if I wasn’t his girlfriend, then he couldn’t be in my life at all. I was so confused; his support was so crucial to me. He had become my closest confidant, my best friend, and also a validator of my self esteem . I didn’t know how I would be okay without him.

During the first few months after I broke up with Isaac, I would tell Matt that I couldn’t be his girlfriend. He gave me the ultimatum once again, and fearing that he would leave me, I gave in and told him that I would be his girlfriend.

I regret that decision immensely, not for my sake, but for his.

I had been unfaithful to Matt a handful of times after I had told him that I would be his girlfriend. I have never felt such remorse, guilt, and pain.

I know that I hurt him immensely.

He had forgave me at first, then, a couple months down the line, he broke up with me, explaining to me that I had mistreated him and that he could not forgive me for he resented me for the infidelity.

I cannot stop thinking about him. He broke up with me in September and it is now nearing the end of November.

I have been NC with him since the 1st week of our break up. I am proud of myself for not contacting him, but it has been very difficult since he was my best friend, and had also helped my healing from the previous breakup.

I have begun to see a therapist to help with the feelings of guilt and shame that I have for betraying Matt.

I guess that I write to you today because I am very confused about my feelings throughout all of this. When I was “with” Matt I had never felt that attracted to him, it was more of a comfortable, best friend, safe, feeling. I had also always felt like there was “something missing” with him. But I loved having him in my life, and he was my closest friend.

I guess that I just don’t understand how now I feel so attracted to him, so in love with him, and I desire him so badly.

Is this normal, to want someone so badly one they have ended things, when during the relationship you were somewhat apathetic towards them?

I feel like an awful person for being unfaithful to him. Knowing that it was due to my mistakes that the relationship failed has been eating me alive. God, break ups suck, don’t they?

I have also been debating writing a letter to him in apology for the hurt and pain that I caused him, but I also do not want him to know that I am still agonizing over our demise, for he seems to be doing just fine without me.

What are your thoughts on the situation? And thank you, truly, for reading.

[fixing]

Yeah, i absolutely despise a cheater. I find myself quite sympathetic towards you (Which i never could imagine me ever feeling sorry for a cheater)

 

But, this 'Matt' kinda forced this relationship to happen. I understand he was madly in love with you, but he forced an ultimatum on you when you were/are still trying to come to terms with an abusive violent, neanderthal scumbag bully mother****ing cunt.

Its a shame he couldnt have given you time, and a break, perhaps you would not have cheated on him? Im hoping you will see you cheated, partly because you were so messed up from that Issac?

I think you should write him a long letter, firstly to apoligise for the disgusting cheating, and secondly to tell him you have very strong feelings for him. He deserves that much, considering you broke his heart by cheating on him.

[greeneyedgirlll]

Fixing-

Thank you so much for replying to me. I appreciate it so much.

I know, I can't believe that I was a cheater. It's so strange to me because when I was cheated on in the previous relationship I swore to myself that I would never put another person through that.

I do think that the reason that I cheated was directly because of the previous situation that I was in, and in my mindset. I feel completely different now, and healed from the abusive relationship. I wish that there was something that I could do to show him how truly sorry I am.

I do think that I will send the letter.

I just wish that I could show him how far I am now from where I was.

I keep dreaming of a second chance, but I know that I can't contact him, out of my own pride and fear of rejection.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry for everything you've endured during your last relationship.

 

Personally I don't think you should trust your judgment right now because you have exercised poor judgment in choosing your last boyfriend. I'd try to figure out why you got together with someone like Isaac in the first place and you should address that in counseling since you've made the brave decision to figure this all out.

 

With Matt it sounds like you don't want him as a boyfriend. You never did. He pressured you into a relationship that you never wanted. He didn't truly respect your wishes yet you make him out to be some kind of saint or something. He isn't. I think deep down you know that or else you wouldn't have tried to end the relationship you truly never wanted by cheating.

 

I understand that Matt was your friend, he built you up during a down time but it was YOU who ended things with Isaac. Matt may have helped you find your strength but the strength was always inside you. You maybe just forgot.

 

You focus too much on these guys and not enough on yourself in my opinion. You say you're in counseling to figure out why you'd cheat. That's a no brainier to me...you cheated because you wanted out.

 

You're strong. You left a bad relationship. You should be proud of yourself and Matt was kind, he was there for you, but that doesn't give him the right to pressure you into anything.

 

If I were you I'd use counseling to look inward instead of putting the focus on these two guys. Figure out why you'd hook up with a guy like Isaac in the first place and allow Matt to force you into a relationship that you never wanted. Both of those actions cry out "low self-esteem".

 

Work on you, who you are, what you love, what makes you happy and what does not. It's hard to look inward which is why so many people shift focus onto others but you're a strong girl, you've proven that. I think you have what it takes inside to be the best you possible...you just might need a little help to get there.