And back on the rollercoaster we go...

[halfalive]

Not looking for judgment here, just some insight into my ex-AP's mind.

 

Here's my story in short bullet points:

 

-Had a 6 month affair with an older married coworker. It got serious to the point where he told me he was in love with me, wanted us to be together and was leaving his wife. After he left her, it all crashed and burned because (in his words) "everything was so complicated and he needed to focus on picking up the pieces". There's a lot more to that story but it would take a book to write it all.

 

-I confessed to my husband and ended up quitting my job and getting a new one. We almost split up but we have children, so we have been going to counseling.

 

-exAP and I had NC for several months before one day he called me to see how I was. I was shocked and so upset and ended up saying a lot more than I should have. Like "I still love you" and "How could you do this to me?"

 

-We went another month or so without speaking again before I cracked and sent him an email saying that I miss him and I don't know how to deal with this. His response was so vague and I can't ever seem to tell how he feels.

 

So on to now. He is now divorced but they have kids as well and I know he is struggling with that. But anyway, we have been emailing back and forth on a regular basis - just platonic stuff. Not addressing the relationship at all, but he'll make a couple of flirty comments here and there.

 

The last couple of weeks, I've been trying to blow off his emails and not answer very often, but after a couple of days, he'll send me an e-mail. What does he want?!?! Is he just bored? Does he miss me? I can't help but think that when I'm bored, I don't email people of the opposite sex on a constant basis. Especially ones that I have a history with where a lot of bad things happened.

 

I kept waiting for "the affair fog" to go away after things went sour and throughout the months of no contact. But it hasn't. I still love him even though I know he's no good for me. I keep telling myself to cut off all contact but I know I don't have the strength to do that. UGH!!! I just wish he would tell me the truth on how he feels.

[bentleychic]

It sounds like he misses you.

 

However, in order for your marriage to continue and be healthy, you need to remove him from your life completely. If that is not your goal, please let your husband know and close that part of your life before moving on, whether that is with the xMM or not.

 

Best wishes!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I see something very different than BC.

 

I see a man, who when he is completely alone, he needs validation. He sends off emails to you, that you respond to...and voila...he is no longer lonely..because you fed him. Then the door knocks, or his phone rings, a text from his kids, oooh...the walking dead is on...gotta go.

 

That is why contact is sporadic and vague....he wants the rush of you choosing him over your husband...he gets it ....every time from you.

 

By the way...he is telling you what he feels about you..always has...through his actions.

 

If you truly feel that you love this man and he will always be a part of your marriage in some fashion, do the decent thing and tell your husband this..so he can make choices about what he wants his life to look like.

[Quiet Storm]

I still love him even though I know he's no good for me.

 

You know he is not good for you.

 

Loving someone doesnt mean we have to act on that love. You can love someone and still realize that you need to stay away from them. It takes strength in order to do it when you are in an intense relationship. You have to have good boundaries. Stay out of situations where you are likely to be we weak. Similar to an alcoholic staying out of bars.

 

Sometimes we must cut out those we love. Maybe it is a toxic parent, or an addict sibling, or an ex- point is that you avoid these people because they aren't good for you.

 

Get some counseling for yourself- they can help you navigate. Focus in your family and healing. Your family is the most important thing, and your actions should reflect that. Your husband is willing to reconcile, your kids deserve an intact family, and this guy has his own issues. You put that at risk by contacting the om.

[bentleychic]

I see something very different than BC.

 

I see a man, who when he is completely alone, he needs validation. He sends off emails to you, that you respond to...and voila...he is no longer lonely..because you fed him. Then the door knocks, or his phone rings, a text from his kids, oooh...the walking dead is on...gotta go.

 

That is why contact is sporadic and vague....he wants the rush of you choosing him over your husband...he gets it ....every time from you.

 

By the way...he is telling you what he feels about you..always has...through his actions.

 

If you truly feel that you love this man and he will always be a part of your marriage in some fashion, do the decent thing and tell your husband this..so he can make choices about what he wants his life to look like.

Oh, it very well could be that he misses her for what she can do for him, how she makes him feel, how she talks him up, etc., etc.

[whichwayisup]

-I confessed to my husband and ended up quitting my job and getting a new one. We almost split up but we have children, so we have been going to counseling.

 

Tell your husband that contact has started up again but you have no intention of re starting the affair. Be honest with your husband, you owe that because you're really lucky he loved you enough to give you a chance after finding out about the affair.

 

You're way too focused on the exMM and what he thinks and feels. I do wonder if you're really ready to let go of him and focus ALL your love and energy into your husband and keeping your family intact. I don't say this to be mean, but start putting your husband's feelings first above your own, and realize that you almost lost all that you love, have got used to, worked hard for. Your family!

 

Put things in real perspective -- Would you leave your H for this now divorced man? Are you truly in love with the MM? IF yes, then end your marriage now and set your husband free. Work out a fair schedule for the kids, shared custody and divorce. Then go be with MM.

 

Are you happy? Bored? Liking the attention of MM again? Do you have self esteem issues? Or do you miss the attention, the affair dynamic and how he made you feel? If so, that ain't love. It's addiction and unhealthy.

 

Have you done marriage counselling on your own and with your husband? If not, go. Otherwise all that work you've done to fix your marriage so far will be down the drain if you continue thinking of xMM and keeping in touch with him.

[halfalive]

Tell your husband that contact has started up again but you have no intention of re starting the affair. Be honest with your husband, you owe that because you're really lucky he loved you enough to give you a chance after finding out about the affair.

 

You're way too focused on the exMM and what he thinks and feels. I do wonder if you're really ready to let go of him and focus ALL your love and energy into your husband and keeping your family intact. I don't say this to be mean, but start putting your husband's feelings first above your own, and realize that you almost lost all that you love, have got used to, worked hard for. Your family!

 

Put things in real perspective -- Would you leave your H for this now divorced man? Are you truly in love with the MM? IF yes, then end your marriage now and set your husband free. Work out a fair schedule for the kids, shared custody and divorce. Then go be with MM.

 

Are you happy? Bored? Liking the attention of MM again? Do you have self esteem issues? Or do you miss the attention, the affair dynamic and how he made you feel? If so, that ain't love. It's addiction and unhealthy.

 

Have you done marriage counselling on your own and with your husband? If not, go. Otherwise all that work you've done to fix your marriage so far will be down the drain if you continue thinking of xMM and keeping in touch with him.

 

 

I know, I know, I know. You are all saying what I don't want to hear.

 

I know I'm in love with him but I don't know how a real relationship with him would work out. The desperate side of me says that he is being vague on how he feels because he is just such a [FONT=Segoe UI Semibold]chivalrous man that he doesn't want me to make a decision based on his feelings for me. (Which he said when things were going downhill - that I needed to make a decision on leaving based on ME and not on HIM.)[/FONT]

[FONT=Segoe UI Semibold][/FONT]

[FONT=Segoe UI Semibold]Yes, I know I'm just being ridiculous and childish in that regards...[/FONT]

[mikecr50]

If you ask him point blank his answer may make you mad enough to end it, or he'll just lie to you. You either in an affair with him or end it. If you want an opinion end it, if he wanted you he'd have already let you know-sorry. Staying friends and chit chatting is just torturing yourself.