Dating=head games

[skela]

Why is dating a series of head games? Why can't people just be themselves. I read about people who wait a certain period of time before they respond to messages so they don't appear to anxious or carefully craft responses....It just seems like a big head game. Why can't you just be yourselves. If you get back from a date and you want to text right away and say had a great time let's do it again - then do it. If you want to have sex with someone than say it. If you have to pretend to be something that you are not then this person is not for you. If they are judging you then screw em - they aren't for you. Anyone agree??

[skela]

I saw this today:

If you want to be with me say so! If you're talking to other people let me know so I can do my thing too. If we're only talking to each other so we can grow into something special, let me know so I can show you how loyal and trustworthy I am. If your not ready for a serious relationship, let me know from the jump. But please, please do NOT make me fall for you if you're not planning on catching me.

[crederer]

I agree that in the early stages, dating is a big head game. Right or wrong, it's the way it is. It doesn't mean that YOUR relationship has to be this way, take some charge and see how she responds.....or play it safe and play the games lol,

[skela]

I'm actually a female :-) I don't have time for the games at the beginning of the dating ritual - I just say what's on my mind.

[crederer]

Sorry about the gender thing, but my response still applies.

[skela]

Sorry about the gender thing, but my response still applies.

 

No worries. I have been told quite a few times that I deal with things more like a guy :-)

[skela]

because people have been hurt & made mistakes they don't quite understand well enough to know how to prevent from making again, & having relationships is the only way to find out, which is a catch-22 situation, so the only option is to try to somehow maneuver around with a bunch of baggage in such a way that the other person hopefully cannot see it, or it looks minimized, like wearing that little black dress.

 

Well I try not to let other people's thoughtless and idiotic behaviour shape who I am or how I act. When I'm in a relationship with someone and that includes friendships as well I treat it like a responsibility. People are putting not only their physical well being but their emotional well being your hands and that is quite an honour and we should treat that with the utmost of respect. The immature will manhandle, abuse and play with.

[jba10582]

Think of a young child with little life experience. They go on to play and enjoy life more in their true sense of self and act in ways that seem like mindless naivety to an over-thinking adult. These children go to school, become exposed to vast arrays of media exposure, and experience family, friends, jobs, relationships, careers.... These children grow up to experience life. Many become identified/conditioned with the life that they have lived, so much, that at some point, it becomes more and more difficult to live in the moment for what it is, rather than through the filter of reality that has shaped their beliefs and perceptions of what it is or what it should be. Think of how many people develop checklist of needs that they want fulfilled or maybe they allow new connections to develop and even a spiritual interconnectedness to life itself. The Ego is clever in ways that create both limiting and empowering beliefs that focus on threats of future punishments to protect their image of themselves or shift the focus on future success and rewards.

[skela]

The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and out authentic imperfections. when we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we pen ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness and real success.

[winny]

Always have been myself.

Always told people when I liked them. Never lead anyone on.

Doesn't seem work till date

 

My girl friends who play mind games seem to land good guys... married even...

 

I don't know any mind games... And I am single.

 

I am hoping to find a guy one day who is like me...

[Phoe]

If there's one thing I can safely say, it's that I have never played games throughout my dating experiences, and none of the guys who dated me played them either.

 

I haven't dated many men, but at least those dates were easy and there was never any mind games going on. Just simple "getting to know each other"

[ThatMan]

I've found that the most sincere individuals are determined to claim ownership of their choices and actions without approval seeking. This is actually the biggest reason why confidence can be a good thing. Finding a good spouse begins with you and it takes practice to easily recognize what you're searching for. It does become easier with time to sort out the good ones when dating. What should always come first is you. You have the power to end any abuse by walking away. Never give anyone the control to mistreat you by being compelled to remain simply because you fell for an act. Abuse is never acceptable and you deserve better. This will continue to be a painful mindgames until you learn that you may decide for yourself if somebody is good for you or not.

Edited November 26, 2013 by ThatMan

[Under The Radar]

Because people believe there are "Rules" (which there aren't) to dating which are often times perpetuated by the internet and friends/family. Sure, nobody should come across as "over the top" needy or some other unattractive trait.

 

Many people are insecure and/or want what they cannot have. Unfortunately, people end up in relationships with someone they really don't know because of games in the initial dating process. Being yourself is the way to go.

[skela]

i would call what you describe abuse, not dating games.

 

jeopardizing someone's physical or emotional well-being, & otherwise disrespecting them, is beyond dating games, it is abuse. these people usually have a history of abuse both as victim & aggressor, & while they are a part (sometimes it seems a large part) of the dating scene, they are not the general population.

 

when i think of dating games i think of superficial things done to minimize flaws, feign disinterest so as to not be clingy, omit things like how awful their job or financial situation is, etc. these things may mislead a new interest into thinking the person has more 'game' than they actually do, but once they get to know the person better & find out, it's not such a big deal in greater context.

 

your posts lead me to question whether some in the dating scene cannot discern between dangerous qualities in people they only just met, & someone who merely leaves out personal details in the short term in order to get more time with someone they like.

 

j

 

Interesting point of view. I think that a lot of the time when people are playing these dating games they are hurting people and many times they might not even realize it. If you do something to someone that makes them wary of being open and honest with the next person then maybe it is abusive but it does happen a lot. Just read this board. I played a joke on someone recently that didn't end well and it was very important to me to make sure they knew that I wasn't being vindictive because I didn't want to make them not trust the next person that came along - if that makes sense.

[Mascara]

I was in two minds about posting this, but here goes. Just don't take this as an attack, ok?

 

In your case OP, I actually don't think you're being honest with yourself. I think you're WAY more invested than you admit. It's like you're trying to put across this Crazy Sexy Cool persona, but it's not quite working.

 

You're not going to agree with me, but that's ok... here's my take.

 

There are 2 situations with you recently, and I'm going to recap because people may not have read your previous threads. The first was a much younger guy of 27? (OP is mid 40s I believe). You kept saying how you only wanted him for sex, but your posts came across as a woman much keener than that. You were analytical, intense and just....obsessed. That's how it came across.

 

The second was with a former member on LS. Another younger man, who was all "wow, if I had a hot older woman after ME I'd be all up in it"

 

Honestly OP, your exchanges with him were painful to observe. The way you acted in that situation again made you come across like a woman trying to prove something.

 

I'm your age. You might think you're being liberated and cool and open about your sexuality, but there's a ....brittleness.... about you that is obvious to me.

 

So in order to answer your OP, I'm going to assume it refers to the second guy. It's not that he's playing head games. It's that he probably saw (eventually) what was obvious to me - that this forwardly sexual person wasn't quite the whole story, and you started acting much keener than you originally let on.... just like you did with the first guy.

 

I get it, really I do. You're a certain age, like me, and I think newly single? You've had a lot of stuff going on. You probably need to get a few things out of your system.

 

But in my opinion, you're going about it in entirely the wrong way.

[skela]

I don't take it as an attack at all - I always welcome other people's point of view. It's good to see how people view you. I'm not trying to come across as crazy sexy cool - I'm just saying that I don't agree with the fact that if I go out with someone and I have a good time that I'm going to wait 2 days and 5 hours before I text him and say that because I might come across as "too eager" and then turn him off. I don't see the point in that. And with the 27 yr old I did really only want him for a physical relationship because I don't have the time to be in an involved relationship. I've actually been single for many years LOL. I'm a single mom so haven't had time to date and was feeling the need for some male physical attention. And to update he actually contacted me after asking to get together and still communicates with me. Due to something that came up in my life, my focus in life changed and that wasn't something I could deal with at that point but we talk a few times a week. I have never said the guy from LS was playing games - what I said was that I was playing a joke on him that I got distracted from completing and I sent him an email letting him know what was really going on.

 

A brittleness - hmmmm..... you could be right. I have been hurt by people in the past who have played games instead of being upfront and open. Which is why I understand the importance of not doing that. I think also the difference between being in my 20's and in my 40's is also I don't have the time or desire to waste time playing "dating games"

[Mascara]

Date guys in their 20s and that's all you'll get (sorry 20s guys. Obviously not YOU)

 

I broke up with someone 12 years younger than me last year, couldn't be doing with it. Now dating someone 3 years younger, and that's about right.

 

But 27? God no. Not even for sex.

[skela]

Date guys in their 20s and that's all you'll get (sorry 20s guys. Obviously not YOU)

 

Sorry, I don't understand...obviously not me? 27, 35 40 if we're just FWB does it really make a big difference. If I wanted to LTR I would definitely place a higher value on age, maturity etc. I think there are a lot of men in their 40's that haven't grown up yet LOL. I have dedicated many, many years to raising my kids completely on my own and now I just want to have some fun - not settle down and have a serious relationship. I don't lie to anyone about my age so the decision is theirs as well. They have the option to walk away if they want to. I'm open and honest with them - no pretences :-)

[Mascara]

I meant obviously not the 20s guys who might be reading this.

 

As to your other comments.... well that's kinda my original point. You say all this - and I'm sure it's true - but you're coming across in an entirely different way. You're probably scaring them off - your aim is to seem just like you're up for some fun, but you come across as REALLY intense and quite needy.

 

So, maybe work on that. I don't think it's anything more major than that. It's a small thing to work on. 20s guys obviously scare easily, which is why I make my point about age.

[skela]

Get you. Well, I can't respond on how these two guys see me. The first one wants to get together still but I have to focus on an issue with one of my kids right now so that's where my mind is at right now. But maybe after... The second one, he was ready to fly out to Toronto for some fun but I messed that up due to again putting my focus on my child. My daughter's doctor asked me out on a date this week but i told him we could maybe discuss it when she is no longer under his care - he is 12 years younger than me LOL. I don't think I come across desperate - don't know. But I do know when to put my priorities first over sex and men. And hey, I haven't had sex in a WHILE so hmmm...maybe I am needy in that department - sometimes a vibrator just doesn't cut it :-)

[Mascara]

Hmmm I wouldn't say desperate, I think I did use that as an adjective in my first post, but deleted it because it wasn't what I meant. Intense is a better description.

 

The first guy I think is rubber banding. You both flirt / you take it to the next level / he scares / you back off / he kicks himself and tentatively puts out the feelers again.

 

The second guy was just looking for an excuse to bail IMO. I think he too got scared when it became real.

[skela]

 

The first guy I think is rubber banding. You both flirt / you take it to the next level / he scares / you back off / he kicks himself and tentatively puts out the feelers again.

 

The second guy was just looking for an excuse to bail IMO. I think he too got scared when it became real.

 

He's not tentatively putting out feelers at all - he's very direct about what he wants and he knows what my situation is right now - I guess if when I'm ready he backs off again then I will have to concede and say you are right :-) But if anything I have gained a friend because we also have some great conversations. Second guy - no I'm pretty confident that was definitely my fault.

 

The thing with posting on a board is that you have to be open to hearing other people's opinions; good and bad - and you have given me something to think about. Thank you.

 

But I still think that people aren't as open as they should be when dating and there are too many games that are played.

[charlietheginger]

This why my attraction is mental not physical... im not attracted to people who play games ,snobby or feel the world should be handed to them becuase she has a pretty face...

Women like that may seem attractive from a distance but once they open their mouths and show who they really are they become very ugly...

 

Imo id rather date down...

yup id rather date a fat chick or ugly chick becuase usually they are

the sweetest nicest people on earth AND THATS WHAT IM ATTRACTED TO

is a nice woman... In a world of rude nasty bitter selfish people finding

a nice woman is hard to do....

 

i recently have been on a few dates with a woman who is 5'4 220lbs we hangout

play pool sing karaoke when we are together we really enjoy each other. no games

she knows i work alot and can go out weekend nights...

 

no games

 

when i call she picks up the phone or calls back within reasonable time

when i text she text me back

when we hangout she is eazy to talk to

 

when women play the "oh im buzy i guess we can go out "

Its a big turn off.... now when a women sounds excited you called

and WANTS to see you now thats a TURN ON...

 

big gurls imo dont play games they are happy just to have a man

Interested in them....

 

if i met a thin pretty girl that didnt play games and wanted to get

to know each other id go for it... but as it stands the pretty girls play

to many games. Fat chicks like to be cuaght while skinny chicks run a guy

around in circles..

Edited November 27, 2013 by charlietheginger

[skela]

Charlietheginger I get what you`re saying. The games are frustrating. Is it fair though to say that all attractive girls play games and that all larger girls are so happy to have the attention that they are more open. Could it not just be a personality thing.