Girlfriend says waiting is a "given"? Since when?

[helloworldguy]

I talked to her about it today and she said its just something that she wanted to do.

Edited November 26, 2013 by helloworldguy

[ThomasD]

. . . Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of.

 

The reality is, if she feels that way about sex, she was probably raised to believe that and there's not much you can do to change that. . . .

Or possibly there's a traumatic or shameful experience in her past that formed her attitude. Like you say, it probably isn't likely the OP would be very successful at changing that attitude if he takes it up as a do-it-yourself project, but some people HAVE turned around from attitudes like that.

 

As for ending the relationship it does sound like a pretty fundamental mismatch at this time. Although his remarks were not appropriate in the context where he spoke, there is truthfulness behind Adm (then Senator) Jeremiah Denton's comment that ". . . when you get married, you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex.". If that's not true for BOTH partners entering a marriage - not just to "get sex", but to "want sex" - I would question whether they should be marrying each other.

 

This would be a "shallow" reason to end the relationship only if there was no effort by the couple to identify and address the problem. Even after some honest attempts to resolve the mismatch it could still be an embarrassing reason to end it - we may see the G/F posting on this Forum about how she met this great guy and they dated for 5 months, but "all he wanted was sex".

[ThomasD]

I talked to her about it today and she said its just something that she wanted to do.

Ummmm . . . . help us understand the antecedents in this sentence. Is the "it" that she "just wanted to do a reference to having sex, waiting for marriage, expecting you to wait, or something else? And is this one-line statement meant to be a question, an answer to another question, a supplement to a previous post, or something else?

 

(Sitting there all by itself this statement is difficult to understand.)

[Ninjainpajamas]

These "clash of values" is going to end you up with the short end of the stick....shes' not sexual, otherwise she would be dying to get in your pants as much as her...even if her values were to wait till marriage and then you hear that she's repulsed and discussed about sex and you're on the more sexual side? ha!

 

You think it's shallow dumping her for not wanting to be intimate or even the desire to be, well your @ss might be thinking differently when you're married and not having any sex at all and you've wasted years with a girl who just saw it at these useless and necessary evil to being married...she's not going to care about your needs, she expects you to be ok with this because she expects you to feel about sex the same way she does...she doesn't know or care what you really need or want it's going to come down to hers.

 

You could be having a ton of sex right now with a girl with a normal sex drive...albeit many of them are having sex to feel "loved" but at least you're having sex...the worst part of this is that you'll consider marriage for it, that's not going to end well at all...you're not going to be able to take these wasted years back once you figure out you've made the wrong selection in wifey material...and you'll have zero experience with women and little to none with this sex wife that you'll never really have once you get married...I doubt she cares much at all.

 

Hopefully you wise up and see that this whole thing is more than about sex, this is your life and happiness, this is about compatibility and needs...and guess what...yours aren't going to matter, I can just about guarantee you that....and whatever crap you read on the internet about psychology will do you know go, if you think therapist can't fix people and professionals who've done it for years and years what in the world thinks that you're capable of it? ...young and naive, you have no clue...you don't go to break up with her if you don't want to, but in the end I doubt you'll think it was worth it...but maybe that's what you need right now.

[ChessPieceFace]

I talked to her about it today and she said its just something that she wanted to do.

 

If it's not due to deep religious convictions and family pressures (for both of you) then you're on course to probably wreck your life right now. Controlling wife, sexless marriage, a couple kids and then a divorce. Listen to your elders.

[Grumpybutfun]

Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. It just didnt feel the greatest when she said that. Also, she doesnt seem like a very sexual person at all, i hug and kiss her alot and she rarely does it back. I was also reading my Psychology textbook and taking notes on the computer when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of.

 

You two are incompatible. It is one thing to wait because you want a special wedding night, but to think the act is repulsive is a huge red flag. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit unless celibacy is something you think you will enjoy forever. Her views are skewed on sex, not just sex before marriage.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[nomadic_butterfly]

You two are incompatible. It is one thing to wait because you want a special wedding night, but to think the act is repulsive is a huge red flag. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit unless celibacy is something you think you will enjoy forever. Her views are skewed on sex, not just sex before marriage.

Good Luck,

Grumps

 

Wholeheartedly agree! I am celibate and if a guy told me sex was repulsive I would exit left!! When people are patient and unselfish sex is beyond amazing but if her hesitations aren't soley based on not wanting to risk getting pregnant at all and believing sex is super special between man and wife only you will be in for a surprise. I think you should ask why she thinks it is repulsive? Maybe she was exposed to whacky porn? Sexually abused? I honestly never in my life met a person, even the virgins I know who thought it to be repulsive. That is insane. No way I'd sign up for a sexless marriage or one where my husband didn't make love to me but rather had sex out of obligation. Discuss this from now.

[pteromom]

OP - you need to have a much deeper conversation with her about sex. Ask her if she is looking forward to sex in marriage. Ask her what a perfect sex life would be like for her. Ask her what her feelings are about blow jobs and hand jobs and receiving oral. Ask her about her turn-ons and turn-offs.

 

Then use all that information to decide if what she wants really lines up with what you want.

 

If you are actually thinking about moving forward toward marriage, you need to know all this stuff.

[lovelorcet]

There are many red flags blazing here... Maybe she is just not that into you...

[samsungxoxo]

and no she just wants hugs and kisses. Nothing more.

As a 26 year-old woman, I'm not sure if I would stay in a long-term relationship for a couple years with only hugs and kisses. I'm all for waiting and not letting a guy have sex with me right away, but I would expect that within the 4th month or so, things start to progress to more than just kissing in a relationship.

 

And this is coming from a very low-count one that only had 1 sex partner (my now ex bf). I really can't see how one has to wait till marriage to finally have sex and do the other stuff.

[Phantom888]

Waiting till marriage is a BAD idea. I used to think it would be nice to marry a virgin, but it turned out to be years of suffering. I married a virgin when I was 22 (she was 25). We were from different countries so I didn't have any expectations. We dated for a few months and got married. The sex was horrible from the beginning. We had such different ideas about what we liked and what we didn't. After 12 years of emotional pain, I filed for divorce.

 

I plan to marry my current GF because we are so compatible, and the sex is mind-blowing!!! I'm glad I learned a valuable lesson early on so that I know exactly what I want in life.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Waiting till marriage is a BAD idea. I used to think it would be nice to marry a virgin, but it turned out to be years of suffering. I married a virgin when I was 22 (she was 25). We were from different countries so I didn't have any expectations. We dated for a few months and got married. The sex was horrible from the beginning. We had such different ideas about what we liked and what we didn't. After 12 years of emotional pain, I filed for divorce.

 

I plan to marry my current GF because we are so compatible, and the sex is mind-blowing!!! I'm glad I learned a valuable lesson early on so that I know exactly what I want in life.

 

On the contrary there are people who wait and have great sex lives. I know some :-). Although I am celibate I will discuss once engaged what I will and wont do. I'm not a virgin so I know what I like.

 

The difference between good sex and bad sex usually is communication, openess, being on the same page as to what activities are expected, ability to be selfless and patiently learning the other person's body. If you can have an honest discussion of how it can be improved and two parties are willing to comply, it can go from bad/awkward to good.

 

The bad lovers I've had were selfish and only cared about getting theirs. Be it the one who came after literally 2 minutes, didn't tell me, barely made any sounds but the beet red face was the giveaway. Didn't even offer to get me off in return but I was so turned off at that point it didn't matter and I never wanted to go there again. Probably my biggest sexual regret was crossing that line with a friend.

 

The second bad lover was someone who had all demands of what he wants me to do, half-heartedly reciprocated once in a blue moon, pulled out/stopped when he knew I was about to cum, criticized my body and everything I did, and blatantly said "so what" when I mentioned in our 7 months together I've never climaxed. Oh, and he was cheating via phone sex as well.

 

The other few who were good lovers cared about me getting off as well, made me feel comfortable enough to express how and where to touch me, had good rhythm, and got off on me getting off. It helped that I really cared and respected them and vice versa. It's not an open shut case like you are making it out to be. I've also found that people who wont compromise otherwise will translate into the sex life as well.

[befriendlyplease]

Or possibly there's a traumatic or shameful experience in her past that formed her attitude.

 

I think OP is having a traumatic and shameful experience right now.

[ThomasD]

OP - you need to have a much deeper conversation with her about sex. Ask her if she is looking forward to sex in marriage. Ask her what a perfect sex life would be like for her. Ask her what her feelings are about blow jobs and hand jobs and receiving oral. Ask her about her turn-ons and turn-offs.

 

Then use all that information to decide if what she wants really lines up with what you want.

 

If you are actually thinking about moving forward toward marriage, you need to know all this stuff.

Yes, that kind of information would go a LONG way toward making an informed decision about continuing the relationship. That's what I was referring to in a previous post when I said that breaking up over this would be "shallow" only if there was no attempt to face (and hopefully, attempt to resolve) the mismatch between OP and his G/F.

 

I suspect that, regardless of the girl's belief about sex in marriage (whether she expects it to be a necessary evil to get children, or whether she hopes to go through "Joy of Sex" cover-to-cover on the honeymoon) it will take some time and effort for OP to get accurate answers to these questions at this point in their relationship. The virgin I married specifically said, about 6 weeks into our active dating period, that if she intended to be a virgin when her wedding day dawned, but to have A LOT of sex after she was married. (By the time we did get married I was convinced that she meant it, and in fact it has been true.) By the time she said that there had been some rather serious kissing and hugging and making out, and we were at the point of defining sexual boundaries. It doesn't sound like the OP's girlfriend would be that forthcoming.

[ThomasD]

Or possibly there's a traumatic or shameful experience in her past that formed her attitude.

I think OP is having a traumatic and shameful experience right now.

Yeah, she's inflicting some trauma on him . . . and we're probably causing some embarrassment with the comments in this thread . . . but I don't think there's anything shameful here.

[salparadise]

I think OP is having a traumatic and shameful experience right now.

 

I think it's likely that OP has long been taught to subjugate his needs, and has no expectation that he would qualify for a reciprocal relationship. I think he needs to get in therapy to learn that one can be assertive and still be accepted. And that have some reasonable expectations is perfectly reasonable.

[MalachiX]

This sounds bad (sorry).

 

The waiting for sex isn't the end of the world but her, "I just assumed it was a given" comment made me think that it's not even a real need on her part but just something she assumes is expected by society.

 

Personally, I might have been willing to wait had I met the love of my life at age 20 but I also think it would worry me if I couldn't gage the passion in our relationship until marriage. I think of the people I've loved and passion was part of this. I'm not talking about just banging our brains out. I mean that we loved each other and were excited about each other. When we'd make love it would be hard to seperate the physical from the emotional. I don't know if I could get married without being sure that passion was there.

 

The fact that she doesn't want to be the least bit sexual (beyond hugs and kisses) and the fact that she's not even very affectionate with you would be an immediate deal breaker. Add to that the fact that she says she finds sex repulsive and you've pretty much got a no-win situation. If you wait to get married you'll likely find that she just sleeps with you out of a sense of duty which will make you feel even more unloved and unsatisfied. I couldn't do that.

 

Sex is a huge step, and I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion on this thread but it was designed to be between a husband and a wife. It is a very intimate and emotional thing. A part of that other person stays with you forever, and you give them a piece of yourself and if you just go handing out to everyone pretty soon you wont have anything left to give to your future spouse. God designed it for a husband and wife to make it special. When someone waits for you, in my opinion it is a great honor and means a lot. It is also about respecting yourself.

 

Here's what I don't quite get about a lot of religious people on these boards. I have a great respect for faith and I've been religious at times in my life. What I never did was feel the need to tell people that I know 100% for sure what God wanted or suggest that my faith trumped theirs (or lack there of). Not every faith shares your view of God or sex. There's also a great deal of people (both religious and not); who don't think that having sex before marriage means you lack self respect.

[nomadic_butterfly]

This sounds bad (sorry).

 

Here's what I don't quite get about a lot of religious people on these boards. I have a great respect for faith and I've been religious at times in my life. What I never did was feel the need to tell people that I know 100% for sure what God wanted or suggest that my faith trumped theirs (or lack there of). Not every faith shares your view of God or sex. There's also a great deal of people (both religious and not); who don't think that having sex before marriage means you lack self respect.

 

Who's said, "I know 100% for sure what God wanted or suggest that my faith trumped theirs (or lack there of)?"

 

Genuinely curious. I think most people coming from a "religious" angle are stating things through a Judaeo lens even though there might be more, less mainstream religions that preach chastity.

 

Most people follow (or don't follow) what they perceive to be the ultimate truth or closest truth. Naturally this shapes their convictions. No one can force these view on adults. It is either accepted or not.

[ascendotum]

Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. It just didnt feel the greatest when she said that. Also, she doesnt seem like a very sexual person at all, i hug and kiss her alot and she rarely does it back. I was also reading my Psychology textbook and taking notes on the computer when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of.

 

 

The bolded above is something you really need to take into consideration in the long term. Do you want to want wait around to marry her in 2 or whatever years time to then discover that your advances still get swatted away most of the time and you get a lot of 'I'm just not in the mood today honey' remarks. Or even when you do have sex she is tepid and its done out of obligation. If you don't want to look forward to a veeerry ordinary sex life, then you need to really evaluate your options. You have options, lots of options for girls that will make you happier. Sexual incompatibility is not a shallow thing to end the relationship by by any means imo. Waiting is one thing, but her attitude just makes her such a dodgy bet, if you really want an exciting sex life.

 

I'm surprised you were not more annoyed that she waited 5 mths before telling you her philosophy on sex. That's a big deal to keep from your bf. Most guys would have escalated the talk sooner by going for more each time they hugged their girl with a boner busting their pants. Anyway, I would not worry about looking shallow. Do what is in your best long term interests.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Most guys would have escalated the talk sooner by going for more each time they hugged their girl with a boner busting their pants. Anyway, I would not worry about looking shallow.

 

LMBO :lmao::lmao:

[nomadic_butterfly]

Sex is a huge step, and I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion on this thread but it was designed to be between a husband and a wife. It is a very intimate and emotional thing. A part of that other person stays with you forever, and you give them a piece of yourself and if you just go handing out to everyone pretty soon you wont have anything left to give to your future spouse. God designed it for a husband and wife to make it special. When someone waits for you, in my opinion it is a great honor and means a lot. It is also about respecting yourself.

 

He's already stated they are not religious which is what makes it odd. As a Christian I'm not debating this particular philosophy; even other posters have acknowledged "waiting" in the context of being "of the faith" (Christian, Muslim, Jewish, etc.) is not most alarming. It's very alarming that she finds the act itself repulsive. Sounds like a psychological issue with it.

 

I am celibate but when I am married my husband NEEDS be giving me lots and lots and lots of sex. I will make this clear beforehand so we have congruent expectations. I am not holding out only to get married and be dismissed. She finds the act itself repulsive. Not the act of doing it outside of marriage repulsive. Huge difference. Our two biggest appetites biologically are food and sex.

[MalachiX]

Who's said, "I know 100% for sure what God wanted or suggest that my faith trumped theirs (or lack there of)?"

 

I think you just accidentally revealed one of your other accounts You might want to pay attention which user I was quoting when I made my comments.

 

If you'd like to have a discussion about what I found objectionable in that post, I'm more than happy to (assuming it is in fact your post).

[nomadic_butterfly]

I think you just accidentally revealed one of your other accounts You might want to pay attention which user I was quoting when I made my comments.

 

If you'd like to have a discussion about what I found objectionable in that post, I'm more than happy to (assuming it is in fact your post).

 

I don't have any other accounts. I scrolled up after I replied and realized someone was going on and one about their religious philosophy, self respect etc. etc. I've already replied to him as well.