helloworldguy Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Hello, i have been dating a girl for about 5 months now. She finally told me she was going to wait till marraige to have any sex. I was bummed out by this because i think intimacy is the next natural step when two people love each other. I grew up with this girl and we have known each other way more than 5 months. Anyway im willing to wait on her because i think shes that special and when the sex topic came up and she told me, i let her know how i felt but that i would still support her decision and that she didnt have to worry about that. When i told her i would support her she looked at me and said "well i thought that was a given". I got pretty annoyed and changed the topic. But how is waiting a "given?" 90 % of guys wouldnt do what i do for this girl. It makes me feel unappreciated given that's a huge step for me. And also why do these girls who want to wait till marriage do it? Is it like a badge of honor to them, being able to say they waited? 2
todreaminblue Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 A womans virtue is worth more than rubies unfortunately at five years mine was taken from me....leaving me less than valuable so i fuc ked up royally and treated myself as not valuable for years....i now have my value back fuc......ked if i am going to let some guy take it from me again..ill give it....not have it taken...........when i give myself to someone i would hope the guy recognised how special i actually am .......instead of judging me and finding me lacking.......that would hurt ....i struggle with my own self worth thinking it is too late to reclaim my virtue....been celibate for six years....i have this heart sinking feeling....it is too late....respect your woman.....it is a given......so give it....respect........deb
pteromom Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Hello, i have been dating a girl for about 5 months now. She finally told me she was going to wait till marraige to have any sex. That seems like a long time to wait to have that conversation! I was bummed out by this because i think intimacy is the next natural step when two people love each other....When i told her i would support her she looked at me and said "well i thought that was a given". She said waiting is a given, or your supporting her is a given? It makes me feel unappreciated given that's a huge step for me. And also why do these girls who want to wait till marriage do it? Is it like a badge of honor to them, being able to say they waited?A badge of honor? No. Some girls just believe it is something very special that only happens within marriage. Others just like moving very slowly in an attempt not to get hurt. You said that for you, intimacy is the next natural step. Obviously, for her, MARRIAGE is the next natural step, and intimacy comes after. It's a clash of values. You guys aren't compatible when it comes to this. So you can either wait longer, or move on. 6
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 So basically she'll do everything but penis in vagina? Some guys can live with that limit - most I'd say won't.
Author helloworldguy Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 yea it took awhile, she's always been shy about this so i waited to let her bring it up on her own because the one time i tried to talk about it she said she didn't want to talk about it. She meant given as in i would automatically wait for her. Which i will but i dont think it was a given. What if intimacy doesnt work out after marriage? are you basically screwed for life unless you divorce?
Author helloworldguy Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 and no she just wants hugs and kisses. Nothing more.
GorillaTheater Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 and no she just wants hugs and kisses. Nothing more. Nothing wrong with that, but it wouldn't work for me. How about you? 2
Author helloworldguy Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 I would definetley give it a shot. It just seemed like she didnt even care about what i had to say and automaticlly assumed i would wait. She assumed right but i had no voice at all. Do woman not realize how hard it is for guys to do this. I understand it difficult for them too but guys are just different. Its much harder especially when i dont see the point of it beside she wants to do it. So i guess here i am, waiting again...
Mascara Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I think she was paying you a compliment. She was saying that she never for one moment thought you'd break up with her because she wanted to wait. 7
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Hello, i have been dating a girl for about 5 months now. She finally told me she was going to wait till marraige to have any sex. I was bummed out by this because i think intimacy is the next natural step when two people love each other. I grew up with this girl and we have known each other way more than 5 months. Anyway im willing to wait on her because i think shes that special and when the sex topic came up and she told me, i let her know how i felt but that i would still support her decision and that she didnt have to worry about that. When i told her i would support her she looked at me and said "well i thought that was a given". I got pretty annoyed and changed the topic. But how is waiting a "given?" 90 % of guys wouldnt do what i do for this girl. It makes me feel unappreciated given that's a huge step for me. And also why do these girls who want to wait till marriage do it? Is it like a badge of honor to them, being able to say they waited? Just make sure you absolutely mean it when you say you will stick around and you are right, most guys will not. For moral reasons, I've decided to be celibate. It's super hard to do when you used to be a nympho with the person you love but besides the religious context, I am tired of the results I've gotten doing it "my way" so I am trying something different. I think this will be problematic in the future b/c you guys are super young and unless you both are religious (usually, always exceptions) it is not going to work. You will also have to be super careful not to position yourself to be tempted (i.e. sleepovers) if you want to keep that. I think her answer was a bit snobby and you should have spoken about sexual expectations way earlier. You were probably assuming you would eventually make love when the time was right and she was probably oblivious of how big of a deal this is. I know some don't count it as full celibacy but I will only go to 3rd based before marriage. I know that will ruffle some of my "Christian" constituents feathers but I unfortunately have had that forbidden fruit and I need some level of sustenance and upon marriage he can enter my pearly gates. I will say though some men I've dated wouldn't even kiss until marriage so if I met someone like that, there's be no sort of hanky panky beforehand. I'd be surprised if she was surprised if you broke up over this. I usually will tell a guy (even a "Christian guy") my stance by the 3rd or 4th date. Some men say they're ok with it and bail. Others stick around and other reasons causes the romance to fall through. I don't know it is a very tough call.
ThomasD Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 . . . When i told her i would support her she looked at me and said "well i thought that was a given". . . . I think you two have just discovered something about each other, and your fundamental beliefs, that you didn't know before. That isn't bad in itself - in fact, it's a sign of a maturing relationship. It looks like you can accommodate each other's beliefs within your relationship. In her mind there may be a question about your commitment to sexual exclusivity, both before and after marriage. She may also wonder about your previous activity along those lines. That may be a follow-on serious discussion between you two. I think the popular term is "retroactive jealousy", though that sounds like an attempt to over-simplify a complicated process. You gotta be honest on this - it may be embarrassing but even if you've sown a lot of wild oats you can still pray for a crop failure. And her understanding and forgiveness. 1
crederer Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 She assumed it was a given that youd wait because you seem like the kind of guy that would support that. It wasn't meant as an insult, I'm sure. 3
AHaze Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Hello, i have been dating a girl for about 5 months now. She finally told me she was going to wait till marraige to have any sex. Dump, Next...
ThomasD Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 . . . What if intimacy doesnt work out after marriage? are you basically screwed for life unless you divorce? What you REALLY meant to write is "If intimacy doesn't work out after marriage, will you NEVER be screwed for the rest of your life unless you divorce?". I thought much the same way at your age. From observing a few friends, if the marriage is basically sound then a significant amount of physical intimacy can be developed. It may take some work by both of you. I have recently commented in several threads that I (accurately) knew my wife and I were "sexually compatible" before we ever had sex. (We were wedding night virgins, and still married over 39 years later.) Do a search for those older posts of mine, or ask me to help you find them. 2
Author helloworldguy Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. It just didnt feel the greatest when she said that. Also, she doesnt seem like a very sexual person at all, i hug and kiss her alot and she rarely does it back. I was also reading my Psychology textbook and taking notes on the computer when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of.
crederer Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. It just didnt feel the greatest when she said that. Also, she doesnt seem like a very sexual person at all, i hug and kiss her alot and she rarely does it back. I was also reading my Psychology textbook and taking notes on the computer when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of. The reality is, if she feels that way about sex, she was probably raised to believe that and there's not much you can do to change that. Maybe you're not a match sexually and therefore should look elsewhere....unless you're cool with having a weak sex life with your partner (which I'd personally be fine with if I REALLY loved my girl).
todreaminblue Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. It just didnt feel the greatest when she said that. Also, she doesnt seem like a very sexual person at all, i hug and kiss her alot and she rarely does it back. I was also reading my Psychology textbook and taking notes on the computer when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of. ok sex can be nasty and unemotional making love is different......
TheGuard13 Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. It just didnt feel the greatest when she said that. Also, she doesnt seem like a very sexual person at all, i hug and kiss her alot and she rarely does it back. I was also reading my Psychology textbook and taking notes on the computer when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of. No. It's not shallow. This is the kind of thing relationships end over. And it is perfectly reasonable to do so. You need to do what makes you happy. When you "didn't feel the greatest", that's a bad sign. You two don't sound very compatible on paper...and you haven't even gotten to the sexual stuff yet. There's a good chance that if you stay in this relationship, and you want sex, you will be very unhappy in the future. You need to consider that, and really think about what you want, and what you want to experience in life.
AHaze Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Im not going to break up with her over it or anything like that. 3 most important things in a relationship, Loyalty Honesty Good Sex All 3 go hand-in-hand. Think about it... Then dump her. 1
salparadise Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 ...when some disorder came up saying that some people find the act of sex nasty and repulsive. She looked at my computer and agreed. That scared the crap out of me. Im more on the sexual side and then she says she finds it repulsive? It doesnt look to good for me but it seems like a shallow thing to end a relationship off of. Oh man, you need to rethink this. She might be a nice girl, but sexuality is primary. If she finds sex repulsive it probably ain't going to happen after the wedding either. And even if she gives it up occasionally out of a sense of duty... well, you need to understand the full implications.
crederer Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 The reality is that people feel in general that sex is important. i'd personally agree with that. However, if you're cool with lack of sex op, then that isn't for us to decide.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Lots of red flags here, OP. It's really a form of sexual control, and totally unfair for her to assume it like she did. (And IMO totally unfair to men, as well as a really bad idea for everyone.) Is her view coming from religion? Are you both extremely fundamentalist in religious views? If so, it could be understood, mostly... Another red flag is her attitude. She seems completely uninterested in having an actual 2-sided discussion on this key topic. She laid down the law and assumes you must accept it. That's the kind of crap you will be putting up with the rest of your life if you marry this woman.
Recommended Posts