Should I do the unthinkable?

[Mightyjelly]

I'v been in a LDR with a girl for a year and some change. We have met in many times, both her coming here and me going there. She also initiates a lot of the phone calls, and she talks a bit about a "Future" together when she finishes school in about 6 months. She is 22, and I am 25.

 

lately she has been super busy with work and school. Which I understand completely, and She is in group for projects and the group leader so I expect it to happen. But for the passed month or two she has been acting odd while on the phone, and receiving a lot of text over this period.

 

While on the phone she will say things Oddly, like things that are not retaining to the convo. Almost like she is talking to someone through a voice app like Voxer or something and she forgot to mute the call, and when I mention it she kinda blows it off and tries to drop the whole fact she said it, or makes excuses like "Oh I said hold on I had a call blah blah"

 

As for the texting, I know her group communicates a lot with their work, but when I mention or ask about who or what shes talking about. Its always a generic reply like "BLAHBLAH asking about this project thing or so for the" Also she just went on winter break, meaning no school work for a month and some change, and yet she is getting text at like 12AM and stuff while she is sleeping"we sleep together on skype most of the time" I mention it, but yet its still the same spew about group member's, but when I ask about what it curiously she always kinda just drops it or gives me another BS answer and we move on.

 

The real question of this whole post is. I have access to all her information, or rather should I say the information she wants me to have, Skype, Facebook, emails, and I can even get into phone records due to know this information, but I almost feel like something is going on, and I want to "Investigate" the situation. Part of me wants to find out so if this suspisious is true, I can kick this to the curb and move on, BUT also hard to come up with define proof even if I investigate the text records and bringing it to her attention. Then the other half is kinda scared to find out, and almost wait it out to wait till she ****s up on something bad enough to know the truth.

 

So, I guess... Should I investigate it? Being the phone records will hold more value to anything due to the suspisious text at 12AM

[sun1972]

what your suggesting is not only immoral, but probably illegal too..

 

no, you shouldnt spy on her.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I'v been in a LDR with a girl for a year and some change. We have met in many times, both her coming here and me going there. She also initiates a lot of the phone calls, and she talks a bit about a "Future" together when she finishes school in about 6 months. She is 22, and I am 25.

 

lately she has been super busy with work and school. Which I understand completely, and She is in group for projects and the group leader so I expect it to happen. But for the passed month or two she has been acting odd while on the phone, and receiving a lot of text over this period.

 

While on the phone she will say things Oddly, like things that are not retaining to the convo. Almost like she is talking to someone through a voice app like Voxer or something and she forgot to mute the call, and when I mention it she kinda blows it off and tries to drop the whole fact she said it, or makes excuses like "Oh I said hold on I had a call blah blah"

 

As for the texting, I know her group communicates a lot with their work, but when I mention or ask about who or what shes talking about. Its always a generic reply like "BLAHBLAH asking about this project thing or so for the" Also she just went on winter break, meaning no school work for a month and some change, and yet she is getting text at like 12AM and stuff while she is sleeping"we sleep together on skype most of the time" I mention it, but yet its still the same spew about group member's, but when I ask about what it curiously she always kinda just drops it or gives me another BS answer and we move on.

 

The real question of this whole post is. I have access to all her information, or rather should I say the information she wants me to have, Skype, Facebook, emails, and I can even get into phone records due to know this information, but I almost feel like something is going on, and I want to "Investigate" the situation. Part of me wants to find out so if this suspisious is true, I can kick this to the curb and move on, BUT also hard to come up with define proof even if I investigate the text records and bringing it to her attention. Then the other half is kinda scared to find out, and almost wait it out to wait till she ****s up on something bad enough to know the truth.

 

So, I guess... Should I investigate it? Being the phone records will hold more value to anything due to the suspisious text at 12AM

 

While my personal philosophy is to never say someone will NEVER cheat, just because everyone can doesn't mean everyone will. You can either choose to trust her or move on. Honestly. If I found out my boyfriend was HACKING my electronics I would freak out and terminate the relationship on the spot.

 

I would also question his mental health/emotional and be extremely alarmed, to the point of a restraining order. I don't take any chances when it comes to someone exhibiting signs of extreme possessiveness and intrusiveness. DON'T do it. You want to know way too much. If a bf asked me what exactly I was saying on a text that is way too insecure for me. I like my personal space and don't like it invaded to that capacity. If she hasn't given any other reason to NOT trust her your accusations are baseless and you need to get help.

Edited November 25, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[sun1972]

While my personal philosophy is to never say someone will NEVER cheat, just because everyone can doesn't mean everyone will. You can either choose to trust her or move on. Honestly. If I found out my boyfriend was HACKING my electronics I would freak out and terminate the relationship on the spot.

 

I would also question his mental health/emotional and be extremely alarmed, to the point of a restraining order. I don't take any chances when it comes to someone exhibiting signs of extreme possessiveness and intrusiveness. DON'T do it. You want to know way too much. If a bf asked me what exactly I was saying on a text that is way too insecure for me. I like my personal space and don't like it invaded to that capacity. If she hasn't given any other reason to NOT trust her your accusations are baseless and you need to get help.

 

i agree, on the other hand with my ex (soon to be partner again, yay)

i never felt the temptation cos she would always leave her fb/email logged in and soo obviously had nothing to hide

 

if her fone went off, and she was doing something she would sometimes ask me to tell her who it was too..

 

if she had been secretive, it may have been harder?

[bill101]

Hi,

 

Why don't you confront her instead ?

 

Go on Skype, tell her you noticed she has been acting weird lately and ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you; if she is ok. Look at the way she reacts. Then, it's up to you to push the question or not based on her behavior... the human body is a bad liar.

 

Good Luck !

Edited November 25, 2013 by bill101

[nomadic_butterfly]

i agree, on the other hand with my ex (soon to be partner again, yay)

i never felt the temptation cos she would always leave her fb/email logged in and soo obviously had nothing to hide

 

if her fone went off, and she was doing something she would sometimes ask me to tell her who it was too..

 

if she had been secretive, it may have been harder?

 

It should be no big deal being open. I am single but getting to know someone long distance right now but should we make it official all males including strictly platonic, never romantically linked friends would know this. They would then respect that and not text/call me past maybe 11pm b/c that is otherwise disrespectful. I would find it weird just demanding "who is that?" unless it was a name of a female I've never heard of or something. But if he told me it was someone from his group it would depend on his facial expressions and body language while texting. Is it a girl from his group texting at midnight and he's cheesing really hard to where it might be flirtatious or not school related? There are so many variables.

 

I guess it is just what people feel comfortable doing. But he asked and she answered. He either believes it or not. It is that simple. But Billy was right in saying he needs to have a heart to heart rather than illegally tapping all her stuff like a nut job. Any person I have to go that far with is a person not worth keeping. I think a private investigator is I were married would be as intrusive as I would get. And it's legally and not necessarily a sign of mental/emotional issues.

[sun1972]

oh i know hacking is the wrong thing to do, and agree asking openly is the way to go

 

 

i have had 2 female friends in the last 5 years ask me how to get into their boyfriends facebook before though - so think its less rare than people realise

 

(im an IT geek and no i didnt help them)

[Mightyjelly]

I mean, she gave me the information and kept most of this logged into my computer while she was here. Even mentioned she doesnt have anything to hide "We play games together online so we share accounts sometimes"

I guess paranoia is a curse :/

[nomadic_butterfly]

I mean, she gave me the information and kept most of this logged into my computer while she was here. Even mentioned she doesnt have anything to hide "We play games together online so we share accounts sometimes"

I guess paranoia is a curse :/

 

Then just CHILL OUT. Cheaters will never deliberately share anything that culminates to incriminating evidence. Sounds like she is bustin her balls trying to do well in school and you're assuming the worst. Take it easy and you both will be fine.

[bill101]

Insecurity , jealousy , paranoia ... I've been in this vicious circle before; I know how you feel... It'll lead you to a breakup if you don't control yourself, trust me!

 

Work on your self confidence; read books about the topic. What harm can it do to you ?

 

The bottom line is this: Do whatever you can to get out of this unhealthy emotional pattern ASAP.

 

Good luck !

[justwhoiam]

Should I investigate it?

If you ask me: yes. I'd want to understand why she keeps changing subject whenever she gets asked about something... or she starts getting uncomfortable.

[Mightyjelly]

Insecurity , jealousy , paranoia ... I've been in this vicious circle before; I know how you feel... It'll lead you to a breakup if you don't control yourself, trust me!

 

Work on your self confidence; read books about the topic. What harm can it do to you ?

 

The bottom line is this: Do whatever you can to get out of this unhealthy emotional pattern ASAP.

 

Good luck !

 

 

 

Some updates, I decided to not look into her ****. After talk with my friends and family I decided to just see what happens.. I mean **** happens..

 

However... I think she just blew her cover and I want to share because I want to know if this is a "paranoia" thing or facts.. The facts I have been looking for..

 

So tonight, we were on skype enjoy our time, and since she doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving "Her family, and shes Chinese" she was with me most of the time. However she would get up here and there and leave the room, which I really dnt care, but she comes back and says "My dad wants me to go next door for dinner", "But I dnt really want to" So I said well ur not doing anything for thankgiving you should go", She then put it down like "I dnt rly wanna go"

 

So some time passes, and she gets a phone call. "She was speaking chinese" but she seemed to keep covering up her mouth kinda and looking back up at me to see if I was looking" Didnt rly think about it at the time but, She hangs up and says "My dad wants me to go over and eat" I was like COOL! because I wanted her to have a good time. So she was getting read.

 

Well I left clothes there from visiting, and while she was getting ready she was putting on socks and saying " OOO Im wearing ur socks to go over there" and I look and she was, So it was cute. She then leaves.

 

She then sends me a text after some time with her foot pointing at a dog, She was not wearing any socks in this photo, so I kinda ignored it, and asked for a picture of the food, However she said she was eating already. "Which we both send eachother pics of food all the time" then she continued talking about how everyone there was talking in a language she didnt understand and stuff.

 

So I got a little suspicious, but I didnt go strait out and say anything. I proceeded to ask "How are my socks" she replys "Rough" I say aww, but they keeping your feet warm right" she says no that they are kinda airy. At this point I wasnt going to say anything about it till she got home.

 

However She sends me a picture of the "people" that shes over there with, but I could swear its a pic I seen before. Almost exact, Then sends me a picture of a little boy.. That I can swear I seen before. Still keeping calm I just went a long with it. Like the same photos

 

Then she said her mother gave a gift that I gave her to the little boy, and how she was upset and stuff. That its on the shelf, and she was really pissed. I asked "How do you know she did" She claims she called her mother and asked. " From what she said, her mother didnt go"

 

So, at this point.. Im curious because now shes done text me like 15 times, but wouldnt send me pictures of the food, her socks are off, but claims there on.. So I asked..

 

Can I have a picture of the it so I can save it "Assuming she was goiung to leave it"

 

This is what was said..

 

 

Me- Send me a pick "Of said object"

 

Her- she sends me a pick of the baby boy"

 

Me- babe send me the pick of the "said gift"

 

Her- Happy? - with no picture

 

Her- the pic came, but it was horible HORIBLE quality not even the picture of it but a whole bookshelf.So its hard to see but its easy enough to know what it is.

 

So I know what I got her.. I KNOW what it looks like, and its not even close, even with the bad quality it was NOT IT.

 

So I said "Take a better quality"

 

Her - Y..... Imma take it home

 

Me- When you coming home?

 

Her- Soon

 

So at this point I researched to make sure I was righ tabout the item and I know at this point shes lying to me.. SO I call her. tons of background noise of people when I did, and shes like oh hey whats up etc etc. and then shes like. Oh im going to go blackfriday shopping with my dad I think, I dnt know tho we are still planning and seeing what everyones doing, However she said earlier she was glad sales are online that she didnt wanna go shopping in stores" So I said sure, Np. and we hung up..

 

After that, I was hell bent on getting this photo of the item, with good quality and stuff, and I sent a text

 

Me- Babe I want a real picture of said gift

 

Her- I will babe I will

 

her- With the other said item "That does not pertain to the convo" that she got at the same time, which made no since since we were only talking about 1 thing"

 

her- Okies babe I love u

 

Me- No

 

Me- I want a pic of it

 

Her- Ok I will take a pic of it when I get home

 

Me- No

 

Me- there

 

Her- Y.....

 

Me- Just do it ok babe

 

Not even 5 mins after that

 

Her- Im home

 

And I saw her beline to the area that the item normally is in

 

So She calls me, I refuse to pick it up

 

Then text

 

Her- Ok,, I called you many times. You no answer. Im going to sleep. Night

 

Me- I just wanted one picture

 

Her- Why babe

 

Her- You're freaking me out

 

Her- Why do you want it so bad?

 

Her- Anyways goodnight.

 

After that She stayed on skype and she continued to be up for another hour..

 

SOOOO

 

After all that crap wall of text, We have her lying about the socks, Lying about the doll "Its not the sameone", and if it was THE REAL ONE" Why not just take a picture for me. And we have the issue of... Well she was suppose to wait to figure out if they were shopping.. and 5 mins later shes home already.. Because I kept asking about the item....?!?!

 

Guilty people move on, Honest people will give you the information..

 

so now I am at the point where.. Do I listen to what she says "Which I feel will just be lies" or break up with her right on the spot. If she is lying to me about this silly ****.. God only knows what shes lying about for real. and it brings in the attention of the passed BS that I have issues with.

[sun1972]

ok ill answer honestly but im not sure you will like it

 

I think your being obsessive and if my LDR OH had acted like this wanting txted proof of where i was all the time, id have been driven insane

 

If id gone out with mates to play pool for instance and she had demanded pictures of the pool table or something stupid...id have refused out of principle!

 

If she goes out, i dont ask for txts, and i dont stress if i dont hear from her that night.

 

If your going to be with someone LDR or not (especially LDR) you have to trust them until PROVEN otherwise, otherwise it is pointless.

 

You clearly dont trust her, and i think no matter what she does to 'prove herself' to you, you will never trust her

 

I dont know if 'something is going on' to be honest, but im not sure its relevant, the demands for pictorial proof of where she is are the big issue.

 

Sorry but - it seems absurd to me wanting pictures of everything etc.

Edited November 29, 2013 by sun1972

[todreaminblue]

I wouldnt break up with a guy if he "investigated" me i dotn have anythign to hide....i woudl rip a abit though...tear soem shreds.....because normally when jealousy rears in my relationships the guy is a pulling a fast one on me not the other way round..because i give them access to all my details.......once i am with them...i dont have to hide anything.......nor woudl i.......deb

[emi]

ok let me tell u something .My ex was a controling freak. He asked for my pw, which i said no. Its not because i was cheating or something, its because i dont want him to have the feeling that he can get anything he want from me.

Everytime i late reply him and did something else, he freaked. Everytime i did something isnt about him, we argued, sometime i just too tired to report or let him know whats on my mind. Its also cause us to argue. Sum up : GIVE HER SPACE. . If her feeling changes or shes cheating or shes just too tired to handle a relationship right now, it will give her time and space to think. Thats the best you can do

[Solcita2]

I have mixed feelings about checking her email, fb, etc... because for me that's a big no...

You having the need to do so is a big red flag on your relationship though.

 

Last year my F and I went through a big crisis. I checked his phone. A few SMS and a conversation on FB and trust me, I didn't like what I found (lots of lies, which were a shock to me, because I wasn't expecting all those lies).

 

When I comfronted him, he made it all on me, saying I was insecure and what not... how bad person I was for checking his stuff... however, he never addressed his lies. (This at first).

 

What can I say from my point of view?

Don't do it.

 

However, you do need to talk to her. Tell her she's not herself lately and you don't feel well enough with her... you can even tell her "I even thought of checking your fb and email... and I didn't because that's not who I am... the moment I found out I was becoming someone else, I realized this was over".

 

Or something like that...

 

What it really worked with my F however was not the previous chat to the checking the phone or the big comfrontation... what it worked was me starting to move on on my own... give her space and she'll come by herself... you have a decision to make...

 

S.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Some updates, I decided to not look into her ****. After talk with my friends and family I decided to just see what happens.. I mean **** happens..

 

However... I think she just blew her cover and I want to share because I want to know if this is a "paranoia" thing or facts.. The facts I have been looking for..

 

 

After all that crap wall of text, We have her lying about the socks, Lying about the doll "Its not the sameone", and if it was THE REAL ONE" Why not just take a picture for me. And we have the issue of... Well she was suppose to wait to figure out if they were shopping.. and 5 mins later shes home already.. Because I kept asking about the item....?!?!

 

Guilty people move on, Honest people will give you the information..

 

so now I am at the point where.. Do I listen to what she says "Which I feel will just be lies" or break up with her right on the spot. If she is lying to me about this silly ****.. God only knows what shes lying about for real. and it brings in the attention of the passed BS that I have issues with.

 

OMG the relationship is doomed. You two sound like little 13yr olds. Seriously. The fact that you never trusted her makes you magnify every situation and scrutinize every little thing because your bound and determined to "catch her" and it's ridiculous. I have no idea if some of this is a figment of your imagination or if she indeed is a genuine pathological liar but you guys need to part ways. If I were her, you'd drive me to blowing up at you, and I don't blow up easily. If I were you, paranoid all the dang time it would be pointless.

 

LDR require even more trust and faith in the partner. You don't have one iota of either. And if she is indeed a liar you need to work on your judgment of character so you don't go into your next relationship with a chip on your shoulder because you lack the ability to discern the "good" from the bad." Moreover, you lack the ability to objectively assess the compatibility of you and a partner therefore you persist and pursue even when it is very evident there is no healthy, long term relationship potential.

Edited November 29, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[justwhoiam]

I think she just blew her cover and I want to share because I want to know if this is a "paranoia" thing or facts..

Unfortunately, the facts you described were rather confusing, I had a hard time reading and understanding what it was all about.

 

Among other things, I didn't understand:

1) whom she lives with (her mother while her father lives elsewhere?)

2) who's the child who was given the gift you gave your gf or her mother (I didn't get that)

3) the child was not in her home, she was having lunch somewhere else, so how could she take a picture of this gift while being in the street about to go shopping or even at home, if the gift was not there anymore? Or she took the gift from the poor child and took it back home?!

4) the sock thing means nothing, if she just took it off and her foot was bare

 

That said, you can't ask of pics of everything she eats. Or everything she sees, or anyone she's with...... It would drive me insane, I wouldn't be able to keep up with all that. You need to have a more relaxed relationship, because I don't think anyone can keep up with that long-term, or anyway if you need to be separated for 2 or 3 years. It's also time consuming and leaves little room for self-growth, for learning, reading, etc. And it can compromise one's social life. It sounds compulsive almost.

 

How can I really pay attention to someone who's talking to me if I'm constantly texting back and forth, or busy taking pics of anything... We need some quality time with other people too.

 

Finally, about the déjà-vu pics. Check the metadata of the pictures, you will know when they have been taken and if they are old, you can ask her directly why she sent you old pics, that you do not appreciate being treated like a fool and you'd rather be without any pics than getting fooled around like that.

[LindaMcGrath]

Hi,

 

Why don't you confront her instead ?

 

Go on Skype, tell her you noticed she has been acting weird lately and ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you; if she is ok. Look at the way she reacts. Then, it's up to you to push the question or not based on her behavior... the human body is a bad liar.

 

Good Luck !

 

I completely agree! Confront her first, ask her what's going on. She can't change or explain her behaviour if she doesn't know it bothers you.