LovetoLove28 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) I'm in a 10 month relationship that turned into a long distance relationship basically about 3-4 months into the relationship. I should mention he's from a another state (12hrs away) and hasnt seen his family in 6months as well. But we live in the same state now obviously. I am 28 he's 26 so you'd think we could handle this maturely- obviously not! Everything went very well until about a month where I felt there was a lack of communication between us, I brought it up and we had a blow up. As he often has a problem with me relaying any issues- so we worked on a way for me to bring up issues w/o him feeling offended. When were together, he is the sweetest thing, very loving affectionate. Opens doors,holding hands all these things even after 10 months. We basically never fought until the past 1-2 months. He's had some issues with me complaining about my job, granted I do complain as it's been a rough year so far ( I teach & my class is awful). So fast forward to this past week, I had an awful day, after being sick I had returned and my kids were horrid. I texted him in hopes of some support, basically I was ready to walk away from by job it was that bad. He basically told me I needed to suck it up and deal with the stress in some not so nice terms & proceeded to tell me I don't handle stress well. Well, I was pissed bc this was obviously not the support I wanted. I have a temper which I know needs to be controlled. So I said I'm done, if you can't support me. He replied "dido, we are done". So I figured it was a blow up & it blow over. Later that night I get a message from his mother saying she was sorry to hear from her son & hopes I'm doing okay and that she's thinking about me. So I'm like oh wow! He's serious he told his mother... Now I'm going to get petty here. I hate facebook, I originally had one for just family and friends until I met him & he wanted his friends/family to be able to talk/"meet me"(where the 12hrs away comes into play) So when we began dating we put our relationship there. Well, it's been 5 days since this relationship "ended" or whatever & he's not speaking to me but hasn't changed his status or taken down the profile picture of us. On top of it all, before he was permanently working outside of the area I live in he moved in with me- so his stuff is here-- eventually he's going to have to get in touch. But what could he possibly be thinking now?? I know we have some issues to work through but he means the world to me and I think if we could work through the issues this could be so much stronger. What are my next steps? If I have any.. I'd really love the advice as obviously I'm still very clueless at my age!! Edited November 25, 2013 by LovetoLove28
Author LovetoLove28 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 I personally have no issue with his mother. I thought it was very thoughtful of her to show her compassion, her son obviously wasn't! I wasn't sure if she was trying to do some talking for him or not.. Not sure what you mean by using her to get to me? Like what I stated above? To see what I'd say..he could do that himself.. kinda childish if he's asking mommy to see how I feel. If that's what you're getting at.
Author LovetoLove28 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 I can see your point.. things were not like that though. He moved his stuff in because originally he was to be working in this area & it was a trial run of living together.. this happened around 4 months into relationship so it was early on, trying to ease into it. I really do not have that much of a relationship with his mother-- I've spoken to her maybe 3-4 times in the past 10 months so it's not a crazy inlaw thing so if I'm making it appear that way not the case.
ThatMan Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) He's had some issues with me complaining about my job, granted I do complain as it's been a rough year so far ( I teach & my class is awful). What are his issues exactly? The topic itself? Do you take your frustrations from work out on him? The stress? Maybe he'd rather leave work at work and talk about something else at home? Because you never elaborated I have to wonder whether or not either of you even understand the issue itself. If this was me I would start right there and decide what to do next. But only if the relationship continues, if not, I'd let it be. Dissecting a failed relationship isn't beneficial. So fast forward to this past week, I had an awful day, after being sick I had returned and my kids were horrid. I texted him in hopes of some support, basically I was ready to walk away from by job it was that bad. He basically told me I needed to suck it up and deal with the stress in some not so nice terms & proceeded to tell me I don't handle stress well. Well, I was pissed bc this was obviously not the support I wanted. Obviously? How is it obvious? Did he know that you wanted support? Did he know whether or not you merely wanted to vent or receive acknowledgement? How did he obviously know exactly what your looking for? Sometimes the people we talk with need help understanding what we're searching for in a conversation. When I hear people complain of a miserable day I might not necessarily know whether they want constructive advice and input or a chance to vent. Normally, it's easy, but the moment anybody has the wrong idea is the moment to clearly express our wants and needs. Did you express yourself clearly? Maybe you can think on the suggestion for the next time this happens? I have a temper which I know needs to be controlled. So I said I'm done, if you can't support me. He replied "dido, we are done". So I figured it was a blow up & it blow over. Later that night I get a message from his mother saying she was sorry to hear from her son & hopes I'm doing okay and that she's thinking about me. So I'm like oh wow! He's serious he told his mother... I don't know what to think about his mother... As a stranger, it seems obvious to me that anger, alongside taking anger out on other people is the problem. If you know it needs to be controlled you should have the sense to know what anger can do to people and relationships... Edited November 25, 2013 by ThatMan
Author LovetoLove28 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 What are his issues exactly? The topic itself? Do you take your frustrations from work out on him? The stress? Maybe he'd rather leave work at work and talk about something else at home? I don't believe that I do. I just vent and he doesn't like to hear all the negativity that I have to say. He tells me I need to be more positive but all the stess there drags me down. I 100% agree here. I think this is a HUGE problem. I think I do not communicate effectively what it is I want. I forget sometimes that I'm speaking to a man and he needs to know what it is I want. Agree again, both have anger & subborness issues. But I don't think the silence is helping to resolve anything.. so I don't know whether to speak up or let him be at the moment. Thanks so much for responding, great advice!!
ThatMan Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Everything is difficult when understanding the problem itself is challenging. Yet... Healthy relationships begin with us as individuals. Anger is not giving you what you want in life. Anger has probably robbed you of more than a relationship. It may be a difficult road but the rewards of anger management should not be dismissed. To deal with this anger today will put you in a good position for the next relationship tomorrow.
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