He told me he isn't in love with me

[LostConfused123]

I would definitely couchsurf with friends until your back on your feet. You need to rally all the support you can while you heal yourself. Make a plan, share it with your family and friends and then act on it. It's ok to need people right now. Those that love you will be there for you.

 

You can do this!!! We're with you.

Yeah, What Cloud said. . . Ha ha!

 

The cool thing about the human race is people do like to help others in their time of need so definitely let them. Try not to feel too overwhelmed.

 

Hope your day got better (the fender bender) and you are feeling stronger.

 

((hugs))

[KelC411]

Sorry to hear about how tough this is for you! You sound kind and mature but I know it must be so hard to have to return his gift and move out. My ex also offered for me to stay but I knew it would hurt too bad. As if everything doesn't already remind us of our life together! You did all you could. If he didnt love you then that is not your fault and eventually you will find someone who will love you for everything you are.

[whichwayisup]

He said "I'm a guy, I'm not going to say no to sex." My heart shattered at this time because I had no idea that's how he felt about our sex.

At least he's honest. painful to hear but it's honest. He detached from you a while ago, did his grieving quietly without you knowing which is why he can easily now have sex with you and it's just sex. Many men can separate love and sex - He seems to be one of them.

 

Look, for whatever reason, he doesn't feel in love anymore. People change, situations and feelings change, but you didn't do anything wrong.

 

He told you he was an ass.hole. Believe him! When a person says something like this, it's a tell.

 

Sorry that he hurt you. It's time to let him go, even if it kills you inside. You are worth tons and tons and it's HIS LOSS.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Last night he knocked on my door, I said nothing. Then he loudly said my name and said please open the door. So I said "what?" and he said, "what are you doing, can you open the door?"

 

so I opened the door and peaked out and asked "whats up?"

 

and he said "what's going on? are you okay?" He tried to grab my arm, but I tugged it from him as in 'don't touch me'

 

and I said "I'm fine" and he said "he was worried about me"

 

I said "don't be."

 

And then he told me how him and his buddy are going out for a beer and will be back in a little.

 

I said okay and passed out from some sleeping pills. I never heard him come home and from there on my bedroom door remained lock. I don't know when he got home or if he knocked again...

 

It's now morning and I hate that feeling when you first wake up and you realize "back to reality"....

 

My dad is buying a bigger place next week hopefully, he put an offer on it so if he gets the place I won't have to couch surf. It's just that, I don't want to have to live with my dad again. That's rough. But I have to do it. So at most, (if my dad gets the house) then I have a week or two of living here to go.

 

BUT HELL, it's hard!!! Please help me. I do okay until he gets home and I have to know he is here. And then it sets me back to square one. I can not heal here.

 

Tonight I won't be coming home till late. I was going to sleep over at a friends, but I really haven't been getting much sleep lately and I have these huge bags under my eyes. I need my bed so I can rest. I'm exhausted right now typing this.

 

I just need to be firm when I come home tonight and say "I'm going to bed, please respect my privacy"

[confused192]

Socks, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The advice from Pfenixphire and everyone else has been solid, and I think you are doing the right thing by moving out as soon as possible. Do not let him influence your life for one more second than is necessary.

 

You asked why everyone always says "he'll regret it eventually" and how we can possibly know that he'll regret it. To be honest, whether he does or doesn't, one day you won't even care. I know it is hard to imagine now, as I've been in your shoes, but it's true. I wondered the same thing about a man I was madly in love with, and I'm pretty sure I sent some ill-advised texts when it ended saying that I knew he'd regret letting me get away one day. Well, two years later, I get a Facebook message from him that simply said "I've been thinking about you lately. I'm sorry for the way I treated you and I wish I could have made smarter decisions back when. Let me know if you're ever back in Nashville!" What did I have to say? "Oh hey, thanks for the message. Hope you're well!" Ha BYEEEE sucker, I couldn't care less! Best. Feeling. Ever.

 

Anyway, the point is: Breakups are hell but you're going to make it and be better than ever on the other side. Just hang in there!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

AWW!!! That is so awesome! Thanks Confused! I can't wait to be in the position to not care anymore..

 

To be honest, as soon as I left his house today, I felt an automatic relief, like the clouds had cleared around me. It's so toxic being in there because his house smells like him, all of his stuff is around me and then I have to hear him moving around in his house. It is awful!!! Imagine that?!

 

He is home all day today and tomorrow. I have filled my schedule with other people so I won't be getting home till 9pm each night (when I need to go to bed). I have decided that if he bothers me, I'm going to sit down and talk to him about my boundaries. I will tell him we need to act like roommates (not friends or lovers!), don't question where I am or what I am doing, I will clean up after myself and respect his space as he will respect mine, I don't need to know where he is or what he is doing and if he has anything pertaining to renting his room from me we can discuss it cordially, other than that all other conversations will not be had.

 

You know what got me thinking? This man broke my heart and is charging me $400 a month to stay here...I have to give HIM money for breaking my heart!! HAHA. Man, that just ticked me off and put me in this current mood.

 

I will no longer clean up after him, do his laundry, buy him things, give him foot rubs, have sex, cuddle him or put away his dishes.

 

I am seriously done and I really want to move on from this guy. I don't see myself taking him back ever again. I love him and I'm heartbroken of course, but I have realized that I deserve better and he is incapable of giving me what I need. All along I thought I wasn't the one for him, but now I realized he wasn't the one for ME!

 

 

EDIT: On another note, I had looked around his house and saw all the great things I had given him: quality rugs and bath towels, colognes and candles, kitchen stuff etc. And you know what I have from him? A frickin' little rock he picked up for me last time he went backpacking...THAT's IT!!

 

WOAH, why are all these mean thoughts hitting me all of a sudden?!?!

 

Socks, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The advice from Pfenixphire and everyone else has been solid, and I think you are doing the right thing by moving out as soon as possible. Do not let him influence your life for one more second than is necessary.

 

You asked why everyone always says "he'll regret it eventually" and how we can possibly know that he'll regret it. To be honest, whether he does or doesn't, one day you won't even care. I know it is hard to imagine now, as I've been in your shoes, but it's true. I wondered the same thing about a man I was madly in love with, and I'm pretty sure I sent some ill-advised texts when it ended saying that I knew he'd regret letting me get away one day. Well, two years later, I get a Facebook message from him that simply said "I've been thinking about you lately. I'm sorry for the way I treated you and I wish I could have made smarter decisions back when. Let me know if you're ever back in Nashville!" What did I have to say? "Oh hey, thanks for the message. Hope you're well!" Ha BYEEEE sucker, I couldn't care less! Best. Feeling. Ever.

 

Anyway, the point is: Breakups are hell but you're going to make it and be better than ever on the other side. Just hang in there!

Edited December 3, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Never Again]

WOAH, why are all these mean thoughts hitting me all of a sudden?!?!

 

You're trying to heal.

 

Anger's a big part of that, but it can be a little jarring at first.

[clia]

He is home all day today and tomorrow. I have filled my schedule with other people so I won't be getting home till 9pm each night (when I need to go to bed). I have decided that if he bothers me, I'm going to sit down and talk to him about my boundaries. I will tell him we need to act like roommates (not friends or lovers!), don't question where I am or what I am doing, I will clean up after myself and respect his space as he will respect mine, I don't need to know where he is or what he is doing and if he has anything pertaining to renting his room from me we can discuss it cordially, other than that all other conversations will not be had.

 

You know what got me thinking? This man broke my heart and is charging me $400 a month to stay here...I have to give HIM money for breaking my heart!! HAHA. Man, that just ticked me off and put me in this current mood.

 

I will no longer clean up after him, do his laundry, buy him things, give him foot rubs, have sex, cuddle him or put away his dishes.

 

I am seriously done and I really want to move on from this guy. I don't see myself taking him back ever again. I love him and I'm heartbroken of course, but I have realized that I deserve better and he is incapable of giving me what I need. All along I thought I wasn't the one for him, but now I realized he wasn't the one for ME!

 

I am so happy to hear you saying all this, because as I was reading through the thread I was trying to figure out if you realized what a gigantic douche move this guy pulled on you. While fundamentally I think moving out is the best thing for you so that you can move on, it infuriates me that you are now stuck couch surfing for the next three months because he waited until the point of no return to tell you he didn't love you. He couldn't have told you a month ago? He couldn't have talked to you about his feelings before you gave up your lease? Surely this didn't hit him out of the blue. It seems manipulative on his part, as his behavior almost seems to indicate that he wants you to live with him for the sex and companionship, but he still wants to keep his options open. (While of course stringing you along some more...)

 

And he is still going to charge you rent? Seriously, I'm fuming. What a douche. The vindictive side of me thinks that you shouldn't make it so easy on him. You've already been hugely inconvenienced, and now you have to put all your stuff in storage and sleep on people's couches for the next three months because of him? While his life doesn't change at all...? Uh..no. I don't know that I would be in a huge rush to move out (if mentally you can deal -- obviously from an outside perspective it's easier said than done). I'd treat him exactly like a roommate who I didn't like very much. The only communication would pertain to household type issues. I wouldn't respond to any texts, e-mails, etc. He can pick out his own table. I wouldn't clean up after him, cook for him, do his laundry, or even be in the same room with him. I would go on with my own life and stick mainly to my bedroom and bathroom. I would date other men. (Not for anything serious -- you will need time to heal -- but to have fun.) I would do everything possible to make him feel uncomfortable.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I <3 you. haha Thanks. That is the attitude I developed this morning after thinking long and hard about it!!!

 

I am sticking to my room and minding my own business. Our schedules are different enough where I don't have to see him when he gets home and he doesn't see me when I leave. It works for now. but on his days off (today and tomorrow) I'm staying out late and getting home and heading straight to my room.

 

I will be cold and distant and I already have and he took it as me being suicidal because I had pills on the counter that spilled over from my purse and he thought I was in my room dying. That's what he told me last night.

 

I just want my space and he keeps knocking on my door. He feels guilty, I know it. But that's his problem, not mine. I'm dealing with my broken heart, go deal with your guiltiness dammit. Leave me alone.

 

haha.

 

I am so happy to hear you saying all this, because as I was reading through the thread I was trying to figure out if you realized what a gigantic douche move this guy pulled on you. While fundamentally I think moving out is the best thing for you so that you can move on, it infuriates me that you are now stuck couch surfing for the next three months because he waited until the point of no return to tell you he didn't love you. He couldn't have told you a month ago? He couldn't have talked to you about his feelings before you gave up your lease? Surely this didn't hit him out of the blue. It seems manipulative on his part, as his behavior almost seems to indicate that he wants you to live with him for the sex and companionship, but he still wants to keep his options open. (While of course stringing you along some more...)

 

And he is still going to charge you rent? Seriously, I'm fuming. What a douche. The vindictive side of me thinks that you shouldn't make it so easy on him. You've already been hugely inconvenienced, and now you have to put all your stuff in storage and sleep on people's couches for the next three months because of him? While his life doesn't change at all...? Uh..no. I don't know that I would be in a huge rush to move out (if mentally you can deal -- obviously from an outside perspective it's easier said than done). I'd treat him exactly like a roommate who I didn't like very much. The only communication would pertain to household type issues. I wouldn't respond to any texts, e-mails, etc. He can pick out his own table. I wouldn't clean up after him, cook for him, do his laundry, or even be in the same room with him. I would go on with my own life and stick mainly to my bedroom and bathroom. I would date other men. (Not for anything serious -- you will need time to heal -- but to have fun.) I would do everything possible to make him feel uncomfortable.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

He texted me and asked when I was coming home and I said "I'll be home later, out with a friend" and he said "OK."

 

Why does it matter?! I hate this guys.

 

Did I say the right thing?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

URGENT READ!!

 

I came home and went straight inside while he was working outside on the yard. I went straight to the bathroom and jumped in to take a shower. When I was done, I went to my bedroom to change. He knocks and just comes right in while I'm naked.

 

then we have wild sex.... JUST KIDDING haha

 

anyways, I was like WOAH, excuse me.

 

and he said "where were you?" and I said "I told you I was with a friend" and he rolled his eyes and said, "Brent? What friend? A guy?" and I said, "is that what your insecurities tell you?" and he said, "so it was Brent!" And I said "ok" and he said "who was it? you came right home, didn't say hi and jumped in the shower like you had cum all over you and needed to get clean"

 

And I was like "Wow, I'm just gonna keep letting your mind wonder because this is funny"

 

And he left and went back outside!!!!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you really need to sleep on someone's couch immediately until your dad is right. No more stories of your interactions with your ex (there have been way too many already). The next story I want you to tell is hanging out at your friend's after moving out.

 

I mean, you've spent 12 pages trying to make sense of something that's very simple. Your ex doesn't love you, but he loves having sex with you when it's convenient for him. Why? Because he sees you as an easy mark. And you have been. Sex does not equal love for most men. Sex equals physical pleasure. I'm glad you are starting to get the Pollyanna crap out of your head, but seriously, get out of that house now. Not tomorrow, not next week, now. Stop being a fool. I was ready to wring your neck on Page 9, or at least facepalm you, because it's not complicated. It's very simple.

[stillafool]

Not only does he want sex but $400 a month from you as well. Boy, I'd be surprised if he ever let you leave. I'm with Simon Phoenix on this one, that the next time you post I hope it isn't about another interaction you had with this creep but where you are moving. Maybe one of your friends would like $400 a month and a roommate. At least they won't try to use you for sex and expect rent.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

How many times have you busted up and gotten back together with this guy over the 3 years?

 

Once, a year ago :-( I never should have taken him back.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Dude, you really need to sleep on someone's couch immediately until your dad is right. No more stories of your interactions with your ex (there have been way too many already). The next story I want you to tell is hanging out at your friend's after moving out.

 

I mean, you've spent 12 pages trying to make sense of something that's very simple. Your ex doesn't love you, but he loves having sex with you when it's convenient for him. Why? Because he sees you as an easy mark. And you have been. Sex does not equal love for most men. Sex equals physical pleasure. I'm glad you are starting to get the Pollyanna crap out of your head, but seriously, get out of that house now. Not tomorrow, not next week, now. Stop being a fool. I was ready to wring your neck on Page 9, or at least facepalm you, because it's not complicated. It's very simple.

 

Sorry guys, I'm so hurt and I thought it was okay to come here and talk about my feelings and keep up to date with what is going on.

 

He just told me he is going out for drinks with his ex gf. She is engaged I guess, but it still bothers me.

 

:-( why would he do that to me

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry guys, I'm so hurt and I thought it was okay to come here and talk about my feelings and keep up to date with what is going on.

 

He just told me he is going out for drinks with his ex gf. She is engaged I guess, but it still bothers me.

 

:-( why would he do that to me

 

My point is that you have to stop having interactions with him and you need to move out. Keep updating, but update us with progress on you moving forward, not your self-defeating cycle of herpderp with your ex because you are living in denial. I want to see progress, not play-by-plays of you talking to someone you shouldn't be talking to or living with someone you shouldn't want to be living with. It's time to be an adult and make an adult decision to get out of this.

 

As for the ex-girlfriend thing, who cares. You aren't his girlfriend and he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. He's making himself look like he has value so when he gets horny, you'll fold and give him what he wants -- sex.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not only does he want sex but $400 a month from you as well. Boy, I'd be surprised if he ever let you leave. I'm with Simon Phoenix on this one, that the next time you post I hope it isn't about another interaction you had with this creep but where you are moving. Maybe one of your friends would like $400 a month and a roommate. At least they won't try to use you for sex and expect rent.

 

I mean, he gets a woman to pay to have sex with him. A woman he doesn't have to do anything for to get said sex. It's pretty much striking gold.

[stillafool]

 

:-( why would he do that to me

 

 

Because you two are broken up! You act as if you are staying there in hopes that you two will reconcile. It's time to move on.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You are all right. I'm letting myself down. But I still have a right to hurt right? A week after the breakup and he is going out with his ex gf for drinks. Please tell me that would hurt you guys too?

 

I think I'll go see family tonight.

[stillafool]

You are all right. I'm letting myself down. But I still have a right to hurt right? A week after the breakup and he is going out with his ex gf for drinks. Please tell me that would hurt you guys too?

 

I think I'll go see family tonight.

 

People who break up with each other do continue on with their lives. He was the dumper so it is easier for him because he knows he doesn't want you back. It is harder for you because you still want to be in a relationship with him and are waiting around in hopes that he will change his mind. In the meantime he has sex at home, $400 extra a month to spend dating other people and someone to cuddle with in the middle of the night if he gets lonely. Stop being his doormat. You will hurt over this even after you move but you will heal alot faster and healthier.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are all right. I'm letting myself down. But I still have a right to hurt right? A week after the breakup and he is going out with his ex gf for drinks. Please tell me that would hurt you guys too?

 

I think I'll go see family tonight.

 

It's one thing to be hurt. It's another to just sit there and be a doormat and take it. It's time for you to leave -- actually, that time passed about a week ago.

[Pa76]

You are all right. I'm letting myself down. But I still have a right to hurt right? A week after the breakup and he is going out with his ex gf for drinks. Please tell me that would hurt you guys too?

 

I think I'll go see family tonight.

 

 

He hurt you so you enjoy him acting jealous and texting you etc. When he says he is having drinks with his ex you get upset which he enjoys cause he see's you acting in a jealous way. You both get upset when think about other with someone else of opposite sex. It's a bunch of games. Both of you want the other to feel jealous. Move out!!! Living together is causing nothing but problems. You need to live apart so both of you can focus on yourselves not each other. You are wasting time when you could be out there focusing on your life and eventually meeting a mature stable man.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks for the reality check. I mean it.

 

I'm already packing my stuff since I still have boxes. Guess I better start getting used to sleeping on couches huh?

 

You guys are the best. I will get through this. Just keep pushing me when I fall back, okay?!

 

 

Tough love is needed sometimes!!! <3

[confused192]

It would definitely hurt me if a man I still loved told me he was going out with his ex-gf. I am sure he told you about it mainly to get a rise out of you and/or make you jealous.

 

The best way to handle that kind of situation, in my experience, is to turn that hurt and anger you're feeling into motivation! Getting out of his house and starting a new life, pursuing outside interests, and striving for happiness is the best way not only to show him that you don't live for him, but to also realize (for yourself) that you can be a better you without him.

[anna121]

I really hope you couched surfed last night. I can barely stand to read this. Oh, and some people may disagree with me but I wouldn't give him another red cent. I doubt he would do anything and you need the money. Hell if it was me I'd demand that he chip in to help me move. He breached your agreement - let him deal with some goddamn fall-out!!

 

FFS.