What do I do?

[LVSK]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years since I was 17 and we live together now. He's a great guy, looks after me and is the type of guy I would consider myself having a family with. Thing is I'm not in love with him anymore. I do love him as a person but there's just no spark there anymore. But we have a great life, and lovely house together.

So here's the hard part, I'm head over heels in love with someone else! This is a guy I work with and have sat next to every day for 3 years now, I considered him a great friend but over the past year I've realised how in love with him I am. We are like soul mates, have so much in common, he has me in fits laughing every day and we can talk about anything. He's not what I would consider good looking either, but his personality makes him so attractive to me. I think about him literally every second I'm not with him. I get butterflies in my belly all the time. I love him so much my heart actually hurts! He doesn't know I feel like this. He hasn't had a girlfriend the whole time I've known him, sometimes I think there are tell tale signs that he feels the same about me and that he's holding back because I have a boyfriend, but then I wonder if I'm just delusional and blinded by love.

What do I do? Give up my life with my boyfriend? Will this feeling pass? What if I tell the guy how I feel and he rejects me? I couldn't lose him as a friend that would be unthinkable. Do I just try and forget about my love for this guy and settle with my boyfriend? I don't want to look back on this with regrets.

[Philosoraptor]

You either end your relationship or cut all contact with this other man and focus yourself solely on reenergizing your current relationship.

 

If you feel like you'd be "settling" by sticking with your boyfriend then I'd suggest dumping him. He deserves someone who isn't going to be temped by, and fall 'in love' with other people, and isn't just "settling" to be with him.

[Meadowgreen]

You either end your relationship or cut all contact with this other man and focus yourself solely on reenergizing your current relationship.

 

If you feel like you'd be "settling" by sticking with your boyfriend then I'd suggest dumping him. He deserves someone who isn't going to be temped by, and fall 'in love' with other people, and isn't just "settling" to be with him.

 

To reiterate what Philosoraptor has said, you really need to make a clear decision on what you're going to do. it isn't fair on either you or your boyfriend to stay in a relationship you don't see improving.

 

We're all animals at the end of the day, animals with primal urges, so it's natural you would be tempted by someone else. That said, be very careful that your ardour for this new man isn't symptomatic of the boredom you're feeling in your long term relationship. Ever heard of the 7 year itch? It takes alot of focus and hard work to stay committed in a relationship and dedicate yourself to re-energising it. it's easier to say 'to hell with it' and run off with someone new and exciting...until of course they too become boring and humdrum, and trust me, even the nmost enthralling partner has these moments.

 

If you do leave your current partner however it wouldn't be prudent to jump straight into a relationship with this other man. There's several reasons for this:

 

Even if you're completely over your current relationship emotionally, you will still have baggage and loose threads you don't even know you're carrying around with you. these will need to be dealt with before you can forge a healthy relationship with someone else.

 

i fear that if you do jump head-first into a new relationship with this other man, he will worry subconsciously that this is a rebound relationship which can also mean shaky ground.

 

You need to know yourself to be your best self, and the only way you can do that is by spending some time on your own to think and reflect on the relationship you've ended.

 

I advise you take some time to really evaluate what you want in the long run, and I ain't talking some stolen moment with this person you believe to be The One (I for one HATE that myth and blame it unequivocally for much of the heartache in this world.) There will be a lot of fallout to deal with if you do dump your boyfriend, and he will have a lot of hurt and hangups over it.

 

About 18 months into my long-term relationship, I was going through a rocky patch in my relationship (we were long distance at the time and my family were casting aspersions over the seriousness of it, as families do...) I too felt like I was falling for a friend of mine and almost called it quits with my boyfriend. I now look back on this and realise what a massive mistake I would've been making. This other man was basically using my vulnerability to get close to me, earn my trust and sway me away from a committed relationship. He was in a relationship of his own a month later, so it shows you how 'special' a bond we had.

 

I know this is a tremultuous time for you, but you must not let your lust cloud your judgement. If you truly...TRULY know the relationship is over however, you need to do the honourable thing and let him go. Just make sure it's for the right reasons, not because you're viewing this other man through rose-tinted glasses.

 

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

Edited November 26, 2013 by Meadowgreen

[devilish innocent]

You need to be careful here. People often say they love their significant but aren't in love when they're caught up in an emotional affair. That's because, first of all, they're comparing the feelings for their old partner with the feelings of a new love. The second is always going to seem much more exciting because emotions and hormones tend to be in overdrive when you're first falling in love. Secondly, just falling for somebody new can cause you to feel less attracted or connected to your partner than you would have felt otherwise.

 

I would cut off contact with your co-worker for at least a few months so that you can search your heart without these feelings clouding your judgment. Then you could truly evaluate if your boyfriend is right for you or if you need to move on. If you've moved past your feelings for your co-worker and still believe something is missing from your relationship, then leave him and start dating other people. But guys that you can have a great life with don't come along every day, so I would give things a fair shot before throwing in the towel.