long distance breakup

[confusedwhatnow]

HI All,

 

just abit of back ground. Im 24 living in the UK and my ex is 22 living in eastern europe we have been friends for around 3 years online meeting through our favourite sport sometime ago. I had a girlfriend then, which I went through a very messy break up with as I just couldnt make the friends thing work, she was a major support for me through that. I always maintained that because of that I wont be able to be friends with new lovers if we were to ever break up and she knew that.

 

We spent the last year or so romantically interlinked meeting up on a month basis, which suddenly dragged out to 2 months cause of my work commitments. She had just recently came to visit me in the UK everything was fine, there didnt seem to be any plans to break up although we did have a little fight a few weeks earlier, but we were talking for future trips and plans. 2 Weeks after she left, she got bad news about her collage scholarship and found out that we couldnt meet up like we had planned becaus she would have to work those weekends.

 

She hates me paying for things, but she doesnt have the money really to support the relationship but the money side does not bother me. We had a little heart to heart and said she didnt want to give up but only a few days later i sent her a romantic photo about like distance sucks but not having you in my life would be worse and that just seemed to spark a heartbreaking moment. She said she not feel like in a relationship, for somereason I just seen red and flipped, i felt like i was guilt tripped into breaking up with her because she couldnt bring herself to say those words. she asked me not to hate her or ignore her, she said she was sorry i will always be in her heart and loves me more than anything, but she cant make this work, do girls really leave people they love more than anything?

 

Anyways we not talk for two weeks, then i sent her out a little message just to say i hope she enjoys her weekend at a friends wedding, we chat little bit joke and stuff. but that was that, i took myself off facebook and other social media sites cause seeing her picture and stuff was killing me inside and started reading into her posts to much like her song posts. we not speak will 1 week later she she sends out a simple message of 'hey'. I felt quite hurt by that, it seemed so effortless like she not care if replied or not. so i didnt reply. its now been a further week, im still not on facebook. and she seems to of taken herself off our a most common messaging app. Im realling missing her inside but i dont want portray that, because i dont want to appear needy or obsessive, i really do love her and ive even started going to the gym trying to work out, improve myself in anyway i can.

 

I want to move on because i dont want hurt by trying to convince her into something maybe she doesnt want, I dont want be friends because i think i cant be happy like that knowing shell never be mine, i know what i was like when i split with my ex ex. but i dont want lose her forever either she was like my best friend as well as my girlfriend so its a double break up. its not like i go round and maybe hook up for coffee and see if we can talk this over. we live in 2 different countries. just dont know if i should be the bigger man and reach out to her again and see if shes ok, or just wait for her to try harder than an effortless hey and see what happens.

Edited November 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[fixing]

Hey. That sounds like a really tough situation to face. I have no experience in LDR, and tbh i doubt i ever would because of the stress and heartache you have mentioned above.

I would however, put yourself back on facebook, because that looks like your deeply affected by this, and kinda looks weak to her imo. Just 'hide' all her activity on facebook. I do understand, that this little 'hey' message is a bit hurtful, kinda like 'Wtf? Am i just some random facebook acquaintance to you?'

It is effortless On her behalf. As for being a bigger man and wanting to maybe reach out and message her? I always got to say NO.

She made a conscious decision to end this commitment, not you! You have probably made her aware that you love her and want to continue, there's nothing else you can do from your end.

Plus being friends with an ex gf, never works man.. Especially if your the one dumped.

I say, go back to your normal online presence, but hide all her stuff. Keep going to the gym, but btw, your should be going to the gym, for you, NOT HER.

I dont what the game plan was going to be when you both lived so far away? Would she have moved to you? You to her?

Either way, you gotta accept her decision for now. But, NEVER show anyone your affected. It keeps them wondering when the dumpee seems to be completely normal.

This ball is solely in her court, but i do suggest you get into the mindset of moving on.

[confusedwhatnow]

Thank you for your time to reply. Yes its so tough, the emotions i face are so far reaching, gutting upset, to anger and fustration there the ones I dont want to show her cause I know I can be very snappy in my words sometimes. I want her to be happy but me also be happy. I go gym for me anyways, its a really good distraction anyways. I just felt like I have not fought for her at all and thats sent out the message like im not interested anymore and dont care. I would of moved to her with out a doubt, but we also had plans to see if possible move to new york, after she finish college. thanks for your time to respond,

[fixing]

Ok, so you both had plans for the future? Thats great. She knows you would have committed to this. But you got to remember that, life is full of disappointments, unfairly so sometimes. But, in a relationship, when one person says they want to call it a day, as painful as that is to hear, we gotta to grit our teeth and accept it.

Its not like the movies. Everyone at some stage in their life, believe they can 'fight' for their lover, and change their minds with heartfelt poems, letters, flowers, surprise visits, but all that does, is pushes the dumper further away.

If you and her are meant to be, then it will be. Afterall, none of us know what the future holds.

I say to reinstate your facebook page and other online stuff to show her,others and the world that your 'fine' with the decision she made. It makes you seem stronger, even though your dying on the inside. It also leaves you open to receiving a message from her down the line if she wants to.

Keep up with the gym and looking after yourself, and definitely continue no contact, unless she really reaches out in a meaningful way.

[Transplant]

This is a tough situation, mate, one of which I am all too familiar with. I moved from the states to England for school and then Scotland for graduate school and laid many chips down in LDRs; one of my ex-girlfriends even moved to Scotland to be with me. LDRs can work and if that other party is committed, they will find a way to make it work.

 

My ex broke up with me for similar reasons and I thought it was the distance that did it. I was actually living in Washington DC and her across the country and she cited the, 'I can't make this work' and I immediately thought it was the distance so I moved across the country only to find a hot mess of uncertainty and doubt. She said the similar things as yours did, 'I love you more than anything,' and 'I've never been happier than when I'm with you.' Despite her saying this, it wasn't enough which made me question if what she said was even true. Truth be told, it doesn't matter in the grander scheme of things. Her actions said differently. Your bird may come back and she may not but right now, there's a good chance it's not the geographical distance that's keeping her from you; it probably is something far deeper and if this is the case, I can guarantee you that or those reason(s) will be more painful to hear and accept than distance.

 

Being friends at this stage may be too painful for you; I know it was for me, which was beyond tormenting as this girl was my best friend. Fighting someone's indifference or uncertainly is a losing fight and what happens if you win? What's the prize? Someone you had to convince (in some shape or form) to be with you?

 

I don't know if it's about being a bigger or better man; be yourself. This girl fell for you and someone else will too and neither distance nor emotional uncertainty will keep her from you. Keep well, mate

[confusedwhatnow]

Yes i know ive had my fair share, in relationships and other walks of life. i just hope this was not one stupid game gone wrong. yes movie love never works, i maintained no contact with my over ex and she messaged me few months down the line, i was in a more stable state of mind then but chose not to rekindle anything and now we are friends so it os ok.... agree if it is meant to be god will chose his path. but sometimes we not always get what we want in life. but i will definately wait to see if she wants fo fight for atleast our friendship.