Ex changed attitude, but now what?

[aff219]

So I've posted about various parts of my situation over the last few months, but for a quick recap:

 

-gf of 3 years broke up with me in august

-i made rookie mistakes (beg plead suit and tie n presents express "my love" for her as deeply as possible etc) though was not stalkerish or anything

-she started dating some guy 2 weeks into the breakup

-caused her to go full-on angry

 

 

Since then, she has been completely hostile and agressive. She cut out all contact from me, removed me from facebook, blocked my phone number, and basically refused to talk to me. The -only- reason we've talked since early september was to arrange her giving me my stuff back, which I avoided because I didn't want to deal with it (due to her both being mean, and she insisted her new bf would be there)

 

well, long story short, I Basically gave up on "winning her back" and went no contact, and any time she'd get in touch with me I became very professional and quick to the point, "hey there, yea, sure okay, bye" and was going to have her drop my stuff off with a family member

 

I wound up doing something I thought was foolish, I paid for "relationship coaching" by this guy phil from Get Back With Your Ex | Get Your Ex | Zoomonkey.com ... yea...i know i know you don't have to tell me. I thought I just wasted my cash, but honestly I'm in a MUCH better place than I was thanks to it, but now I don't have a clue what to do so I'd like some outside perspective, I've never been in this new situation.

 

Basically, she got in touch with me to give me my stuff, and when she did I stayed calm and didn't push for anything ,and told her she can drop my stuff off with a family member. she showed a little bit of resentment at the idea, so I asked why. She had been trying to give me this stuff for months and I kept dodging it, so it was weird that she was upset now simply becuase I wouldn't be there, so I asked "Do you want me to be there?"

 

This is where everything changed. She paused for a second, and said "I should say no, but I guess I do." I asked why, and her answer shocked me:

 

she told me shes been thinking about me, and she feels bad for how things have gone and would like to talk about things "for closure I guess"

 

So I agreed to meet in person. Well the day came around and she had to cancel the plans, so I asked if she'd like to talk on the phone for now since she was wanting to talk to me, she agreed, and things got even better (yet way more confusing)

 

-she admitted she still has feelings about me "like that" ie she loves me, thinks im her soul mate, thinks were supposed to be together etc

-showed a bit of anger "I'm so pissed that I gave you my everything for 3 years and now its over"

-told me "I'm not ruling out us in the future"

-told me shes just "going with the flow"

 

we talked for like another hour basically taking turns with saying how much we care about one another, She led so I followed in topic (i figured it couldn't hurt)

 

great, right? not quite. She told me all these things, but did NOT hint or say she wants to come back -now-. So shes basically said "I think you're the one, but I'm with this guy right now."

 

How in the world do you handle that? What do I do? That mindset doesn't even make sense to me...

 

I'm concerned that I just gave her an ego boost. We were supposed to meet in person and talk but it turned into a phonecall, so I expected her to make arrangements to meet up with me in the coming days, but instead, she txt'd me 2 days later with a very odd txt (we've NOT been on good terms all this time, then this text was basically just a random quick question of no major topic, i gave a quick short reply because I didn't know if I should try to engage her in conversation), then nothing and it's been a week.

 

Did she really feel all that? Am I just reading too much into everything? Did she just go for an ego boost because I'd been ignoring her? Did I mess up by joining in the "emotions" she gave me that night? Is waiting this long before we have the actual meetup a bad thing after she talked to me like that? (Build up immunity etc)

Edited November 25, 2013 by aff219

[2fargone]

Your first mistake was suggesting to talk on the phone. She can't make it after wanting to meet you, so be it.

 

 

Then you start pulling things out of her. Wich means you want it. So yes, she has her confirmation, and gave you a little extra to think about.

 

 

I'm not convinced it's a concious thing she does. But this stuff happens. You don't read too much into everything perse, but you STEERED the conversation.... And that's a big no-no...

[MoooOinkBaaa]

She's got you right where she wants you. If you were the one she wouldn't be with someone else or say it. I think it's just post love residual and this new guy has started scratching his balls and picking his nose around her.

 

I think she was reminiscing and it's been months so she contacted you again. Then you filled all that void back up by giving her an ego boost as you say. So now it's been a week and it'll be longer, she's already gone months but maybe she will come back for her top up.

 

Love how she gets angry that she wasted three years, she dumped you haha. She's not ruling you out at least, for her. Basically this is your relationship. Imagine a scale with you on one side and him on the other. Right now he's newer, lighter with less baggage. You're the old heavy baggage on the other side. But the scales keep changing and depending on what you do they could go up or down.

 

She doesn't even know what she wants.

 

What you need to do is take yourself off the scale altogether, for good. Then do not contact her even if she says you're her soulmate. This leaves the new guy on the scales and the only thing she can focus on. Then she will know if she really loves him or you because she will have no choice but him. Let her do this, she may choose him in the end but that's for the best because you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't truly love you. Look at yourself would you settle for another woman or do you truly love someone else?

 

Once she realizes she's lost you she will be forced to think more rationally about what she wants. She will move mountains if she wanted you back.

 

Don't give her anything you can't play around with people like this. It's not even fair on her new boyfriend to be saying all this to you.

Edited November 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Never Again]

I wound up doing something I thought was foolish, I paid for "relationship coaching" by this guy phil from Get Back With Your Ex | Get Your Ex | Zoomonkey.com ... yea...i know i know you don't have to tell me. I thought I just wasted my cash, but honestly I'm in a MUCH better place than I was thanks to it, but now I don't have a clue what to do so I'd like some outside perspective, I've never been in this new situation.

 

Okay, I'll bite - how exactly did he help?

 

Obviously you're not back with your ex right now (we all know there's no magic bullet for that kinda stuff). Did he just convince you to do NC like we talk about here? Or did talking about your problems with a nonfriend help?

 

I don't believe in the "ex back" systems as a tool for reconciliation, but I've found that they actually contain some useful coping mechanisms...but you can often find that stuff on this forum for free.

 

I just sort of find it weird to hear that you're in a better place because of it. I mean, unless you treated it like normal counseling - at which point, why didn't you just see a counselor?

[aff219]

yea, you're all right and i admit that, I shouldn't have given her as much as I did. Though I do think talking about it "a little" would have been good, just enough to stir her emotions, i believe I did give her way way too much...I guess yall are right in that.

 

As for the last post, the guy i spoke to on that website, yea, for the most part you can get all that type of information free on forums like these, but it was nice to actually -talk- to someone that wasn't a RL friend, and he honestly did help in ways others havent. I've posted on quite a few forums over the last few months, and for the most part its been the same thing overa nd over "go no contact and take care of yourself bro!" which is the basic idea of it, and yes, partly thats what he suggested. But he actually sat down and heard my entire story out, and walked through "each possible scenario" with me, the pros and cons of each individual idea, kind of like map out the possible routes to take and really go in-depth with the ideas behind what we decide on. I mean it's an ongoing thing, yes he suggested some no contact, but where most of the forum replies were "go no contact and she'll come back if its meant to be", hes kind of fine-tuned the concept to match my specific situation, and defined the timeframe to wait before going forward with "the next step" yaknow?

 

as for saying i'm in a better place, she was basically destroying me any chance she got until I started listening to him (which granted, I guess no contact was suggested in other places, but he helped me go through "how to act" and whatnot as well in some pretty good detail)

 

anyway, I'm not trying to sell him or anything, but you asked so i told, I guess all in all it was a combination of "expert advice" and a bit of counciling that helps sooth the nerves.

[melell]

The point where the ex is with someone else should be the biggest slap in the face to make you give up.

 

I would assume it is exceptionally hard to be with someone else when you are still in love with your ex.

 

If someone is with someone while in love with someone else then you should seriously question their character.

[Never Again]

I suspected as much.

 

Lending an ear, helping you soundboard and essentially telling you to stick NC.

 

Still probably a rip off, but I can attest that sometimes a helpful objective party is helpful.

 

I was seeing a grief counselor for other issues, and ended up talking about my breakup a lot. She never gave suggestions or walked me through scenarios, but it was just to be able to open up and not feel guilty about it.

 

After all, she was getting paid to listen to me bitch.

[tiredofitall2]

So I've posted about various parts of my situation over the last few months, but for a quick recap:

 

-gf of 3 years broke up with me in august

-i made rookie mistakes (beg plead suit and tie n presents express "my love" for her as deeply as possible etc) though was not stalkerish or anything

-she started dating some guy 2 weeks into the breakup

-caused her to go full-on angry

 

 

Since then, she has been completely hostile and agressive. She cut out all contact from me, removed me from facebook, blocked my phone number, and basically refused to talk to me. The -only- reason we've talked since early september was to arrange her giving me my stuff back, which I avoided because I didn't want to deal with it (due to her both being mean, and she insisted her new bf would be there)

 

well, long story short, I Basically gave up on "winning her back" and went no contact, and any time she'd get in touch with me I became very professional and quick to the point, "hey there, yea, sure okay, bye" and was going to have her drop my stuff off with a family member

 

I wound up doing something I thought was foolish, I paid for "relationship coaching" by this guy phil from Get Back With Your Ex | Get Your Ex | Zoomonkey.com ... yea...i know i know you don't have to tell me. I thought I just wasted my cash, but honestly I'm in a MUCH better place than I was thanks to it, but now I don't have a clue what to do so I'd like some outside perspective, I've never been in this new situation.

 

Basically, she got in touch with me to give me my stuff, and when she did I stayed calm and didn't push for anything ,and told her she can drop my stuff off with a family member. she showed a little bit of resentment at the idea, so I asked why. She had been trying to give me this stuff for months and I kept dodging it, so it was weird that she was upset now simply becuase I wouldn't be there, so I asked "Do you want me to be there?"

 

This is where everything changed. She paused for a second, and said "I should say no, but I guess I do." I asked why, and her answer shocked me:

 

she told me shes been thinking about me, and she feels bad for how things have gone and would like to talk about things "for closure I guess"

 

So I agreed to meet in person. Well the day came around and she had to cancel the plans, so I asked if she'd like to talk on the phone for now since she was wanting to talk to me, she agreed, and things got even better (yet way more confusing)

 

-she admitted she still has feelings about me "like that" ie she loves me, thinks im her soul mate, thinks were supposed to be together etc

-showed a bit of anger "I'm so pissed that I gave you my everything for 3 years and now its over"

-told me "I'm not ruling out us in the future"

-told me shes just "going with the flow"

 

we talked for like another hour basically taking turns with saying how much we care about one another, She led so I followed in topic (i figured it couldn't hurt)

 

great, right? not quite. She told me all these things, but did NOT hint or say she wants to come back -now-. So shes basically said "I think you're the one, but I'm with this guy right now."

 

How in the world do you handle that? What do I do? That mindset doesn't even make sense to me...

 

I'm concerned that I just gave her an ego boost. We were supposed to meet in person and talk but it turned into a phonecall, so I expected her to make arrangements to meet up with me in the coming days, but instead, she txt'd me 2 days later with a very odd txt (we've NOT been on good terms all this time, then this text was basically just a random quick question of no major topic, i gave a quick short reply because I didn't know if I should try to engage her in conversation), then nothing and it's been a week.

 

Did she really feel all that? Am I just reading too much into everything? Did she just go for an ego boost because I'd been ignoring her? Did I mess up by joining in the "emotions" she gave me that night? Is waiting this long before we have the actual meetup a bad thing after she talked to me like that? (Build up immunity etc)

 

 

I never post on this side of LS. But here it goes. It sounds like now that she knows you are there waiting she feels secure. You will be waiting for her once her R is done if it ever is. The only way she will ever come back is if she she realizes there is a real possibility she will lose you forever. Unfortunately this happens when the OP is actually moving on. Typically too late. Maybe you can devise a plan to get her to the stage she where thinks she is losing you and then you gain the upper hand again.

[AlexfromBoston]

Buddy, if you really, truly want her back you need to limit your contact and act like you don't care anymore. Show her that you are capable of moving on yourself. Go out, have fun, get drunk and meet new women. When she starts noticing that you are moving on it may, or may not send her into panic mode. Women are generally quicker to yank the ol' proverbial plug out of the wall but they are usually the first stick it back into the socket. Men have a tougher time, initially, but usually tough it out better in the long run. In general, women hold on to memories longer.

[tjr]

I called zoo monkey too lol. I needed anything to take my focus off the ex even if it was about the ex if that makes sense. It helpped in ways of keeping me calm how to deal with some of my situation, which was not an easy one. And yeah i knew it wouldnt give my ex back, but i figured why not do what I can. I definatly gave him a run for his money haha. I was able to vent etc in real time since at that time, me and the ex seemed hooked on each other even if he broke it off. I think it helpped keep me from looking like a total fool, and tolerate some fairly grim weeks. The advice was fairly normal but was adaptive. And i liked calling vs having to go see someone, although i coulda got work to pay for that.

 

Once youve exhusted everything, just letting go is left, and if the person truely regrets what theyve done and want to make amends they will. But untill then you just gotta let it be.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

I think one of my biggest mistakes in my break up was giving my ex the luxury of knowing I'm waiting. His sister and my friend (who was her ex) grabbed dinner the other night and caught up after not seeing each other for awhile. I came up in the conversation, and my friend told me that my ex's sister essentially made it seem like they all knew I was waiting and hadn't moved on.

 

Not only was that a huge blow for my ego but it also showed me I need to do a better job at moving on because this guy is doing whatever he wants to be doing right now and knowing in the back of his head that I will be there waiting when he is done, and that is NOT okay!

 

So I my suggestion to you is to move on and actually do it! Doesn't mean you have to get into a relationship, but start dating. I fully believe that in order for someone to grow as a person they have to be on their own and not in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that you can't go out on dates here and there.