babyb3 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Through a friend, I found my boyfriend's dating profile. We are in a LDR that was supposed to be ending shortly. Me moving there. Obviously I'm not. It's HIS profile. It's verified through Facebook and his email. No doubt about it. And it was last used a few weeks ago. I busted him on one before and forgave him. I sent him a text explaining what I found and that it was over and not to contact me. He sent a response saying how he had no clue what I was talking about. This is what he sent: "What is that? I never used that. I didn't make that. I can't believe we're still on this. There's no trust left. You have no proof. Anytime you bring this up (referring to busting him last time), it makes me feel like I might as well have done that stuff. You keep throwing this in my face. I never used that site. I wish I were lying. I'm tired of dealing with this. Tired of being blamed for something I didn't do. We really need to end things. I won't lose any sleep over this. I hope you find peace with this. Just please stop. I can't take this anymore". What the hell was that? I'm not going to respond. We bickered enough. But I don't know what to make of it.
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 You called it over - stop trying to make sense of it. Forget about him. He was writing a stream of consciousness and apparently on top of that not articulate or logical. Next!
forgetmenot75 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 He's trying to making you believe he's not created that profile. He's trying to manipulate you, so you'll feel guilty accusing him. what a piece of crap you have as boyfriend! It's not that he has that profile up, it's the lies what should make you sick.
Balzac Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I busted him on one before and forgave him. Yeah well, it's coming around again.
JDPT Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 What's it called, reversed psychology. And the fact that he exuberantly wrote it wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me only makes him more guilty. He clearly did not learn his first lesson and he was lucky enough to be forgiven, not anymore.
Author babyb3 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 24m and I have been dating since June. We've known each other for 4 years. He lives about an hour away so we only get to see each other once a week as he has a busy schedule. For the first half of our relationship, I could tell he really liked me and we were kinda smitten with each other. We talked all of the time. He was attentive. He always asked how I was. He seemed really taken with me and I felt the same. However, for the last three months now it all changed. He says things in passing that really hurts my feelings. Sometimes it gives off the impression that he doesn't care at all. He emphasizes his loneliness. Most of the week he's alone and hates it. But this is due to his situation, not mine. When I suggest to compromise and fix it for us, he doesn't put in any effort. Sometimes he won't respond to any of my messages. When he eventually does (2-5 days later), he will say he's depressed and didn't feel "the need" to talk. He will harp on me about how he misses me and then randomly say he's worried because he doesn't miss me. He always sent me songs about his feelings but lately he's sent me ones with indifferent lyrics. He said he doesn't remember who I am. He's afraid he will forget. He told me that his feelings for me sometimes go away and when he remembers, then he feels better about our relationship. He'll end it and change his mind. The last time this happened, it was really bizarre. He said it was over and then when I asked why he's doing this he responded with "that's not what I mean I just want to fix it". So basically he's dumping me to try to get his way without being an adult. Like if he kicks and screams and hurts my feelings, ill do it his way. His way or the highway. He mentioned me moving up there to his area. He told me he wouldn't want to move in and I'd have to support myself but it's something that should be done soon. When I mentioned my concerns about my finances, he said "that won't matter because I'll have you here nothing will matter". But it doesn't work that way. He told me that distance isn't worth it even with me. He physically can't do it. He said he wants to but can't. However, if I say yes to coming soon, he's really happy. I asked him why were together if his feelings are all over the place and if he's unsure about me. He told me he knows I won't care about anyone like I care about him. This was a slap in the face. I don't know what to do. I care and want it to work but I don't get what's going on. I am falling in love with him but I know he probably won't be there with me anytime soon. Especially if I don't come. He's sweet one day but then I don't know. Insight?
CherryT Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 End it. He's flakey and indecisive. One minute he wants you and the next he doesn't. He tries and breaks up with you and then recants that. I totally understand why you don't know what to make of it… he's confusing. Do not move to him. Your finances and stability do matter. If he wants you to sacrifice stability for a relationship, he best be in it. I wouldn't even consider moving let alone staying with him at this point… Sorry that he's hurting you. But he's a grown man at 24 years old. He needs to stop whining and either be in the relationship or let you move on. Btw, I'm also in a LDR so I know it's not easy. I'll also be moving to a different country but would never do it for a "boyfriend". My F and I endured LD for years… though we missed each other and could've done it sooner, we wanted to be financially smart about the transition. If you're meant to be together, what's another year on a LD? IF you really love someone the wait is most definitely worth it.
Author babyb3 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 End it. He's flakey and indecisive. One minute he wants you and the next he doesn't. He tries and breaks up with you and then recants that. I totally understand why you don't know what to make of it… he's confusing. Do not move to him. Your finances and stability do matter. If he wants you to sacrifice stability for a relationship, he best be in it. I wouldn't even consider moving let alone staying with him at this point… Sorry that he's hurting you. But he's a grown man at 24 years old. He needs to stop whining and either be in the relationship or let you move on. Btw, I'm also in a LDR so I know it's not easy. I'll also be moving to a different country but would never do it for a "boyfriend". My F and I endured LD for years… though we missed each other and could've done it sooner, we wanted to be financially smart about the transition. If you're meant to be together, what's another year on a LD? IF you really love someone the wait is most definitely worth it. Thank you. I guess I have my answer. I know for certain that he would absolutely never wait a year, not even a month for me. He despises LD and doesn't want it. Even though he thinks I'm "perfect" for him. I guess not. My next question is how do I end things? See, he's very manipulative. That I've come to realize. If I go through all of the formal means of breaking it off (Skype, phone, even text), I don't think I will. I think he'll sweep me back into it. Any other suggestions? He's been so on/off that I feel maybe it's appropriate I go dark? Last night he ended things again to recant it like I said in my post. Since he just did that, can I just not respond to any messages? He never calls me first anyway. I'm wondering if this would be okay to do. I don't trust myself.
CherryT Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Thank you. I guess I have my answer. I know for certain that he would absolutely never wait a year, not even a month for me. He despises LD and doesn't want it. Even though he thinks I'm "perfect" for him. I guess not. My next question is how do I end things? See, he's very manipulative. That I've come to realize. If I go through all of the formal means of breaking it off (Skype, phone, even text), I don't think I will. I think he'll sweep me back into it. Any other suggestions? He's been so on/off that I feel maybe it's appropriate I go dark? Last night he ended things again to recant it like I said in my post. Since he just did that, can I just not respond to any messages? He never calls me first anyway. I'm wondering if this would be okay to do. I don't trust myself. At a minimum, even in local relationships, you should feel secure. He doesn't make you feel secure while you're LD and he's already said things that shouldn't make you feel secure if you moved. Like your finances don't matter and it'll all work out. Life doesn't just work itself out like that. There's a huge cost of moving and he should at least be more understanding of that. If he's not willing to wait a little longer or at least help you plan your move with you, he's not worth the sacrifice. I've seen it on this forum and have friends who up and left to be with a boyfriend… they moved and within months it didn't work out. No sweat off the other persons back because they weren't that invested, but the headache and heartache for the one who sacrificed was a lot. If he already broke up with you, I'd stop talking to him. If he tries to speak with you, just said remember you ended it and I think it should stay that way. If you feel that you're still on and want to break up with him, you should do it on Skype or whatever form you normally talk to. You can only control yourself and you should care about yourself more to not get swept back into a relationship where the guy 1) is manipulative and 2) isn't looking out for your best interest. There are men out there who will treat you well. Who won't manipulate you and break up with you as a way to keep you on your toes. I wonder if he does it purposely to hurt you and has no idea that you would actually want to stay broken up. He probably enjoys the fact that you always try to work it out and is always the person to contact him first. Take away that power from him and start taking care of yourself.
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 (edited) 24m and I have been dating since June. We've known each other for 4 years. He lives about an hour away so we only get to see each other once a week as he has a busy schedule. For the first half of our relationship, I could tell he really liked me and we were kinda smitten with each other. We talked all of the time. He was attentive. He always asked how I was. He seemed really taken with me and I felt the same. However, for the last three months now it all changed. He says things in passing that really hurts my feelings. Sometimes it gives off the impression that he doesn't care at all. He emphasizes his loneliness. Most of the week he's alone and hates it. But this is due to his situation, not mine. When I suggest to compromise and fix it for us, he doesn't put in any effort. Sometimes he won't respond to any of my messages. When he eventually does (2-5 days later), he will say he's depressed and didn't feel "the need" to talk. He will harp on me about how he misses me and then randomly say he's worried because he doesn't miss me. He always sent me songs about his feelings but lately he's sent me ones with indifferent lyrics. He said he doesn't remember who I am. He's afraid he will forget. He told me that his feelings for me sometimes go away and when he remembers, then he feels better about our relationship. He'll end it and change his mind. The last time this happened, it was really bizarre. He said it was over and then when I asked why he's doing this he responded with "that's not what I mean I just want to fix it". So basically he's dumping me to try to get his way without being an adult. Like if he kicks and screams and hurts my feelings, ill do it his way. His way or the highway. He mentioned me moving up there to his area. He told me he wouldn't want to move in and I'd have to support myself but it's something that should be done soon. When I mentioned my concerns about my finances, he said "that won't matter because I'll have you here nothing will matter". But it doesn't work that way. He told me that distance isn't worth it even with me. He physically can't do it. He said he wants to but can't. However, if I say yes to coming soon, he's really happy. I asked him why were together if his feelings are all over the place and if he's unsure about me. He told me he knows I won't care about anyone like I care about him. This was a slap in the face. I don't know what to do. I care and want it to work but I don't get what's going on. I am falling in love with him but I know he probably won't be there with me anytime soon. Especially if I don't come. He's sweet one day but then I don't know. Insight? Cherry is on the ball!! It must be something in the water cause on LS there's been ssssoooooo many instances lately of women dating douchey men who are flaky, cheap, don't take initiative, unsupportive, selfish, "their way or the highway" demanding the woman moves and the poor woman is left perplexed. It is clear that he is not that into you. I know your heart and mind are in combat right now but listen to his actions. They speak volumes. Any relationship where there isn't a 50/50 kind of compromise and effort is doomed and leaves one person resentful. Would you really want to put this much into a wishy, washy man? Listen, just have some dignity and self respect. He doesn't love or respect you. Don't ever chase a man! He is not lifting a finger on his end and the only one who stands to lose and look like a fool is you in the end. Go no contact and delete what you have to. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I challenge you to peruse through love shack and look at the successful long distance stories where the distance was closed and compare them to the unsuccessful ones. You will notice patterns and see how your story is congruent to many even recent unsuccessful stories on here. Don't want to be negative but you absolutely deserve the best but you have to know your worth and stick to your guns. Patience is a virtue. The right relationship won't be a million ups and downs, emotional and mental turmoil and one person putting in all of the effort. A double minded man is unstable in ALL of his ways. When someone shows you who he is, BELIEVE THEM. And plus he has told you EXPLICITLY you are NOT WORTH IT!! Is your self esteem so low you will cling to a man who blatantly deems you UNWORTHY?? Come on darling, we are all worth something to the right person. And by the way, when on earth did 1hr become "long distance?" He is just full of excuses. THAT IS NOT LONG DISTANCE. Edited November 21, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly 1
CherryT Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Cherry is on the ball!! It must be something in the water cause on LS there's been ssssoooooo many instances lately of women dating douchey men who are flaky, cheap, don't take initiative, unsupportive, selfish, "their way or the highway" demanding the woman moves and the poor woman is left perplexed. It is clear that he is not that into you. I know your heart and mind are in combat right now but listen to his actions. They speak volumes. Any relationship where there isn't a 50/50 kind of compromise and effort is doomed and leaves one person resentful. Would you really want to put this much into a wishy, washy man? Listen, just have some dignity and self respect. He doesn't love or respect you. Don't ever chase a man! He is not lifting a finger on his end and the only one who stands to lose and look like a fool is you in the end. Go no contact and delete what you have to. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I challenge you to peruse through love shack and look at the successful long distance stories where the distance was closed and compare them to the unsuccessful ones. You will notice patterns and see how your story is congruent to many even recent unsuccessful stories on here. Don't want to be negative but you absolutely deserve the best but you have to know your worth and stick to your guns. Patience is a virtue. The right relationship won't be a million ups and downs, emotional and mental turmoil and one person putting in all of the effort. A double minded man is unstable in ALL of his ways. When someone shows you who he is, BELIEVE THEM. And plus he has told you EXPLICITLY you are NOT WORTH IT!! Is your self esteem so low you will cling to a man who blatantly deems you UNWORTHY?? Come on darling, we are all worth something to the right person. And by the way, when on earth did 1hr become "long distance?" He is just full of excuses. THAT IS NOT LONG DISTANCE. Couldn't have said it better! Definitely something in the water… Don't get me wrong. I've had bad relationships. I was with my first love from 15-21/22 and he ended up cheating on me. But when I look back at that relationship and at myself, I realized I was mostly to blame. Yes, he was a d*ck but I didn't stop him. I taught him that he could treat me that way and I'd stick around. When I finally snapped out of it, I healed myself and thought about the kind of relationship I wanted. Although I dated, I never committed to anyone after until I met my F. Knowing your worth will only guarantee you finding the man who will treat you well. When you meet someone who doesn't, on to the next. Your time, commitment, love, and loyalty is too important to be spent on someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Couldn't have said it better! Definitely something in the water… Don't get me wrong. I've had bad relationships. I was with my first love from 15-21/22 and he ended up cheating on me. But when I look back at that relationship and at myself, I realized I was mostly to blame. Yes, he was a d*ck but I didn't stop him. I taught him that he could treat me that way and I'd stick around. When I finally snapped out of it, I healed myself and thought about the kind of relationship I wanted. Although I dated, I never committed to anyone after until I met my F. Knowing your worth will only guarantee you finding the man who will treat you well. When you meet someone who doesn't, on to the next. Your time, commitment, love, and loyalty is too important to be spent on someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. Exactly, experience comes through wisdom! I am in the SAME position. My ex didn't exactly cheat, but he was seeing someone else during our "unofficial" reconciliation period and I found out and gave her the 411 b/c he bought my ticket to see him and cheated on her with me. For the past 5 yrs since our break-up I have came close but have yet to commit to anyone on a serious level because I know exactly what I want/need and what I have to offer. Until I find the right situation and it is confirmed, sign, sealed, and delivered I will be patient and not waiver. I've learned we teach people how to treat us. My ex was so darn inflexible while we dated despite my career being specific to certain places while his he could do anywhere. When he saw me make a logical decision rather than an emotional one (stilled loved him to bits when I dumped him) he was shocked. He then saw me living my dreams all over the world, realized what he missed and suddenly was willing to move (although I had long moved on by then). And he's since dated a few girls but he doesn't respect them b/c they let him get away with so much and took him back instantly. He also knows I am marriage material and unlike my successors I will not "play house" ad infinitum nor would I turn a blind eye to indiscretions without someone EARNING back my trust and affections. That's why to date he still has a very high esteem for me. I don't take any nonsense FROM ANY MAN. Having MYSELF and my DIGNITY is worth more than having a man just to have one or holding on to a dead end.
todreaminblue Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I am prone to changing my mind.......i am schizo affective so i have to study what i feel and think reflect a lot before making decisions....... in saying that.....if i am in a relationship and i have doubts i dont voice them i let them go and reflect on them when i am alone and dont confuse the person i am with...i give myself time......i give the person time......i dont ever say i want to break up with you unless it is the only thing i am thinking......you dont say that unless you 100 per cent mean it,that is my mind set on those two words....that my commitment and loyalty i would enver say them unless it was over for good...through rough and bad you sort it out.......you dont say i am breaking up with you to fix it.....its childish logic...tell him not to say it unless he means it and if he wants to break up its final there is no going back.......then see if he still repeats yes we have to break up......it isnt fair on you, him or your relationship for him to continue to do this...deb
Author babyb3 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Please see my history for details. I was in a LDR with a guy who wouldn't do anything for me even though he gave me the ultimatum to move there. He wasn't going to help me at all, so I've decided to end it by sending a quick, but short message. He doesn't deserve a long winded response, phone call, or conversation. Honestly, I was going to just never contact him again but I rather send a quick message and get it over with. I don't want him thinking I succumbed to his abuse. I don't know what to say exactly. I don't just want to say "it's over" because we've done that before. Mostly his end. I want him to really understand it this time. I quit. I'm done. It's over. Time out. The train has left the station. Any suggestions? I'd like to tell him I'm going to be blocking him and not to contact me but don't know if that's too dramatic/emotional.
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Abuse = block him and forget a message. Move on already. 1
xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Please see my history for details. I was in a LDR with a guy who wouldn't do anything for me even though he gave me the ultimatum to move there. He wasn't going to help me at all, so I've decided to end it by sending a quick, but short message. He doesn't deserve a long winded response, phone call, or conversation. Honestly, I was going to just never contact him again but I rather send a quick message and get it over with. I don't want him thinking I succumbed to his abuse. I don't know what to say exactly. I don't just want to say "it's over" because we've done that before. Mostly his end. I want him to really understand it this time. I quit. I'm done. It's over. Time out. The train has left the station. Any suggestions? I'd like to tell him I'm going to be blocking him and not to contact me but don't know if that's too dramatic/emotional. How long was the relationship for? IMO, anything over a few months deserves at least a phone call. But to each their own. Whichever way you do it, just tell him that it is done and why it is done. Be clear. Or else chances are hell keep bugging you for reasons.
fixing Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 If he was abusive. He's a POS. If he never gave anything in the relationship and made no effort than he's not worthy of your time or your emotions. And lol at making an ultimatum too. Guy sounds like a grade A *******. Text is more than enough for that POS. Block him, delete his numbers and never contact him again. You deserve so much better, and you will find it. Hopefully much closer to home next time. 1
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