xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 So I'm a little bit over 2 months post BU. I'm doing MUCH better than I was the past few weeks. I went from down in the dumps for weeks 1-3, feeling better and somewhat over her 3-6, weeks 6-8 were all downhill and wanted to get her back, now weeks 9-10 I'm back to that acceptance phase where I know I'm better off and don't need her. I have no intention of breaking NC, although part of me still wants to breadcrumb her (dumper) to see where she's at. But, I was thinking...We all know women don't say what they mean all the time, or they say one thing and mean another. When my ex wanted a break, I accepted it, saw it as a breakup, which was the right call. But a few people said "maybe she was testing you and wanted to fight for her". I asked her this at the BU. She said "<my name>, you know I don't play games like that" (she does though...sometimes). So...I know I did the right thing from my and many others perspective. But do women really do this? Have they wanted their guy to fight for them in this sense? I'm sure it would help to know the dynamics of our relationship, but it doesn't matter, its in the past. Besides, if she did want me to, I would have been in another catch-22 situation (I realize she put me in many of these). I "fight" for her, she gets pissed at me for not giving her the space she wanted or not believing/trusting her --i lose, I don't fight for her and do what I did --i lose. I know everyone here will say, don't put up with someone like that, who plays games, but I'm just curious from a womans perspective. Have you had any times where YOU wanted your guy to do this. Thanks!
Philosoraptor Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Wanting someone to fight for you is nothing but a game. Not worth the time or emotion. On my end, I'm not fighting for anyone. If someone doesn't want to be with me that's their choice. I'll respect it and move on to someone who either doesn't play childish games or actually wants to be with me. 2
radiodarcy Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) No - -entering into and maintaining a relationship takes two parties. Expecting someone to do all the fighting is just passive aggressive and shows that the person is in the relationship more for the ego stroking and less about accepting the ups and downs that every relationship has and working to navigate those together. On a side note - - really glad to see that you've been feeling better Edited November 25, 2013 by radiodarcy
Author xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Wanting someone to fight for you is nothing but a game. Not worth the time or emotion. On my end, I'm not fighting for anyone. If someone doesn't want to be with me that's their choice. I'll respect it and move on to someone who either doesn't play childish games or actually wants to be with me. I agree completely. It takes two people to get into a relationship, one to get out. Thats on them. Again, I have no intention of breaking NC. I've had thoughts of it, but I'm not going to act on them. Radio, thanks very much! Even though it is manipulative and just screwed up, I was curious if some women actually did this. 1
bobby326 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) Even though I'm not a woman and can't answer this I agree that her wanting you to fight for her is a stupid game. I "fought" for my ex right after the breakup, blamed myself, promised to change all the things she was upset about and said I would go to therapy, pretty pathetic, all it did was make me look weak. I know now that even though I have issues that I need to work on she ha many as well, only difference is I was cognisent of them, she just would say "that's me", dont "fight" or play games, if she wants you she will let you know. Edited November 25, 2013 by bobby326 1
Author xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Even though I'm not a woman and can't answer this I agree that her wanting you to fight for her is a stupid game. I "fought" for my ex right after the breakup, blamed myself, promised to change all the things she was upset about and said I would go to therapy, pretty pathetic, all it did was make me look weak. I know now that even though I have issues that I need to work on she ha many as well, only difference is I was cognisent of them, she just would say "that's me", dont "fight" or play games, if she wants you she will let you know. Yep, I agree completely. I made my problems clear and showed I was working on them. I agree it is a stupid game to play, and thats all it is...a game. I was just curious because had someone say "yes", I wanted to know the mindset they were in out of curiosity.
Never Again Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 My general theory on "fighting for" a relationship is: If both people are willing to stand side by side and "fight" together to make it work, then it's worth it. If one person didn't put in enough effort and was called out on it BUT was given a chance to correct their behavior before a breakup would ensure, then go for it. Anything else is just plain awful.
Author xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 My general theory on "fighting for" a relationship is: If both people are willing to stand side by side and "fight" together to make it work, then it's worth it. If one person didn't put in enough effort and was called out on it BUT was given a chance to correct their behavior before a breakup would ensure, then go for it. Anything else is just plain awful. I hear ya on that. I just wasn't sure if some women WANT the guy to "fight" after the breakup, like to show that he cares and what not.
strive Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Okay, so I have an opinion on this, but don't take it to mean the ALL women feel/think this way. Mine is just one opinion from the billions of other women on the planet. For me, "fighting for someone" means the same as "please show me that you actually have feelings (for me)" This is coming from the general assumption that men have problems communicating their emotions. The need for this usually comes from not feeling emotionally satisfied from the partner, thus "fighting for someone" is seen as a grand gesture or declaration of love. (Now if you're a different kind of guy who actually has no problems opening up, then this doesn't apply to you.) However if it's used as a bargaining tool (ie. "fight for me and I will do this and that" or "if you fight for me I'll consider getting back together with you") then it's nothing more than manipulation. Personally I hate women who do this. Also, I don't know about other girls, but even if I wanted someone to fight for me, I would never ask them to do that. I would rather they do it without any prompting from me because it shows sincerity and determination. If they're only doing it because I asked them to, then it would seem fake. Now for the question, "Should I fight for her?" Well it depends on the situation. Are you pre or post BU? Did she demand it? Is she receptive when you made the effort? Are you dumper or dumpee? Will fighting for her just annoy her? There are so many factors involved that it would really depend on your situation. There is one thing I believe in, though. If you're married or have a family, the answer is always: Yes, fight for it (at least until you've tried everything and you're sure that it can't be fixed)
Author xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Okay, so I have an opinion on this, but don't take it to mean the ALL women feel/think this way. Mine is just one opinion from the billions of other women on the planet. For me, "fighting for someone" means the same as "please show me that you actually have feelings (for me)" This is coming from the general assumption that men have problems communicating their emotions. The need for this usually comes from not feeling emotionally satisfied from the partner, thus "fighting for someone" is seen as a grand gesture or declaration of love. (Now if you're a different kind of guy who actually has no problems opening up, then this doesn't apply to you.) However if it's used as a bargaining tool (ie. "fight for me and I will do this and that" or "if you fight for me I'll consider getting back together with you") then it's nothing more than manipulation. Personally I hate women who do this. Also, I don't know about other girls, but even if I wanted someone to fight for me, I would never ask them to do that. I would rather they do it without any prompting from me because it shows sincerity and determination. If they're only doing it because I asked them to, then it would seem fake. Now for the question, "Should I fight for her?" Well it depends on the situation. Are you pre or post BU? Did she demand it? Is she receptive when you made the effort? Are you dumper or dumpee? Will fighting for her just annoy her? There are so many factors involved that it would really depend on your situation. There is one thing I believe in, though. If you're married or have a family, the answer is always: Yes, fight for it (at least until you've tried everything and you're sure that it can't be fixed) I agree with this completely. I am post BU. I wasn't necessarily asking should I fight for her, just what is a womans mindset when they want them to fight...do they say "I want you to fight for me"..do they expect it..do they want it? I'm 2 months post BU and I'm not looking to fight for her. I'm moving on and she can make the effort to reconcile if she wants to.
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 If the person wasn't fighting for our relationship & making it a priority before we broke up, chasing after me once I've left just pi$$es me off. My EX did this. I point blank told him to stop because if what he was doing was real, he should have been doing it before we broke up. It felt so artificial afterwards. 1
confusedwhatnow Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 My ex gf like this would constantly play stupid games like this, shed constantly tell me she cheated on me to make me mad. she told me for months i didnt love her, and i think our break up was down to a stupid test. We had one more serious test, over a baby, but as i am distance i never got to the truth but i was very confused about it. but essentially cut these people out of your life for your own mental sake.
Never Again Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 If the person wasn't fighting for our relationship & making it a priority before we broke up, chasing after me once I've left just pi$$es me off. My EX did this. I point blank told him to stop because if what he was doing was real, he should have been doing it before we broke up. It felt so artificial afterwards. For the purpose of continuing the discussion, I'd like to know: Did you say anything to him about his behavior before the breakup? Did you give him the opportunity to correct his mistakes? Did you want him to make you a priority enough to call him out on his bullsh*t? I ask because it can be so easy to let the other stressors in life take over. I was very guilty of this - I was well intentioned and wanted to get things in my personal life in order to make the relationship better, but I did all the wrong things. Had my ex aired her grieves earlier instead of silently suffering, I would've changed my tune immediately. Instead, she chose to fall out of love.
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) For the purpose of continuing the discussion, I'd like to know: Did you say anything to him about his behavior before the breakup? Did you give him the opportunity to correct his mistakes? Did you want him to make you a priority enough to call him out on his bullsh*t? I ask because it can be so easy to let the other stressors in life take over. I was very guilty of this - I was well intentioned and wanted to get things in my personal life in order to make the relationship better, but I did all the wrong things. Had my ex aired her grieves earlier instead of silently suffering, I would've changed my tune immediately. Instead, she chose to fall out of love. We'd been together for 12 years. We lived together for 10 & were living apart for about a year at the end of our relationship. We'd been talking (& fighting) about getting married. Our break up was gradual to some extent. I said I wanted out in October. He wanted to still try so we kept talking; we went through the holidays together & for the 1st time in 12 years spent Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years together. Yet he never initiated a conversation about getting married. By mid-January I couldn't take it any more. I finally came to realize that he would never marry me & in his mind I was never good enough to be his wife & the mother of his children. I said we have to really break up, no contact, no nothing. At that point here came all the flowers, the love poems, the flirty texts & he claimed to have acquired a ring & worked out how he was going to propose. He never actually asked. I assumed it was the same BS . . . one more carrot to keep me hanging on. He'd done that too me before in our relationship, given me part of something I wanted ? more commitment but not every thing just to keep me dangling. I was furious. Every sweet thing he did just made me angry at that point. If he had done even some of them before all of the necrosis took over my heart, I probably would have caved but by then it was too late. Edited November 25, 2013 by d0nnivain
Haydn Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 My relationship was totally unequal. I did all the fighting for her. Constantly fighting her jealousy and insecurites. Looking back over the worst few years of my life, i realise she did not fight once. Well maybe in the begining. It depends on what fighting for her means though. Begging and crying is not fighiting that just our own human weaknesses. But yes i would fight for a woman if i she met me at least halfway. 2
Jules78 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) So I'm a little bit over 2 months post BU. I'm doing MUCH better than I was the past few weeks. I went from down in the dumps for weeks 1-3, feeling better and somewhat over her 3-6, weeks 6-8 were all downhill and wanted to get her back, now weeks 9-10 I'm back to that acceptance phase where I know I'm better off and don't need her. I have no intention of breaking NC, although part of me still wants to breadcrumb her (dumper) to see where she's at. But, I was thinking...We all know women don't say what they mean all the time, or they say one thing and mean another. When my ex wanted a break, I accepted it, saw it as a breakup, which was the right call. But a few people said "maybe she was testing you and wanted to fight for her". I asked her this at the BU. She said "<my name>, you know I don't play games like that" (she does though...sometimes). So...I know I did the right thing from my and many others perspective. But do women really do this? Have they wanted their guy to fight for them in this sense? I'm sure it would help to know the dynamics of our relationship, but it doesn't matter, its in the past. Besides, if she did want me to, I would have been in another catch-22 situation (I realize she put me in many of these). I "fight" for her, she gets pissed at me for not giving her the space she wanted or not believing/trusting her --i lose, I don't fight for her and do what I did --i lose. I know everyone here will say, don't put up with someone like that, who plays games, but I'm just curious from a womans perspective. Have you had any times where YOU wanted your guy to do this. Thanks! Mine "fought" for me but they were just words and I knew that. All it did was push me further away. His actions have always, always erased any words he ever said. And in the end, I was right. He fought for a good few weeks but I couldn't do it. But on the other hand I wanted to. Now? After discovering he had a new girlfriend THE SAME DAY that he was still begging me, I think I made the right choice. It hurt when he cut me off so quickly for her but I am starting to realize now that I was maybe just addicted to talking to him every day. And hello? It would have just extended my hurt when he got back with me but still saw her or eventually dumped me for her. He was already involved before finishing what we had. Not awesome. I think you did the right thing. Keep up NC! Edited November 25, 2013 by Jules78 1
Author xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 For the purpose of continuing the discussion, I'd like to know: Did you say anything to him about his behavior before the breakup? Nope. She would never express her feelings, but get passive agressive, remain silent, even when I would open up and try to talk with her Did you give him the opportunity to correct his mistakes? Nope, again - read comment below. Did you want him to make you a priority enough to call him out on his bullsh*t? I wanted her to make ME a priority. I ask because it can be so easy to let the other stressors in life take over. I was very guilty of this - I was well intentioned and wanted to get things in my personal life in order to make the relationship better, but I did all the wrong things. Had my ex aired her grieves earlier instead of silently suffering, I would've changed my tune immediately. Instead, she chose to fall out of love. both parties need to be putting in EFFORT. I hear ya, but when one person (I) put in the effort and it goes unappreciated with BS lines like "I feel like you never do the little things"...it kinda is like, well, umm, I do in fact do the little things, maybe you should take a look at everything I do for you that I've never needed to do, instead of expecting it and leaving yourself disappointed. In my situation, I was putting in the effort, I was working on myself, I was never given a chance to "change"...when in fact, it was never me that needed to change. She just didn't appreciate it. She "gaslighted" me during the "break" talk...
Author xUnknown Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 My relationship was totally unequal. I did all the fighting for her. Constantly fighting her jealousy and insecurites. Looking back over the worst few years of my life, i realise she did not fight once. Well maybe in the begining. It depends on what fighting for her means though. Begging and crying is not fighiting that just our own human weaknesses. But yes i would fight for a woman if i she met me at least halfway. I think you and I have/had the same situation. I was the one putting in the effort...so when she dumped me (she brought it up, I just agreed to it), I felt like, well I've done all I can do. She can take it or leave it. Either way, she'll realize what I've done for her one day or another. 1
Haydn Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Well my friend i concur. But whether my ex ever realises how much i did and how hard i tried to the point of absurd i am not so sure. She was the most selfish person i ever met. But it took all this pain to really see. Still hurts some days but i wont put myself in a position to be made to blame myself for everything. If she came knocking she would be met with silence or a large Howitzer. (She left it here when she dropped me like piece of toast butter side up. I think you and I have/had the same situation. I was the one putting in the effort...so when she dumped me (she brought it up, I just agreed to it), I felt like, well I've done all I can do. She can take it or leave it. Either way, she'll realize what I've done for her one day or another.
tjr Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Fight for no, but respect and show careing yes. Often when i see those crazy big gestures of "undying" love in movies i think if someone accually did that how would i feel. Unless i already was attached to them it would be crazy. Id feel like wow, put on the spot and almost obligated to go with the flow despite what I truely felt. If i ever broke up with someone who i was sure loved me even on some level i would never expect them to prove it, by "fighting" for me back. Thats cruel. If i broke up cause i really felt they didnt love me then id just walk away. But honestly unless something was fundamentally wrong id have no reason to leave. No everyday isnt sugar and rainbows but the base should be there and trying to pry it out of someone else is just gross and a relection of yourself.
Recommended Posts