Never exceeding or meeting expectations in future relationships?

[Vinsanity1307]

So again im back posting and pondering on the break up. But I have been wondering and terrified of this answer, so I am curious to see what everyone thinks.

 

Is anyone worried the bar has been set so high with your most recent ex that all future relationships are bound to fail or never meet or exceed expectations. Whether it being emotional connection/chemistry or physical connection/chemistry <----(which is my case and what I am worried of). The sex had reached crazy limits. We both kept each other on our toes with constant different things to do in the bedroom (we even had a sex bucket list, of what where and when..yeah). We had the emotional connection as well but lets be real in alot of cases the sex gets boring or spark goes away which is sometimes reasons for bailing or cause of GIGS . Me and my ex would basically beg for it from each other up till the last day when she left. Again just scared I am never going to set that bar even higher cause I cant imagine it any higher. I know sex isnt everything but it is a big part of a relationship. This goes with the emotional chemistry as well. Is anyone else worried of this. Not sure how to look or handle this.

[Priv]

Yes and no. When my ex and I met it was love at first sight. Something I never experienced before and yes I am afraid I'll never experience such an intense feeling anymore. But I'm sure I fall in love again, even if it isn't 'at first sight'.

 

We also had a great emotional bond, much much better than previous relationships. But even so, she left. I assume so did your ex. Makes me wonder how great it will be with the one I'll spend the rest of my life with. Looking forward to that.

 

The sex was truly great, but for me the emotional chemistry is more important. If the relationship is great, the sex is great. The last month of the relationship the sex sucked, and even though I was blind for it, that was likely due to her checking out of the relationship.

 

Why trying to set the bar higher? I guess every relationship had a different kind of chemistry, and the next will will be better, of at least more compatible.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Priv

[Vinsanity1307]

I agree if you have that emotional bond and it makes everything that much better...See me and her had both of that which is the scary part. Even the last time we had sex walked together nude on a beach at night (very mischievous and romantic) and had sex in the ocean.. was very thrilling. Just feel the bar was so high in both those departments. It kinda frightens me.

[d0nnivain]

Your next relationship can & will be emotionally & physically fulfilling but it will be different. Your EX had certain preferences & you two developed patterns. The new person will have different preferences & you will have other routines. One set isn't better or worse than the other. It's unfair to compare them

[reddragon588]

Every relationship is different. You'll never have the same relationship with anyone else. You will reach different heights in different ways and it will be great.

[Kevin_D]

This is probably my greatest fear right now. When I was younger, I can not never seem to "get the girl". So I learned how to play the game. I pretended to be someone else, and guess what... it worked. But I still felt lonely. I realised that this girl didn't really loved me, she loved the one I was pretending to be... confident, outgoing, happy, dreaming... But as soon as I got really jealous, things went downhill quickly. She dumped me after 1,5 years.

 

I got really bitter. I began to think that I'm unable to have a happy relationship. If I am the guy I want to be (humble, honest, rational), very few women will be attracted to me. But if I play the game, they will lose interest as soon as I break character.

 

That's when I met my girlfriend... or, ex-girlfriend that is (I'm still in the denial phase). Of course, I had to play the game to make sure she wanted me. I was afraid to show the real me for several months, but I realised that everytime I showed her my weaknesses, she would grow even more fond of me.

 

I remember one morning when I had an important exam. I overslept and was really stressed. She stayed in bed and mumbled something like "Soo sleepy". This irritated me and I accidently dropped my calculator so that it stopped working. I lost it and yelled at her that it was her fault. I didn't write the exam that day, instead I went back to bed and felt sorry for myself. After a while, she had to go.

 

I was really certain that my day would become even worse. I had yelled at my girlfriend for no reason. Surely it would take some time for her to forgive me. So I started thinking of a good way to apologize. But to my surprise, she called me later that evening and asked me if I wanted to see her again. She didn't sound mad at all.

 

She came to my place, and handed over me a small gift. "I know you've been having a really bad day, so I thought that this would cheer you up".

 

At that moment, I realised that this is what real love should be like. This gift is still so special to me. Everytime I look at it, I almost start crying because it reminds me of how understanding and caring she was. I wanted to do the same thing for her. I wanted to give her love when she deserved it the least.

 

My experience is that this trait is very rare. And now when she's gone, I'm afraid that I will never feel this way again.

[Vinsanity1307]

I see that answer alot that no relationship is the same or will be. I understand that. But again expectations were set so high no matter how different a future relationship will be I just dont see it going beyond that. I even try imagining something better which I just cant do cause. That emotion and physical "click" and pattern were just so out there and high.. If that makes sense...

[ponchsox]

I already had high expectations. If anything, I've set more boundaries for myself and a future relationship. It might be more difficult to find someone, but I'm not going to settle just for the sake of being with someone. I am perfectly content being single going forward.

[reddragon588]

I see that answer alot that no relationship is the same or will be. I understand that. But again expectations were set so high no matter how different a future relationship will be I just dont see it going beyond that. I even try imagining something better which I just cant do cause. That emotion and physical "click" and pattern were just so out there and high.. If that makes sense...

 

You set your own expectations. You can adjust them accordingly. You have to want to adjust them though and there lies your problem as of now.

[Vinsanity1307]

Isnt that just really lowering my expectations..."settling " if you will? .. How can you change you want a great physical and emotional connection with a person? Who doesnt want that?

[Phoe]

This is why I don't really create expectations, and I don't gauge relationships against past experiences.

 

The only necessity is that I am happy about this person. Creating expectations and checklists and mental comparisons will only bring that down.

 

 

Every person is different and is deserving of being observed for who they are as a person without anything from the past causing interference

[Never Again]

At this rate, you'll talk yourself right out of any future relationships. Nothing you have in the future will be the same as your ex. It will be different. You're clearly blinded by chemistry, and chemistry leads us astray. It makes us blind to red flags.

 

It's clear that the sex with your ex blinded you to her faults. And great sex does not equal great love. So you need to separate the two. Great sex can be learned. A great person - you either are, or you aren't.

 

Working this in the opposite direction to further the point: Relying on chemistry means you could miss out on some great people because you don't "feel it".

 

Its presence masks red flags, and its absence creates red flags where there are none.

 

There needs to be some attraction and sense of passion, but it does not need to be boiling hot all the time - and it does not need to be consistently present.

 

There was a huuuuuuge rambling thread on the dating forum about "settling" with loads of yammering about "initial chemistry" and "sparks"...which is just code for infatuation and lust. It was filled with loads of nonsense similar to what you're saying now...that a relationship without constant massive chemistry would be "settling".

 

Chemistry is an illusion, and anyone who says differently is daft. Don't get me wrong - there needs to be some element of attraction to get a relationship going, and reigniting it here and there keeps things from getting stale, but in the end chemistry is as misleading as a blindfolded seeing eye dog. It keeps people in toxic relationships because the very fact that they are unhealthy keeps the sexual desire strong. It also makes people decide to leave really great relationships because, the very fact that they are stable, means that the chemistry tapers off - and some people simply cannot live without their chemistry.

 

I keep referencing Oracle's rules in the http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/341720-realistic-tips-surviving-end-your-relationship thread, and you really need to look at rules 2 and 3.

 

Rule 2 (Possession and desire are mutually exclusive) plays into chemistry big time. We feel most attracted to the people who seem least interested or available. This is why emotionally unavailable, noncommittal, aloof people have a weird pull to them. This is why dating advice (such as stupid internet "gurus" like "Doc Love") tell us to keep our distance - don't be too available, too emotionally available, too nice, too sweet, too predictable, etc etc etc. It's all crap to keep the other person chasing you. Why? Because if they feel like they never really have you, then the chemistry will stay sky high. Toxic relationships are big here. The constant manipulation, fighting and fear of loss keeps your anxiety up, keeps the blood pumping, and keeps people feeling "in love".

 

Alternatively, stability usually means that those "feelings" fade. Once you "get" someone, you're not quite as interested in them anymore. Well, that means you're "settling" right? NEXT!

 

Learn from your past mistakes. If you feel intense attraction to someone, it's probably a big red flag to run the other way! Mid-range attraction? Consider it cautiously and see if they're a good person before progressing.

 

Rule 3 (Expectations are the source of disappointment) is something people are trying to help you learn right now. Look at Phoe's post? Expectations are cancer to a relationship. Absolute motherf*cking cancer.

 

Expect to feel a certain way? You'll kill the relationship.

Expect your partner to just know what you need? You'll kill the relationship.

Expect attraction to always be there or always be above a certain threshold? You'll kill the relationship.

 

Being in a relationship with someone who's a great person, who makes you happy, but who you have to BUILD sexual chemistry with is NOT "settling".

[Salvatore85]

Isn't that the excitement in finding someone new though? I mean think about it Vin, the next person you find could surprise you and absolutely blow your ex out of the water. However you'll never find out if you continue acting this way.

 

Trust me dude I'm still hurting and it's been since February. I'm even more pissed off because I was forced to move out of our condo, continue to pay half the rent due to a lease agreement and had to move back in with my parents. Sure I miss her but people who truly loved us and cared wouldn't have put us through all this. Right now I'm in a place in my life where I'm just not mentally ready for a new relationship but I wouldn't completely shoot it down if the opportunity arose.

 

I'll tell you what I tell myself when I start to get upset and reminisce....Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop sitting on your hands waiting for things to get better, stop allowing her to win everyday and move on with your life. Life is so beautiful and you have one chance at it, that's all. You cannot spend the rest of your life wondering why someone left, instead you need to get rolling and find someone who won't leave when times get rough.

[mtnbiker3000]

Based on your title only, what I can tell you is simply this...

 

Pretty soon, you won't see this most recent RS as you do now (at least at the end). You will see it was not all that. You will see how bad it actually was . You will see she was not right for you. Period. That should answer your question...

[Vinsanity1307]

Thanks for your responses. I hope your right.... Your responses made me feel a tad better. Still trying to change my route of thoughts and thinking. Still have the nostalgia. So this all worries me. Thanks for the repost article about what the oracle posted. But I was just so comfortable and excited how things were ..hard to let go

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I don't agree with people who say you are going to look back and see how bad every person was for you. Especially if you know you are the cause of the BU.

 

I was spoiled by one girl. She was really into doing things to make me happy. At the same time she was sexy and confident about it in a way that I haven't known again.

 

There was a mental/emotional/physical connection on a level that I think was a privilege to have experienced. I tried to get that feeling back with the new women in my life (not really meaning to, but now I know how much I missed it).

 

With this in mind, the only way I can see getting past this feeling is by accepting that I once had the best of the best and it's OK if I don't have that now. Sometimes it's OK to settle for "Pretty Damn Good."

 

The goal is to appreciate what you had for what it was and still appreciate what you have, or will have. You shouldn't compare, but you can know deep down you were spoiled by one more than another. Acceptance is the only way I can see this issue not becoming a disruption.

[Never Again]

I'm a little in love with you right now.

 

Fair warning, I have the tendency to disappoint despite my best intentions.

[reddragon588]

Isnt that just really lowering my expectations..."settling " if you will? .. How can you change you want a great physical and emotional connection with a person? Who doesnt want that?

 

Adjusting your expectations only means lowering them if that's what you want. Raising your expectations is also adjusting them.

[BC1980]

I certainly hope there is someone out there who is better than my ex. As I look back, he set the bar pretty low.

 

Seriously though, your view changes in time. Mind certainly has.

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't agree with people who say you are going to look back and see how bad every person was for you. .

 

 

Well, I believe that after being dumped, it is common to look back and see yourself as the root of everything bad that happened. To see your ex through rose colored glasses and way high up on a platinum pedestal. And, once you dispel with this rubbish, life will get significantly clearer and less painful.

[Still-I-Rise]

You will meet someone else who will blow your mind and you will return the favor.

 

New isn't supposed to be the same.

[Vinsanity1307]

I hope you are right. Cause those rose colored glasses seemed to be glued on for some reason, and she is glued on that"platinum pedestal" .After 4 months! How long does it take for that to break? Seeing this is still the case im guessing thats why I feel I will never exceed expectations hence the thread...

[Still-I-Rise]

"Don't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well." Epictetus

 

The rose color will fade away in its due time. Don't rush it.

 

When you are in the midst of something it can feel unique and urgent, like no one else could possibly understand what you are experiencing.

 

You might even wonder how onlookers can speak with such certainty.

 

However, they can because they've been where you are. And when you come out of there and witness others going through something quite similar your vision will be as keen and swift as those who advised you and you will know with certainty people move on...find different...better.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Well, I believe that after being dumped, it is common to look back and see yourself as the root of everything bad that happened. To see your ex through rose colored glasses and way high up on a platinum pedestal. And, once you dispel with this rubbish, life will get significantly clearer and less painful.

 

I can definitely look back to 20 years ago and judge which relationships were better, which people were more compatible with me, which ones seemed to be a "10" on things I want in a partner.

 

For 18 years I didn't even think about it. I can appreciate something good I had. No need to go convincing myself that someone isn't as good as they are.

 

But that was a rare thing for me. Most of my relationships I can look back on and see them for what they are, bad ideas. There is one, I can look at and know that there was a quality there that didn't exist in any other relationship I've had.

 

What would be a problem is if I was upset that I don't have that now. If I let myself be miserable because I'm not spoiled the way one really unique individual spoiled me. If I couldn't appreciate what I have now, then it would be a problem.

 

So I suggest accepting that you had something really amazing and not try to suppress the way you really view it. Accepting everything I can is my goal in life at this time. No delusions. Everything is what it is. Accept it or always question what it means and keep letting it affect your life.

[mtnbiker3000]

So I suggest accepting that you had something really amazing and not try to suppress the way you really view it. Accepting everything I can is my goal in life at this time. No delusions. Everything is what it is. Accept it or always question what it means and keep letting it affect your life.

 

I completely agree!! But this mindset usually occurs long after the rawness of a fresh BU. I believe the OP is still less than 6 months out of a 5+ year RS. He cannot see or understand what you describe.