frogss29 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 First post on this forum but have been reading and trying to gain insight. My story : Married almost 36 years to a man I THOUGHT was honest, honourable and loved me. Of course our marriage wasn't perfect but whose is? We do a lot together, have fun and are generally happy. We have four adult children. About 15 years ago, we went away with three other families. All good friends. It was a long night and all but my husband and my best friend went to bed. My daughter (12 years old at the time) and her daughter (8 years old) came out of their room and caught my husband and my friend kissing. Tried to deal with that and help my daughter deal with that over what seemed to be the next few years. Ended the friendship with my friend. Obviously, we didn't deal with it very well because I found out on November 5 this year they have been 'seeing' each other all this time. I feel like the biggest fool. We are starting marriage counselling this Wednesday. He is being loving, sorry, answering every and all questions. He is wanting to work at our marriage. But this has been going on 15 years!!!!! Not continuously, but ongoing. My one main question is do I tell her husband??? And if I should, how?????
ChooseTruth Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Ugh, I really hate to hear stories like this. So much pain. I think people have a right to know if their spouse is doing something risky like having an affair. If you tell, I would make sure to have undeniable proof because betrayed spouses can often be in denial and think you are just nuts. What I did was make a packet and drop it off with the other betrayed spouse while her husband was at work. I told her that her husband had done something very hurtful and I thought she had a right to know. In the packet was all the info I had. I put a cover sheet that told her the basics, and said the details were inside if she wanted to know all. It might be a little different if you know the other betrayed spouse...for me she was a complete stranger. After I dropped the packet off, I stayed in the car for 10 minutes in case she wanted to talk. Be warned that if you do it in person, people can react badly at first. I avoided this with the packet thing. The OMW confirmed when I talked to her months later that she had been mad at me at first, but came around to understanding better. She said she went through every emotion and thought possible. Meeting in public could be a way of controlling things a bit if you want to do face to face. Or you could do a phone call, but proof might be harder.
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Affairs are like fungus, it grows best in the dark recesses of the world. When it is exposed to the light of day, it quickly dies. You need to expose this to your family, his family, her husband and to the other members of the group. Everybody needs to be accountable for their actions. Pay less attention to your husbands words than to his actions, he has proved that he has problems telling the truth. I have concern for your daughter, who is at a very vulnerable age for being exposed to this situation. I hope that he has some idea of the damage he has caused to his daughter to satisfy his own selfish desires. He needs to be an open book, passwords to all devices and media. Don't sweep this under the rug and be honest with your daughter. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Of course you tell him. Don't you wish someone who knew had told you, 5, 10, 15 years ago? 10
aliveagain Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Yes, tell her husband, withholding the information from him makes you their accomplice in the deception. 15 years is a whole other life, your husband is so far from honest and honorable, how will you believe him that this won't happen again? It takes a lot of deception and planning to carry off a 15 year affair. Are you up for the work it takes to get through this, is he? 1
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss of innocence in a marriage and your loss of trust. You are in a grieving process and yes, the other man needs to know. I would urge your husband to tell the OW she needs to tell her husband and end the lies she has weaved. I know that I feel like I have lived a lie for three years. I can not imagine the horror you are experiencing after a15 year charade. I'll be thinking of you and praying. (And I wish I could kick your husband right in the crotch for you!) 3
firststeps Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 This is heartbreaking and you are going through hell. The amount of deception and lies to cover up 15 years of an off and on affair. Please make sure you get your own counseling. Despite the fact that the OM needs to know, l wonder if he is just saying all the right things because he got caught and doesn't want to deal with the consequences. lts all well in good that he wants to go to MC but back when he first got caught and tore a hole into your family and created trauma for your daughter, he still went back to his old ways. Doesn't hurt to also seek advice from a lawyer incase its just lip service on his part. So sorry to hear your going through this. 1
painfullyobvious Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 A lot of vague details. What is his definition of seeing your friend. Was this physical beyond the kissing. If they were brave enough to kiss near other people where they could get caught this affair is pretty deep I'm guessing. You have two levels of grief here the loss of a close friend and loss of trust from infidelity. Start the no contact with friend both you and your husband. Get in counseling together with husband and monitor your daughter. You will need assistance in learning how to regain trust with a person who was able to lie to you for fifteen years and not show the slightest remorse or guilt. That is scary. Affairs and details are usually kept between spouses if there is maturity between adults. The fact that your daughter witnessed this is sure to be mental imagery she will not forget soon. Her male role model in relationships was witnessed betraying her and those close to her. She will worry about this situation more than a child should and she is going to resent her father for a long time.
Author frogss29 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 I have sought legal advice....did that the first week I found out about the affair while my husband was overseas. I still don't understand how this happened -my husband is very naive. They saw each other every few months or so. Sometimes 6 - 8 months. Who DOES that??? Sex appears to not have been that frequent. But it happened. And just the knowledge he had such a long standing relationship with anyone tears me apart. My daughter is definitely suffering. She is about to see a psychologist. She seems torn between being hurt, trying to understand, be supportive and thinking I am weak for staying with him. I feel exactly the same way!!!!!! Still battling with the dilemma of telling the husband. Although their children, too, are adults, they have sick 'children'. I hate the idea of how this is going to affect them. I know how MY 'kids' have reacted and hate the idea of so much pain being put on another family......BUT......I want her to suffer.
experiencethedevine Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I have sought legal advice....did that the first week I found out about the affair while my husband was overseas. I still don't understand how this happened -my husband is very naive. They saw each other every few months or so. Sometimes 6 - 8 months. Who DOES that??? Sex appears to not have been that frequent. But it happened. And just the knowledge he had such a long standing relationship with anyone tears me apart. My daughter is definitely suffering. She is about to see a psychologist. She seems torn between being hurt, trying to understand, be supportive and thinking I am weak for staying with him. I feel exactly the same way!!!!!! Still battling with the dilemma of telling the husband. Although their children, too, are adults, they have sick 'children'. I hate the idea of how this is going to affect them. I know how MY 'kids' have reacted and hate the idea of so much pain being put on another family......BUT......I want her to suffer. Oh frogs I am genuinely sad for you. What a terrible thing to discover in such a long and dedicated marriage. By dedicated I mean your belief in the marriage you thought you had was completely secure. As you say, long marriages inevitably flow like a tide, sometimes waves are big and others gentle and small. That is the nature of what we believe is a safe vessel on an undulating sea. This will probably be the most traumatic event you have/will ever experience. Take the time to consider it in its entirety, for decisions will be very difficult to make at the moment. Concentrate on your children and allow them to offer you comfort. Our adult children do this in the most extraordinarily sensitive way, even when they are not aware of the entire circumstances under which you come to them broken, as will other members of your family and close friends. Rely on this network to buoy you up while you tread water in the aftermath. I am so sorry your daughter had to be witness to her Father's treachery. This is exactly why affairs cause such extensive damage to a family. Children do not forget, and your daughter, as you say, now has the burden of it also, and is in emotional conflict. Let her express her feelings openly, whatever they may be, and simply listen to her for the moment. Feelings for all of you will change like the tide in the short term. My Mother (God rest her) gave me some advice as I married that I use as a personal safety net. She said, "Darling, if you don't know what to do right now, then do nothing until you do know". It works for me to take the time out and allow the answer to come to me. My sincerest empathy and thoughts to you all. Have courage my dear, that whatever happens, you WILL survive. 2
harrybrown Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 My wife and I have been married between 35 and 40 years. I wish someone had told me earlier. Please please tell her husband! 1
BetrayedH Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 The other woman's husband doesn't deserve to continue living a lie. Whether or not he tells his children is entirely up to him. Why are you taking away his right to make an informed decision? 3
peaksandvalleys Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 First post on this forum but have been reading and trying to gain insight. My story : Married almost 36 years to a man I THOUGHT was honest, honourable and loved me. Of course our marriage wasn't perfect but whose is? We do a lot together, have fun and are generally happy. We have four adult children. About 15 years ago, we went away with three other families. All good friends. It was a long night and all but my husband and my best friend went to bed. My daughter (12 years old at the time) and her daughter (8 years old) came out of their room and caught my husband and my friend kissing. Tried to deal with that and help my daughter deal with that over what seemed to be the next few years. Ended the friendship with my friend. Obviously, we didn't deal with it very well because I found out on November 5 this year they have been 'seeing' each other all this time. I feel like the biggest fool. We are starting marriage counselling this Wednesday. He is being loving, sorry, answering every and all questions. He is wanting to work at our marriage. But this has been going on 15 years!!!!! Not continuously, but ongoing. My one main question is do I tell her husband??? And if I should, how????? I feel you. I have been living a lie as well. Years worth of lies. I think you should tell the other spouse. It seems they should be allowed to make the decisions for their life just like everyone else in the equation. I could never look at him and trust anything that comes out of his mouth so I am divorcing him. Sorry you are in a similar circumstance. This just makes me so sad for all of us. 1
whiterabbit46 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Dear Froggs, I don't think you're being weak at all. I personally feel that a WS must be very brave and committed if they choose to stay in a relationship like this. Bless you. I hope the two of you can work your way through this, and I pray for the mental health of your daughter. Be strong! 1
Author frogss29 Posted December 13, 2013 Author Posted December 13, 2013 Well, I finally found the courage to contact the OW's husband via text message. He didn't reply/contact me about it but did reach out to a mutual friend yesterday full of anger and rage against me and my husband. He has threatened to hurt us if his kids are told. So now this issue is bigger and uglier than before!
Clay Posted December 13, 2013 Posted December 13, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. I do agree with others I wished someone would have told me sooner too. You did the right thing to tell the OW's H. He is probably really hurt right now so that is why he is saying those things. I am not sure your marriage can be salvaged. 15 years of cheating is just to much. My heart goes out to your and your daughter. Clay
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