Dumped by GF after 5 years

[Kevin_D]

Prepare for a long read...

 

About 2-3 weeks ago, my girlfriend (25) dumped me (29) after 5 years. I'm a cynic who always expects the worst, but I really didn't see this coming. At first I didn't think that she really meant it. But she told me that she had become depressed during the day, and went over her friend for consolation. She wasn't sure how she felt about me, and her friend gave her the advice to "end it immideately" because it wouldn't be "fair to me to stay in the relationship".

 

I asked her if she really was ready to throw away everything we've built together, and she replied "no, of course not".

 

A couple of days later, we took a walk. She told me that she still was confused, but we kissed and she texted me on the way home.

 

The next days we chatted about regular stuff such as music and movies, and I could tell that she had a great time because she kept writing to me even though she stated that she had to go to bed several times.

 

We decided that we should go see a movie and had a lot of fun. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to drink a couple of beers with her. At this point, I still thought that everything would go back to normal, so I accepted. Again, we had a great time. I felt really confident and was happy that things went a long so well. But after a few beers we started talking about us, and I realised that there was something wrong. She told me that she can't imagine a life without me. She said that she loves me, that I am her best friend and that she's really attracted to me. But yet something felt "wrong", something which she couldn't define.

 

I've done my homework, so I told her that I respect her decision, but that I couldn't see us hanging out just as friends. That's when I was lured into the trap...

 

She told me that this was proof that her gut feeling was right. If I was willing to let go of her that easy, it was obvious that we weren't meant for each other. But she also felt a lot of pressure when I told her how much she means to me. So I had no idea what to do at this point. I decided that my best bet would be to go home (we don't live together). That's when she, out of the blue, asked me to come with her. I declined and told her that we both have a lot of things to think about. I thought it would be a good move, but again she insisted that this was proof that there was something wrong with our relationship.

 

I didn't know what to think at this moment. We obviously had a lot of fun together. I could tell that she had put a lot of effort on her make-up. She asked me to come with her. But yet she repeatedly stated that something is "wrong".

 

We talked on the phone next the to sort things out. At first she sounded very angry, but after a while she opened up and told me about things that worries her. I told her I respected her point of view and she sounded relieved. We decided that we should give each other space for a while and see how it felt. After we hung up, she texted me several times even though we decided that we shouldn't.

 

The following days, she called me several times. I told her that I was okay, that I'm spending more times on my projects now and that they are coming along quite nicely. I tried to keep the conversations short and hang out with friends so I had a good reason why I couldn't talk.

 

Everything felt quite good. I was most certain that she missed me. But suddenly, she called me and sounded really pissed. I had no idea why, but I tried to keep it short. Next day, same thing. And a few days lates, she called and told me that we "can't go on like this".

 

I was stunned. What the heck did she mean? I rarely contacted her and I surely didn't whine about my feelings. She had called me, and I had answered politely. That was about it. I said to her "I thought that we should give each other space, so why do you keep calling me?". She answered something like this:

 

"It's only been a few days, but I already feel how much happier I am without you."

 

She was really aggressive. I told her that I respected her, but that it was a pity that she hadn't brought up the issues earlier. She told me that she didn't want to speak to me anymore and hung up. After that, she removed me from Facebook/Skype/games. Then she added a final song on our Spotify list called "Goodbye". Very mature.

 

I was shocked. I am still shocked. I realise that I did mistakes here. I should have initiated NC from the beginning. But she is really my best friend as well.

 

Up to this point, I guess everything sounds pretty straightforward. Girl gets bored in the relationship and makes up stupid little reasons, instead of just saying "I want to get something better".

 

But the strange thing is that right before the breakup, things felt really good. She was probably more jealous than me, she would call me when she was scared of the dark, she always asked me for advice about everything... After alll these years, she would still send me cute pictures or messages every day, telling me how much she loves me.

 

She doesn't have that many friends, she has no money and no work so she still lives with her father and she is falling behind with her studies. And it's quite unlikely that she has met someone else, because like I said, she called me all the time. She wouldn't go anywhere without informing me. If she was invited to a party, her first question was always if she could bring me as well. We talked a lot about the future, and she always talked about that she was hoping to move in together soon.

 

The last time she visited me, she left things behind and even borrowed some of my things. Is this normal if you're about to break up with someone? I don't get it.

 

Some things to consider:

 

- She always seemed to care about the relationship. Called me all the time, bought me little gifts, talked about a future together.

 

- She is not the wild/independent type. She doesn't want to explore the world, go on party cruises, fool around. She's quite lazy. She hates being away from home and won't even stay the night at her best friend's place.

 

I've been dumped before, but that girl wanted to travel, go on parties with her friends and talk to other guys. In this case, I often felt that she needed me more than I needed her. She's the emotional type that saves every little note I write her... She cared so much about almost every stupid thing. I can't explain how she could change so drastically in only a few days...

 

Isn't it strange? One day you're together and the girl will cry if you do something romantic for her. The next day, it might be over and she will get angry instead. And you have no clue what happened.

 

It might be worth to note that her mother suffers from bipolar disorder, which can be hereditary.

 

Any idea what's going on here?

 

I know the general advice is to stick with NC and it's working better than expected. I was so shocked by her behavior that I just feel disappointed, rather than angry or sad. It feels like she handles this like a teenager. So I don't feel the urge to contact her at the moment. I focus on myself by looking for new jobs, working out, recording music and hang out with my friends.

 

I'm well aware that I must accept that that's over and that she's out of my life. But I'm still curious. Do you think she will contact me if I don't break NC? And in that case would it be worth repairing? Is this a "grass is greener" case?

[Confusedguy81]

WTF? Call you because she was afraid of the dark? Sounds like she has major emotional issues. My ex was like that. She cried a couple of times and called me repeatedly because she thought something was wrong with us. She also had a major past, such as slitting her own wrist, watching her mom's bf kill her pet, etc. I always tried to get her to open up about things but she was really closed and she eventually dumped me for whatever reason. I think your ex and my ex have major insecurity issues which carry over and affect the relationship, leaving them to dump you as a protection mechanism (not wanting to get close, afraid of getting hurt, etc.). My ex also did weird passive aggressive **** and acted like she didnt want me around at times. Alot of mixed messages.

 

Anyways, your ex sounds like a mess. I can relate.

[Outsider77]

All I can say is that it sounds like she is having emotional problems and it's caused her to doubt your relationship. It just seems like she is emotionally unstable and maybe doesn't even know what she wants right now. She did mention that she was depressed. Is there anything that has recently changed in her life?

[Kevin_D]

Her childhood was rather chaotic. She lived with her mother who was bipolar and could suddenly stop talking friends and relatives. She could be caring at loving at times, but also get furious for no obvious reasons. She's also been institutionalized - and blamed her daugther for it. She took her own life couple of years ago...

 

Of course, as soon as I heard these stories I wondered if it really was a good idea to start a relationship. But she seemed so honest about her feelings. She always told me how much it means for her to have a steady boyfriend because of her childhood.

 

I was there for her when her mother passed away, and helped her through those hard times. She didn't seek any professional help though, which might have been a mistake.

 

More recently, I think she's been feeling trapped. She has no money and lives with her father. And she's falling behind at the University. She's hates this situation.

 

I think one of the problems is that I currently live with my parents. I have Master in Engineering, but there are very few jobs available in my city right now. And she wouldn't have appreciated if I moved to another city.

 

So she's probably panicking over her situation. And her first move was obviously to let go off me.

[Confusedguy81]

Her childhood was rather chaotic. She lived with her mother who was bipolar and could suddenly stop talking friends and relatives. She could be caring at loving at times, but also get furious for no obvious reasons. She's also been institutionalized - and blamed her daugther for it. She took her own life couple of years ago...

 

Of course, as soon as I heard these stories I wondered if it really was a good idea to start a relationship. But she seemed so honest about her feelings. She always told me how much it means for her to have a steady boyfriend because of her childhood.

 

I was there for her when her mother passed away, and helped her through those hard times. She didn't seek any professional help though, which might have been a mistake.

 

More recently, I think she's been feeling trapped. She has no money and lives with her father. And she's falling behind at the University. She's hates this situation.

 

I think one of the problems is that I currently live with my parents. I have Master in Engineering, but there are very few jobs available in my city right now. And she wouldn't have appreciated if I moved to another city.

 

So she's probably panicking over her situation. And her first move was obviously to let go off me.

 

Bipolar can be hereditary so your ex may have it. It can also really interfere with your life. I'm bipolar and without help, it makes life really rough. I also fell behind and pushed people away (still have that issue). My ex was kind of the same way and she really should not have been in a relationship with me. She was in therapy but was anti medication which caused friction since I was on medication throughout our relationship.

 

I honestly don't think it has to do with your living situation and job situation. I think she just has a considerable amount of issues to work on. I would just break away and see what happens. Hopefully, she gets help. Whether she does or doesn't, ultimately isn't your concern. I would keep no contact and work on yourself.

[Outsider77]

She may be having some sort of emotional breakdown from the stress. It might not even really have anything to do with you, although you are being affected by it. If she is in reality an emotionally unstable person, you may be better of without her. You may care for her but it can be hard to deal with.

 

It also sounds like she was using you to have some stability in her life. She turned to you for everything, called you all the time, always wanted you go places with her. You were her emotional support. This doesn't sound like a person who is really together.

[Kevin_D]

I honestly don't think it has to do with your living situation and job situation. I think she just has a considerable amount of issues to work on. I would just break away and see what happens. Hopefully, she gets help. Whether she does or doesn't, ultimately isn't your concern. I would keep no contact and work on yourself.

 

Thanks... Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now.

 

She may be having some sort of emotional breakdown from the stress. It might not even really have anything to do with you, although you are being affected by it. If she is in reality an emotionally unstable person, you may be better of without her. You may care for her but it can be hard to deal with.

 

It also sounds like she was using you to have some stability in her life. She turned to you for everything, called you all the time, always wanted you go places with her. You were her emotional support. This doesn't sound like a person who is really together.

 

Most people really like her. She has a lot of friends and usually gets a lot of attention from guys. She has no problem going to parties together with her friends. It just felt as she was really proud of me. And it felt good when she was worried about me, because it made me feel really loved.

 

These things make me confused. She often stated that her worst nightmare is that something should happen to me. If she needs emotional support, why the heck does she break up with me? It makes no sense. Not all men are willing to give this support. She would likely drive many of them away after awhile.

[Outsider77]

She's just flaky right now, so I would expect nothing she does to make sense until she gets over whatever it is. If she gets over it.

 

Just keep doing your own thing.

[Kevin_D]

She's just flaky right now, so I would expect nothing she does to make sense until she gets over whatever it is. If she gets over it.

 

Just keep doing your own thing.

 

Yeah, that's the only thing I can do. It's still sad though. Most of the times, she was the most caring person I've ever met.

 

I'm bipolar and without help, it makes life really rough. I also fell behind and pushed people away (still have that issue).

 

This is very interesting. Do you push people away during depressions or during (hypo)manic episodes? Could this explain her strange behavior?

[Confusedguy81]

"This is very interesting. Do you push people away during depressions or during (hypo)manic episodes? Could this explain her strange behavior?"

 

I pushed away during depressive episodes, which are often. During manic episodes, I could be playful and fun to be around because of the excess energy. Depending on the severity (and the number of manic depressive episodes), I could feel good about things in one moment and horrible about it moments later; so horrible that I would isolate and push people away for no reason. The swings between the two can be extremely draining, which may explain why she is behind in university. I was in and out of college in my 20s until I finally finished at 31.

 

In essence, bipolar (especially bipolar 1) can destroy a person's self-worth and then their life. If this is the case, no words you say will fix things (atleast long term). Thats ultimately on her. It took me having to get on antipsychotics plus therapy to feel any sense of stability or self worth.

[Kevin_D]

"This is very interesting. Do you push people away during depressions or during (hypo)manic episodes? Could this explain her strange behavior?"

 

I pushed away during depressive episodes, which are often. During manic episodes, I could be playful and fun to be around because of the excess energy. Depending on the severity (and the number of manic depressive episodes), I could feel good about things in one moment and horrible about it moments later; so horrible that I would isolate and push people away for no reason. The swings between the two can be extremely draining, which may explain why she is behind in university. I was in and out of college in my 20s until I finally finished at 31.

 

In essence, bipolar (especially bipolar 1) can destroy a person's self-worth and then their life. If this is the case, no words you say will fix things (atleast long term). Thats ultimately on her. It took me having to get on antipsychotics plus therapy to feel any sense of stability or self worth.

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it really means a lot to me. If she is bipolar, there's really nothing I can do to fix it. And if she isn't, then she seemed like a rather cold-hearted person which I don't want to be with. So in any case, I have to focus on myself. Only the future will tell what happens.

[Kevin_D]

Alright, so I did a big mistake and checked her Facebook (we're not friends anymore, but I guess I should block her). Anyway, we still have a lot of mutual friends, even though I removed all of her friends. And I get this feeling that she's messing with me...

 

- She chats openly about her weekend with her sister on her wall, with no privacy settings, even though she usually use the chat for discussions like this.

 

- She suddenly "likes" pictures uploaded by my friends

 

- She keeps writing to guy that she knows I'm jealous of. When I've asked her about him, she claims that it's just an old classmate and that they don't know each other that well... But she hinted on his wall that she had texted him.

 

The last thing might even be a joke. But it doesn't really matter. Why does she write stuff like that so I can read it? I mean, she removed me. And she was the one who initiated NC. I don't get it. It makes no sense at all.

 

I've read about simular things in other thread. What's the point of this? Does she want to hurt me even more? If I dumped someone I love and care for, I wouldn't post anything that could potentially hurt that person even more. And yes I know, this is why it's so important to cut off all communication, but can some explain what goes on in her mind?

 

She initiated NC. I haven't contacted her in any way since then. Is this some kind of a test, to see if I'm still checking her profile? Does she want me to call her so that she can be certain that she still got the power?

 

Why do these BU's turn nice people into monsters? I want to get the mentality here. Why do they often try to mess up our lives more then necessary?

 

- Why did she say that she couldn't imagine a future without me a week before she broke up?

 

- Why did she insist that we should stay friends, just to a few days later initiate NC herself?

 

- Why does she keep writing openly to guys that she know's I've been jealous of?

 

The thing is, I haven't called her crying in the middle of the night and stuff like that. Why is she being so mean? What does she gain?

 

And I know I'm not alone here. Can someone explain this? I realise that they want to feel powerful yada yada yada, but I can't see why they want to hurt someone who they care so much about deep inside.

[nevergoodenough]

Alright, so I did a big mistake and checked her Facebook (we're not friends anymore, but I guess I should block her). Anyway, we still have a lot of mutual friends, even though I removed all of her friends. And I get this feeling that she's messing with me...

 

- She chats openly about her weekend with her sister on her wall, with no privacy settings, even though she usually use the chat for discussions like this.

 

- She suddenly "likes" pictures uploaded by my friends

 

- She keeps writing to guy that she knows I'm jealous of. When I've asked her about him, she claims that it's just an old classmate and that they don't know each other that well... But she hinted on his wall that she had texted him.

 

The last thing might even be a joke. But it doesn't really matter. Why does she write stuff like that so I can read it? I mean, she removed me. And she was the one who initiated NC. I don't get it. It makes no sense at all.

 

I've read about simular things in other thread. What's the point of this? Does she want to hurt me even more? If I dumped someone I love and care for, I wouldn't post anything that could potentially hurt that person even more. And yes I know, this is why it's so important to cut off all communication, but can some explain what goes on in her mind?

 

She initiated NC. I haven't contacted her in any way since then. Is this some kind of a test, to see if I'm still checking her profile? Does she want me to call her so that she can be certain that she still got the power?

 

Why do these BU's turn nice people into monsters? I want to get the mentality here. Why do they often try to mess up our lives more then necessary?

 

- Why did she say that she couldn't imagine a future without me a week before she broke up?

 

- Why did she insist that we should stay friends, just to a few days later initiate NC herself?

 

- Why does she keep writing openly to guys that she know's I've been jealous of?

 

The thing is, I haven't called her crying in the middle of the night and stuff like that. Why is she being so mean? What does she gain?

 

And I know I'm not alone here. Can someone explain this? I realise that they want to feel powerful yada yada yada, but I can't see why they want to hurt someone who they care so much about deep inside.

 

She probably said the future thing when she meant it, it's funny what seven days can change. Whatever happened, she got to the point where it wasn't what she wanted anymore. If you don't know what you did, you can turn it on her and say it's a mystery and that she isn't being up front with you. My guess is, you probably left some information out. You appear to be very insecure also, otherwise you would believe that she could have male friends. If you don't trust her, you shouldn't be with her. Maybe she just doesn't want to be with you because you accuse her of liking her guy friends. I highly doubt she is doing any of that FB stuff to hurt you. Stop looking at it and generating a million questions. Leave her alone and figure out if this is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life or not.

[Kevin_D]

You appear to be very insecure also, otherwise you would believe that she could have male friends.

 

She has several male friends, I have no problem with that. However, I don't like when old "friends" suddenly pop up from out of nowhere after five years. She had never, ever, mentioned this guy before and they weren't even friends on FB. Then she bumps into him, adds him on FB, and now they seem to talk every day.

 

Remember, this is the same girl who freaked out when I mentioned that Sharon Tate was a beautiful woman...

 

As a side note, I can't believe that so many adults seem to be so immature. I mean, after five years, there likely be ups and downs, and you'll have to work to keep the spark. But what's most important is the friendship. I can't buy this "She may have loved you a week ago but had a change of heart". If we had a big fight, I was cheating or abusive, I would get it. But SHE wanted to plan stuff together with me just the days before the BU.

 

And she couldn't even give me a reason. She was contradicting herself. One minute she said that she has been thinking about this for six month. The next minute she said that the last months have been really great, but that she got anxious the day before, and that her friend had given her the advice to break up. And a few minutes later, suddenly the entire relationship was flawed, because I had told her on our third date(!) that I would worry a lot if my girlfriend worked as bartender in a nightclub.

 

I think this is typical GRIS, maybe combined with som bipolar disorder. But it's still shocking how my warm-hearted GF could turn into monster so quickly. And it's funny that you think that I leave stuff out, because that's what my friends all say:

 

"No one will believe that story. You seemed so perfect for each other. You seemed to love each other so much. Something must have happened".

 

But no, nothing happened. She wanted to see me all the time. She wanted to talk to me about everything. She would also whine a lot about other people in her life, so that I would comfort her. And then... BANG.

[Kevin_D]

One week with NC now. Still haven't heard from her. I realise that I'm still in denial.

 

When someone has been loving and caring for five years, it's hard to accept she suddenly transformed into a cold hearted monster.

 

I've read tons of article on the web about the warning signs, but nothing seems to fit. We talked all the time. We talked about everything. We joked about everything. We loved to cuddle. We had the same interests. It's been this way for five years. Sure, there have been ups and downs. But we've never grown tired of each other. Why did she suddenly change her mind? I want to understand.

 

Strangely enough, I don't feel the urge to break NC. It was such an unpleasant experience to talk with her last time (like going to the dentist or something like that). But yet I'm in denial. I have a hard time accepting that people can change so drastically over a couple of weeks. I realise that I'm waiting for the "I'm so sorry, how could I ever consider leaving you" call. But she won't call. I know it.

 

Anyway, I try to focus on things I control. Applying for new jobs, recording music, exercising and so on.

[fixing]

Its hard m8. I know. I just want you to continue the no contact and stop trying to find answers as to the why's? How? What's happened?

It will drive you insane. She has made the decision to end this with you. Its not your fault.

Only time will really tell. But dont go near her facebook pages etc. I personally believe she is doing those unusual things semi deliberately to get a reaction out of you.

5 years is a hell of a long time. So, i suspect you will hear from her in due course, but dont take the bait, and reach out to her.

Ball is in her court. Stop analyzing everything. You will drive yourself mad.

Keep posting here as its good for you to release your feelings.

[notthathard]

But yet I'm in denial. I have a hard time accepting that people can change so drastically over a couple of weeks.

 

Maybe shes been thinking it for a while and just hid the feelings away when you were around.

 

My ex from sometime ago was similar, showed no signs of breakup. Sure the relationship was not "movie" perfect.. not sure if any are, but we got along perfectly.

One week she was asking to go away on holidays together to Thailand, the next week the breakup happened.

Never saw it coming.

[Kevin_D]

So, i suspect you will hear from her in due course, but dont take the bait, and reach out to her.

Ball is in her court. Stop analyzing everything. You will drive yourself mad.

Keep posting here as its good for you to release your feelings.

 

Yeah, you're right. And I'm doing alright. I don't feel the urge to contact her. The main problem is that I always wake up after 1-2 hours sleep, so I'm too tired to exercise. But I have many new activities planned for the upcoming weeks. Hopefully I'll get back on track.

 

Maybe shes been thinking it for a while and just hid the feelings away when you were around.

 

My ex from sometime ago was similar, showed no signs of breakup. Sure the relationship was not "movie" perfect.. not sure if any are, but we got along perfectly.

One week she was asking to go away on holidays together to Thailand, the next week the breakup happened.

Never saw it coming.

 

Of course she told me that she's been thinking a bout it for a long time. But it doesn't make sense. You don't plan trips to Thailand with someone you don't want to be with. Sounds like GRIS.

 

I've come to the conclusion that this is what happened to my ex as well. She really enjoys being with me, but at the same time she feels that she's missing something. She can't let go off someone she likes, so she must find reasons to hate me. Very, very sad.