JinVA Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I have been in a serious relationship for quite some time, and has been a mutually professed loving and committed / exclusive relationship by both of us the entire time. We have even discussed moving in together several months ago and even have had conversations about marriage as well. Recently I have felt some changes and have even discussed them with my mate, but they tell me I am making stuff out of nothing. I am trying to find out if some of what I am "expecting" is reasonable or just ridiculous. Since we don't live together and I have my kids from my prior marriage we have half our time apart, but when we started dating we always gave a basic heads up (text or call) when we were going out after work with friends or make other plans the like; it's not asking permission or anything, just a basic courtesy notification. Starting a couple months ago they started going out after work without saying anything at all, not even a simple text advising they were going out for a few hours. When they go out they never answer the phone if I happen to call, which my calling is not often, but has been the way I usually find out that they went out at all recently. It will not be until hours later that they will return the message I left and then they tell me they were out for drinks with a friend. I ask again that they just give a simple heads up before going out, but recently that seems to not be occurring more and more, at best they will tell me just before going out pretty much only if I happen to text or call asking about their plans for the evening, and there have even been a couple times that it finally came up days later that they had gone out and never told me at all. I am trying to get a sanity check and find out if the behavior is odd, suspicious, or just plain rude. I also want to figure out if a basic common courtesy notification of letting each other (your partner) know in advance if we plan to have a night out with friends is too much to expect. The previous understanding was that pretty much as soon as possible after making plans we let the other know. My concern is that it was working fine previously, but now the very best they will only say anything if directly asked if they have plans to go out, and seem to refuse to make any effort despite it being brought up again. Instead it is flipped back on me as if I am just being too controlling or paranoid when I say they are essentially MIA. Again, is it reasonable to expect a general common courtesy heads-up or is that in any way controlling at all or expecting too much? Real advice and honest feedback would be greatly appreciated!
mammasita Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I'm with you. If it was working before and that was normal for you than any change from that would cause question. Even more concerning because you're being made to look as though you're being controlling for wondering why the sudden change. From where I'm sitting, I think you have every right to question the change in behavior. So yes I would say it's definitely odd and suspicious. I also feel like you're routine of "hey this is what I'm doing" text/call is great. I'm a huge advocate of that and do it in my relationships out of pure courtesy.
salparadise Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 You keep referring to "they." How many are there? Are we talking male, female, hetero, gay, lesbian, and around what age?
Author JinVA Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 I was trying to keep the situation gender neutral to hopefully get unbiased and completely honest feedback. It is a 1:1 longterm "normal" relationship. 1
salparadise Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 (edited) Ok, I though so. Avoiding normal personal pronouns sounds like you're obfuscating key elements of the back story. There are no gender-neutral, third person, singular, personal pronouns in the English language that you can substitute and not sound like a contortionist. I don't think revealing gender makes it less likely that you'll get unbiased responses. I think your situation is a bit precarious, mostly because it's undoing established protocol that was working (at least for you). If this was a new relationship I'd say back off to keep from being seen as controlling/smothering. But since you've been together for quite some time, have been talking about marriage, etc., I can see why a retreat from openness in communication would not feel right. On the other hand, I also understand how he would not want to feel accountable for his time and whereabouts, or to be tethered by phone. So the question is, where is this coming from in terms of his motivations. Is he just needing some fresh air, or is he backing away from the next step which implies much greater commitment? Either way, you're going to lose if you try to tighten the reigns. What kind of friends is he going out with and to what kind of places? I think this is the distinction you should focus on. If he's going out to grab a sandwich and a beer with good, responsible friends who sometimes may bring wives and girlfriends along and get home early, then it's really no big deal and in which case I'd say back off. OTH, if he's going to bars and nightclubs, drinking a lot, staying out late, hanging with guys chasing skirt, then it's a different deal altogether. Personally, I feel that people who are in committed relationships should avoid the singles scene, and certainly should not be going alone with single friends on the hunt. It's a recipe for disaster. I know this will be hard for you, but I say give him enough rope to hang himself and see what he does with it. You really don't want to set up a push-pull dynamic with someone you're considering marrying. Look at this as a chance to see who he really is before taking that next big step. Edited November 25, 2013 by salparadise 2
Elliotte Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Let me double check my understanding, if the other person has an evening free that you two didn't plan to have together, he or she has to tell you if they're going out? To me, partners don't need to tell each other every evenings' plans until they are living together, when the person being out is something that you can truly feel because you are in the same home. I get the courtesy, but if your partner wants to enjoy an evening out with friends, you two aren't living together, then the check in isn't necessary. If you feel they are purposely with-holding information from you, sure, that might be alarming. But if the person just tells you "hey I have nights for myself, I want to go out with friends, and I shouldn't feel obligated to tell you when and where I am going every night" then give the person they space they want.
todreaminblue Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 i dont think it is rude i actually think its totally necessary and a thoughtful way to be.......i would never not let a partner know where i was......i dont ask permission....but i dont break plans with a partner to do other stuff either....i normally know way ahead of time if i have plans about a weeks notice....i am unlikely to go on the spur out for a night....its just not me........deb
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