momfirst Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I'll be brief so as not to bore... Questions welcome to help you formulate advice. Three kids from first marriage (one off to college, two teenagers still at home) and one child of current marriage. No kids from husband's first marriage. Together 12 years. One teenager very difficult... Mental illness, verbally abusive/aggressive, angry, non-compliant, unwilling to participate actively in therapy. 80% of fighting is between child stepdad 20% between child and myself siblings not verbally abused but occasionally bullied So much stress that no one wants to be here half the time... Husband has threatened to leave multiple times and has set ultimatum of choose "child or me." Husband blames his retaliation to teenager as well as instigation of fighting with teenager on the teenager. Husband's words are, "T brings out the worst in me! I'm only like this around T. If T were not around everything would be fine. Nobody likes T so that means I'm normal for not liking T. T has never suffered serious enough consequences or punishments from you and that is why T is who T is today. I do not and will never like T, and certainly do not love T. The other kids are great. Why can't T be like them?" (I could go on and on and on...) As a mom, I have reached the end. I cannot leave T as there is no other adult that is available to provide care. I think if T and other kids were away from husband, T would be at least 50% better with regards to behavior as main instigator and partner in fighting would be out of the picture. I have lost loving feelings toward and a great deal of respect for husband. Much of it due to the ugliness between husband and T. It has felt like I have siblings fighting rather than an adult by my side. Should I leave and take a chance on a better life?
Art_Critic Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Should I leave and take a chance on a better life? No.. you get your husband in therapy with your son/his stepson. If it can't be fixed then yes you need to split up for the sake of your child. 1
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 How old is "T"? What professional has diagnosed him? What residential programs have you investigated? Where is the biological father? 1
Author momfirst Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 T is sixteen and was diagnosed bipolar at 7yo by psychiatrist and medicated to varying degrees of success over the years. He has had several therapists over the years, husband and I have had marriage counseling several times over the past five years, some family therapy about a year ago. None has been particularly successful. Husband maintains "marriage first" policy and I can't put marriage before motherhood. (I realize the two should be compatible but my parenting is so constantly criticized and since husband doesn't even like T, I find that I am torn between two relationships with no way to blend the two.) Husband doesn't have faith anymore in therapy and sees residential treatment as only acceptable solution but admits that main reason he wants that is to remove him from home. (Doesn't know if it would help but would at least get him out.) I have searched residential but can't help but wonder if just separating the two of them might solve the bulk of the problem.) I should mention that son is very well liked, respected and successful in school and in relationships outside of the home. Husband doesn't think he needs therapy that the problem rest on T's shoulders.
Author momfirst Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Bio dad lives 1000 miles away, has poor relationship with the kids and travels extensively due to job.
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 The bulk of the financial burden is on whom? Diagnosis was post current marriage but before child of this marriage? BiPolar is his only diagnosis?
Author momfirst Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 I receive child support for two teens from first marriage. Their dad makes approximately 3x my salary as a teacher. He pays approximately 75% of medical costs for kids. T was diagnosed about three years after husband and I met and about the time our child was born. BP is the only diagnosis. Even though the meds stabilize mood, there are still swings. We're on month three of a manic phase -- hence the increased agitation, argumentative behavior, non-compliance. Meds have been tweaked but have not resulted in a satisfactory result thus far.
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 It's a lot to manage and as you are likely aware most marriages to not survive. Not sure what you see as options for the nextt 5 years. Seems a shame to divorce but its your burden.
Author momfirst Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 It's a tough call, for sure... Thanks for your comments. I have some thinking to do. Ironically, a friend recently suggested I figure out where I'd like to be five years from now and work my plan backward. Maybe that's what I'll concentrate on for a bit. Have a good night.
Tiger Lily Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I receive child support for two teens from first marriage. Their dad makes approximately 3x my salary as a teacher. He pays approximately 75% of medical costs for kids. T was diagnosed about three years after husband and I met and about the time our child was born. BP is the only diagnosis. Even though the meds stabilize mood, there are still swings. We're on month three of a manic phase -- hence the increased agitation, argumentative behavior, non-compliance. Meds have been tweaked but have not resulted in a satisfactory result thus far. Bipolar at 7...doesn't even seem possible to diagnose bipolar so young, especially without lots of prior observation. Also, all teenagers go through mood swings; it's normal and doesn't necessarily mean they need to be medicated. Seems like everyone's pointing their fingers at T as the devil child, and not allowing him to even be upset about the chaos he has gone through. Big correlation between new child arriving and T acting up. Do you have any sympathy for the disruption caused in his life by having a new "father" step in, and basically demand all of your attention by creating a new child and a new life with you?
Author momfirst Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Mucho sympathy for him in addition to unconditional love... I've often wondered if I've allowed for more poor behavior that I should have out of guilt for all he's been through. When I'm in a reflective mood, I wonder what I might have done differently. Lavish on even more love? Set firmer boundaries? My list of questions in hindsight go on and on. But I can't get lost in too much wondering about "what if's" because I've got the present and the future to focus on. The diagnosis does sound like it came really young but it was accurate and based on three years of behaviors/symptoms, family history, etc. Night terrors (much different from nightmares), rages, very bizarre behaviors, suicide attempt at age 7... No question in my mind or in mind of three psychiatrists and a number of therapists. Wish it weren't true but it is what it is... 1
Tiger Lily Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Mucho sympathy for him in addition to unconditional love... I've often wondered if I've allowed for more poor behavior that I should have out of guilt for all he's been through. When I'm in a reflective mood, I wonder what I might have done differently. Lavish on even more love? Set firmer boundaries? My list of questions in hindsight go on and on. But I can't get lost in too much wondering about "what if's" because I've got the present and the future to focus on. The diagnosis does sound like it came really young but it was accurate and based on three years of behaviors/symptoms, family history, etc. Night terrors (much different from nightmares), rages, very bizarre behaviors, suicide attempt at age 7... No question in my mind or in mind of three psychiatrists and a number of therapists. Wish it weren't true but it is what it is... You all have been through a lot! And you're right, no point in getting stuck on the "what ifs". I think it's a good sign that he is fully functional outside of the home. So, it really seems like the home environment (for whatever reason) is a big trigger. The only recommendation I can make (that wouldn't cause a big disruption to everyone's life): Praise him. Praise him for all the wonderful things he does, the good things about him, and the way he makes your life better. It might help if his bio dad could do the same.... Or, reward him in some way that is meaningful to him when he does awesome things.
road Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Many kids are not able to accept a step parent. Were you divorced before you met your second husband?
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Planning for the independence - legally - of a child w significant mental illness is problematic at best. No patent can stop the time clock. They can prepare but often "control" is lost. This seems to me the immediate and primary focus. Is the biological dad funding a trust fund for his impaired son. Unless you, the teacher, have inherited money - I'm fairly certain you are unable to accomplish that. Is your plan for "T" to qualify for disability?
Yarrow Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 It's a tough spot and I don't know what to tell you. But one thing stuck out at me: he asked you to choose between him and your child. I'm not sure what he thinks the outcome of that will be. Everyone knows that if you ask a mother to choose between her child and some guy, she will always choose her child. That's the way maternal instinct works. Your situation is complicated by the fact that your child has complex needs that you may have trouble with dealing with on your own, but when that maternal instinct kicks in, there's not much else in the world that supersedes it. Not even a threat to your own life. These boards are littered with mothers and fathers who have broken with their spouses, but wouldn't give up their children in a million years. If your husband doesn't understand that instinct, I question whether he understands what it is to be a parent. 1
pteromom Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Husband has threatened to leave multiple times and has set ultimatum of choose "child or me." Then you have no choice. You have to choose your son. How cruel of your husband to even give you an ultimatum like that! I think if T and other kids were away from husband, T would be at least 50% better with regards to behavior as main instigator and partner in fighting would be out of the picture. Yep. I have lost loving feelings toward and a great deal of respect for husband. Much of it due to the ugliness between husband and T. It has felt like I have siblings fighting rather than an adult by my side. It sounds like it. Your husband sounds incredibly immature the way he is dealing with T, and I believe you owe it to T to get away from this man. You say there's no verbal abuse, but occasional bullying... what exactly is the difference to you? 1
thinkingofhim Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Some family friends had a son my age that was diagnosed bipolar in childhood. It got so much worse as he grew up, it really tore their family apart. The other kids suffered badly too because so much care was going to the son with issues. As he has gotten older it's apparent there are probably more issues ... he hears "demons", he's violent, totally unpredictable, disappears, hooks up with inappropriate girlfriends (for lack of a better word... a 16 year old girl he met online was one, another a drug addict older than his mother was another). Their family is now scattered to the winds ... Hawaii, West Virginia, Oregon, Germany. Only his mom is left struggling to care for this severely unstable adult who cannot hold a job, refuses to take medication, and can't care for himself. The mom is a teacher like you OP, and has no savings or family left at all after sinking so much into her son. Don't put the rest of your family second, OP. You are supporting your son, but you need support as well. Your family can be that support. And they need you. Can you get everyone to a family counselor that can see all sides of the story..? My heart goes out to you OP... 1
KathyM Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I would suggest family counseling, since all members of the family are affected by this. I know you had tried that in the past, but perhaps a different counselor would be more helpful. I wouldn't give up on it at this point. Also, a support group for parents of children with Bipolar Disorder would be helpful. Between the therapist and the support of other parents, perhaps they can help your husband to develop better coping/parenting skills. Raising a child with Bipolar Disorder that is not being managed well is extremely difficult. Please do not minimize or underestimate the tremendous difficulty your husband is going through with this. All of you need help and support with this. And your husband needs understanding also with how difficult and challenging it is to raise a child with a mental illness. Both of you need to work on developing parenting skills that are appropriate for handling a child with BD. Please do everything you can to get the help you need for your family before throwing in the towel on your marriage. The things your husband said were bad, but it was said out of a place of desperation, frustration, and defeat. Your husband needs to be empathized with as well, and you all need to work together as a family to make this situation better. Right now, you've taken sides, and your husband feels he is unimportant to you, and his feelings don't matter. I don't know all the dynamics involved in your particular situation. Many times, parents are in denial about their child's illness, and they expect their child to behave and respond to parents as if he would not be suffering from a mental illness. I am actually counseling a woman right now who is also struggling with this same thing, along with her partner, in dealing with a young adult with a mental illness (not Bipolar, but an equally serious illness). I've been working with her on acceptance of the reality of his limitations, and how to better handle him. Things have gotten better, and more peaceful at home, when she has come to a level of acceptance. Please don't give up on your marriage at this point. Give family counseling another try. Join a support group for parents of children with BD. And provide empathy for your husband for the difficult struggles of raising a child with BD. By empathizing with him, it may soften his stance a bit. And by getting the help you need, there is hope. Good luck. 1
Iguanna Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Husband has threatened to leave multiple times and has set ultimatum of choose "child or me." I stopped reading here. It's an idea I just can't "swallow". I understand he is the father of your last child, but he has NO right whatsoever to make a mother choose between husband and child. I mean, how can he even think that you may consider this? Your child is your first priority. If the H doesn't want to stay and fight for his stepson and mostly for the woman he loves, then he doesn't deserve your love or your marriage. Yes, go on and shoo him. If he comes back begging for a new chance and with more patience with the kid, you can give him another chance. If he doesn't, off he goes.
CrystalCastles Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Husband has threatened to leave multiple times and has set ultimatum of choose "child or me." Husband blames his retaliation to teenager as well as instigation of fighting with teenager on the teenager. Husband's words are, "T brings out the worst in me! I'm only like this around T. If T were not around everything would be fine. Nobody likes T so that means I'm normal for not liking T. T has never suffered serious enough consequences or punishments from you and that is why T is who T is today. I do not and will never like T, and certainly do not love T. The other kids are great. Why can't T be like them?" (I could go on and on and on...) As a mom, I have reached the end. I cannot leave T as there is no other adult that is available to provide care. I think if T and other kids were away from husband, T would be at least 50% better with regards to behavior as main instigator and partner in fighting would be out of the picture. That is a really ugly attitude to have towards a child, especially one who is mentally handicapped. I don't understand one thing. When you were dating your now-husband, did he not know of T before you married him? Did you introduce him to your children when it became clear the two of you were going to marry? Your now-husband could have decided then, before marrying you, if he would be able to provide not only financial support, but also emotional support for you and T.
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 That is a really ugly attitude to have towards a child, especially one who is mentally handicapped. I don't understand one thing. When you were dating your now-husband, did he not know of T before you married him? Did you introduce him to your children when it became clear the two of you were going to marry? Your now-husband could have decided then, before marrying you, if he would be able to provide not only financial support, but also emotional support for you and T. Did you overlook post #4?????
nittygritty Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 "As a mom, I have reached the end. I cannot leave T as there is no other adult that is available to provide care. I think if T and other kids were away from husband, T would be at least 50% better with regards to behavior as main instigator and partner in fighting would be out of the picture. I have lost loving feelings toward and a great deal of respect for husband. Much of it due to the ugliness between husband and T. It has felt like I have siblings fighting rather than an adult by my side. Should I leave and take a chance on a better life?" Yes, you should leave your husband. It sounds like you already know that's what you should and just haven't filed for divorce yet. Your husband sounds emotionally abusive and it isn't a healthy way for any of you to be living in constant turmoil.
CrystalCastles Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Did you overlook post #4????? Er, no I didn't????? Post 4 talks about the OP's marriage, and the husband. It doesn't say anything about what the husband thought of T BEFORE he became the OP's husband. I'm sure he probably thought ill of T BEFORE OP and the husband got married.
Balzac Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Got it. Interesting your confidence in husbands's ill will. At that time "T's" attempted suicide had yet to occur. There is definitely plenty to speculate on in this family dynamic.
PinkInTheLimo Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 I think your husband is right: marriage has to come first. Your husband and you have to be on the same team in your behaviour towards your son. If you are not on the same team, your son will feel it and he will take advantage of it. I don't know your son's problem but I'm pretty sure that the fact that his biological father has been absent in his life surely contributes. You as his mother have probably been too lenient with him, not indicating your boundaries enough, not giving enough structure. So he was probably a difficult child and this is now mulitplied by 100 with his raging teenager hormones. Whatever the medical problem is, your husband and you have to create a clear structure of what you will and will not accept. Otherwise your marriage will break down, which will cause even more problems for you and your kids.
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