Did I sabotage our relationship and how to heal and move on?

[Summer Lovin]

I've been having the hardest time getting over my ex and just have to accept that he just doesn't want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I wanted more from the relationship than he did. To me, he was my best friend and meant so much to me. In the beginning he was moving very fast, so I guess I got my hopes up thinking that he really wanted to be with me, asked me to move in within 5-months of dating, etc. When our relationship had to stem into long distance he broke up with me for a while because he couldn't handle being apart. I took it as I just wasn't worth the long distance to him.

 

I found out that he had previously had a bad experience with a long distance relationship and got hurt pretty badly, he was with a woman for 3-years and even proposed to her. It just made me think, well why was she worth it and I am not. I guess it caused for a lot of resentment to build up on my part and I'd constantly bring up why his ex was worth it and not me. He told me that experience made him feel like whenever he is in long distance he has to be single as a defense mechanism. He finally got back together with me but he wasn't that "into" it I could tell. He complained about how much he hated the distance, and it was almost like he was doing it because he felt like he had to, not because he truly wanted to. I caught him messaging girls on Match and flirting with women a couple of times.

 

I ended up moving in with him. He told me all along that is what he wanted. It did not go well - I basically was raining on his parade I felt. He wasn't overjoyed that the woman he loved was there. He kicked me out of his apartment, wouldn't invite me to anything and I didn't feel he was proud of me. I felt like I was doing most of the sacrificing for the relationship. I still love him, but I know I shouldn't have to convince a person to be with me. He tells me that he was ready for everything with me and had such high hopes for us, but that I ruined it by being so insecure about his past. I'll admit I also nagged a lot but it was because I wanted more from the relationship than he was willing to give me. Did I sabotage us? Any advice for how to heal from it all?

 

He keeps telling me that he'll get back together to me if I change, but I recognize that I need to let go of the relationship. I'm just having a hard time doing so because he meant so much to me. I replay things over in my head and think just how different things could've been. Did I sabotage us?

[Philosoraptor]

While your insecurity didn't help, it wasn't the only issue here. He didn't want the same things you did and once you moved in with him because "he hated the distance", he flipped the script and started treating you poorly.

 

You're right, you gave more than he did. Hang your hat on that knowing you are willing to give so much in a relationship and that the next person will be lucky to have you. No need to waste any more time on someone who wasn't very giving and didn't treat you great.

[Summer Lovin]

Any ideas why he was willing to do long distance for 3-years with an ex but not me? It made me feel I wasn't good enough or as good as her. Also why was he so excited in the beginning and got my hope up all to just throw me away? He even took me to look at engagement rings at one point.

[Philosoraptor]

Any ideas why he was willing to do long distance for 3-years with an ex but not me? It made me feel I wasn't good enough or as good as her. Also why was he so excited in the beginning and got my hope up all to just throw me away? He even took me to look at engagement rings at one point.

His reasoning isn't important. It doesn't change the fact that he's gone.

 

He wasn't willing to do these things for you and you deserve someone who is willing to work through things with you. Take it as a blessing that you dropped the dead weight before you wasted even more time with someone who was going to flake at some point anyways.

[Summer Lovin]

I guess that's something I had a hard time accepting that he would do it for her but not me. He said after that experience he never wanted to do long distance again and when he met me he met the person to settle down with and felt hurt and betrayed I didnt

[Acacia98]

Any ideas why he was willing to do long distance for 3-years with an ex but not me? It made me feel I wasn't good enough or as good as her.

 

Sassiechik, a piece of advice: the minute you start asking yourself the above kind of question, it is a sign that you are not in the right relationship and need to break things off. Staying in that kind of relationship will only make you more and more insecure because, in your mind, you will always be competing with his ex. The dynamic is all wrong for a relationship.

 

From your description of your experience, I get the impression that you have a very hard time dealing with rejection. The man you were with did many things, subtle and not-so-subtle, to push you away, but that only seemed to make you hold on to the relationship tighter. The healthier reaction would have been to be sad, but to recognize that it wasn't meant to be, and to walk away. If you do go in for individual counseling, I strongly recommend that you raise this issue with your counselor.

Edited November 26, 2013 by Acacia98

[CaliBabe]

I am sorry you are hurting. Trust me I understand. But you need to realize that no one here can tell you why your ex did it for the other woman and not you. No one can tell you why he did what he did. You have to accept that its over and you need to begin improving yourself. What you are doing right now... Obessing over his actions is what he was talking about when he said you need to change. You are very codependent on this relationship. You need to focus on you and get your own identity.

Focus on you, you deserve it.

[Summer Lovin]

Ya he said he felt like nothing he did would make it so I felt like he loved me so he just gave up. He said my insecurities and me doubting him pushed him away. I guess I felt really hurt all the time and I'll admit I was jealous that he did love his ex so much. I just wanted to know that he loved me as much as her.

[Summer Lovin]

Ya he said he felt like nothing he did would make it so I felt like he loved me so he just gave up. He said my insecurities and me doubting him pushed him away. I guess I felt really hurt all the time and I'll admit I was jealous that he did love his ex so much. I just wanted to know that he loved me as much as her. I still feel like so many things are unanswered I guess the main was is why wasn't I worth it after he came in and swept me off my feet.

[Philosoraptor]

You're doing nothing but extending your pain and suffering by obessing over these non-important details. He's gone, his loss. Heal up, fill your life with positive things, and eventually move on to someone who treat you as well as you treat them.

[Summer Lovin]

The other hard part is that I actually moved to be with him so my friends/family/support are all very far away. I was able to get a good job where I am at but feel very alone at times. I'm contemplating if perhaps a move back to where I grew up would be better. The problem is that my ex and I have a car lease together and it's registered in this state and he won't take it.