How Do I Tell A Girl About My Past?

[KathyM]

You haven't convinced me that not volunteering that information is a lie. If someone asks you if you've been with a married person, tell the truth. If they don't then what is the purpose of telling them that? Even if it's a discussion about relationship history, why is it necessary to point out that the person was married? What purpose does it serve and where would the disclosure need to stop? What else do you think is important for someone to admit to before they can be in a trusting relationship not "built on lies?"

 

It's not wise to go around airing your dirty laundry to someone you don't know if you can trust in 5 years.

I'm saying that, when asked about relationship history, not disclosing that it was an extramarital relationship, would be a lie of omission. An important fact that was purposely left out in order to manipulate and deceive. The whole point of dating is getting to know the person to see if they are compatible with you, and the type of person you want to invest your love and your life with. They have a right to know, if it is important to them. If it's not important to them, they won't ask.

 

Other things that are important information to disclose to a prospective partner besides past relationships are his views on important topics, his values, any criminal history, his spiritual beliefs, his job, if he has children floating around out there somewhere, just to name a few important things to disclose to a prospective partner, and which they have a right to know, or a right to at least be told you are not going to disclose, so they can decide if they want to go ahead with the relationship without knowing.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I think I can better sum up what I was clumsily getting at..

 

If you being with a married woman (almost 15 years ago?) is a deal-breaker for someone, then that person is obligated to let you know about it. It would be her issue and if she was that hung up on it she'd ask anyway. When she asks, it then has importance in that context. That is when you should disclose that to someone you are getting serious with.

 

 

Kathy, basically what you're saying is that having secrets makes you a liar. I don't agree with you.

Edited November 25, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[KathyM]

I think I can better sum up what I was clumsily getting at..

 

If you being with a married woman (almost 15 years ago?) is a deal-breaker for someone, then that person is obligated to let you know about it. It would be her issue and if she was that hung up on it she'd ask anyway. When she asks, it then has importance in that context. That is when you should disclose that to someone you are getting serious with.

 

 

Kathy, basically what you're saying is that having secrets makes you a liar. I don't agree with you.

I didn't say having secrets makes you a liar in general. But omitting the truth when asked about past relationships is a lie of omission, and is meant to manipulate and deceive. If you don't think that's wrong to do to someone, then I don't know what else to say to you. Have a good day.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I didn't say having secrets makes you a liar in general. But omitting the truth when asked about past relationships is a lie of omission, and is meant to manipulate and deceive. If you don't think that's wrong to do to someone, then I don't know what else to say to you. Have a good day.

 

Manipulate and deceive? Not giving a resume of all your past relationships is not deceitful or manipulative. You don't need to know about the wrong people I fell for and I don't need to know about the wrong people you fell for.

 

What you're suggesting is making an issue of something that doesn't need to be made an issue of until disclosure is necessary. I can be perfectly willing to tell you that info if it is important to you, but to just volunteer that without context is not being manipulative. You have a warped view of manipulation.

 

Someone might not have a problem with it until they imagine the person they love in that situation. It's just courtesy to not give someone those images if they aren't specifically asking for them. It can be very inconsiderate to sensitive people. So watch who you're calling a liar.

[todreaminblue]

Manipulate and deceive? Not giving a resume of all your past relationships is not deceitful or manipulative. You don't need to know about the wrong people I fell for and I don't need to know about the wrong people you fell for.

 

What you're suggesting is making an issue of something that doesn't need to be made an issue of until disclosure is necessary. I can be perfectly willing to tell you that info if it is important to you, but to just volunteer that without context is not being manipulative. You have a warped view of manipulation.

 

Someone might not have a problem with it until they imagine the person they love in that situation. It's just courtesy to not give someone those images if they aren't specifically asking for them. It can be very inconsiderate to sensitive people. So watch who you're calling a liar.

 

thsi relationship he had was oen that was long lasting.......it wasnt a flash in the pan a write off to a bad choice or misinformed choice...it has importance.....it is probably the most significant relationship in his life.....he has to disclose even though he might not want to ...he has too in the spirit of honesty and acceptance........deb

[KathyM]

Manipulate and deceive? Not giving a resume of all your past relationships is not deceitful or manipulative. You don't need to know about the wrong people I fell for and I don't need to know about the wrong people you fell for.

 

What you're suggesting is making an issue of something that doesn't need to be made an issue of until disclosure is necessary. I can be perfectly willing to tell you that info if it is important to you, but to just volunteer that without context is not being manipulative. You have a warped view of manipulation.

 

Someone might not have a problem with it until they imagine the person they love in that situation. It's just courtesy to not give someone those images if they aren't specifically asking for them. It can be very inconsiderate to sensitive people. So watch who you're calling a liar.

Like I said, if your past relationship history is important to the person you are dating, they'll ask, and hopefully you'll tell the truth to them. Most people do want to know relationship history. It is manipulative to not disclose while pretending that you have disclosed, in order to keep that person in the relationship.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Like I said, if your past relationship history is important to the person you are dating, they'll ask, and hopefully you'll tell the truth to them. Most people do want to know relationship history. It is manipulative to not disclose while pretending that you have disclosed, in order to keep that person in the relationship.

 

Now that you put the part about pretending to disclose, I can get on board with your statement. But this issue is not on the list of things that I'd call important unless it was in the right context. Though, saying that withholding that specific piece of info (or any info about previous relationships) means your relationship is built on lies, as a blanket statement isn't fair.

[Under The Radar]

So you were both dishonest with each other, and misled each other. No wonder the relationship ended. Would you have wanted it to continue and be based on a lie? Next time, when you discuss past relationships with a prospective girlfriend, I would suggest you be honest about it.

 

Kathy,

 

With all due respect, is that not what I've been advocating in this thread all along? You are preaching to the choir at this point.

 

I have seen many of your posts over the years and it is not surprising to see you judge me in this thread. Before you even commented I knew where you stood on this issue.

 

I have to say, if you were not already married with children, but single, I'd ask you out for coffee in a heartbeat .

[Under The Radar]

Hey AShogunNamedMarcus,

 

I hear what you are saying and understand that nobody lets all of their skeletons out of the closet when first meeting. We have to be selective and time appropriate in how we convey the truth.

 

It's funny because in my last relationship I DID tell the truth ...... just 10 months later. She did not choose to leave the relationship at that time, but condemned me time and again. The biggest mistake I ever made in the relationship was not "Lying By Omission" (though I would agree that was a mistake), but in not walking away soon enough.

 

Everybody has skeletons in their closet - including the many posters on this thread. As the great Eddie Murphy said, "Some people have cemeteries in their closet. You open the door and ravens actually fly out".

[Under The Radar]

thsi relationship he had was oen that was long lasting.......it wasnt a flash in the pan a write off to a bad choice or misinformed choice...it has importance.....it is probably the most significant relationship in his life.....he has to disclose even though he might not want to ...he has too in the spirit of honesty and acceptance........deb

 

 

Deb "hit the nail on the head" with these comments. I would have to share my past with someone in the future when the time was right. The relationship I had with the MW was not a "flash in the pan" and was very important to me. We were emotional companions FAR more than physical ones. The friendship is what mattered to us most.

 

Few people would see that deeply, and insightfully, with regard to my past, if they simply judged me without the whole story. Like Deb said, how could someone truly want to be with me and love me without knowing where I came from?

 

Excellent post and I thank you for it .

[Under The Radar]

Now that you put the part about pretending to disclose, I can get on board with your statement. But this issue is not on the list of things that I'd call important unless it was in the right context. Though, saying that withholding that specific piece of info (or any info about previous relationships) means your relationship is built on lies, as a blanket statement isn't fair.

 

Correct - the last sentence of your above post is something I agree with wholeheartedly. Nobody reveals their whole history unless feeling comfortable with that person. Several posters in this thread have stated that concept already.

 

Kathy is calling me to the mat and labeling me unfairly. I am not shy about being judged by people like her. It's good practice for when I begin dating again and the "game of life". I may be a lot of things, but manipulative is not one of them.

 

I was scared, inexperienced, and immature. I was confused from my previous relationship with a MW and still trying to process everything that had happened. In truth, I should not have been dating because I was not ready.. I had to learn the hard way and I certainly did.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me with their posts in this thread - I really appreciate it.

[KathyM]

Kathy,

 

With all due respect, is that not what I've been advocating in this thread all along? You are preaching to the choir at this point.

 

I have seen many of your posts over the years and it is not surprising to see you judge me in this thread. Before you even commented I knew where you stood on this issue.

Yes, anyone who knows my posting history knows honesty, integrity, and faithfulness, are very important to me.

I have to say, if you were not already married with children, but single, I'd ask you out for coffee in a heartbeat .

And I would hope you'd be honest with me when I'd ask you about your relationship history, whenever that question was asked.

 

And to answer your original question about when and how to disclose, the answer is when it is asked. And you could say something like "I was in a relationship for eight years with a woman who was married at the time. It is something I would never wish to repeat."

[KathyM]

 

Kathy is calling me to the mat and labeling me unfairly. I am not shy about being judged by people like her. It's good practice for when I begin dating again and the "game of life". I may be a lot of things, but manipulative is not one of them.

 

If your dating partner/girlfriend asked you about your relationship history and you failed to disclose the relationship with the married lady, then you were manipulative. Sorry, but I am calling it for what it is.

[wanting more]

When I was younger I did drugs. If I could snort it, smoke it or take it orally I did it. (scared of needles)

 

My best friend went out one night, partied hard and overdosed. That was the day I quit and never touched anything since.

 

If Im dating someone and we're talking about our past and he asks did I ever do drugs, my answer. Yes. No details. It was a time in my life when my future was not something I thought about. I lived like there was no tomorrow. I was one of those who enjoyed what I was doing at the time.

 

I won't sit there and go into detail about how much, how many different ones I tried or how often I did it

 

Just like my past relationships. More than 1 less than 10. If its someone that needs lots of details, we won't be dating very long. But as I said in my other posts, beyond the age of 40, I don't need all the details. I've never been a hooker. As long as the man wasnt a male hooker In pretty sure I could have a relationship with him

[Under The Radar]

If your dating partner/girlfriend asked you about your relationship history and you failed to disclose the relationship with the married lady, then you were manipulative. Sorry, but I am calling it for what it is.

 

Kathy,

 

Within the context of these threads all of the information is not known. There is a much bigger story to my life and decisions than you could possibly surmise from my posting history. You are entitled to your own opinions, but not your own facts. I'm sorry, but I call it like it is, too. I appreciate you finally answering my original question. I do value your perspective and wish you well.

[janedoe67]

I'll be frank, OP....

 

You have obviously changed and turned your life around. Any woman who is worthy of the man you have become will believe in redemption.

 

And that's all I have to say about that

[Under The Radar]

Thank you ... what you wrote is how I feel inside. It is really nice to hear someone else say it. I greatly appreciate your kind post .

 

I'll be frank, OP....

 

You have obviously changed and turned your life around. Any woman who is worthy of the man you have become will believe in redemption.

 

And that's all I have to say about that

[janedoe67]

Thank you ... what you wrote is how I feel inside. It is really nice to hear someone else say it. I greatly appreciate your kind post .

 

I would be the man you know you should and not worry about the people who would rather live life looking down. They are unhappy in their own way whether they know it or not.

 

That is not the type of woman you want anyway - who wants to live their life behind the eight ball because of their past?

 

Anyway, walking around with a mote in your eye worrying over everyone else's specks starts to hurt your eye after awhile

[Emilia]

Hello UTR, long time no speak

 

Interesting thread. I was married for 9 years and I disclose this information to the men I date because I feel it's relevant and I tend to explain the reasons for divorce when they want to hear it (most don't really) but I don't really disect the ins and outs of my exH or the marriage. My other relationships were shorter though more recent, I don't really talk about them unless I get asked. I tend to talk about what I've learned about relationships and myself and I'm honest about those things.

 

Don't know. What I've learned and who I am today seems to be more important than reciting some chronological summary of the past.

[KathyM]

I would be the man you know you should and not worry about the people who would rather live life looking down. They are unhappy in their own way whether they know it or not.

 

That is not the type of woman you want anyway - who wants to live their life behind the eight ball because of their past?

 

Anyway, walking around with a mote in your eye worrying over everyone else's specks starts to hurt your eye after awhile

People have a right to be selective in the partner they choose to have a relationship with. People have a right to use past history as information when deciding if the prospective partner is a good risk for a relationship or not. In fact, since you are using Biblical references as some way to prove a point, the Bible states that we are to choose our spouse wisely, choose someone who is prudent, who has self control, who is a Christian. You are faulting people for wanting to choose a partner wisely. There is nothing wrong with being selective. We are called by God to be selective in who we choose to marry. Past history gives us a glimpse of a person's character, his choices, his weaknesses, his morality, and while a person may change and turn from sinful choices, his history does tell a story about who he is and/or was. People have a right to decide if that history is something that they would want in a spouse, or if it would present too great of a risk. There is nothing wrong with using past history to determine risk, and to decide on a relationship based on past history as well as the present. It is not a matter of being unforgiving to decide that the person is not a good risk for marriage because of choices made in the past. The past often plays out in future choices, despite someone's good intentions.

[janedoe67]

Not faulting them at all. I believe in choosing wisely. I also am a Christian....not because I am perfect but because of the redemptive power of Christ. Because redemption is for those who need it......

 

Oh wait, that would be all of us

[KathyM]

redemption is for those who need it......

 

Oh wait, that would be all of us

Agreed. We are all sinners. But that doesn't mean that we aren't allowed to consider a person's past when deciding on a relationship partner. In fact, we are instructed by God to make wise choices and exercise good judgment when selecting a relationship partner.

[janedoe67]

Nehru said it wasn't important. Simply said that a woman who would reject the man he is based on the man he was is not the woman for him.

[KathyM]

Nehru said it wasn't important. Simply said that a woman who would reject the man he is based on the man he was is not the woman for him.

I had to look up who Nehru was. A former prime minister in India who governed in the early to mid 1900s, from what I've read, and who carried on a love affair with some guy's wife. I don't really consider his comments as meaningful to me.

[Emilia]

The past often plays out in future choices, despite someone's good intentions.

Gosh, hope no-one makes a mistake in your family.