How Do I Tell A Girl About My Past?

[Under The Radar]

Hi MissBee,

 

I hope when I start dating again the women I meet will be as open and accepting as you are. Maybe it's the cynic in me, but I feel women in general would be more judgmental and harsh about my past then if I were a female disclosing to men. I say that, because it seems so many men are interested in sex, that it does not occur to me that they would care about the past, so much as the present (because they are getting laid).

 

Surprisingly, I did date for a little bit a couple of years ago, but I realized I wasn't ready so I discontinued. In that time I did tell one girl (the last one I dated) about my past and she accepted me. In fact, crazy as it sounds, she began to like me more for the honesty (keep in mind we had not slept together yet). Had I waited to tell her until after we got physical I don't think the outcome would have been as positive. We are still friends to this day. I suppose it was a good test considering she DOES think mainly in black/white terms and can be very judgmental. Moving forward will definitely be interesting.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Training Revelations

[Under The Radar]

Hi CuriousGeorge2,

 

I was good friends with the married woman I had a PA with for two years before we crossed that line. I did not understand the concept of an EA at the time like I do now. In hindsight, over the years, I realize that the 24 months before we became physical we had been having an emotional affair. The EA definitely led to physical intimacy and ultimately a full fledged affair.

 

I can see now why emotional affairs in many ways can be far more destructive and alarming to people who are in committed relationships. In my opinion they almost always, given enough time, lead to the physical aspects of cheating.

 

I am glad to hear that your EA never escalated to a PA and that you found a good partner in your wife.

[Under The Radar]

Donnivain,

 

Thanks for posting advice on my thread. I think most people want to know the "Nitty Gritty" on a partner while suppressing their own baggage so to speak. The hypocrisy of human nature is certainly an interesting topic for a future thread. It's like people who are so picky about prospective mates and the problems they may have while completely trivializing or ignoring their own. I respect your viewpoint which seems pretty adamant .

 

Just out of curiosity would you reject someone (if you were not married and dating again) with the past I describe here? I wonder what your reaction would be if they were upfront and honest about it.

[Under The Radar]

Hello Janedoe67,

 

I agree that we should be judged as a whole and not on select choices we have made in our lives. I felt shame for my past when I first started posting here a few years ago. I don't feel that way anymore and haven't for at least 18 months. That does not mean I would ever participate in an EA or a PA in the future. I clearly see what mistakes I have made, but I wouldn't define my involvement with a married woman "shameful". The MW treated me with love, respect, and compassion that I have rarely experienced in my life. The affair was not innocent, but the love was real and I learned a lot about myself/people/and life.

 

The therapist I was seeing a few years ago to sort out my feelings over the matter said that most people will violate their own moral code at some point in life. He explained to me that I am not a "serial cheater" or "home wrecker" as some might quickly label me without having really taken the time to understand my true character.

 

People absolutely make mistakes and hopefully we own them. Hopefully we apologize, learn and grow from them. He helped me come full circle by listing all of my positive attributes and clearly defining what I believe is right/wrong moving forward. We discussed the abuse/neglect I received as a small child and teenager. He helped me to see the void I had in myself which led to the EA.

 

I understand the "Red Flags" and "Pitfalls" now that could put me in a situation like this again. I understand how to avoid them and in the process I have become far less judgmental of other people's pasts (which I am so thankful for).

 

So I could never truly regret 100% my choices because they made me who I am today ...... and today I'm a much better person than I was 15 years ago.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging post.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Training Revelations

[bubbaganoosh]

Don't know if this will help but way back in 1969, I was engaged to a girl while in the army. She got pregnant and I came home from over seas and married her only to find out that it wasn't mine and she married me only for the benefits of being married to a service man and the government paid the bill. The OM was a bum and didn't have anything in his pockets except lint. Needless to say it crushed me.

 

When I got out of the army, I met a girl and as we were driving down the road going on our first date, I pull over in a parking lot and told her what happened.

 

Now remember this was 1969 and divorce wasn't a fashionable as it is now and I told her what happened from start to finish, then told her that if she wanted to go back home I would take her. She listened to me and she wanted to go out with me.

 

I never broadcasted this thing that happened to me to everyone and it was know only by family and some friends and my girlfriend and I kept it to ourselves.

 

Well sooner or later word got out and her mother found out about it and called her older daughter and spilled the beans about me. The older daughters husband went to the courthouse and got a transcript of the divorce (public record) and called my girlfriend and told her that she knew our secret.

 

Well we went down and asked if they read the transcript and they said yeas and I told them that it was pretty much a lie. I filed on indignity charges because I couldn't prove adultery since she was pregnant at the time of me filing.

 

Long story short, I told her before she found out from someone else. When the other person hears it from another source, chances are they get it wrong or add their own spin on it and the truth gets muddled and harder to explain. Tell them up front and deal with it then and there and you'll know where you stand.

 

Now your story is about your intimate life and far different than mine but the same thing could happen where someone else tells her and adds a few things or deletes a few things and your the one struggling to explain what happened.

[Got it]

Radar, I think this is going to depend on much of a priority you put it and to what degree you want to disclose. I understand as I am similar and not ashamed of my past. The choices and actions are mine and the lessons learned are important. So I have no interest in hiding that from a SO. I would not look to disclose on the first date but once you are exclusive and discussion past relationships, experiences, and lessons.

 

Everyone is different so you may have a SO who isn't interested in hearing this information so you have to decide how you feel about that. I think what I have found to work best is talking about the lessons learned from the experience, what insight you may have gained.

 

I am a big "why" person so I like to deep dive things as well and I definitely want to walk through different aspects of a person's past to get their thought process, coping mechanism, etc.

 

It is really up to you and being true to yourself.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you Bubbaganoosh for sharing that personal part of your life. I am sorry that happened to you and I can only try to understand how crushing something like that must have been to you.

 

I agree it is better to be upfront and honest in the beginning of a relationship. How wonderful and real can a relationship be if it is built on lies? No, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life, and condemned for my past, then to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

 

I know there are mature, understanding, and compassionate people out there who would accept me. In fact, I've met many of these types of people over the years so I have no delusions about whether or not they exist.

[KathyM]

Isn't honesty and communication the foundation of any meaningful relationship? What would I tell her if we were watching a movie and infidelity occurred as part of the plot and she sighs in disgust or asks me would I ever do that?

Honesty and communication IS a very important aspect of a meaningful relationship. It is possible, however, that this information will not be asked by your prospective girlfriend. If it is, I would hope that you would be honest with her, and not mislead her about your past in order to manipulate her into a relationship with you or to stay in a relationship with you. When the subject of your past comes up, then be honest about it, and let her know the truth. Everyone deserves the truth when making a decision about weather to be involved with the person they are investing their time, emotions, heart and life with.

[Iguanna]

Hello Everyone,

 

I was involved with a married woman 23 years older than me when I was younger. The affair ended after 8 years and I began dating a woman close in age to me. I told her about my past relationship with a married woman after ten months. I waited that long to disclose my past because I feared being judged and did not want her to break up with me.

 

Ultimately, we broke up and I was horribly depressed over it for several months. Many people on LS helped me through that painful time and whether I should share my past with women moving forward.

 

That thread (under my previous username of Training Revelations) can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/291291-does-my-past-matter-1.html

 

Now, approaching 40 years of age, I am starting to become interested in dating again. I am not 100% healed, but I'm close and I'm at peace with my past. I know I would want to share this information with someone who I might end up becoming exclusive with in a LTR.

 

My question is WHEN should I tell them about my past and HOW? I think for me the HOW would be more difficult. Any thoughts, advise, or suggestions would be deeply appreciated.

 

I see no reason for you telling a future girlfriend about your past. You used to have a relationship with a married woman, ok, you were no thief or criminal or killer and you don't need to give a report to anyone about it. In my opinion it's better to keep past relationships secret from our partners and not ask about theirs. I really see no reason for you to share details of the past as long as you are ok with her now. The most you can tell is "I used to have a relationship with a woman, she was more mature than me, we had a good time and it ended after 8 years", no details needed. If my bf or husband would be ok with me and I loved him, I would not care if he had made some "sins" before meeting me. Sometimes it's better not to know.

[Under The Radar]

Hey Got It,

 

Thanks for chiming in ...... Like you I want to know the WHY and not just the end result. I think too many people rush to judge without knowing the whole story. Are we to believe that all affairs occur under the exact same circumstances? I know for a fact that is not the case. It doesn't mean I advocate affairs and cheating in general - I do not. However, knowing the decision making process, age, personal history, etc... can help us better understand someone's mistakes.

 

I don't believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater". People can and do change; that's a fact - not an opinion. It's true most people DON'T change because they can't or won't. The saying "A zebra doesn't change it's stripes" comes to mind. Nevertheless, it would be intellectually dishonest and untrue to put a blanket generalization on everyone in society that people cannot change for the better.

 

I'm not a cheater, but I was involved in a relationship with someone who was cheating. I was a participant in a deceitful act if you will. It happened a long time ago and I learned from it. It will never happen again.

 

BTW, LOL at disclosing on a first date .

[d0nnivain]

Just out of curiosity would you reject someone (if you were not married and dating again) with the past I describe here? I wonder what your reaction would be if they were upfront and honest about it.

 

 

I guess it would depend on how & when this info was communicated to me.

 

 

Very early on in some sort of confessional way, I'd be outta there like a shot. I'm nobody's priest & I would feel like this person had no boundaries. I'm very private but will usually give a straight answer. It's gonna take a lot for me to share my dirty laundry so I am very leery of people who share too much too soon.

 

 

If it just came up, I'd probably ask a lot of probing questions regarding the person's views on marriage & fidelity. I'd really have to understand why my new SO stayed in a relationship with a married person & what the circumstances were. I dated somebody who was separated & going through a divorce. His EX was already living with somebody else & had been for some time before I came into the picture. But if this was a true affair with all the sneaking around & lying, I doubt I could over come that to trust the person enough to truly keep loving them.

[Under The Radar]

Honesty and communication IS a very important aspect of a meaningful relationship. It is possible, however, that this information will not be asked by your prospective girlfriend. If it is, I would hope that you would be honest with her, and not mislead her about your past in order to manipulate her into a relationship with you or to stay in a relationship with you. When the subject of your past comes up, then be honest about it, and let her know the truth. Everyone deserves the truth when making a decision about weather to be involved with the person they are investing their time, emotions, heart and life with.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. My problem is with people expecting honesty and candidness from a partner without reciprocation. I mistakenly waited 10 months to tell my ex-girlfriend about my past. I wanted her to see the goodness in me without allowing my past to define who I am. I was rejected on every level for "Lying by Omission", yet I did not know every skeleton in her closet. Extreme hypocrisy is not an attractive trait .

[Under The Radar]

Iguanna,

 

Thank you for your feelings on the matter. We all have pasts, and like someone posted earlier, you would have to be stupid, or very immature, to think your SO hasn't made mistakes.

 

From my discussions about this with different people I can see that opinions will vary - sometimes considerably.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks DOnnivain, your second post helped me a lot. I should state I'm not interested in making a "confession" to anyone I meet in the future. Obviously, if we were strangers beforehand then I need not apologize to THEM for my past. I also would not feel the need to discuss my past as some sort of test or because I'm insecure about it. It's is much simpler than that - it's about not wanting to lie and establishing trust.

 

I understand your reticence to engage someone with a past like that. Either a fear of being cheated on, lied to, or an overall malfunction in that person's ability to foster good judgment. It's funny because most people I interact with KNOW about my past and still find me trustworthy because they have gotten to know me (I'm very loyal) and understand I would never involve myself in an affair again.

 

Once again, I value your perspective on the matter and it gives me insight into how I might handle it (disclosure) in the future - take care .

[Iguanna]

When you meet someone you are not "selling" your past relationships, your mistakes, your sins, your misjudgements but you are "selling" your self DESPITE and THROUGH these relationships, mistakes, sins and misjudgements. You worry too much on how they will react to your past rather than promoting your present self. The past is the reason we are who we are today so if our partner wants to love us, they will love our choices of the past as well.

 

I hope you don't try to discredit yourself to women due to your past only to have an excuse why they don't like you. It's just a thought, I'm not saying you are doing it, but I'm just wondering. Don't. The woman who will accept who you are and love you for this no matter what will be able one day to hear this story of your past and she'll be willing to hear the whole story first before she judges you (that is if you really believe that you MUST be open to a woman you plan to spend your life with). In my opinion it's not necessary. She will love and accept who you are at the present, and that's enough.

[KathyM]

I couldn't agree more. My problem is with people expecting honesty and candidness from a partner without reciprocation. I mistakenly waited 10 months to tell my ex-girlfriend about my past. I wanted her to see the goodness in me without allowing my past to define who I am. I was rejected on every level for "Lying by Omission", yet I did not know every skeleton in her closet. Extreme hypocrisy is not an attractive trait .

Both people should be honest and forthcoming about their history if one or both feels past history is important to know. I personally think it is important information to know, and I venture to say most people do ask about relationship history early on in order to get to know a person and determine if he/she is someone they would want to invest their time in getting to know. When you say you lied by omission, you mean you were asked about your relationship history and did not disclose this? That was deceptive on your part, and manipulative. If she asked, you should have disclosed, or at least said you don't wish to discuss it, and then she can decide if she wants to continue the relationship with that knowledge, or lack thereof. As far as her disclosure, did you ask for disclosure, or are you just assuming there was something she didn't tell you that she should have? If she didn't disclose her relationship history when you asked for it, but yet expected you to disclose yours, then that would be hypocritical. It doesn't sound like that is what transpired.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you for this, Iquanna - I appreciate your kind words. My present self is doing well and I fully expect to meet some wonderful people in the future.

 

When you meet someone you are not "selling" your past relationships, your mistakes, your sins, your misjudgements but you are "selling" your self DESPITE and THROUGH these relationships, mistakes, sins and misjudgements. You worry too much on how they will react to your past rather than promoting your present self. The past is the reason we are who we are today so if our partner wants to love us, they will love our choices of the past as well.

 

I hope you don't try to discredit yourself to women due to your past only to have an excuse why they don't like you. It's just a thought, I'm not saying you are doing it, but I'm just wondering. Don't. The woman who will accept who you are and love you for this no matter what will be able one day to hear this story of your past and she'll be willing to hear the whole story first before she judges you (that is if you really believe that you MUST be open to a woman you plan to spend your life with). In my opinion it's not necessary. She will love and accept who you are at the present, and that's enough.

[Under The Radar]

If you have the time and the inclination the answer to your first question in the link from my OP. The short answer is that yes I did not share my past with her when there were discussions about previous relationships, but neither did she.

 

I found out about some unsavory skeletons in her closet some time later, but she never apologized to me for her dishonesty. You cannot abuse someone for "Lying by Omission" when you are hiding relevant pieces of information from your past. As you already know that is absolutely hypocritical.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I understand your reticence to engage someone with a past like that. Either a fear of being cheated on, lied to, or an overall malfunction in that person's ability to foster good judgment. It's funny because most people I interact with KNOW about my past and still find me trustworthy because they have gotten to know me (I'm very loyal) and understand I would never involve myself in an affair again.

 

I could be wrong, but I think you missed the point. The problem wouldn't be what you did, the problem would be that you feel like you have to disclose this info so soon.

 

At least that's what I got from it and agree with.

 

It's weird. It's not even something worth mentioning, ever. It's not dishonest to keep details of your past where they belong, in the past. Those things aren't as important as you're making it out to be.

[Under The Radar]

AShogunNamedMarcus,

 

I'm glad you chose to post. I have read several of your threads and advice to others on LS. I like your writing style and sense of humor.

 

As to the point of your message I definitely agree more than I disagree. However, from the many posts on this thread you can see that opinions on this topic vary.

 

The most important element of this for me is learning from my past mistakes and being HONEST with my SO. If I'm straight up asked a question in my next relationship I would answer it. If I'm still in the very early dating stages I might say it's not something I'd like to discuss at this time because we are just getting to know each other. HOWEVER, I have no problem telling you anything you wish to know about me in the future as we get closer.

 

We'll see - I don't need to have a plan written in stone. Once again, the most important aspect of building relationships to me is NOT to lie.

[KathyM]

If you have the time and the inclination the answer to your first question in the link from my OP. The short answer is that yes I did not share my past with her when there were discussions about previous relationships, but neither did she.

 

I found out about some unsavory skeletons in her closet some time later, but she never apologized to me for her dishonesty. You cannot abuse someone for "Lying by Omission" when you are hiding relevant pieces of information from your past. As you already know that is absolutely hypocritical.

So you were both dishonest with each other, and misled each other. No wonder the relationship ended. Would you have wanted it to continue and be based on a lie? Next time, when you discuss past relationships with a prospective girlfriend, I would suggest you be honest about it.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

AShogunNamedMarcus,

 

I'm glad you chose to post. I have read several of your threads and advice to others on LS. I like your writing style and sense of humor.

 

As to the point of your message I definitely agree more than I disagree. However, from the many posts on this thread you can see that opinions on this topic vary.

 

The most important element of this for me is learning from my past mistakes and being HONEST with my SO. If I'm straight up asked a question in my next relationship I would answer it. If I'm still in the very early dating stages I might say it's not something I'd like to discuss at this time because we are just getting to know each other. HOWEVER, I have no problem telling you anything you wish to know about me in the future as we get closer.

 

We'll see - I don't need to have a plan written in stone. Once again, the most important aspect of building relationships to me is NOT to lie.

 

Thanks for the compliment!

 

I get what you're saying and you should not lie about it. I just don't see you getting asked that specific question of "Have you ever been with a married woman?"

 

Without that question, I wouldn't volunteer anything like that unless I'd been married for awhile or at least know this person wouldn't leave when times got tough. I'm very careful about what I tell people when it comes to past mistakes, but then again I bet my skeletons can kick your skeleton's ass . You just never know if someone's capable of trying to use that info against you. I think you should build the kind of trust that lasts through thick and thin before you reveal something that personal.

[KathyM]

Thanks for the compliment!

 

I get what you're saying and you should not lie about it. I just don't see you getting asked that specific question of "Have you ever been with a married woman?"

 

Without that question, I wouldn't volunteer anything like that unless I'd been married for awhile or at least know this person wouldn't leave when times got tough. I'm very careful about what I tell people when it comes to past mistakes, but then again I bet my skeletons can kick your skeleton's ass . You just never know if someone's capable of trying to use that info against you. I think you should build the kind of trust that lasts through thick and thin before you reveal something that personal.

Being dishonest about one's past destroys trust. You can't build trust on a lie. Trust will be destroyed when his girlfriend finds out he lied about his past. And a lie of omission is also a lie. If a person asks about relationship history, then the person asked should disclose it. Just because she didn't word it specifically for every given situation doesn't mean that it shouldn't be disclosed. That would be deceptive to not disclose while pretending to her that you have disclosed.

 

So you would really pretend to be someone you are not, and fail to disclose information that was asked, and manipulate a woman into marrying you based on false information. I feel sorry for any woman you would trick into marrying you.

[todreaminblue]

Daisy 2013,

 

I would want my future partner to know about me and where I came from. I am not 25 anymore, but soon to be 40. I am not even close to the same man I was back then ...... and I considered myself loyal and kind hearted then. However, I was much less mature and experienced than I am now.

 

Isn't honesty and communication the foundation of any meaningful relationship? What would I tell her if we were watching a movie and infidelity occurred as part of the plot and she sighs in disgust or asks me would I ever do that?

 

 

some guy took me to see pretty woman when i was dating him when i was younger.......

 

i started laughing during it.......he asked me why so i told him ...it isnt pretty hooking.......i wasnt laughing because i thought it was funny.....later that night i told him my history...and how hard it was for me to get away from it, the abuse that becomes common place.......and at the time i was small.....pocket size deb......he found it hard to believe...so i took him to meet my friends.......i ended up breaking up with him because his mother had just lost her husband and she needed her son.......she found me a threat and her deeply religious vies would have been a problem waiting to happen.....he begged me to stay ......i couldnt split a family.......he told me i could always call him if i changed my mind......i never did......

 

 

one thing i do is disclose my past even though the majority occurred as a street kid and when i was a child........i feel it gives insight to me and the way i am .....forgiving is a trait i hold close, for sure forgiving of peoples history........

 

 

 

i think you should tell your sexual history i think it is one thing that needs to be told.......it would be unfair and dishonest to be with someone who finds that sort of history to be a deal breaker...in my opinion.....and they need to have that choice of whether to forgive or not.....

 

 

 

if they walk away its better they walk away from being told by you than someone else...which is always a possibility i have been outed before.......i will not let that happen again.......if they walk they walk with well wishes from me...if they stay ...they have my loyalty....and my love......deb

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Being dishonest about one's past destroys trust. You can't build trust on a lie. Trust will be destroyed when his girlfriend finds out he lied about his past. And a lie of omission is also a lie. If a person asks about relationship history, then the person asked should disclose it. Just because she didn't word it specifically for every given situation doesn't mean that it shouldn't be disclosed. That would be deceptive to not disclose while pretending to her that you have disclosed.

 

So you would really pretend to be someone you are not, and fail to disclose information that was asked, and manipulate a woman into marrying you based on false information. I feel sorry for any woman you would trick into marrying you.

 

You haven't convinced me that not volunteering that information is a lie. If someone asks you if you've been with a married person, tell the truth. If they don't then what is the purpose of telling them that? Even if it's a discussion about relationship history, why is it necessary to point out that the person was married? What purpose does it serve and where would the disclosure need to stop? What else do you think is important for someone to admit to before they can be in a trusting relationship not "built on lies?"

 

It's not wise to go around airing your dirty laundry to someone you don't know if you can trust in 5 years.