How does a truly confident man handle rejection?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ahh, okay. I guess I would see a problem if I was actively looking for a relationship, you know? Then I would have my concerns. If I told myself I want to settle down and find a girlfriend, but wasn't finding one, then I guess I'd worry.

 

Some days I think about what it would be like to have one, you know? Sometimes the idea tickles me. But I have not really gone out looking for that. I take the world as it comes. When the powers that be put that dream girl in my path, I will not squander it.

 

But as far as issues go, I guess we all have them in one form or another right? We all joined here for a reason

 

Throwing concepts like "the perfect girl" and "the dream girl" around shows how much you still have to learn about life. There is no such thing as the dream girl.

[MrCastle]

Throwing concepts like "the perfect girl" and "the dream girl" around shows how much you still have to learn about life. There is no such thing as the dream girl.

 

Mmm...perfect girl objectively? No, of course not. Perfect girl for me personally? Absolutely. I mean what are we doing this for...this whole dating thing, if that's not the end game? To find your other half? I mean how many people got married because "screw it, this is the best I'm gonna find."

 

Not very romantic yeah?

 

Of course this person will have flaws, but flaws you can accept. Flaws you can tolerate. Whatever that may be to you personally. We all decide what we want, what we can handle, what we can't handle, and find someone who meets that criteria.

 

Shoot, sometimes someone comes into our life that makes us break those rules and makes us fall for them even though we didn't plan on being with someone like them.

 

Life is funny like that. Or at least, I'd like to think so.

 

So in a way, you're right -- there is no "perfect" person. But I'd venture to say there is someone out there who is perfect for us individually.

 

Pretty sappy for a guy who has only done casual stuff but I truly believe it.

[string of letters]

It seems that women can smell a lack of confidence like dogs can smell fear, so a question for the ladies.

 

I'm not trying to be provocative, but do you actually think that women have special skills at detecting a lack of confidence that males do not? I know that this idea is floating around in pop culture, but if you think about it for a while, it may not make all that much sense. Straight guys don't have other straight guys becoming 'nervous' while trying to 'approach' them, so in that respect they see certain varieties of lack of confidence less than ladies do but... is there an actual difference in their perceptual abilities? I'm not trying to change anyone's opinion, I just think the question deserves consideration.

 

Just for the record, my views on gender relations would strongly be described as 'egalitarian'.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Mmm...perfect girl objectively? No, of course not. Perfect girl for me personally? Absolutely. I mean what are we doing this for...this whole dating thing, if that's not the end game? To find your other half? I mean how many people got married because "screw it, this is the best I'm gonna find."

 

Not very romantic yeah?

 

Of course this person will have flaws, but flaws you can accept. Flaws you can tolerate. Whatever that may be to you personally. We all decide what we want, what we can handle, what we can't handle, and find someone who meets that criteria.

 

Shoot, sometimes someone comes into our life that makes us break those rules and makes us fall for them even though we didn't plan on being with someone like them.

 

Life is funny like that. Or at least, I'd like to think so.

 

So in a way, you're right -- there is no "perfect" person. But I'd venture to say there is someone out there who is perfect for us individually.

 

Pretty sappy for a guy who has only done casual stuff but I truly believe it.

 

And you still haven't met anyone like that in 26 years? Nobody like that crossed your path?

 

Oh yeah I remember you met one but she was married.

 

To commitment phobes, perfect girls are always the unavailable ones

[MrCastle]

And you still haven't met anyone like that in 26 years? Nobody like that crossed your path?

 

Oh yeah I remember you met one but she was married.

 

To commitment phobes, perfect girls are always the unavailable ones

 

I wouldn't say 26 years. I don't think I came out of the womb looking to get married .

 

But you're older, and you know better than I. Finding someone you can relate to for the long term is hard work. You've had one LTR guy with whom you lived with right? So 1 to my 0? Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Now maybe you had several semi-long term bfs before that or what have you but I think the fact remains, you are in the same position I am. You currently are not in a LTR with someone you deem perfect for you. Neither am I. The only difference between us is I don't care about not having someone at the moment because I'm not consciously looking for that.

 

Dating/love/relationships are a tricky game. Because you can only control 50% of the outcome. At the end of the day, the other person has to approve of you in order to form a relationship. So between rejecting girls, being rejected by girls, and not finding a girl that feels as crazy about you as you do about her or vice versa -- it's not easy. Not in the slightest. For anybody.

 

You can have all the skills needed to be good at short term casual dating, but that won't help you in the true love department. Love is a force which you don't plan for. Something where you can't decide when to let it happen. It just happens.

 

You just hold out hope that at some level, you find that person.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I wouldn't say 26 years. I don't think I came out of the womb looking to get married .

 

But you're older, and you know better than I. Finding someone you can relate to for the long term is hard work. You've had one LTR guy with whom you lived with right? So 1 to my 0? Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Now maybe you had several semi-long term bfs before that or what have you but I think the fact remains, you are in the same position I am. You currently are not in a LTR with someone you deem perfect for you. Neither am I. The only difference between us is I don't care about not having someone at the moment because I'm not consciously looking for that.

 

Dating/love/relationships are a tricky game. Because you can only control 50% of the outcome. At the end of the day, the other person has to approve of you in order to form a relationship. So between rejecting girls, being rejected by girls, and not finding a girl that feels as crazy about you as you do about her or vice versa -- it's not easy. Not in the slightest. For anybody.

 

You can have all the skills needed to be good at short term casual dating, but that won't help you in the true love department. Love is a force which you don't plan for. Something where you can't decide when to let it happen. It just happens.

 

You just hold out hope that at some level, you find that person.

 

 

I have had quite a few boyfriends that lasted anywhere from 6-18 months. That is exclusive, committed relationships and not counting the guy I lived with. I learned something from each of them.

 

I have all the right tools at my disposal not to screw up when I meet the right guy for me. You don't. That's the big difference between us. Even if you met the most perfect girl right now, you wouldn't know how to go about keeping her. Relationships take experience, just like anything else in life. As such a late starter, you are already at a huge disadvantage compared to other guys your age.

[Emilia]

For example if a confident guy asks you out, and you aren't interested for whatever reason, what is his response after getting the "No"?

Nothing.

 

 

____+_

[MrCastle]

I have had quite a few boyfriends that lasted anywhere from 6-18 months. That is exclusive, committed relationships and not counting the guy I lived with. I learned something from each of them.

 

I have all the right tools at my disposal not to screw up when I meet the right guy for me. You don't. That's the big difference between us. Even if you met the most perfect girl right now, you wouldn't know how to go about keeping her. Relationships take experience, just like anything else in life. As such a late starter, you are already at a huge disadvantage compared to other guys your age.

 

It's strange then that my friends, most of whom are in LTRs, come to me for advice and not fellow friends who are also in LTRs. I'm a firm believer in smarts over experience in many cases in life. I don't need to experience garbage to know it when I see it. If I meet a girl and there's no spark, I know enough to not get seriously involved with her, and cause a mess.

 

I also don't believe relationships are these complicated entities in which experience is your only weapon. There are plenty of guys who are/were late bloomers who I think would make great boyfriends once they find the right girl. Wholigan comes to mind. Someone who has not had a LTR but has the mindset and the heart to make it work.

 

For all this experience you claim to have, you currently are in the same boat as me, a rookie.

 

I think it's more about finding the right person for you than it is going through numerous dead end relationships. In my opinion of course.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's strange then that my friends, most of whom are in LTRs, come to me for advice and not fellow friends who are also in LTRs. I'm a firm believer in smarts over experience in many cases in life. I don't need to experience garbage to know it when I see it. If I meet a girl and there's no spark, I know enough to not get seriously involved with her, and cause a mess.

 

I also don't believe relationships are these complicated entities in which experience is your only weapon. There are plenty of guys who are/were late bloomers who I think would make great boyfriends once they find the right girl. Wholigan comes to mind. Someone who has not had a LTR but has the mindset and the heart to make it work.

 

For all this experience you claim to have, you currently are in the same boat as me, a rookie.

 

I think it's more about finding the right person for you than it is going through numerous dead end relationships. In my opinion of course.

 

No we are in very different boats. A rookie? I think not.

 

Were you great in bed the first time around? I don't think so.

 

Your whole post just proves my point. Your immaturity really shows :/

[MrCastle]

No we are in very different boats. A rookie? I think not.

 

Were you great in bed the first time around? I don't think so.

 

Your whole post just proves my point. Your immaturity really shows :/

 

Ehhh that's a whole different argument in itself but of which I have the same beliefs. Some people are naturals and some aren't. I'm pretty sure not every virgin who had sex for the first time had a comedy of errors. But that's way off topic. Even further than we are right now

 

We are in the same boat. Technically. Relationship wise we are. But our reasons are different. Both of us are single. Difference is, you don't want to be, and I do.

 

As far as this experience thing goes, again, sure it counts for something, but it's not the be all, end all. It is one piece of a larger puzzle. Knowing what you can handle, knowing what you want in another human being, etc are vital to forming healthy relationships and that comes from within. You know deep down what those things are.

 

Relationships fail because they're bad. Not because one person had "more experience" or "less experience" than the other. Incompatibility, infidelity, loss of passion -- these are things that kill relationships. Not experience.

 

When the girl I'm looking for meets me, I'll know it, and she'll know it, and we will work together on our relationship because that's what true love is. Compromise, understanding, trust, etc. If I am inexperienced, as you say, hopefully she'll look past that and help me grow as a person. Help us grow as a couple. Every new relationship presents its own challenges, so experience does not count for everything, because every relationship is a unique one.

Edited November 25, 2013 by MrCastle

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ehhh that's a whole different argument in itself but of which I have the same beliefs. Some people are naturals and some aren't. I'm pretty sure not every virgin who had sex for the first time had a comedy of errors. But that's way off topic. Even further than we are right now

 

We are in the same boat. Technically. Relationship wise we are. But our reasons are different. Both of us are single. Difference is, you don't want to be, and I do.

 

As far as this experience thing goes, again, sure it counts for something, but it's not the be all, end all. It is one piece of a larger puzzle. Knowing what you can handle, knowing what you want in another human being, etc are vital to forming healthy relationships and that comes from within. You know deep down what those things are.

 

Relationships fail because they're bad. Not because one person had "more experience" or "less experience" than the other. Incompatibility, infidelity, loss of passion -- these are things that kill relationships. Not experience.

 

When the girl I'm looking for meets me, I'll know it, and she'll know it, and we will work together on our relationship because that's what true love is. Compromise, understanding, trust, etc. If I am inexperienced, as you say, hopefully she'll look past that and help me grow as a person. Help us grow as a couple.

 

Please - we are not in the same boat so stop insulting me.

 

For example, you say that relationships fail due to loss of passion. If you actually ever had a relationship you would know that after some time, the passion is lost even in the most passionate couple. It waxes and wanes and relationship evolves into something deeper but less passionate.

 

Now you, having no experience would think that loss of passion is "the end" and are likely to bail on the perfectly good relationship. This is just one of many, many mistakes people with no experience make.

[MrCastle]

Please - we are not in the same boat so stop insulting me.

 

For example, you say that relationships fail due to loss of passion. If you actually ever had a relationship you would know that after some time, the passion is lost even in the most passionate couple. It waxes and wanes and relationship evolves into something deeper but less passionate.

 

Now you, having no experience would think that loss of passion is "the end" and are likely to bail on the perfectly good relationship. This is just one of many, many mistakes people with no experience make.

 

Sorry for my wording. Loss of passion meaning loss of love. Meaning the person is losing interest in the other. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that point.

 

Some people fall out of love. It happens. For whatever reason, it just does. That's what I was getting at.

 

As far as insulting, I don't know. Have you read your posts?

 

In any event -- I am not looking for anyone right now. This kind of stuff has no bearing on my real life. If I meet a girl, great, if not, that's fine too. And as I said, the woman I meet -- this woman who falls in love with me, and I her, will work through any issues we may have. If it is true love, and it's meant to be, we're gonna do what we can to keep our relationship alive. Continue to strengthen it. Grow old together. Be one together.

 

But, as it stands, I'm not out here looking for that, I have yet to meet her, and I'm very happy with where I'm at dating wise.

 

If there comes a time, as you suggest, where I will have to answer for my lack of relationships -- where my lack of experience will be the cause of my heart break, so be it. We all have to start somewhere, right?

 

It is 7 am here in NY and this will get deleted in the morning. Good talk ES. I hope you find your guy. I know how much you want to find him and I know he is out there for you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Writing threads about being borderline depressed, having quater life crisis etc sounds far from very happy to me. But hey, who am I to stand in the way of self delusion

[MrCastle]

Writing threads about being borderline depressed, having quater life crisis etc sounds far from very happy to me. But hey, who am I to stand in the way of self delusion

 

That quarter life thread was made a year ago when I turned 25

 

Now my threads are about football and cupcakes. Things are going swell thank you very much

 

Haha take it easy ES. Night night.

Edited November 25, 2013 by MrCastle

[Eternal Sunshine]

That quarter life thread was made a year ago when I turned 25

 

Now my threads are about football and cupcakes. Things are going swell thank you very much

 

Haha take it easy ES. Night night.

 

Depression thread was very recent. Good game though.

 

Night.

[MrCastle]

Depression thread was very recent. Good game though.

 

Night.

 

Ahh you're talking about my snapping out of a funk thread which I made last month. Yeah school is sucky. Nothing changed there. What can you do. I mean besides watch football and eat cupcakes

 

But dating wise...can't complain

 

Sorry to OP for taking this thread off topic and possibly getting it locked. My bad.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ahh you're talking about my snapping out of a funk thread which I made last month. Yeah school is sucky. Nothing changed there. What can you do. I mean besides watch football and eat cupcakes

 

But dating wise...can't complain

 

Sorry to OP for taking this thread off topic and possibly getting it locked. My bad.

 

Again, who am I to stand in the way of self delusion. Enjoy

[Ninjainpajamas]

Hey stfu you two! private message that shiznit!

 

I want to reply to the OP

 

I would say that confidence does not mean you don't have any feelings...of course you are going to feel hurt from rejection if it was someone you were really interested in or even thought was just an amazing woman. It really depends on the situation however, or circumstances.

 

If it's someone I hardly know, then no I'm not going to give a shet, I'll just bow out and be polite about it then move on and forget she ever existed if that was the case. If it's someone I've gotten to know for example and then mysteriously they never call me back or contact me again and we've spent a significant time together, that'll have more sting but I'd get over it too...if it was really out of line and inappropriate or into disrespectful then I'd dish it out...I tell people how it is in real life just like I do on here, I speak my mind...but I'm speaking in theory here because that hasn't happened to me out of dating or anything but if I'm disrespected in some way I will speak up about it guaranteed.

 

But I really think confidence is about being able to handle rejection and still keep moving on, still being able to believe in yourself in spite of having to trod through thick muddy waters time to time or facing failure...having confidence doesn't mean things will always go your way or that you should never fail again....it's not this magic card that turns an loss into a win.

 

It doesn't make you bad @ss either pretending your stone cold, it's ok to go through those emotions before regaining your bearings, just don't act out on them...sometimes you really don't care, and sometimes it might suck...you're human.

 

With that being said I don't face rejection very often, particularly with women because I don't often pursue women very intently...my worries are not concerned with women as much as they are with other areas of my life that I am doing to challenge myself and my confidence, pushing myself out of my comfort zone by exploiting my own weaknesses...so I suppose it's easier to deal with everything else when your main focus and emotional investment is not staked in those other things, they just roll off your shoulder if they don't work out.

 

When I do face rejection/failure at whatever it is I'm doing or where that come from...I do feel bad about it but once my emotions have stopped clouding my judgment I think about what maybe I could have done differently or where I might have went wrong, I know reacting in that moment won't do me any good and that's where a lot of people slip up...I wait it out, then come back composed and stronger, and often times just by doing that in my life I have succeeded greatly, overshadowing/recovering from a loss as I'm a very determined person so whenever something doesn't work out for me I feel it's only temporary.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hey stfu you two! private message that shiznit!

 

I want to reply to the OP

 

I would say that confidence does not mean you don't have any feelings...of course you are going to feel hurt from rejection if it was someone you were really interested in or even thought was just an amazing woman. It really depends on the situation however, or circumstances.

 

If it's someone I hardly know, then no I'm not going to give a shet, I'll just bow out and be polite about it then move on and forget she ever existed if that was the case. If it's someone I've gotten to know for example and then mysteriously they never call me back or contact me again and we've spent a significant time together, that'll have more sting but I'd get over it too...if it was really out of line and inappropriate or into disrespectful then I'd dish it out...I tell people how it is in real life just like I do on here, I speak my mind...but I'm speaking in theory here because that hasn't happened to me out of dating or anything but if I'm disrespected in some way I will speak up about it guaranteed.

 

But I really think confidence is about being able to handle rejection and still keep moving on, still being able to believe in yourself in spite of having to trod through thick muddy waters time to time or facing failure...having confidence doesn't mean things will always go your way or that you should never fail again....it's not this magic card that turns an loss into a win.

 

It doesn't make you bad @ss either pretending your stone cold, it's ok to go through those emotions before regaining your bearings, just don't act out on them...sometimes you really don't care, and sometimes it might suck...you're human.

 

With that being said I don't face rejection very often, particularly with women because I don't often pursue women very intently...my worries are not concerned with women as much as they are with other areas of my life that I am doing to challenge myself and my confidence, pushing myself out of my comfort zone by exploiting my own weaknesses...so I suppose it's easier to deal with everything else when your main focus and emotional investment is not staked in those other things, they just roll off your shoulder if they don't work out.

 

When I do face rejection/failure at whatever it is I'm doing or where that come from...I do feel bad about it but once my emotions have stopped clouding my judgment I think about what maybe I could have done differently or where I might have went wrong, I know reacting in that moment won't do me any good and that's where a lot of people slip up...I wait it out, then come back composed and stronger, and often times just by doing that in my life I have succeeded greatly, overshadowing/recovering from a loss as I'm a very determined person so whenever something doesn't work out for me I feel it's only temporary.

 

Good post.

 

I think everybody faces loss and rejection in so many aspects of life. Being successful in life is not measured how often you get rejected but what you do after it. Being resilient is a great quality in anyone.

 

I used to make mistakes (and sometimes still do) to react impulsively in the heat of the moment and then the next day I often go "WTF was I thinking". So now my trick is to just do nothing...let emotions wash over me. They are temporary. Once you get more life experiece, you learn to put them in context.

 

I still vividly remember my last big romantic romantic rejection. It happened in Fabruary 2011. I never saw it coming. I was in a highly passionate relationship with a guy for 2 months. The best sex of my life. I was hooked. Completely out of the blue he told me it's over (after previously promised me the moon). I was gutted. I remember not getting out of bed for days. I wrote him many desperate messages *cringe*. I literally felt my life was over. Less than 2 weeks later, a friend practically dragged me to a party where I met a man whom I was with for a long time and nearly married. The man that rejected me has now faded to nothing in my mind.

 

Bottom line is to understand how temporary all emotions are, good or bad. Ride the wave and keep going.

[Emilia]

So now my trick is to just do nothing...let emotions wash over me. They are temporary. Once you get more life experiece, you learn to put them in context.

......

 

Bottom line is to understand how temporary all emotions are, good or bad. Ride the wave and keep going.

Agree 100%. It becomes much easier with experience. The 'this too shall pass' aspect.

[Imported]

Good post.

 

I think everybody faces loss and rejection in so many aspects of life. Being successful in life is not measured how often you get rejected but what you do after it. Being resilient is a great quality in anyone.

 

I used to make mistakes (and sometimes still do) to react impulsively in the heat of the moment and then the next day I often go "WTF was I thinking". So now my trick is to just do nothing...let emotions wash over me. They are temporary. Once you get more life experiece, you learn to put them in context.

 

I still vividly remember my last big romantic romantic rejection. It happened in Fabruary 2011. I never saw it coming. I was in a highly passionate relationship with a guy for 2 months. The best sex of my life. I was hooked. Completely out of the blue he told me it's over (after previously promised me the moon). I was gutted. I remember not getting out of bed for days. I wrote him many desperate messages *cringe*. I literally felt my life was over. Less than 2 weeks later, a friend practically dragged me to a party where I met a man whom I was with for a long time and nearly married. The man that rejected me has now faded to nothing in my mind.

 

Bottom line is to understand how temporary all emotions are, good or bad. Ride the wave and keep going.

 

I'd just promise you tomorrow. But the day after tomorrow, who knows.

 

Also, I think all your prior post here slamming guys for not taking it personally if they are rejected as being "not confident", I don't think you understand. I think you're comparing apples to oranges. I think guys here or at least me, were talking about coming up on a girl and asking her out and how we handle rejection in that case. Not a worldwind romance of two months. If it was two months, I'd be like...hate to see you go, but do as you feel in your heart or some stupid **** like that . No seriously, I'd be sad.

[StanMusial]

Really confident? A relaxed, "ok, we'll see about that".

 

"....I have guns. I know where you live girl."

[Phantom888]

I have been rejected after a few 1st dates. It kinda sucks, but I knew during the date that there's minimal chemistry, and often my date beat me to the rejection. I simply tell them, "Thank you. It was great having dinner with you... I would love to be friends and stay in touch." But i never stay in touch.