How does a truly confident man handle rejection?

November 25, 2013

She wanted to make sure you went away, I'm guessing?

You're guessing, yes.

I'm seeing a lot of this response in the thread. Basically the only acceptable response to being told no is "OK, I didn't care about you at all anyway, I'm just looking for something to do this weekend."
Me bitter? Nah.

How do you really care about a girl you don't know? I mean, beyond hoping she has a good life and nothing bad happens to her?

I don't burn bridges without good reason. A girl saying no to me is not going to make me bitter at her. I have had girls say no and then change their minds later to wanting me after all. I don't really go up to girls unless I am fairly certain they are interested in me. I am usually right, I think even in the cases where the girl rejects me. I think sometimes, even when a girl is interested, she needs time to think and she can have that time and get back to me later if she wants. It's not a big deal.

November 25, 2013

I don't believe in any relationship reaching real, amicable end. I don't see it as a natural progress of things. Any person that thinks that simply doesn't care which goes back to Johan's point.

If I say that my relationship with X run it's course and it's for the best, it means that I have emotionally checked out a while ago and thus don't care.

November 25, 2013

I don't believe in any relationship reaching real, amicable end. I don't see it as a natural progress of things. Any person that thinks that simply doesn't care which goes back to Johan's point.

If I say that my relationship with X run it's course and it's for the best, it means that I have emotionally checked out a while ago and thus don't care.

But you don't care because you're confident.

Plenty of people "check out" of a relationship emotionally but don't leave their SO because their self esteem is low, and they don't think they'll find someone else.

They know deep down they should leave the relationship, but they just can't do it.

A confident person says, you know what? This is over. I had fun, but this thing isn't going anywhere. They feel that way because they know, sooner or later, they'll find another person. The world didn't end for them.

November 25, 2013

What about something like:

"Well, you are so great/beautiful/sexy/funny etc... that I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't at least try".

If a guy said this I think me and most of my friends would give him a second look. I like this response. A lot.

November 25, 2013

honestly if the guy acts mad, which does happen, or says something like "Well I didn't really want to go out with you anyway, " I would think they were douches and be so glad I didn't go out with someone bitter, angry and easily hurt. There are all kinds of reasons why girls won't go out with guys that has nothing personal to do with a guy. I had a guy ask me out right after my grandma died and I was still sad and I said "I am sorry, I am not dating right now for personal reasons," because I didn't want to get into the whole granny thing at Starbucks and he said, "F You, you uppity b*tch." I just burst out crying because my granny's funeral had been two days before and I was very tender.

November 25, 2013

A truly confident man doesn't even acknowledge the rejection.

This is how it's done.

If she comes back, use as a piece off ass if it's offered but nothing more.

November 25, 2013

It took awhile to get to that point but back in the old days I used to smile, say 'Thanks, it was worth a shot!' and move on. However, most of my rejections were 'That's sweet but I'm married', so perhaps different from what's being dealt with here. A lot of women didn't wear wedding rings and still don't, surprisingly.

"It was worth a shot" is always a nice response too. Simple and yet elegant.

November 25, 2013

I don't think so. It sounds like an apology to me. Would someone say that to get a yes? I don't think it would work. I think they would just get shut down a second time, a little more smugly than the first.

But I don't think there would be anything wrong with that response.

If the guy said this and I had been on the fence about his looks, I would say yes afterwards because he isn't an insecure jerk, and I would think ptp's answer charming. So, I think it is a good response.

November 25, 2013

But you don't care because you're confident.

Plenty of people "check out" of a relationship emotionally but don't leave their SO because their self esteem is low, and they don't think they'll find someone else.

They know deep down they should leave the relationship, but they just can't do it.

A confident person says, you know what? This is over. I had fun, but this thing isn't going anywhere. They feel that way because they know, sooner or later, they'll find another person. The world didn't end for them.

I disagree. You don't care because you are not emotionally invested. It has nothing to do with confidence.

If you say "I will find another person" and "plenty of fish in the sea", if you genuinely think that than you didn't care about the original person. You make it seem like women come on a conveyor belt every one replaceable with the next. It's a sad mind set that has nothing to do with confidence.

November 25, 2013

Well said HoneyBadger. Those men that let good women go will have their regrets. It may be many years before they find a next good one that returns their feelings.

It's almost like holding a winning lottery ticket then throwing it into a rubbish bin.

November 25, 2013

Unfortunately, in our culture, displaying these self-doubts are considered to be a sign of weakness and are believed to be unattractive.

I actually hate is. One of the most unattractive traits in this society seems to lack of confidence. I much prefer modest people. Those that admit to doubts and weaknesses.

November 25, 2013

Well said HoneyBadger. Those men that let good women go will have their regrets. It may be many years before they find a next good one that returns their feelings.

It's almost like holding a winning lottery ticket then throwing it into a rubbish bin.

Sounds extreme. I'm glad I don't see things that way.

November 25, 2013

Aren't you the guy that often complains that there aren't really decent girls around because they're all in relationships (I've seen you say it before, but not recently)?[/Quote]

Girls that are perfect for me? That are 100% absolutely compatible? Of course that's rare. That's rare for everybody.

Why do you think that it is?[/Quote]

Why do I think it's hard to find a perfect match? Because it's. Perfect match.

This reminds me of something I used to come across when I was into PUA. A lot of those guys rail against being in a "scarcity mindset". Well, most guys are in that mindset. Why? Because it's what's happening. There aren't many quality women left in the west....and even fewer that are single.

IMO, the scarcity mindset and prevalent and justified.

I'm not someone who thinks most women are crappy people so I better hold on to the first decent one that comes my way. Part of the reason I won't settle down anytime soon is because of the amount of cool chicks out there to get to know.

As I get older, I start to realize I like all different kinds of women. Physically and personality wise.

I think it's dangerous to think if you break up with a really cool person, that's it for you. That it'll be quite some time before you find that again. I'm an optimist. The way I see it is "well, I had fun, she was a great girl, but I know I'll find another girl soon."

Thinking that this girl is your last shot at something real or the last great person you're gonna meet for a while is dangerous. Not to mention you'll be using them as the bench mark in which to compare future dates to, and that's not fair.

Every person has their own set of pros and cons. If it didn't work out, there was a reason why. You shouldn't dwell and prop this person up as a perfect individual in which you won't meet another one again. Your mentality should be "he/she's shown me that awesome people really do exist. They can't be the only one out there."

November 25, 2013

I think it depends on the guy and how strong his feelings are.

I think it takes real confidence to be genuine and vulnerable.

So, if you were really into someone, I think it's OK to say, "that's a shame. I can't say I'm thrilled but I'm glad you were honest." If I'm really smitten, I might add "mind if I try to change your mind?" in a somewhat joking manner (though I've tended to avoid this as I get older as it seems like a waist of energy).

Or if you're less into someone, I think it's cool to say, "Well, I had to give it a shot because I think you're really awesome." I like this because it's true and I think it's classy to be confident enough to pay someone a compliment in the face of rejection. It doesn't mean I'm going to follow them around like a sad puppy afterwards (or even ever ask them out again) but what's wrong with being positive?

Finally, if I'm really not that interested then I'm more likely to simply say, "Ok, no worries" and leave it at that.

November 25, 2013

Girls that are perfect for me? That are 100% absolutely compatible? Of course that's rare. That's rare for everybody.

Why do I think it's hard to find a perfect match? Because it's a perfect match.

I'm not someone who thinks most women are crappy people so I better hold on to the first decent one that comes my way. Part of the reason I won't settle down anytime soon is because of the amount of cool chicks out there to get to know.

As I get older, I start to realize I like all different kinds of women. Physically and personality wise.

I think it's dangerous to think if you break up with a really cool person, that's it for you. That it'll be quite some time before you find that again. I'm an optimist. The way I see it is "well, I had fun, she was a great girl, but I know I'll find another girl soon."

Thinking that this girl is your last shot at something real or the last great person you're gonna meet for a while is dangerous. Not to mention you'll be using them as the bench mark in which to compare future dates to, and that's not fair.

Every person has their own set of pros and cons. If it didn't work out, there was a reason why. You shouldn't dwell and prop this person up as a perfect individual in which you won't meet another one again. Your mentality should be "he/she's shown me that awesome people really do exist. They can't be the only one out there."

Fixed it. Sorry, typing on my phone.

November 25, 2013

I think it depends on the guy and how strong his feelings are.

I think it takes real confidence to be genuine and vulnerable.

So, if you were really into someone, I think it's OK to say, "that's a shame. I can't say I'm thrilled but I'm glad you were honest." If I'm really smitten, I might add "mind if I try to change your mind?" in a somewhat joking manner (though I've tended to avoid this as I get older as it seems like a waist of energy).

Or if you're less into someone, I think it's cool to say, "Well, I had to give it a shot because I think you're really awesome." I like this because it's true and I think it's classy to be confident enough to pay someone a compliment in the face of rejection. It doesn't mean I'm going to follow them around like a sad puppy afterwards (or even ever ask them out again) but what's wrong with being positive?

Finally, if I'm really not that interested then I'm more likely to simply say, "Ok, no worries" and leave it at that.

Exactly this. I don't agree that all rejections need to end in heartbreak and pain. You can learn from them, you can see the bright side of things. I see nothing wrong with acknowledging you liked the person, felt a connection, but in the end, it wasn't meant to be. And in meeting this awesome person, you realize it's a big world out there and they can't be the only ones out there like that.

November 25, 2013

So again, I don't know if this is related to the OP because I think that's more of a one time thing. Like you ask someone out and they say no. But then the convo turned to relationships -- what I'm saying is, yes, you acknowledge that what happened sucks. You just don't dwell on it. You don't tell yourself "oh no! i'll never find another one like them!" You tell yourself "you know what? I have a lot to offer. This situation didn't work out for x reasons. That's life. But I know I'm a quality person and I will find another person at some point."

I think that's a healthier, more optimistic way of viewing things. You're confident that somewhere down the line, you'll meet another great person.

It's not that you don't care about that first person anymore, or you never did -- it's just that you realize it was not meant to be, but they are an awesome person and so are you and things will work out better for both of you in the end.

November 25, 2013

So again, I don't know if this is related to the OP because I think that's more of a one time thing. Like you ask someone out and they say no. But then the convo turned to relationships -- what I'm saying is, yes, you acknowledge that what happened sucks. You just don't dwell on it. You don't tell yourself "oh no! i'll never find another one like them!" You tell yourself "you know what? I have a lot to offer. This situation didn't work out for x reasons. That's life. But I know I'm a quality person and I will find another person at some point."

I think that's a healthier, more optimistic way of viewing things. You're confident that somewhere down the line, you'll meet another great person.

It's not that you don't care about that first person anymore, or you never did -- it's just that you realize it was not meant to be, but they are an awesome person and so are you and things will work out better for both of you in the end.

When you truly care (general you) you sound and think way different. Once you don't that's the thought process. Scary this can hapen in the matter of few weeks. Once you mature you will see things very differently.

IMO you really need some relationship experience under your belt because the lack of it really shows

November 25, 2013

When you truly care (general you) you sound and think way different. Once you don't that's the thought process. Scary this can hapen in the matter of few weeks. Once you mature you will see things very differently. [/Quote]

It depends. If you're the one being rejected/dumped/cut off/etc, then wouldn't it stand to reason that the dumper is the one who doesn't care as much as they once did? I mean they're the ones who ended it, right?

So you have a few options. Two of which are 1.) Try to reason with them and get them to work things out 2.) if you've done that and they still won't budge, or if you don't want to do that, you accept things as they are.

I think of people as individuals, and so technically, you never will find another one like them, with the combination of qualities that they have, but that doesn't mean you are doomed to prolonged unhappiness.

You say, oh man, this girl was perfect, she was blonde haired and blue eyed and she liked the same movies I did and we had the same world views. I'm never gonna find that

Maybe true, but a month from now you may run into a green eyed red head who has different tastes in movies and it expands your horizons, or has different world views that gets you to see things in another light. And that difference is special. A new kind of special. Not the exact relationship you had with the first girl, but it is still fun and exciting and all those things, you know?

What you don't do, is harp on it until you find someone who is a carbon copy of the first girl, because that's impossible and you set yourself up for failure when you do that.

IMO you really need some relationship experience under your belt because the lack of it really shows

Haha. I'll work on that.

Edited November 25, 2013 by MrCastle

November 25, 2013

I see your point.

I can't imagine ever dumping someone that I genuinely cared about. When I find someone like that, I hold on for as long as possible.

As for relationship experience, just giving you a heads up - many girls will see a 26yo with only history of casual sex as a giant red flag.

November 25, 2013

I see your point.

I can't imagine ever dumping someone that I genuinely cared about. When I find someone like that, I hold on for as long as possible.

As for relationship experience, just giving you a heads up - many girls will see a 26yo with only history of casual sex as a giant red flag.

Thanks for your concern. I'll tell them what I always tell them when I'm asked about that. When I find the right girl, I'll settle down .

November 25, 2013

Thanks for your concern. I'll tell them what I always tell them when I'm asked about that. When I find the right girl, I'll settle down .

Not finding the right girl in 26 years points very strongly to there being something wrong. Either you go for girls that are out of your league and keep getting rejected or you are unable to form a close relationship with anyone, most likely due to commitment issues.

November 25, 2013

Not finding the right girl in 26 years points very strongly to there being something wrong. Either you go for girls that are out of your league and keep getting rejected or you are unable to form a close relationship with anyone, most likely due to commitment issues.

When did you find the right guy?

November 25, 2013

When did you find the right guy?

I didn't find the right guy to marry but I have certainly had relationships and even lived with someone.

I am not the saying that you should have found "the one" by 26. But to have ZERO relationship experience apart from (if I recall correctly) 2 weeks when you were 15 - points to something being off. Men are generally not self aware and try to place the blame externally but you really need to look within yourself and find out what your problem is. Because I can definitely tell you that there is a problem.

November 25, 2013

I didn't find the right guy to marry but I have certainly had relationships and even lived with someone.

I am not the saying that you should have found "the one" by 26. But to have ZERO relationship experience apart from (if I recall correctly) 2 weeks when you were 15 - points to something being off. Men are generally not self aware and try to place the blame externally but you really need to look within yourself and find out what your problem is. Because I can definitely tell you that there is a problem.

Ahh, okay. I guess I would see a problem if I was actively looking for a relationship, you know? Then I would have my concerns. If I told myself I want to settle down and find a girlfriend, but wasn't finding one, then I guess I'd worry.

Some days I think about what it would be like to have one, you know? Sometimes the idea tickles me. But I have not really gone out looking for that. I take the world as it comes. When the powers that be put that dream girl in my path, I will not squander it.

But as far as issues go, I guess we all have them in one form or another right? We all joined here for a reason

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