I am so into my professor

[Chattycathy]

Are you kidding me? You as a betrayed spouse truly think this makes a difference? You'd be helping this guy cheat on his wife, helping him spend time away from his wife and kids.

 

Doesn't matter what your intentions are either. Fact is, eventually she will find out..Just like you found out about your husband's affair.

You are absolutely right. I am ashamed of myself. Just lonely and always put everyone else before myself. Was thinking of putting myself above all else for once.

[happy stillmore]

I agree. 100%. You are better off alone than in a relationship with a married man. You feel like an option, not a priority. Feel like a liar, cheater. Insecure, always doubting whether he is going to leave (which in the end, they rarely leave their wife or children. Too much invested in their settled life to give up for an unknown like you.) All bad things.

[sweet_pea]

A lot of people aren't able to find compatible, available people to date. Just look at this board!

 

She said she's looking for friendship, not a relationship. So, find one in a single man. Or find some girlfriends to spend time with. Keep looking until you find the right person. Sorry, I just don't think that just because it's hard to find someone that is compatible with you that you should start an affair. Keep looking...

[CarrieT]

I was hoping I could get SOMEONE to see this from my point of view and give me the green light.

 

Not gonna happen….

 

Because too many of us have been cheated on and know how it hurts.

 

I also have been where you have been and thrown caution to the wind, disregarding how others might feel or who I might hurt.

 

And - in the end - *I* was the one that was hurt because I developed feelings for someone I couldn't have and was lonelier than I was beforehand.

 

Trust me; the loneliness you are feeling now is NOTHING compared to post-affair solitude.

[happy stillmore]

ChattyCathy,

 

You are human. It is normal to want to be loved and share your life with someone. Just keep up a positive view of life and you will emit positive vibrations to attract good people who are right for you. Good luck to you and your studies.

[Chattycathy]

I have plenty of friends; however, they are all married with kids and we hang out on those occasions. I never attend events that is a plus one because I don't have anyone. I have tried. I don't know if you are single but it aint easy. I just was giddy for the first time in 15 years.

[Chattycathy]

ChattyCathy,

 

You are human. It is normal to want to be loved and share your life with someone. Just keep up a positive view of life and you will emit positive vibrations to attract good people who are right for you. Good luck to you and your studies.

thank you.

[Grumpybutfun]

Cathy:

Thanks for this. I was always under the impression when teaching my classes that my older female students would never develop a crush on me because they are mature and well-adjusted. I guess I need to be more formal with them all, regardless of ages. I have been the recipient of unwanted attention from students before and I found it uncomfortable and irritating. Therefore, I will be as distant as possible while trying to engage them on the subjects.

Good to know,

Grumps

Grumps

[thinkingofhim]

You are absolutely right. I am ashamed of myself. Just lonely and always put everyone else before myself. Was thinking of putting myself above all else for once.

 

You've got it wrong.. NOT going after him IS putting yourself first! Being the other woman is not fun ... right now, I love my MM enough that all of the loneliness, jealousy, plans that fall through, etc, is worth it, but in the future, I don't know. It's HARD and not fun. I love him and have too much hope for the future to give him up now, but if I could go back and do it over again, I don't think I would have allowed myself to fall for him... *hugs* for you Cathy I truly believe you can find someone single and worth your time, where every happy moment won't have that shadow of guilt.

[threelaurels]

I teach college classes (still in grad school), and I would feel very uncomfortable if a student asked me to hang out outside of class. I have to maintain very strict boundaries with students as a part of my job. Even if they are a former student, they're still students to me. I have had students flirt with me, but I'm quick to shut them down. Haven't been asked on a date yet, but I'm sure it will eventually happen

[bentleychic]

I have plenty of friends; however, they are all married with kids and we hang out on those occasions. I never attend events that is a plus one because I don't have anyone. I have tried. I don't know if you are single but it aint easy. I just was giddy for the first time in 15 years.

Your feelings are real and valid.

 

I will say, again, if what you stated above is what you want, you will NOT find that any different if you become in a relationship with a MM. You will find yourself home alone on weekends or going to events alone (still). The only thing that might change is you'll have an occasional companion. You might also get the wonderful gift of guilt and feeling like you've lost your moral compass. Possibly also a broken heart, in the end.

 

I love my MM and he is working towards divorce, but I won't lie, if I knew then what I knew now, I would not have chosen to get in to this relationship. The times with him are lovely, but the sadness, loneliness, doubt, etc...that exists more than the times together. I am a single OW, btw.

[Chattycathy]

Cathy:

Thanks for this. I was always under the impression when teaching my classes that my older female students would never develop a crush on me because they are mature and well-adjusted. I guess I need to be more formal with them all, regardless of ages. I have been the recipient of unwanted attention from students before and I found it uncomfortable and irritating. Therefore, I will be as distant as possible while trying to engage them on the subjects.

Good to know,

Grumps

Grumps

Glad I could be of assistance. FTR, I am not giving unwanted attention. My post on here wasn't to emphatically say I am gonna screw my prof because he wants me. I was simply seeking advice because I was considering testing the waters to see if he is receptive despite the fact he is married. Never have felt anything for any other prof and have established relationships with many. As a mature student, I have a bit more experience than the teens that roll through. I know how to handle myself discreetly as a mature adult and can handle rejection. As a student, I would suggest a teaching style that is conducive to productive learning environment. Nobody likes a fuddy duddy.

[Chattycathy]

I teach college classes (still in grad school), and I would feel very uncomfortable if a student asked me to hang out outside of class. I have to maintain very strict boundaries with students as a part of my job. Even if they are a former student, they're still students to me. I have had students flirt with me, but I'm quick to shut them down. Haven't been asked on a date yet, but I'm sure it will eventually happen

HE is the one that mentioned that he has went out for a beer after the final, not me. You all have convinced me that it is wrong to even pursue it, so I dont think I am going to. I get it, it is unethical, wrong and selfish. Not going to do it.

[mikecr50]

Certainly best not to do it, unless you don't mind being used for sex and inflicting pain on innocent people. Nothing wrong with a good fantasy though maybe its a sign you're ready to give a chance to others?

[whichwayisup]

You are absolutely right. I am ashamed of myself. Just lonely and always put everyone else before myself. Was thinking of putting myself above all else for once.

 

Someone else said it well first - Putting you first is not allowing yourself to make a real dumb and selfish mistake .. Getting involved with a married man. Again, even more so since you KNOW the pain involved and the heartache an affair does to someone. Your husband hurt you in the worst way possible, yet you think by putting yourself first it's a green light to help yourself to a MM? Sorry if my words are harsh, it's just I really don't understand since you know that awful pain of being cheated upon and losing your family unit as one.

[Chattycathy]

Certainly best not to do it, unless you don't mind being used for sex and inflicting pain on innocent people. Nothing wrong with a good fantasy though maybe its a sign you're ready to give a chance to others?

First, I never said it was going to be sexual. I said I really wasnt sure what I was after. I just like the way it made me feel to have someone pique me interest. I would love to take it as a sign that I am ready to give others a chance but so far, no one appeals to me.

[happy stillmore]

I think those involved with an affair are hyper-aware that there are boundaries that should not be crossed. You get yourself in trouble when you do cross. We are just trying to save you the pain we have been through. Somehow, we knowingly, ignore the voice in our head telling us to stop and then before you know, you are emotionally attached to a person who is not able to commit to you. Hurts like He#".

 

I think our affair radar went off when we read your post. The professor was the blip on your radar screen for an affair partner.

[Chattycathy]

I focus on my kids. I have been divorced for 5 years and just lonely.

[hopewild]

I focus on my kids. I have been divorced for 5 years and just lonely.

 

I get that you are lonely and I understand that it sucks. But in no way should you pursue this man. You say you know what it feels like to be cheated on. So you should be running the opposite direction of a situation like this! It's only going to hurt you and potential innocent parties. Stop before you're in way too deep.

 

I would also question if this person truly values their job or the moral responsibility to treat students equally in the classroom. It's beyond inappropriate for him to be giving you special treatment with your assignments. That's not attractive - that is wrong - and as a college student who has had great teacher/student relationships I can only imagine how objectified that would make me feel.

 

I'm assuming your semester is similar to mine and that it will be over in December. You should finish out the class and make sure you do not take any more classes with him in the future for the following CRUCIAL reasons:

 

1. your children

2. your academic career

3. your happiness (this is guaranteed to bring you pain)

4. your values and morality as a person

 

Those are only reasons involving your life. Remember that there is another list full of potential loss and hurt on HIS end. Trust me, you do not want to carry the weight of that with you every day. There are so many other ways to find someone to have fun with. Go for those while you still can.

 

Seriously, best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

I focus on my kids. I have been divorced for 5 years and just lonely.

 

When you're lonely, it's easy to reach out to the wrong person. Remember, this guy IS married so it's not like he can date you all the time, spend tons of time with you. Chances are, not only are going to feel lonely even more, but also feel second fiddle when he leaves to go home, can't be there when you need him most.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I am an older student in my forties and have developed a huge crush on my married professor. We have nothing in common yet I find myself extremely attracted to him physically.

 

Just looking for "something". Maybe, just a friendship. I KNOW it is wrong and 2 wrongs don't make a right but no one gave a **** if I got hurt.

 

I don't want a relationship and I don't want to cause problems in his marriage. I just want to spend time with someone that I am into. Is that so horrible?

 

When you say no one cared if you got hurt, do you really mean NO ONE cared or just that your husband and the woman he cheated on you with didn't care?

 

When you spend time with someone you are into, isn't that what you would call a relationship?

 

It is not horrible to want to spend time with someone that you are into, though, obviously you have some qualms about it because you are posting here.

 

Have you tried telling yourself that if he doesn't cheat with you, he will just find someone else to cheat with, anyway, so it might as well be you? And anyway, you are going into it with no intention of cheating, so if it happens, it really is not your fault, it just happened and you didn't mean it to?

 

I don't think you should get involved with a married guy.

 

I am curious, though, you mention having nothing in common with him, but that you find him very physically attractive, unlike anything you've felt in a very long time. Why is he so much more physically attractive than the other men you've been meeting?

 

How do you just be friends with someone you have nothing in common with?

 

Who you find extremely physically attractive?

 

Who you have a "huge crush" on?

 

I think what you are talking about is a sexual relationship with a married man. I personally am against it, but it is your life. It is probably best if you don't lie to yourself about it, though, and understand what you are getting involved in before you do it.

 

Is there anything he could tell you to make you feel more comfortable about getting involved with him?

Edited November 25, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[Chattycathy]

When you say no one cared if you got hurt, do you really mean NO ONE cared or just that your husband and the woman he cheated on you with didn't care?

 

When you spend time with someone you are into, isn't that what you would call a relationship?

 

It is not horrible to want to spend time with someone that you are into, though, obviously you have some qualms about it because you are posting here.

 

Have you tried telling yourself that if he doesn't cheat with you, he will just find someone else to cheat with, anyway, so it might as well be you? And anyway, you are going into it with no intention of cheating, so if it happens, it really is not your fault, it just happened and you didn't mean it to?

 

I don't think you should get involved with a married guy.

 

I am curious, though, you mention having nothing in common with him, but that you find him very physically attractive, unlike anything you've felt in a very long time. Why is he so much more physically attractive than the other men you've been meeting?

 

How do you just be friends with someone you have nothing in common with?

 

Who you find extremely physically attractive?

 

Who you have a "huge crush" on?

 

I think what you are talking about is a sexual relationship with a married man. I personally am against it, but it is your life. It is probably best if you don't lie to yourself about it, though, and understand what you are getting involved in before you do it.

 

Is there anything he could tell you to make you feel more comfortable about getting involved with him?

OMG, you are so right. I DO want a sexual relationship with him. I am crushing on him yet, have nothing in common but I think he's sexy. I was totally lying to myself. Maybe it is his intellect. Oh GOD, I feel like those 18 year old girls posting online crushing on their professors. No, there is nothing he can say. I know the entire situation is f'd up and I should steer clear. I have decided not to initiate anything. Hopefully, he will not either. Hopefully, I misread everything and it was all completely innocent. However, if he does approach, I hope I don't let my lonesomeness get the best of me. Pray for me. Give me strength. I only have a few more weeks in this class and I will never see him. Just in the halls. My major is completely different than what he teaches. Thank you.

[waterwoman]

I know you all are right. I was hoping I could get SOMEONE to see this from my point of view and give me the green light. I have some thinking to do. Thanks so much for the concern and advice.

 

FWIW I can see your POV. I am a BS attempting to reconcile with my H. Doing OK for the most part but even so I can see how having an affair seems quite appealing as a salve to ego wounds. Problem is I have been there before and it was just confusing and painful - and that was just an EA that I ended abruptly when OM wanted to take it further. But I can totally understand the feeling of 'why should I care about the W when no-one cared about me' - understand but NOT condone. You know and I both know that it is wrong. Sorry

[WrinkledForehead]

Yes. That was the cause of my divorce. I had three small children and it was VERY painful. He has a grown daughter. I KNOW it is wrong and 2 wrongs don't make a right but no one gave a **** if I got hurt. I don't want a relationship and I don't want to cause problems in his marriage. I just want to spend time with someone that I am into. Is that so horrible?

 

Yes, it is that horrible. He is MARRIED.

[janedoe67]

If you have a conscience, this will not be worth it because you will feel guilt.

 

If you feel no guilt....well, that is actually even sadder.

 

Either way, you know from first hand experience that this is wrong. Doing the right thing isn't always easy. But when we have character, we do it anyway.

 

There is a reason you chose this forum and not the infidelity one; you are already planning to invade this woman's marriage. I urge you to change your course.

 

BTW, I am a FWW, and because I have a conscience, I regret it every single day.